Dealing With Aging Parents

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Briar Lee

Lifer
Sep 4, 2021
4,835
13,888
Humansville Missouri
I will always be convinced that people were somehow created and we are not here accidentally as a long evolutionary process.

Last night at an outdoor restaurant there was a tiny little girl and her mother at a table near ours. If something happened to the mother that child would perish immediately, within a day or two, if somebody else didn’t mother it. And in seventy years that mother will be as helpless as her little girl, without help.

And although they weren’t present, if a lot of men hadn’t toiled to set up that peaceful scene of an outdoor restaurant it wouldn’t be there. If men hadn’t arranged America’s defenses that no other nation could even think of invading Fulton Missouri that mother and child wouldn’t be speaking English very long.

Caring for the children and the elderly is difficult today in Ukraine.


My father died young, but I lived to have to see my mother grow old and then one day when she was 80 she called and said she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, and had only a few years to live.

I drove to Humansville and she opened the door in full makeup with high heels.

She said open your car door for your dying mother and let’s go to the A Frame Cafe to discuss my impending demise.

I said Mama I don’t want to talk about you dying in front of all our friends!

She replied she didn’t either, as it was a rather depressing prospect, so off we went to the A Frame Cafe.

She stayed in her home until she had a heart attack in July 2019, and from there she went to a local nursing home, where she died in October 2010, peacefully, in my arms, as I came at noon to eat with her.

I can talk about it now without tears.




The night before she died, she helped me sing this old song.


Then she requested this one, which is the last song we ever sang together this side of heaven.


I asked her why she only warned me against drinking and not against taking drugs, and she said she knew I wouldn’t do drugs but I was always partial to those beer joint songs she taught me.
 
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Hillcrest

Lifer
Dec 3, 2021
2,706
13,020
Bagshot Row, Hobbiton
I too, have cared for elderly parents and relatives the last twenty years. The sheer joys far outweigh the small sacrifices. If it is any consolation my parish church offers prayers at every mass for all first responders including fire, police, ambulance, nurses, doctors, and those who care for the elderly, ill or handicapped. I also offer daily prayers for those similarly situated. Hang in there ... its worth it. :)

P.S. Try to fit in a relaxing pipe bowl to relieve stress !
 

Hillcrest

Lifer
Dec 3, 2021
2,706
13,020
Bagshot Row, Hobbiton
A lot depends on what type of relationship you have with your parents. Not all families were Leave it To Beaver style. In fact, for some, they were downright hell-holes. That's all I'll say.
Sadly, you are too correct, and in those situations your first obligation is to protect yourself to survive, then possibly other siblings if able. I was very fortunate. Try to overcome or get some help if needed. You've survived thus far. I have met several people from horrendous upbringings and have had nothing but admiration for their mere survival and outcomes. I wish you all the best.
 

Ahi Ka

Lurker
Feb 25, 2020
6,524
31,506
Aotearoa (New Zealand)
3 hours might not seem such a long time when you consider how long it took for her to push you out…

But yeah, having a good space to vent, smoking an extra bowl on a quiet evening, and not letting the stress dominate your entire communication with your partner are things I’ve found helpful
 

Briar Lee

Lifer
Sep 4, 2021
4,835
13,888
Humansville Missouri
To be quite honest I didn't ask to be pushed out.
Lest I propagandize the virtues of my beloved Ozarks too much, a quarter mile across the line in Cedar County within yelling distance was the home of my childhood friend. He was one of 13 boys by his mother who abandoned him to his father, who promptly remarried a younger woman who delivered him two pampered and privileged babies. She’d beat his kids with a rubber hose, if they came home with not enough blackberries, or for any other reason she thought of.

Even today there are so called “Christian” boarding schools thick around the old home place. One of my renters was Chief of Police of Humansville and I’d be home and he’d come back with tears all streaming down his face after having to return runaways to their Lord’s Annointed keepers.


Whenever somebody asks about my childhood I always reply God picked my parents well. A quarter mile off and I’d have been scrambling to get a chicken wing at supper.

Sing one, Tommy!



My folks might not have been perfect but they did the best they could, you know?
 
Jan 27, 2020
4,002
8,122
Lest I propagandize the virtues of my beloved Ozarks too much, a quarter mile across the line in Cedar County within yelling distance was the home of my childhood friend. He was one of 13 boys by his mother who abandoned him to his father, who promptly remarried a younger woman who delivered him two pampered and privileged babies. She’d beat his kids with a rubber hose, if they came home with not enough blackberries, or for any other reason she thought of.

Even today there are so called “Christian” boarding schools thick around the old home place. One of my renters was Chief of Police of Humansville and I’d be home and he’d come back with tears all streaming down his face after having to return runaways to their Lord’s Annointed keepers.


