Need Help and Wisdom From the Forum Please.

[vespertillio]

I know this is way off topic from the usual general discussion items here but I could really use some wisdom here and I consider everyone here a friend. If there is one thing this particular forum and website has taught me is that everyone looks out for each other and in this case I’m truly seeking the collective wisdom and help from everyone here.
Ok this is a weird situation. My soulmate and I moved in together in Denver 2 years ago. I was getting a divorce at the time and she took it upon herself to try and beat my evil ex wife. For a little back history, I have known her for about 30 years though we were out of touch for around 15 years; until she found me about the time my divorce started. Ever since we were young we have had a connection. A powerful love and friendship I can’t describe. We never took it to this level until now though. So I went to Oregon to be with her for a while and to clear my head about my ex and to regroup. Together we spoke of all the energy and unspoken thoughts and love that for some reason we did not act on before. After a year there we knew it was right for us to move back to Denver. I have 2 sons (13 and 9) and it was right to be back with them. At least my ex let them visit me in Oregon so that was good. We had to be back with them though so we moved back to Denver. She found a great job and as luck would have it I found one I loved as well. The problem happened when she found out my ex was visiting my soulmates office for therapy. Well my soulmate looked at her records when she knew she should not have. Long story short, she got busted and fired. She took a contract job in Korea for 4 months then came back. 6 months ago she took a job in Germany and loves it there and wants to stay. I can't go for at least 18 months due to alimony and family. Well she has said she was miserable for months missing me. She saw a therapist who basically said she can't focus on the past or future but the now. That worked for her. She regrouped and made new friends. One of those friends is a gentleman who has been divorced for 10 years and supposedly has sworn off relationships. Well they struck up a friendship and now she spends all her time and nights with him. So now she's basically living with another guy now. She says he's not Mr. Right (me) but Mr. Right now. She won't Skype or call any more though. She says she needs to focus on her in the flesh friends. So I'm lost here with a soul mate who won't think about the future. All my close friends are living out of the state and I'm confused on what to do. She says they both compliment each other as she doesn’t want a relationship but like each other’s company. I think that if you spend all your time with someone and sleep with them; well you are in a relationship. I’m trying to be open to this but it’s very hard. I try to believe she does not have any relationship feelings towards this guy but I come from a traditional upbringing. I would love honor and cherish her but I just have the hardest time coping with what she says and what I feel. Whenever I bring this up to her she tells me I’m being dramatic though she still won’t talk about a future with me. I have plans to move out to the Europe area in 18 months or so. The ex will let the kids stay for extended periods and the kids are also cool with the idea of seeing an alternative perspective to living as well. My soulmate and I had planned this as well but with her new situation and my issues with what’s going on, I’m just a little lost on what to do. I’ve had a couple people say that I should cut off all communication and let her deal with this herself and free myself. I’m thinking I may do this. I wish I could embrace this open relationship idea like some folks do these days but I just can’t. I believe in one person for the other.
I guess I’m just asking for suggestions and wisdom here. I’m 45 yet I feel like a stupid teenager here. Thank you all for any suggestions words of wisdom and just plain slap me in the face and come to my senses comments. Sorry this was so long. Thank you all sincerely for your time and consideration.I'm going out this evening and won't be able to answer immediately but I will read, think about, and truly appreciate all thoughts here. Thanks again.

 

[kashmir]

Been there. Done that. My advice for what its worth, is to drop her like a hot potato. Trust me, there are literally millions of fish (soulmates) in the sea. Life is just too short to waste it on a girl who's sleeping around. What's done is done. Mark it up as a learning experience. And MOVE ON.

