Does The Pain Ever Go Away?

[mikestanley]

I cannot imagine anything worse that burying one's son or daughter. I have two sons and one is a police officer. I never knew how much my parents must have, or still do, worry. I hope that time does help relieve the grief.
Mike S.

 

[aldecaker]

My deepest sympathies, Scrooge. As a parent, I cannot fathom any torture worse than losing a child. Stay as strong as you can, my friend.

 

[indianafrank]

scrooge, I can't imagine your pain. Nor can I say anything more than what others have said in this thread. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[jkrug]

I have not lost a child so I can't answer your question.

I do however wish you all the best and I hope that the pain is soon gone and only found memories remain. ::

 

[jvnshr]

It was 1st of September, 2014; my wife gave a premature birth to twin boys. One of them passed away after 30 minutes, we were calling him the Little One. The Big Brother survived, we were doing everything we could to save him. After 9 days, on 10th of September, I woke up, went to the barber, got a nice haircut, went home, wore my tuxedo. I was getting ready for the wedding of a close friend. My parents were on their way from the hospital, I called my dad and he said they had to return back to the hospital, I asked the reason he just mumbled. I knew something was wrong so called my father-in-law, he is a regular prayer, never lies. He said that baby has passed away and they were going to bury him. After an hour, in a tuxedo, I was standing in front of the graves of my grandparents, watching a guy to dig another grave right near the grave of the Little One for the Big Brother. I didn't know what to do, what to say. I left the place, went home, laid on the bed with wife and explained her everything. I didn't cry or show any sign of sadness for 10 days. For 10 days I supported my wife, took walks with her, drove my car around the city during the evenings just to distract her. She was getting better. After 10 days, right after going to bed I got up and started crying for an hour like I've never done since the death of a very close friend. That was very hard to accept and I was helpless.
Everyone was telling me how sorry and sad they were. Then the father of a friend approached me, told me that he has also lost a son long time ago and he understood how I felt. From his voice I understood that the pain doesn't go away, after so many years his voice sounded like he has just lost a son. My babies lived for a very short time and the pain of losing them is indescribable. I can't even imagine how painful it can be to lose an older kid.
Now, after 3 years, I have a son who is more than 1 years old. There could have been 3 of them, that's what I think sometimes when I look at him. I understand your pain Scrooge, I wish there was a cure for this pain of yours. I am so sorry my friend.

 

[bigpond]

Sorry for your lose. My sister died when she was young, nearly thirty years ago. My mom broke down on the phone last week when out of the blue she mentioned she had been thinking of her a lot recently. I don't believe the pain ever goes away. When I think of her now what comes to mind first are happy memories of something she liked, or something we did, or how something made her laugh...it's only when I stop to reflect that I remember I should feel the sting of lose.

 

[pappymac]

I am sorry for your loss. We lost my oldest brother in 1954 in the diptheria epidemic and my other brother in 1968 in a plant explosion. My father died in 1993 and he was asking for them at the end. He never got over either one of them dying, but he worked hard at living.

 

[cranseiron]

I am a man

I am self aware

And everywhere I go

You're always right there with me
I flirted with you all my life

Even kissed you once or twice

And to this day I swear it was ice

But clearly I was not ready
When you touched a friend of mine

I thought I would lose my mind

But I found out with time

That really, I was not ready
Oh, death, oh death

Oh death, I'm not ready
Oh death, you hector me

And decimate those dear to me

You tease me with your sweet release

You are cruel and you are constant
Oh death, oh death

Oh death, clearly I am not ready*
*Vic Chesnutt lyric

 

[bluegrassbrian]

9 days before I was born.

A parent should never have to bury their child.

