An Ode to Samuel Gawith's '1792'—Apologies to Dr. Suess

[MisterBadger]

I am Sam. I am Sam. Sam-I-Am.

That Sam-I-Am! That Sam-I-Am!
I loathe your weed, O Sam-I-Am!

But would you like your pipe to cram,
With Seventeen-Ninety-Two, my man?

I would not like it, Sam-I-Am!
I'm not an aromatics man.
To tell the truth, I am not keen
To smoke that stinky Tonkin-bean.

Would you smoke it in the house?
- As much as I'd like a dead mouse!
I would not like it, Sam-I-Am!
Those rave reviews are just a sham!

Would you smoke it in the shed?
- No, nor standing on my head!
Would you smoke it in the barn?
No, Sir, nowhere on the farm!

It's weird as mint sauce on roast lamb -
I do not like it, Sam-I-Am!

Would you like it in a Meer?
- No, it would ghost the pipe, I fear.
Would you smoke it in a pot?
- No, Sam-I-Am, I'd rather not!

Would you, could you, in a Dublin?
- Not the way the dottle's bubblin'.
I hate the taste of gooey dottle -
It would drive me to the bottle!

Your advertising is a scam -
It's fire-retardant, Sam-I-Am!

Could you, in a squat tomato?
No! The dottle sounds vibrato!
How about it in a poker?
- No! You have got to be a joker!

Would you - could you - in a Lovat?
- That's the last thing I could covet!
Might you smoke it in a bent?
- Not as penance, during Lent.

Cease to persuade, O Sam-I-Am!
Shut your mouth up, like a clam!

Might you like it in a prince?
- No! The flavour makes me wince!
Would you, could you, in a clay?
- No, nor any other way!

Your sticky flake's not worth a damn -
So you can shove it, Sam-I-Am!
I can't like Seventeen-Ninety-Two -
No power on earth can make me do!

(To Be Continued. Possibly)

 

[MisterBadger]

An Ode To Mr. Samuel Gawith's 1972 Flake (Part the Second)

(Sam I-Am continues, undeterred by Mr. B.)

You do not like it - so you say -
Just try again, and then you may.

Sam, if you will let me be,
I'll give it one more go - we'll see.

(Mr. B. lights up again)

Say! Beneath that Tonkin-stink,
I taste an undertone, I think:
Something dank, and dark, and surly -
Could it be inferior Burley?

Yes! It's rather harsh and mucky -
What it is, is poor Kentucky.
Man! This weed gives me a pain -
The feckin' stuff's gone out again!

Just try Relight Twenty-Three -
You'll like it soon, I guarantee.

(Mr. B. lights up yet again)

Aha! Good Heavens! Bless my soul!
Right at the bottom of the bowl,
Fruity doughiness, like bread pudding
That sugar, salt and spice weren't put in...

And something else beneath the odour
Of Grandma's perfumed talcum-powder:
Vinegar, perhaps? Soy sauce?
Not soap - Tabasco! Yes, of course!

(To Be Concluded In Part Three To Follow)

 

[The Clay King]

I was smoking SG 1792 in my clay at the Battle of Nantwich re-enactment last January.

 

[elvishrunes]

. I assume he ends up liking it, as the original poem goes…

Just had a bowl of it not 4 hours ago sitting on my porch,

 

[MisterBadger]

. I assume he ends up liking it, as the original poem goes…

Just had a bowl of it not 4 hours ago sitting on my porch,

@elvishrunes - I have no idea yet. It's autobiographical
And yes, it does have that effect, doesn't it - four hours later and you feel as if you've just smoked it...

 

[MisterBadger]

An Ode To Mr. Samuel Gawith's 1972 Flake (Part the Third)

(Sam-I-Am persists)

You might like it, when you've tried
To smoke it, twenty-one days dried...
So, Mr. B., have one more go -
You'll like it in the end, I know.

Oh, Sam-I-Am! Just one more try
I'll have, since it is almost dry -
But it needs a cadence like a train:
Sam, you or I must be insane!

I've dried it three weeks in the air:
The Grandma perfume is still there
(Though muted). If it stayed alight,
You know, it just might be all right...

(Many more frantic puffs and several relights later)

I cannot like it, Sam-I-Am -
I cannot smoke another gram.
Dunked in molasses, maybe you
Could sell it just for folks to chew...

It might smoke better in a clay
The heat might drive the damp away).
The way they smoked it, in my view,
Way back in 1792.

Somewhere in there, to my belief,
There is some halfway decent leaf,
Not unlike Charatan Black Flake -
Perhaps some got in by mistake?

Virgiania notes of mouldy hay
Don't keep the Tonka-taste away -
Dried fruit soaked in cheap brandy, too,
And just a hint of fish-bone glue...

I only like it just a bit:
I cannot say it's total shit.
It smokes much better, now it's hot -
I like it, Sam - but not a lot.

