Online dating profile translator

[spacecowboy57]

yeah so my gf of 3 years left me for a more attractive and smarter guy with more disposable income. I started checking out online dating sites and thought i would record my observaions here. here are a few caveats when reading a woman's profile:

1. body type "average" means fat

2. body type "a few extra pounds" means a few extra feet around the waist

3. body type "athletic" may mean hot and in shape OR so large they could bring down and devour an entire wildebeast by themselves.

4. "I like intelligent men" means "i like hot guys who have heard of Sigmund Freud and can recite lines of Shakespeare they were forced to memorize in high school. I am in no way interested in discussing NOVA with you."

5. "I'm very laid back untill you upset me" means "I am set off by little things and turn into a total b!tch"

6. "I just want a nice guy who will treat me right" means "I just want a hot guy who waits on me hand and foot and has alot of money to buy me everything i want"

7. "i'm bisexual and love to party" means "I'm a slut who makes out with other chicks when I'm drunk to attract attention"

8. "I'm looking for someone to love me for me and not my looks" means" there is no way in hell you're gonna love me for my looks, so you better find something else you like about me"

9. "I love my X cats" means "I have way too many cats, and you will have to hear stories about each and every one of them, like how Mr. mittens loves putting on cute outfits for the christmas card etc."

10. "I'm 22 and saving up money for my MBA... I'm looking for a man between 25 and 35" means "I want your money so I can get my degree and find a hotter guy".
Translated by Mr. Space "Wolverine" Cowboy the 57th

 

[ernest]

"I enjoy the finer things in life"
Please tell me what this means spacecowboy57

 

[spacecowboy57]

"you better have a fat wallet"

 

[ernest]

HaHaHa,thanks.I guess I better get a chain for my wallet.Ive got a lady that said she likes a man that can take her shopping and stay with in all the stores.What does that mean spacecowboy57?

 

[onizuka]

Now I remember this conversation I was having with a friend a long time ago. It started off with a conversation about what women wanted. They can always elaborate on the "things" they desire in a man - but most of the time they're describing one of two things:

1) A man that does not exist.

2) An attractive man that also has "x qualities".
In any case - here's my view on life itself, just my 2 cents and I'm doing it. I'm living a good life - and that's the best revenge for any ex.

 

[ernest]

"I'm living a good life"
If she finds that out onizuka,you is in Big trouble!

 

[spacecowboy57]

ernest- It means she wants a man to hold her purse while she asks you if things make her look fat for hours on end, mostly so you can be there when it's time to pay, then she will of course need a pack mule to haul her stuff back to the car.
onizuka- Ir i had a dime for every profile like that i'd be rich enough to buy a mail order bride. Every profile states "I want an intelligent man who I can have deep conversation with and will treat me right" what it means is "I want an intelligent man who I can have deep conversation with and will treat me right, and is 6 ft tall, bronze and jacked like that guy from that vampire movie"
I plugged this equation into a very sophisticated computation program and it spat out "DNE" as the solution.

 

[dudleydipstick]

"I'm a little superstitious." = My inane rituals will complicate most everything and make me, and even you, constantly late.
"Family comes first." = You'll have in-laws before you even buy the cow. (There are exceptions, though.)
"I get along better with my guy friends." = I'll constantly make you feel like you're competing with people who's last intention is to have a platonic friendship.
Translated by my first date bullshit detector.

 

[ernest]

LMAO spacecowboy57.One last question,if I may.Why didn't most Dads teach us all this?I would of still had my last two houses.

 

[spacecowboy57]

dudley you are absolutely brilliant.

 

[onizuka]

ernest: they know, they just aren't going to admit it.

 

[admin]

Women. Can't live with 'em. Can't kill 'em!

 

[spacecowboy57]

indeed kevin
and ernest, our dads didn't have internet dating.

 

[ernest]

Thats a good point spacecowboy57.
I was just thinking how I have never met a women yet that was capable of having "Deep Conversation",or hold one.
Wouldn't that give them brownie points when they advertise they can do that?
I might have to check one of those out to see what its like.

 

[cortezattic]

My advice to a son, if I had one, would be to seek out a woman who is naturally quiet (taciturn),

and isn't into buying shoes. Everything else will take care of itself.

 

[admin]

Here's some more advice to a son.
1. Don't get married.
2. If you ignore rule number one, then marry a girl that was born on February 14, and get married on February 14.
That way you can get Valentine's Day, Wedding Anniversary, and Birthday all out of the way in one shot, and you are also less likely to forget any them.

 

[bubbadreier]

Kevin, I always say...
"Women, can't live with...."
and I stop there!

 

[wallbright]

Here's some more advice to a son.
1. Don't get married.
2. If you ignore rule number one, then marry a girl that was born on February 14.
That way you can get Valentine's Day, Wedding Anniversary, and Birthday all out of the way in one shot, and you are also less likely to forget any them.

Haha I was smart enough to start dating my girlfriend on valentines day. She thought it was sweet, and I can just take her to one dinner for valentines and anniversary >. It has saved me alot of money thus far. I am dreading the day though that we get married on a different day and then have a child. Then I have mother's day, valentines day, anniversary, birthday, Christmas, and random holidays like thanksgiving where I will have to buy plane tickets to see her folks :-/ haha.

 

[ernest]

How about this one spacecowboy57?
"I am searching for someone who can see me for what I am"
.....and then 5 months later she said..
"I'm leaving you so I can find myself.
So I told her to stay right there while I go 3000 miles west and look for her.Never went back.

 

[mlaug]

I'm a firm believer in one of Hobie's sig lines: Marry the right person, this one decision will determine 90% of your happiness.
I've been married 27 years.
Lucky, I guess.