Pipe Rant

[aussielass]

I'm hating this pipe smoking caper at the moment. How beginners get past the initial "economical buy of everything" is a mystery to me, it's enough to make anyone throw in the towel.
All I have is a dinky, cheap and nasty Meerschaum toy of a thing that despite being new the bloody stem keeps wanting to come adrift, and the most hideous Borkum Riff baccies on the planet(two varieties, if you can call 'em that, 'coz they're both as bad as each other).
The bowl of this pipe thing is about the size of what people who smoke green stuff use, so it's as good as tits on a bull, the baccy tastes like dried, reconstituted bat poo and smells like burning cow dung.
I've sent an emergency message to He Who Must Not Be Obeyed telling him to get his sorry ass into the ONLY damn pipe shop in this entire city of some millions of people at lunch time to beg them for small samples of aromatics and anything else they consider a cut above commercial crap. Further to that, I can't stop singing the song, "Please Mr Postman, look and see, is there a parcel, a parcel for me?" The wait for all these briar pipes is killing me, I wake up every morning feeling like I have to practice with the shittiest stuff in the world and it's beyond depressing. I now don't believe beginners should start with anything cheap, especially revolting tobacco, in order to see if they'll like it, 'coz guaranteed they won't!

 

[kamikazesasquatch]

Believe me, I feel your pain. BTW that post = LMFAO I'm not laughing at your misery but your presentation of it is amazing

 

[terry]

LoL..yes..once you get some "real" pipe tobacco, you will be amazed how enjoyable pipe smoking is. :D

 

[philip]

I now don't believe beginners should start with anything cheap,

My first smoke was with cheap tobacco in a cheap pipe and it was years before I tried again.

BTW that post = LMFAO

You do have a way with words!

 

[igloo]

Well you can only go up from where you have started . ::

 

[puffy]

I went through your same experience Over fourty years ago.Bought a cheap pipe and believe it or not Borkum Riff.It was horrible.I thought I would never try to smoke a pipe again.Four years later in a smoke shop a fellow who understood what I had gone through sold me a good pipe and a much better grade of tobacco.The rest is history as they say.I urge anyone who is thinking of smoking a pipe.Talk to someone who knows about it.Get some good advise first.Then the enjoyment will be as it should be.

 

[matchstickman]

I remember someone throwing around the term PAID. Pipe Acquisition Impatience Disorder. Sounds like you have it, bad. Take two bowls of good quality baccy and a good night sleep. You will feel much better. ::

 

[aussielass]

LMAO, even the best baccy I'll find over here would be scorned by you blokes who just don't know how good you got it. I swear, I've always disliked living in Australia (born here) but now that I'm trying to get into this hobby in a decent way, I'm starting to spit venom about the backward bloody philistines who inhabit this godforsaken colony sprung from the questionable loins of convicts and their keepers.
Oh, btw, we have HM the Queen in my city today, I shoulda got somone in her entourage to bring me some decent baccy from the motherland. Gawd knows what the heck beckoned her to Bris-vegas though with as much class & style as a good fart, and our 2 female politians, well, least said soonest mended ....they are true Bush Pigs of the highest order. Our freakin' Prime Minister, hideous trollop that she is, didn't curtsey, didn't wear a hat and wore the same bleedin' colour as HM (silver) to a function for pity's sake, the latter being something the sisterhood just doesn't do!

 

[philip]

We have great respect for our political establishment, too.

 

[irish2fish]

It will be better soon.

 

[juni]

Do you at least have the MacBaren blends? They are OTC blends over here and some are actually pretty ok (like Scottish Mixture and Vanilla Cream).

 

[seanz]

Aussielass if i was you i would go to the erinmore flake or mixture, its a better cut of toby IMO and it could be worsei started with semi aged half cured homegrown toasted in my oven and cased in coffee and vanila it was an experience i can tell you

 

[spartan]

I haven't smoked anything but 1Q in the past week. it was my 3rd pipe tobacco.... and I just cant stop. I'm still experimenting with how dried out I like it best. And I fully understand how good we have it here in America. Trust me. I get it every time I light up a bowl of complete bliss. ::

 

[juni]

Even Half&Half is pretty decent - if you speed-age it first.

 

[terry]

Hmmm Really?