- F I N I S -

 

[Pooh-Bah]

As I pessimistically anticipate the death of War Horse and look at 1792 as a potential replacement, your verse fills my soul with hope.
After all, how many blends can drive one to poetry? Even if the poem accounts to a review of... What, 3/5? One thumb up, out of two?

 

[MisterBadger]

As I pessimistically anticipate the death of War Horse and look at 1792 as a potential replacement, your verse fills my soul with hope.
After all, how many blends can drive one to poetry? Even if the poem accounts to a review of... What, 3/5? One thumb up, out of two?

@Pooh-Bah - 2 out of 5, say, or a single thumb held out sideways, and waggled non-commitedly up and down a bit. However, if War Horse is your favourite blend, then 1792 might work for you - especially if you sprayed it with Ouzo and then microwaved it. Oh, and add some Valerian root.

 

[Pooh-Bah]

Stick 1792 in a Tupperware with half a shot of absinthe for a week, then sprinkle horse sedative on it, gotcha.
...One of the ponies on the farm had anxiety issues, so they were dosing him with Valerian cordial until the vet told 'em he had Lyme's Disease and that was messing with his head. He's doing fine now, after a round of meds for that.

 

[Choatecav]

I was smoking SG 1792 in my clay at the Battle of Nantwich re-enactment last January.

Were you portraying a Cavalier or a Roundhead?

 

[wyfbane]

Fantastic Ode, dear Badger! 1792 is the one tobacco I do not like, so I really liked the first part best. ha ha.

 

[The Clay King]

Were you portraying a Cavalier or a Roundhead?

@Choatecav Neither as I wasn't taking part but I'd like to - at least I'd like to dress up and smoke a clay.

 

[MisterBadger]

@Choatecav Neither as I wasn't taking part but I'd like to - at least I'd like to dress up and smoke a clay.

- Get in touch with a large-sized regiment (like Prince Rupert's) beforehand, and see if they'll be prepared to lend you some kit and take part by way of a taster. At least, that used to happen with the more well-heeled regiments in my day. And if you can, get a posting to the artillery: there, in between firing the guns, you get to spend a lot of time standing around watching, when you might as well have a smoke (well away from the powder barrels, of course), and there's plenty of slow-match around to keep your damnably damp Gollum and Hogwarts' 1792 lit

 

[The Clay King]

- Get in touch with a large-sized regiment (like Prince Rupert's) beforehand, and see if they'll be prepared to lend you some kit and take part by way of a taster. At least, that used to happen with the more well-heeled regiments in my day. And if you can, get a posting to the artillery: there, in between firing the guns, you get to spend a lot of time standing around watching, when you might as well have a smoke (well away from the powder barrels, of course), and there's plenty of slow-match around to keep your damnably damp Gollum and Hogwarts' 1792 lit

@MisterBadger Sounds good to me! I had my clay lit with a slow match during my last visit to the Battle of Nantwich

 

[condorlover1]

@The Clay King : Lighting your clay with a slow match. Is that a euphemism for masturbation?

 

[The Clay King]

@The Clay King : Lighting your clay with a slow match. Is that a euphemism for masturbation?

@condorlover1 No it's how they lit their pipes in the 17th Century; just don't smoke around the gunpowder

 

[condorlover1]

As I pessimistically anticipate the death of War Horse and look at 1792 as a potential replacement, your verse fills my soul with hope.
After all, how many blends can drive one to poetry? Even if the poem accounts to a review of... What, 3/5? One thumb up, out of two?

I always wondered who purchased all the War Horse. If you ask Dan we still have the compounding tables for the plug to make the stuff. If you ask him nicely he will share it with you. The composition of the original was also published on here circa 2015 if you search through the threads. Somehow I just don't see them killing off War Horse.

 

[BlueRidge]

I always wondered who purchased all the War Horse. If you ask Dan we still have the compounding tables for the plug to make the stuff. If you ask him nicely he will share it with you. The composition of the original was also published on here circa 2015 if you search through the threads. Somehow I just don't see them killing off War Horse.

had to look when you typed sold out, seen green oos before but not red

 

[condorlover1]

had to look when you typed sold out, seen green oos before but not red

View attachment 351971

Pipes & Cigars seem to have it available!

 

[The Clay King]

- Get in touch with a large-sized regiment (like Prince Rupert's) beforehand, and see if they'll be prepared to lend you some kit and take part by way of a taster. At least, that used to happen with the more well-heeled regiments in my day. And if you can, get a posting to the artillery: there, in between firing the guns, you get to spend a lot of time standing around watching, when you might as well have a smoke (well away from the powder barrels, of course), and there's plenty of slow-match around to keep your damnably damp Gollum and Hogwarts' 1792 lit

@MisterBadger I had my clay pipe of 1792 Flake lit with a slow match at this year's Battle of Nantwich; definitely memorable. So you think I'll need plenty of slow match to keep my pipe lit