Dealing With Aging Parents

[puff_not_snuff]

Well, I realize many members here are actually aging parents, but maybe that would provide even better insight into dealing with aging parents and I suspect most of the membership is vastly more responsible than my Mom. I think I'm losing my mind over trying to help her. She totaled her car a couple months ago which means I have to make a 3 hr. round trip to do errands for her, etc., nearly every week. Not really sure if she should be driving still, she's in her late 70s and well, a bit scattered but with that said I don't think she can even afford another one considering what cars cost these days and the sum of money she is getting from her insurance for hers. Anyways, any insights, personal experiences on the subject would be greatly helpful, if even only for the therapeutic benefit.

 

[Demard]

Well there are few option
1, get her to move near you or in with you
2, hire home care
3, move her in retirement/nursing home
4, continue doing weekly trips
it all depend on your situation and financial

 

[puff_not_snuff]

Well there are few option
1, get her to move near you or in with you
2, hire home care
3, move her in retirement/nursing home
4, continue doing weekly trips

1-3, this is the USA not France, and I'm not a millionaire.

 

[Demard]

I have no idea what is your and your mom housing situation whether you/mom own the house or renting, getting your mom to move in with you should be the cheapest
other than that is you move back to her / near her
3 hours round trips will cost a lot of fuel $ consider the sky high fuel price

 

[puff_not_snuff]

I have no idea what is your and your mom housing situation whether you/mom own the house or renting, getting your mom to move in with you should be the cheapest
other than that is you move back to her / near her
3 hours round trips will cost a lot of fuel $ consider the sky high fuel price

Neither is in any way practical for me. I live in a city where a 1 bedroom apartment is 3k and up and am required to be here so I and my spouse can you know, make a living. Anyway, I started this thread to hear about other's personal experiences and bitch, not for a list of the obvious things people do when their parents get old.

 

[warren]

I did for my mother as she did for me when I was a lad and younger. Whatever was necessary to accomodate her needs, including going into debt. It simply all depends on how you see your responsibilities. Some children feel an obligation to "mom". Others? Not so much.

 

[WhiteDevilPress]

Assuming she has a cellphone, teach her how to use rideshare services, or an old school taxi. Might prevent serious injuries or worse to other drivers, as well as her.

 

[mortonbriar]

I guess spending 3 hours a week on your elderly mother sounds about right.

I am not there yet, but even with parents in their 60's there is still some amount of regular help I end up giving, especially when Dad got seizures etc. I would struggle with the inefficiency of the help if they lived further away than the 15 minute drive I have now though....

 

[kcghost]

My mother died when I was 11 so that isn't germane to the issue. My father and I had a real tortured relationship. By the time he began to lose his mind I was pretty much out of his life.

 

[mso489]

As you point out, there are no easy answers. What is satisfactory to one individual or family is anathema to another.

It's counterintuitive but true, at least until recent years, that New York City has one of the longest life expectancies of anywhere in the U.S. With Covid and inflation, that may or may not be true today. But it is interesting to wonder how that could be possible. I think the two major contributing factors are that the density of population means that people can have a social life just walking around their block or running errands; the place is a zillion small towns all squeezed together. The other major factor is public transpiration. In 95% of the U.S., you can barely live without car. Even the cabs and other ride services are spotty many or most places. Most city bus services are laughable; it takes most of a day to run one errand.

Retirement communities tend to have a creepy feeling to them, like the vultures are circling, but at least the needs and abilities of elderly people are acknowledged. But people can lose access to or actual ownership of most of their possessions and end up living out of a closet the size of a locker. This is all a life circumstance we are all learning to address, and not very well as yet.

 

[STP]

Well, I realize many members here are actually aging parents, but maybe that would provide even better insight into dealing with aging parents and I suspect most of the membership is vastly more responsible than my Mom. I think I'm losing my mind over trying to help her. She totaled her car a couple months ago which means I have to make a 3 hr. round trip to do errands for her, etc., nearly every week. Not really sure if she should be driving still, she's in her late 70s and well, a bit scattered but with that said I don't think she can even afford another one considering what cars cost these days and the sum of money she is getting from her insurance for hers. Anyways, any insights, personal experiences on the subject would be greatly helpful, if even only for the therapeutic benefit.