 

[aussielass]

Well, I'm utterly doomed & damned to the realms of smoking horse shit ... I just got message back from He Who Must Not Be Obeyed ... the entire mall building that contains this city's ONLY pipe shop is closed for renovations, probably for months.
LMAO something like Erinmore will be totally top shelf stuff over here & probably only able to be purchased down south where all the classy folk live (Melbourne & Sydney). So, it's onto the www I go to source some on these not-so-fair-shores pronto tonto.
Damn it, I just rang a southern baccy store - smallest amount of each of their blends is 25gms and cost is $21. LMAO, if I don't laugh at my predicament I'm going to have a huge, big, ugly tantrum. And this is the sum total of their range, proclaimed the biggest & best baccy store in Oz:
AROMATIC BREEZE Extremely mild aromatic flavour with appealing aroma

BLACK CAVENDISH A Blend of dark and light coloured Cavendish tobaccos

CHERRY BLEND Sweet, very tasty Cherry flavour and aroma

DANISH DELIGHT Light & satisfying flavour, superb old recipe

GREEN CAV A combination of Green River & Black Cavendish

HOLMES MIXTURE A discerning blend for the experienced smoker

IRISH LIGHT A good, full flavoured cognac based mixture

KING GEORGE Typical english mixture with latakia

LEVY’S #2 A spicy, sweet mix of Virginia, Black Cavendish & Latakia

LEVY’S #3 Fruit Vanilla flavour

LEVY’S #4 Mild honey & Pecan nut flavour

LEVY’S #5 Aromatic, sweet vanilla flavour

LEVY’S FLAKE Virginia w/Latakia. Non-aromatic, medium to full strength

LIGHT & DARK Vanilla with a hint of chocolate. Superb taste & aroma.

MILLENIUM A subtle hint of French berries. Mild flavour.

NATH’S MIXTURE Mild flavoured blend of the finest cherry and black tobaccos.

QUEEN ADELAIDE A unique blend of old english tobaccos

RASPBERRY CREAM Virginia & Cavendish with raspberry flavour

ROYAL RUBY Aromatic Cavendish with burley and hints of cherry

SWEET FLAKE A classic, sweet, smooth Virginia Flake

TED’S AROMATIC Mellow aromatic mixture blended from imported tobaccos

VIRGINIA MIX Flue cured Virginia tobaccos.

WATSON’S BLEND A touch of cherry adds spice to this cavendish mix.

WHISKY CAVENDISH Aged whisky tobacco. Very mild flavour

 

[juni]

They only sell their own blends?? Not even any Peterson ones? I'm so sorry.

 

[aussielass]

OMG, without a word of a lie, exaggeration or embellishment, I just phoned the City's best & oldest Cigar Shop ...
Me, "Good afternoon, I'm wondering if you stock pipe tobaccos? In particular I'm after aromatics such as ....."
The owner's wife, "They're all aromatic dear, they all smell nicer than cigarettes"
Me, "Umm .... I meant specifically vanillas, cherries, rum ... something sweet and, well, umm ...."
The owner's wife, "No, but we do have the whole range of Borkum Riff!"
Me, now through gritted teeth, "Sorry but I can't smoke cow dung, good day".
Then I tried to phone a chain store in one of our trendy cafe precincts thinking surely they'll have something besides green weed & hookah stuff ... the phone rang out 3 times during their opening hours. Now do you see what I'm up against?
Looks like I've amassed a huge selection of quaint briar ornaments that will nicely decorate the walls of my Victorian/Edwardian style home interior. I hope Admin won't mind me listing x 50 pipes for sale on the grounds I can't procure suitable gas to run 'em. I feel like howling, truly I do! Imagine paying $21 for 25gms for very average cow dung.

 

[seanz]

wow no erinmore. We have it at the super markets over here in little ol NZ and i am as far south as one can go ( invercargill) in fact its that and B R and amphora and if your lucky , i mean real lucky you might find some peterson and its all 50 bucks and up. Where are you situated?

 

[scotrob]

i really sympathise with you Aussielass- I lived in Brissie for 2 years (Toowong) and practically gave up the pipe during that period as it was 1. Too hot and humid to smoke for half the year 2. No decent tobaccos available....before that i lived in Melbourne and even there I had to make do with Amphora most of the time.
I will PM you a site that might be good