Highs and Lows
- Thread starter professorwheezy
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Feel your pain bro. My missus HATES the smoking. No ultimatum, but just last weekend she underlined again how much she HATES the smoking. Aside from the stinkiness, her issue seems to be the health concern; largely that if I'm paws up I won't be able to pull my share of the load (we have a 6 yr-old). Has your missus articulated what her issues is?
I agree that hormones are raging, but this is a more serious issue that should be addressed sooner rather than later
There are licensed therapists in every major town that can help sort out the possible real issues of control and demands in the relationship
More often than not, simply airing it out with a neutral third party can really help
Good luck
There are licensed therapists in every major town that can help sort out the possible real issues of control and demands in the relationship
More often than not, simply airing it out with a neutral third party can really help
Good luck
+1 Six
+1 Roth
+1 Spud
That being said, go with her to the next doctor's appointment. It might help to understand what she's going thru. If she hasn't always been this way, it could be fear acting out.
Start smoking outside and well away from her. Show her you're willing to meet her half way, she needs to come the other half. See a counselor, there's an issue that seems to be unresolved.
+1 Roth
+1 Spud
That being said, go with her to the next doctor's appointment. It might help to understand what she's going thru. If she hasn't always been this way, it could be fear acting out.
Start smoking outside and well away from her. Show her you're willing to meet her half way, she needs to come the other half. See a counselor, there's an issue that seems to be unresolved.
Sorry to hear that. Is she trying to control you, or trying to do right by her child. I left the mother of my 1st child when she was pregnant (we were engaged and lost a ton of money on the wedding) because things where never going to get better. Till this day I feel it is one of the best decisions I ever made. I meet my wife 1 year later and we have been married for 10 years. Last year we had our first child together and life has never been better. Only you know what is right, I wish you the best of luck.
Hey Gents, don’t normally post on threads like this, this is the professor’s marriage we are talking about. I’ve been married for 40 years, have a son and three grandkids. Smoking your pipe or not fits into the category “small shit” something which you get moaned at for; such as you always come home too late when you go out with your friends, you never take me anywhere, I haven’t got a thing to wear (although Imelda Marcos comes by to check out her shoe collection) accept the earache and carry on.
You can’t tell the guy to show her the door. Ultimatums are a girl’s way of winning the argument, “if you don’t come with me to visit my mother it’s the sofa for you tonight!”
Bill
You can’t tell the guy to show her the door. Ultimatums are a girl’s way of winning the argument, “if you don’t come with me to visit my mother it’s the sofa for you tonight!”
Bill
My wife doesn't care much for my smoking but tolerates it with good humor. She knows she married a man and wants me to stay a man. I married well.
With that said, I make every effort to be considerate. I smoke only outdoors or in my man cave as not to smoke-up the house. I shower before bed and make an effort to remove the smell before trying to cozy-up to my wife so as not to offend her. She does not demand this, I just make the effort.
New mothers nowadays are taught that second and third hand smoke can cause SIDS. There is not a whole lot of empirical evidence supporting this but fear is a powerful tool. If you truly love your wife and want to be involved in your child's life, you may need to compromise. I would meet together with her doctor and possibly a counselor to try to hash-out a reasonable agreement.
With that said, I make every effort to be considerate. I smoke only outdoors or in my man cave as not to smoke-up the house. I shower before bed and make an effort to remove the smell before trying to cozy-up to my wife so as not to offend her. She does not demand this, I just make the effort.
New mothers nowadays are taught that second and third hand smoke can cause SIDS. There is not a whole lot of empirical evidence supporting this but fear is a powerful tool. If you truly love your wife and want to be involved in your child's life, you may need to compromise. I would meet together with her doctor and possibly a counselor to try to hash-out a reasonable agreement.
Now where did Prof Weezy go? I think we scared him off!
Seriously Prof, I do think it's within your rights to tell your wife you don't appreciate ultimatums. Especially one that big.
But... I will share a story (I'll try to keep it brief). My wife gave me an ultimatum (well, sort of) 9 years ago. Even though when we first met we both agreed we didn't want kids, when she got into her late 30s, she changed her mind. After years of bringing it up, she stated that her desire for a baby may break us up. It wasn't really an ultimatum. It's entirely possible I could have stood my ground and got my way.
However, I decided that my wife was entitled to change her mind on such a subject.
Ultimately I decided that having a baby was worth making my wife happy and possibly even save our marriage. As well, I liked kids and knew that no matter what, I'd love the baby with no regrets. Anyway, long story short, it wound up being the best decision we ever made. We now have 2 girls, adopted from China (we both agreed adoption was for us) and I wouldn't have it any other way.
So while you're wife was (IMHO) out of line giving such an ultimatum, only you can decide what's best. Good luck.
Seriously Prof, I do think it's within your rights to tell your wife you don't appreciate ultimatums. Especially one that big.
But... I will share a story (I'll try to keep it brief). My wife gave me an ultimatum (well, sort of) 9 years ago. Even though when we first met we both agreed we didn't want kids, when she got into her late 30s, she changed her mind. After years of bringing it up, she stated that her desire for a baby may break us up. It wasn't really an ultimatum. It's entirely possible I could have stood my ground and got my way.
However, I decided that my wife was entitled to change her mind on such a subject.
Ultimately I decided that having a baby was worth making my wife happy and possibly even save our marriage. As well, I liked kids and knew that no matter what, I'd love the baby with no regrets. Anyway, long story short, it wound up being the best decision we ever made. We now have 2 girls, adopted from China (we both agreed adoption was for us) and I wouldn't have it any other way.
So while you're wife was (IMHO) out of line giving such an ultimatum, only you can decide what's best. Good luck.
If this is going to be a life long commitment then you must seek an arbiter to help you out. Ultimatums are a very poor way to communicate. They never work. I told my wife right off the bat that there is no way I'm going to be talked to like that and it will only make me dig in my heels all the more. When your mate talks to you in that manner it shows a disrespect that you need to get to the bottom of in counseling. If after all that she still is disrespectful then maybe it's for the best.
Thanks for the feedback. Yes, the ultimatum is not the way to deal with me - very surprised she took this route with me as she knows I am stubborn as a mule. I will work on getting a marriage counselor referral and go from there. To me this is "small stuff" as puffnbilly said. Ultimatums are for: you're cheating on me, you're coming home drunk, you're into pornography, NOT smoking. She also HATES the smell and now with her SUPER sensitive sense of smell due to pregnancy I think this is compounding it. Now I MUST Confess my wife's concern about my health is legitimate. Its not about the C word she has expressed concern, it is that I have asthma and she wants me around to be the baby's dad. Is smoking the best/healthiest thing I could do, probably not, does it aggravate my asthma, probably some - however, I do get immense satisfaction and relaxation from smoking. I'm sure Vitamin N is part of it, but as expressed elsewhere piping is about slowing down and sort of just zoning in the moment. Also I have NEVER been very handy, but growing up my dad had, and still does, an incredible workshop. But all I did was pound nails into boards. However, as I have taken up pipe restoring I have actually shocked myself that I can do woodworking - and I get far more satisfaction from bringing something nasty and broken back to life than I would from building something original. It also challenges me mentally to figure out how to do certain things: read it, try it, works/doesn't work, evaluate. That I was able to get someone to pay me for a restore I did was an incredible feeling. SO all that to say - yes I am sure there is a lot going on, I think my best bet is to get a third party referee. She's a good woman, the mother of my child, but ultimatums aren't useful.
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