Fortunately not my mother, but my wife is dealing with it. As such, so am I. Similar distances and circumstances as you. My mother-in-law is in her late 70’s and suffering w/Parkinson’s, amongst only things. We recently dealt with a car accident ordeal as well, and she is no longer capable of driving. What makes matters worse, she is stubborn, and losing her independence is understandably frustrating. She will not move in w/us… or closers. We spent time and resources on both. It’s a constant struggle w/appointments, groceries, maintenance, repairs, etc. Only positive is that my wife and I have taken steps to ensure that our kid will not go through this by acquiring long-term care Ins. It ain’t cheap, but worth it IMO. My sympathies for you and your mother as I know these are difficult times

 

[Andriko]

It seems tough in the US with the long distance. If it's possible, explore the idea of moving her closer to you, assuming this doesn't uproot her from friends and family. From my own experience, it maybe she wants you to spend more time with her, you are her child and he likely wants to enjoy your company as much as she can. If she is like alot of older people I know, she would never admit this. The errands are probably a way of being able to see you. Make quality time for her, and it might be she requires fewer errands suddenly.

I find that with my parents getting a bit older, I have learnt to appreciate the wisdom that age has brought them, and have come to understand them better as well as the sacrifices they made for me to be who I am. The modern world, especially in the anglosphere, doesn't appreciate the idea of the elders anymore, and see them as a nuisance. They are not, and we will all, hopefully, get there ourselves, and only then understand what it is to be old.

In the end, three hours a week is not too bad. She has spent 24 hours a day, seven days a week caring for and about you since the day you were born.

 

[jpberg]

Neither is in any way practical for me. I live in a city where a 1 bedroom apartment is 3k and up and am required to be here so I and my spouse can you know, make a living. Anyway, I started this thread to hear about other's personal experiences and bitch, not for a list of the obvious things people do when their parents get old.

Here’s a personal experience. After 5 years of trying to take care of my dad while he was still in his own house, I went and packed him up and moved him in with my family.
It has not been easy, comfortable, or always nice. But he’s my dad, and I’ll be damned if there’s some other right answer other than take care of your parents at least as well as they took care of you.

 

[ashdigger]

My story is not the same as anyone else’s but here’s what my circumstances have evolved into.

After 22 years of marriage I got a divorce. In the aftermath I moved in with my parents for what was going to be about a month.

17 years later I’m still here. Kinda like Gilligan’s Island.

I ended up working with my father and helping with my mother who was Ill from seizures and lupus.

Well, then my father passed and my handicapped son moved in with us. So currently it’s my mom, myself and my son.

I’m the only driver, and I’m the only cook.

I’m extremely fortunate my father taught me a skill and was able to continue the business after he passed.

I’m a huge fan of Uber Eats, Uber Ride Share, handymen and cleaning services.

My job is such that I am gone for a day or two at a moments notice so these services help.

Now that the background is clear.

My parents have done more for me than any other humans on the planet, I owe them. My son is valuable in many ways, but his help around the house has been a godsend.

Do I sacrifice my personal life for my son and mom, you bet your ass I do. Do I regret and worry about any of it, NO.

We all have different circumstances, lifestyles and finances. But family is the only thing that matters.

 

[puff_not_snuff]

Fortunately not my mother, but my wife is dealing with it. As such, so am I. Similar distances and circumstances as you. My mother-in-law is in her late 70’s and suffering w/Parkinson’s, amongst only things. We recently dealt with a car accident ordeal as well, and she is no longer capable of driving. What makes matters worse, she is stubborn, and losing her independence is understandably frustrating. She will not move in w/us… or closers. We spent time and resources on both. It’s a constant struggle w/appointments, groceries, maintenance, repairs, etc. Only positive is that my wife and I have taken steps to ensure that our kid will not go through this by acquiring long-term care Ins. It ain’t cheap, but worth it IMO. My sympathies for you and your mother as I know these are difficult times

Thanks man, it certainly isn't easy and good for you on the long term care insurance, as money certainly makes things much more difficult. Your post also highlights a similar frustration with my Mom, she's not stubborn but unmotivated I guess, not doing things around the house she's capable of etc. She has health issues but they are manageable at the moment. Thankfully their is an actual real life small town grocery store in walking distance. I have been encouraging her to walk there for years and now she does once a week or so, depending on the heat. I started gardening at her place last summer so she would at least have that to enjoy but she's even delinquent watering it despite always telling me how much she loves it. I mean, she has all this mail piling up and whatnot. Considering she was working up until the pandemic I had hoped that she would of gotten some things in order around the house since Covid but, nope!