 

[mso489]

Fortunately, I had some good advice when I lost my wife when she was 52 and I'd just turned 54. There isn't any one way to grieve; there is no schedule, from months to many years; and no, few get over it. You just learn to accommodate the reality of it over time. It was ten years before I remarried, and this gave me time to savor many good memories of the years before. A person at my church worked with hospice and offered a workshop on grieving. The groups were divided up between those who had lost spouses, parents, children, or siblings, etc. I thought I would attend a session and likely drop out. Instead, I felt I benefited, but more important, I felt I was helping others in a way that people not going through this could not. Later I was a friend to a colleague at work who lost his wife after many years of illness. He could stop by my office any time, and he could cry when necessary. He remarried and got through the hardship. I felt I'd taken an awful experience and turned it to good use. Never underestimate the power of helping someone in the same situation. You don't have to know anything special, or say a great deal. Just being there is really strong.

 

[reverendsasquatch]

I lost my brother about 3 years ago as well (April 12, he was 32-close to the age of your son). We are a (fly) fishing family, as well. 3 years in, and it still seems very raw and fresh.

My parents are still (and probably will be the rest of their lives) in deep pain. As for me, I've been half of the person I was before he died. CS Lewis likened death to losing a limb. That's how I've felt for almost 3 years. Some days I'm used to living as an amputee, other days, it seems like an impossible task. Sorry for your loss, Scrooge.

 

[coffinmaker]

Pain caused by a death can be beneficial in a way to keep us, me, in the reality that it is always ready to step in. The real question is are we ready to move to a new life? There are only two choices, eternity in light or eternity in darkness. Pain of a death should wake us up to what is truly important in life. As we move into this time of Easter, Lent, Pascha, we need to remember why. When my heart is filled with too much sorrow, I want to be on my knees to find peace. My prayer to all is that you will find strength to live with that persistent pain. Our son's clothes are still laid out on the beds, our prayers each day are said to also remember them. My wife bakes their favorite cake on their birthday. There is a remembrance service each year at church. These are things to help our painful spirit. Never forget, I thank God for that pain! Вечная память

 

[warren]

For me the pain went away only when I finally let it. It took a year before I realized I was mostly feeling sorry for myself as opposed to mourning the loss of my wife. It was a weight off my shoulders and now I can simply enjoy the memories without the pain, sometimes a genuine smile.
Life goes on and the decision to move beyond the "woe is me" stage, in my opinion, has to be a conscious one. Far be it from me to tell someone when the time is right to move one but, it'll come and you'll be the better for it.
I had to learn to quit "picking at the scab" as it were. Just my way of handling the grief. The sight of her shoes, still by the door, and her favorite jacket brings a smile now, more often than tears.

 

[drwatson]

Deeply sorry for your loss. No it never goes away, but it does evolve. It becomes something that is bearable.

 

[ophiuchus]

I have no answer to offer. There are no words. Just a hug.

 

[disinformatique]

I lost my father when I was 18, he was 45. I cant imagine the pain my grandfather must have gone through. The pain never goes away, but time makes it hurt less. I lost my grandfather in 2007, I was 27. I still miss Him the most and my father.
Chris :crying:

 

[hextor]

I thought that was you, in the picture! I am sorry for your loss, that is a hard one, I too have lost love ones, sometimes i feel i bit numbed, when i think about the people i have lost, its like a dream, like that person is on a vacation, it's like i don't want to accept the reality of it, I have lost a niece and my brother and I let her ashes go at sea, my sister in law passed, she was 23, she left 2 boys and a girl, right now i happened to be at the point were my dad is getting old, and i can see that he is aging, and his hair is turning white, he is still a very strong man, but i don't want to lose him too, and you have lost a son, a can't imagine the pain, don't want to, I have 2 boys and it would hurt too much to lose one of them, my deepest sympathies my friend.

 

[sablebrush52]

I haven't lost a child, but lost my oldest brother way before his time, and more recently, both of my parents. For me, acceptance helped with the pain, and over the years, life's flow has put that pain more and more in the background. Now, it's more sadness than pain. I focus on the memories more than on the loss.