 

[allan]

I feel your pain. I think most of us have gone through something like this in our lives.
From the outside looking in, most would advise you that she has already made a commitment to this other person, and truly, let it go. Naturally, this is easy to say, more difficult to actually do.
My best advice is to seek out an excellent therapist who can help you get through this. There are many professionals out there, but finding one who is sympatico with you is a little more difficult.
2 years ago I had a separation from my wife and I did find such a person. He helped me figure out, slowly, that one can go on and move on (I have since rejoined my wife and our life now that all is out in the open is much better).
Once you find an excellent therapist, I'm sure that he/she will help you sort all of this out so you can make a decision on what to do.
Best of luck

Allan

 

[weezell]

I guess I’m just asking for suggestions and wisdom here

...HMMMmmmmm,Kick her to the curb, and KICK HER TO THE CURB! Sorry to say Brother,but that ain't my idea of a soul mate...

 

[flyguy]

I think you need to listen to those on this forum with successful long-term relationships. There are many of us on this forum. When I was younger, I was married to a beautiful girl with a lack of integrity. The marriage lasted 3 years and I obtained sole custody of a three month old baby son.

Two years later I married a lovely Christian woman who was a mother to my son and two subsequent daughters. We have been happily married for 34 years and have six grandchildren.

In reading your story, one thing stands out to me: the lack of integrity in your girlfriend. The lack of integrity in peeking at your ex-wife's records. The lack of integrity in misrepresenting her new relationship to you.

Let's face it, verspetillio, if she loved you she wouldn't have run off to Germany and starting sleeping with another guy. Real love just doesn't work that way!

What worries me is that a lack-of-integrity can be contagious. You have an obligation to your children to stay as close as possible so you can be an influence in their lives. You need to get your priorities in shape, put away your feelings and do the right thing. Find a attractive woman with integrity and begin again. Women with long-term relationship qualities are out there!

 

[teufelhund]

I had a similar thing happen to me and the only recommend ation I have for you is just let go. If she makes her way back stateside re-examine but I'd still be wary. You really have no ties to this woman other than your romantic relationship; your responsibility is to your kids. Be a great dad and let life happen to you; it's too short. The sooner you move on as she has you're more likely to find someone else. As far as the not talking thing goes that's usually a sign; just be grateful she's not keeping you on the back burner. Like I said I'd be wary of all of her behavior at this point and that's no way to have a relationship. At least this way you're being proactive about your happiness. It is after all a state of mind. Also smoke your pipe more often. Gauranteed to make you feel better. :wink:

 

[radio807]

Move on now, right now. Please understand that I mean no disrespect to either of you when I say this, but you're both acting like teenagers. My gut tells me that if you try to stay with her, you're in for a lifelong emotional roller coaster ride. You want her so very badly that you're willing to put up with her immaturity and total lack of respect for you. She's happy to keep you on a string as a sort of home base until she gets tired of messing with some other poor guy's head. You're both too old for this "soul mate" nonsense. One of you needs to grow up and put an end to this. It sounds like it's going to have to be you.
Forgive me for being so very blunt, but you asked for it and I'm sincere in what I wrote. All the best man, truly.

 

[tbradsim1]

Cut the soulmate crap out, you"re 45, one thing I didn"t hear about is your 2 children, aren"t they supposed to be the most important thing in your life, if not there is no helping you. The old cajun

 

[weezell]

Thank you"old cajun".Old school tell it like it is. Soulmate,schmoulmate.Ya got my back or not!

 

[rickpal14]

+1 mikephillips!!!!!!

 

[numbersix]

vespertillio I think seeing a therapist is a good idea. IMHO, you're not thinking clearly. You've set her up as a "soulmate", but at least to me, she is anything but... No soulmate would run off to another country, or sleep with another guy. These are clear signals that (to steal a phrase) she's just not that into you. If anything, she's keeping you hanging on in case nothing better comes along.
You are right about one thing, you're acting like an immature teenage (no offense intended - love can make even a rational person very irrational) and that's the place you seem to be in - a very irrational place. This girl is poison and you're too head over heels to see it.
Finally, as a father, I could never consider being away from my children. This would hurt them more than you know and you would be turning your back on your true soulmates. You say your ex is "evil", but you seem like you want to follow an equally "evil" path.
All in all, I have a feeling you know everything we're telling you - but just need to hear it. Good luck to you.