I appreciate the many helpful responses here. Can't respond to them all at the moment but reading them sort of alleviated some stress or whatever. But to some of them, we can't always assume that a person's parents did as a good job as your own. I've been taking care of my Mom in one way or another my whole life, which in turn kinda compromised my own financial stability. Not blaming her but I probably shouldn't of enabled her so much when she was younger, both for myself and for her, actually. Another frustrating thing is my older brother pretty much washed his hands from helping out years ago in part because he knew I always picked up the slack... and I really don't see that changing.

Anyways... thanks all again and @mortonbriar the 3hrs is just the commute back and forth!

@kcghost Sorry to hear about your Mom. My girlfriend (well spouse really) lost her parents at a very young age and while she is sympathetic and supportive of what I'm dealing with I think it's almost impossible for her to contextualize what I'm going through. So, talking to her about it isn't really helpful despite her efforts.

 

[ssjones]

We moved my father and mother into a senior center, one mile from my house. Neither drove by that point. My dad was 90, and made it to 98. Gratefully, he never had to go into a nursing home, and passed peacefully. My mother, now 95, soldiers on. We sought and found two great nurses who help us check in on her every other day, for a bath and general care. She still can cook her own food, so the grocery orders continue. We're trying to keep her independent for as long as possible. They were fortunate, my father was a frugal man, but made great investment. So she has more than enough for her to live out her life in a nice place, thanks to his investments, Army retirement income and benefits. In the past two years, she's been healthier than either my wife and I,barely a cold and no COVID.

 

[AJL67]

There are many many senior assistance programs out there that would be worth looking into, home visits things like that that don't cost a lot of money and are funded through donations and things think meals on wheels but for other things as well. Might be worth looking to see what are available in her area at least for things like getting to the store to shop, if you can relive some of those daily or every couple of day things it would make seeing her once on the weekends that much better.

I would start here, I believe each state has their own branch and offer services

Programs & Services - DOEA - https://elderaffairs.org/programs-services/

Best of luck.

 

[bullet08]

I'm not the best son. I do what can. I moved my mother 5 min away from as soon as my father passed away 3 years ago. I drive her to bank and grocery few times a month. She will be 80 this weekend. She attends local church and that provides some form of social life for her. I think she's in better health than I'm. With my health issues, things do get frustrating. But she's my mom. Gotta do as much as I can.

 

[warren]

2, hire home care
3, move her in retirement/nursing home

Many states have programs which will assist in costs.

 

[sablebrush52]

My mother developed dementia in the final three years of her life and my fatherhad one fall too many and wound up bedridden. My siblings and I got together to talk about what we could do for them. One thing we agreed upon is that they should be able to stay in their home.

Between my father's social security, pension, and income from investments we were able to hire in-home care, though it was a fight to get them to accept it.

My sister reached out to her religious community to find caregivers at a cost we could manage.

Being the only sibling who was local to them, I took on management of their care and their finances, and was able to keep them financially afloat. Every weekend was spent running errands, buying food, picking up medications, dealing with unscrupulous "services", fighting health insurance shenanigans, watching the caregivers, who were generally excellent, taking care of the house, providing them with such entertainment as I could, and generally caring for them. I did this for 4 years.

Essentially, when I wasn't working I was taking care of them. Why wouldn't I do this? They took care of me.

Look into any public ride programs in her area. Look into food assistance. See what elder help is available where she lives. Check with social security and medicare to find out what services or coverage they offer for caregiving or medical equipment. It isn't much, but there is some, which is how we got Mom hospice care at the end.

Along the way, develop patience and acceptance. That will do a lot to help you get through this.

None of this is easy, but it is doable.