Limericks Anyone? (Adult Content)

[mawnansmiff]

Last night I watched a DVD film called 'The Wipers Times', based on a true story about a small group of British soldiers in WWI Belgium. The term 'wipers' was what the soldiers referred to the place Ypres as they weren't sure how it should be pronounced.

Well this group of soldiers stumbled upon an old hand operated printing press & piles of paper. The captain and his superior thought it would be nice to produce a newspaper for all the lads in the trenches and it so happened their sergeant was a printer in civvie street.

Long story short, they produced many copies of the Wipers Times filled with irreverent stories made up by the lads and many jibes & limericks poking fun at the generals sat in comfort well away from any danger. It was a great hit with the lads but not the top brass.

Anyway, whilst watching the film I made up 2 limericks myself on the same theme (WWI) and tidied them up later whilst watching the news. The third one I made up this morning. Here they are...

Fritz the one armed Hun
Was given a left handed gun
With his arm on the right
He was unable to fight
So no wonder the Allies won

There was a German from Bonn
Who found a bloody great bomb
T'was only when he farted
That the timer was started
And then he was totally gone

The Germans were sat by the fire
Behind their rows of barbed wire
Cooking their beans
By whatever means
Whilst wallowing in the mud and mire

So come on guys....scratch your heads and knock up some witty ditties

Regards,

Jay.

 

[jpmcwjr]

All the Limericks I know are not suitable for this forum.

 

[Streeper541]

All the Limericks I know are not suitable for this forum.

Same... ?

 

[kcghost]

Once there was a lady quite Young
Who didn't like men who were hung
When a big one flopped out
She let out a shout
Oh, sir, won't you please use your tongue

 

[cigrmaster]

There was an old man with an art
Of making a sweet dinner tart
With some snot and some piss
He flavored the whole with a fart

There was an old man from Belgrade
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
It is not nice I admit he a bit of shit
But look at the money he saved

There was an old Chinaman drunk
While dreaming of Venus
He played with his penis
Till he floated away in the spunk

There was an old man from Madras
Whose balls were made out of brass
In inclimate whether they banged together
And lightening shot out of his ass

 

[sallow]

Thank you mawnansmiff, I love limericks.

This one I heard on the show 'Legion'

There once was a barmaid from Sale
on her dress lists the prices of ale
and on her behind
(for the sake of the blind)
was that same information in braille

 

[Streeper541]

A man eagerly tried out his shiny new pipe,
The Tabac smelled of cherries oh so ripe.
He sucked in real hard,
his mouth got charred,
Now he thinks all aromatics are tripe.


Time rolls inexorably on.
Towards the grave we all run.
But before we arrive
We are yet alive
So smoke another pipe and have fun!

 

[solideogloria86]

I bought a tin that some guy was sellin'
The bottom and top were a swellin'
Grabbed the tab with a push
It let out a woosh
Fermented figs and some plums I was smellin'

 

[solideogloria86]

I once had a tin with some rust
Cracking it now was a must
I opened it wide
Peered down inside
And there I found nothing but dust ?

 

[HawkeyeLinus]

All the Limericks I know are not suitable for this forum.

Ditto - some not of a like mind so moving on to other threads!

Enjoy!

 

[jaytex1969]

I never got much into poetry of any sort.

I do, however, recall this one limerick that stuck due to the great play on words throughout.

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned so what could they do?
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue

 

[mso489]

Okay, here's a G-rated golden olden, posted here before long ago.

There one was a farmer named Stout
who suspected what life was about.
Ignoring his needs, he planted weed seeds.
Yes, vegetable crowded them out.

 

[Sweet Home Alabama]

There once was a man from Umtata​

He was the world’s best farter

He could fart anything

From God Save The Queen

To Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata

 

[solideogloria86]

I never got much into poetry of any sort.

I do, however, recall this one limerick that stuck due to the great play on words throughout.

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned so what could they do?
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue



View attachment 139971

Okay, here's a G-rated golden olden, posted here before long ago.

There one was a farmer named Stout
who suspected what life was about.
Ignoring his needs, he planted weed seeds.
Yes, vegetable crowded them out.

These are great!

 

[Sweet Home Alabama]

There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un.
He said, “Oh my love,
It fits like a glove.”
Said she, “But you’re not in the right ‘un.”

 

[workman]

There once was a man from Australia,
who studied the peace in Westphalia,
'till his wife who he hated,
had him castrated,
that unfortunate man from Australia

 

[condorlover1]

There once was a man from Peru
who dream't he was eating a poo
he woke up that night with a terrible fright
to find it was perfectly true

The boy stood on the burning deck
picking his nose like mad
he rolled then into little balls
and flicked them at his dad

The girl stood on the burning bridge
her lips all a quiver
she gave a cough
her log fell off and
floated down the river

 

[Grangerous]

There once was a girl named, Ann Heiser—

Who didn’t think anyone could surprise her—

Pabst took a chance, found a Schlitz in her her pants —

Now she’s sorry, Budweiser.

 

[Jaylotw]

I've never been so tempted to get banned for this forum. Limericks are my favorite. These are all pretty good but I know theres some even dirtier ones.

 

[mawnansmiff]

Some crackers here guys.....I never realised limericks were so popular in the States.

Regards,

Jay.