 

[bigboi]

I pretty much agree with what everyone is saying here. Cut the communications. It seems she is doing that herself by what you say. I understand love it difficult but it is also a choice...and she my friend is not choosing to love you.
J

 

[lordnoble]

Clean cup! Move down!
As has been said before, move on. She's not worth the effort or time.
-Jason

 

[joshwolftree]

I would usually play the devils advocate on a thread, go entirely the opposite direction of what everyone else says, but in this case... I'm going to step back and look at things from my logical and horribly annoying perspective.

You've know this girl most of your lives, your comfortable. Your the fall back when things go wrong. That can be a good thing. Or it can be an utter shit storm.

She willfully violated patient/therapist confidentiality. This shows a lack of integrity and possibly stability.

she took it upon herself to try and beat my evil ex wife

Taking a situation between adults and involving children and escalating it to anything win/lose is a horrible thing. Taking that battle upon herself, when she should not have been involved at all, that smacks of future issues.

Unless you meant she attempted to actually beat your ex physically? Which I'm fairly certain is even worse...

I'm not going to belittle the soulmates thing, I'm only going to hope for your sake that this is a case of her being the yin to your yang.

I have to say after the logical thought and consideration. Leave her, count it as a blessing. Do what you can to be civil with the ex for your children's sake. Take care of your children. Be their father.

And possibly take them out to an amusement park and use them as chick bait.

Or you know do whatever....after all I'm just a string of letters typed out from a pair of hands that won't be able to pat you on the back and hand you a scotch, and a roll up of baccy, when your done.

I will however from way over on the other side of the interwebs tell you that it'll turn out alright sooner or later

 

[phred]

I know some folks who have a polyamorous relationship that actually works, so although it's not something that would work for me personally, I would not say that it couldn't work. That being said, the reason that their open relationship works is that they are both completely honest with each other, and with the other people with whom they get involved.
No offence meant, vespertillo, but that does not sound like what this "soulmate" is putting you through. She's cut off communication, her actions do not appear to line up with her words, and as others have pointed out, she seems to lack integrity in several crucial areas. Cut your losses and focus on your relationship with your kids - plenty of time to find what you're looking for once you get your head back together.

 

[vespertillio]

Thank you all for your posts. I appreciate all comments no matter how blunt. I didn't mention my kids much but they do mean the world to me. I'm very lucky to see them almost every day. I've talked extensively with them about my opportunity to work in Europe and they are very excited about being able to spend extensive time there. My ex and I have spoken on this as well and she may even consider letting them go to school there. As for my soulmate, she is very peaceful and thoughtful person who made a poor decision and is paying for that. It cost us our life here and she has acknowledged that to me many times. You all are right. I will stop communication. It seems the right thing to do. I can't dwell on the future or the past. Thank you all again.

 

[ravkesef]

an observation: your soulmate isn't. By her actions she has made that much plain Now it's time for you to move on with the rest of your life. There's someone out there for you, and with a bit of patience you will find her, and believe me, it will be worth the wait.

 

[trailspike48]

The trouble with good advise, it's no good unless you take it. It is easy to know the right course of action. It's time to cowboy up. Concentrate on those important in your life, your children.

 

[flmason]

Concentrate on your children and find another lady for your future. If she is now seeing another man you do not know what diseases she could give to you if she decided to return. Find another partner who can be faithful and stay that way.

 

[arinbjorn]

In my opinion, MikePhillips and the others have got the right of it. Barring some kind of unique psychological disability with this woman where the future literally doesn't exist - and I doubt that is the case, because if the past that she has the capacity to fondly recall with you exists, then surely there is some concept of the future - she is essentially using you, brother.
There is the option to speak with the other man about this. There's always multiple sides to one story. However, at this point, I would say that it is likely simply best to move on.
Keep your kids as the center of your life, and don't forget to actually enjoy your life (and pipe!). Joy breeds joy, and I would think that there are plenty of great women out there that would love to be a part of a man's life if he lives in that fashion.