Funny and Wholesome or Sinister and Murderous

[Grangerous]

My wife has been complaining that every night I end up waking her by time I go into bed. So in a half argumentative state I said I'll just sleep on the couch. Two nights in, and she was begging me to come back to bed.

Your wife won't lock you out if you let her think you enjoy it!!

What women don’t understand is for us, being on the couch is like camping. We got all our stuff around us. Lol.

 

[HawkeyeLinus]

She thought you were in bed, yet you weren't?

Those low expectations are what come of not letting her know you're there - make your presence be known man!

 

[workman]

I don’t understand why you didn’t just bang on the door until someone let you in?
That said-, if your garage has an “upstairs” it is much different than mine. If it has a couch, guitars and tobacco I’m not sure why you were trying to get back in the house anyway.

When there's bad weather it's difficult to break through the noise from the wind and rain.

 

[trouttimes]

This is funny. I don’t have locks on my doors. Haven’t for years. We live far out of town and we can see people coming for a ways. People also know it’s not healthy to come around uninvited. This would never be a problem at my place. One more reason I don’t live in a city.

 

[romaso]

She gets scared in the dark.

We've got those little LED nightlights that come on automatically when it gets dark in just about every outlet.

Maybe try that?

Really help when its dark, no more stubbed toes or angry cats (they learned quickly that I can't see in the dark like they can)

 

[mortonbriar]

Yeah, it's really just a normal day of drama for a husband/father/neighbour isn't it? Maybe dialed up a notch, sure, but not worth holding onto!
Here's hoping tomorrow brings a quiet knife sharpening session with a pipe, a brew and zero neighbours...

 

[Casual]

Knife sharpening, pipe smoking, beer, conversation. All sounds like a good night, really. The only change I’d make is to ask her to lock me out so I wouldn’t feel bad about coming in late and waking the kids.

But the details are missing! What stones? What knife? Do you strop with diamond paste to remove the final burr?

 

[anotherbob]

I've been working overtime this week, helping out with a theatre set after regular hours and I've worn out a bit, so last night I decided on some self maintenance .
After tucking the girls in (5 and 7 yo), my wife in charge of the rest (0 and 11 yo), I took some knives out to the garage to sharpen. I was planning on tidying the place up a bit and sharpening the knives while listening to a podcast and having a pipe and a beer, just for an hour or two and then early to bed.
That'd be nice.
So I popped the beer and lit an unfinished pipe from some other day and was just about to start doing something when one of my neighbours stopped by. He had some questions about how to renovate his grandfathers old house without ruining the feel of it and we got talking. He's had some troubles with alcohol in the past, so I just left my beer behind some crates as we talked. Now this is an old-fashioned kind of guy. He's never in a hurry. He talks and talks and asks questions about this and that, smokes cigarettes and talks some more. Nice guy, not a genius in any way, but kind and dutiful and quite funny.
I can never tell people to leave, hospitality forbids it, so when he finally took off at midnight, my plans were all shot down.
I lit a new pipe, knowing that I'd just barely get the flavor of it, finished my by now not very cold and not very sizzly beer and dragged my by this point exhausted self back to the house, only to find the front door locked. I say front door, but there's only one door, so The Door. It was locked.
Damn! I don't keep a spare key in the garage, so I can't get in. I called my wife's phone but it was unavailable.
Fly mode I guess.
Texted her. Called the kids, but no answer, which was to expect as they're not allowed to have phones in bed.
Fuck! She must have locked the damn door absentmindedly when she went to bed. Or maybe she's annoyed that I'm not coming in? Maybe she is trying to teach me a lesson. Maybe she's fed up with, uhh something, I dunno. She's a woman, who can ever know?
I was cold by now. The garage is heated, but not much, and my neighbour had been there for about 3 hours and I was shivering by now. I really wanted to get in the house, so I tried prodding and poking with a screwdriver and a crowbar to see if I could get the lock to snap out of the door frame without breaking anything.
There was a storm, I haven't mentioned that, and being outside in the dark with the crowbar and the hammer, unsufficiently dressed for the occasion, shivering with cold and fatigue (I didn't eat much at supper, my beloved wife is not a consistently good chef) it suddenly hit me that I was breaking in. I'm a burglar now, I thought, not a very good one, but still...
What if this is all a ruse, I thought, what if I'm supposed to break in only to get murdered in the entryway so she can collect all the insurance and stuff.
Not being in the mood to get murdered, I went back to the garage. Upstairs there's a couch and some blankets, well there's much more, it is a combination of my father-in-law's Beatles shrine, guitar collection, my tobacco collection, hunting gear etc, but there is a couch, leather, well fake leather I suppose and a couple of blankets and I huddled up in there.
At 4-5 in the morning my wife woke me up, tearstruck, so sorry and everything, hope you can foregive me, I thought you were in bed and all that.
So of course we're all good and dandy and not secretly trying to murder anyone.
Or are we?
What do YOU think?

I don't know. First what are you like at home? Including your farting habits! How much do you know about her past? Does she get nervous when people ask certain questions? How many times have you found an angry cobra in your side of the bed? Has she ever tried to get you to fix a broken radio or t.v. in the shower?

 

[workman]

I don't know. First what are you like at home? Including your farting habits! How much do you know about her past? Does she get nervous when people ask certain questions? How many times have you found an angry cobra in your side of the bed? Has she ever tried to get you to fix a broken radio or t.v. in the shower?

Those are the questions. And just because I've never found a cobra doesn't mean there's never been one.

 

[anotherbob]

Those are the questions. And just because I've never found a cobra doesn't mean there's never been one.

oh that reminds I was wrong about that scorpion you found. They're not native to your part of the world. Or in other words Klaus Meine was put there by someone.

 

[workman]

Knife sharpening, pipe smoking, beer, conversation. All sounds like a good night, really. The only change I’d make is to ask her to lock me out so I wouldn’t feel bad about coming in late and waking the kids.

But the details are missing! What stones? What knife? Do you strop with diamond paste to remove the final burr?

I'm not an expert sharpener. I have a coarse stone, I think it is 240/360 grit, for the most worn blades, and then I move up to 1000/5000 grit, then on to a slate grindstone and end with a leather wheel with some kind of paste to remove the burr. My knives get sharp, but I'm no way near perfection yet. Getting better though, and any advice is welcome.
The knives were kitchen knives.

 

[mso489]

You've got to carry or have available a key. I'm always remembering to leave the front storm door unlocked so I can use the big front door key to get in if the back door is jammed up. Etc. My paranoia would have gravitated toward the neighbor, at least reading this like a thriller. Maybe he was keeping you diverted. Anyway, all is well. Now carry and/or plant a spare key.