That is pretty funny. Reminds me of scotch review- I love scotch, but you read a few and after words like "gasoline, turpentine, and rotting leaves" you start to wonder why humans drink it!
My absolute favorite part of a tobacco review? "Burns down to a fine white ash, no dottle." Every tobacco on earth apparently leaves no dottle!
And my favorite advertisement? "No tongue Bite". Every brand seems to advertise that.
So I'd like to see a few more "down to earth" write ups. How about this for a review:
Tarak's Kake is a classic crumble cake of a mix of virginias and perique gently flavored with vanilla and just a hint of propylene glycol for interest. Its extinguishes down to a sad moist clump of wasted tobacco and burns hell out of your mouth. Enjoyed by newcomers and experienced smokers alike.
Reviewing is always a neat trick. If you get too fanciful, you lose touch with the subject. If you write too dryly, it's just not engaging. I think giving a review a strong factual base, telling what you know about the blend, is important. Then, at the opportune place in the review, if you can use the selected unexpected verb or image to depict the taste, smell, texture, or other characteristic of the blend, that can put the review across with a ring of authenticity. It's always a balancing act. Hopefully many will appreciate the ring of truth, and always there will be those who think you are too boring to live, or are a jerk. But that's the sport of reviewing.
Kevin, here is one that I made up on tobaccoreviews.com (with Jon Tilman's permission), back in 2008. And we even had a guy make up a fake tin to complete the hoax. I put this up on the site on April 1st, 2008 as an April Fool's joke. Some of the guys played along but others thought I was serious! - http://www.tobaccoreviews.com/blend/2950/kanes-of-new-zealand-lamb-cake-slices
When we started trying to know our beer, my wife and I kept a notebook with the ones we'd tasted, our impressions and which flavours we could detect. We also ranked them with --, -, + and ++. Much like what I do with pipes, actually.
Most of it was sensible, but we were once in the pub and she had a stout. When I looked over at her notes, she'd written:
"Tastes of horse. ++"
I dunno, it reads like an anti-intelluctual poking fun at folks that see more to pipe smoking than what's at the end of drug store counter. There's plenty of fodder on TR, no doubt.
Anyway, beer nerd spoiler. All barley in beer is roasted, the exception is unmalted wheat, which is used rarely in wheat beers. Black Patent malt is what contributes a roasted coffee flavor to stouts and also the black color.