Whenever somebody asks about my childhood I always reply God picked my parents well. A quarter mile off and I’d have been scrambling to get a chicken wing at supper.

Sing one, Tommy!



My folks might not have been perfect but they did the best they could, you know?

Well, not considering the sacrifice and hard work of being a parent etc., I don't buy that narrative of the selflessness of bestowing a life unto this world etc., people have kids for many different (often selfish) reasons, some even have children because they enjoy having sex.
 

AJL67

Lifer
May 26, 2022
4,680
24,829
Florida - Space Coast
From the replies i don’t think you’ll find a magic bullet for your conscience here. Seems ppl get pissed off they get put into these positions they didn’t “ask for”. I didn’t ask for a shit bag father or my mom to be killed when i was a young teen. Play the cards you’re dealt however you want.
 
Jan 27, 2020
4,002
8,122
From the replies i don’t think you’ll find a magic bullet for your conscience here. Seems ppl get pissed off they get put into these positions they didn’t “ask for”. I didn’t ask for a shit bag father or my mom to be killed when i was a young teen. Play the cards you’re dealt however you want.

Oh, btw that suggestion of various state's senior services was helpful. I found the one in her state and saw for example that they offer assistance with hearing aides. As it happened, she lost her 3k hearing aides in her car and I spent a while looking for them in the wreckage without any luck, and she's still paying them off via a payment plann... wish I knew about that beforehand but going to call this week and see if they can get her a new pair.
 

AJL67

Lifer
May 26, 2022
4,680
24,829
Florida - Space Coast
Oh, btw that suggestion of various state's senior services was helpful. I found the one in her state and saw for example that they offer assistance with hearing aides. As it happened, she lost her 3k hearing aides in her car and I spent a while looking for them in the wreckage without any luck, and she's still paying them off via a payment plann... wish I knew about that beforehand but going to call this week and see if they can get her a new pair.
I think that’s about going to be your best bet, there’s def a hardship with travel / distance and all of that, i think it’s past “you owe them” because that’s not helpful and might just bring up unhelpful emotions. Solutions are what would be best for everyone. I’d def look at what senior transportation is available for doc appointments, shopping, things like that, might as well get something for all the taxes you pay and they paid in the past.
 
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Paul lec

Lifer
May 28, 2020
1,784
29,860
Being 70 myself,I can only tell you of my experience with my parents. My Dad died at 60, and my Mom at 93. Although she lived relatively close, it was very difficult to care for both my own young kids and her. My Mother was a very difficult person to deal with, I knew she could never live with us as it would have broken my marriage. When she began to fail, we found an assisted living facility that she could afford and moved her there. While there she fell and broke her hip which required a long surgery, as is common she never really recovered and developed severe dementia, so she then went into a nursing home. Some may find that heartless, but it was what we did. I am now seeing my sister, who is near 80 and very poor financially, so she lived with her daughter for a while and it caused many problems, now she is with her son and similar problems are arising. My wife and I do not want that to happen to us so we are planning for the day when we need help. We do not want to have our kids to have to deal with what we did. Every family is different and there are no easy answers. I’ve seen many of my friends deal with it in many different ways,I don’t really think I could live with my children, I hope your situation works out best for you, good luck and I’m sure it will all work out.
 

tbradsim1

Lifer
Jan 14, 2012
9,099
11,051
Southwest Louisiana
Both parents died of cancer, so I didn’t have that burden, took care of wife’s Aunt who took her sister’s children, my wife and 3 more. I am so respectful of people who do what is said in this thread. You are Angels. I Garronte! When it’s my turn I will go to the far end of my farm and take care of business, I will never be a burden to my children!
 

sablebrush52

The Bard Of Barlings
Jun 15, 2013
19,744
45,261
Southern Oregon
jrs457.wixsite.com
some even have children because they enjoy having sex.
Someone should tell them there are ways to avoid that.

Reminds me of a Groucho story;

A female contestant is introduced on You Bet Your Life and Groucho asks her a few questions to introduce her to the studio audience:

Groucho: Hello Mrs. Moskowitz, it says here that you've been married 9 years and have 8 children. My, that seems like a lot of children.

Mrs. Moskowitz: I love my husband!

Groucho: I love my cigars too, but I take them out of my mouth every once in a while.

BTW, Groucho says this exchange never happened and there's no existing evidence, despite claims to the contrary, that id does. Great story nonetheless. Risk of getting knocked up is not an inevitability, except in several states.
 
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AJL67

Lifer
May 26, 2022
4,680
24,829
Florida - Space Coast
Someone should tell them there are ways to avoid that.

Reminds me of a Groucho story;

A female contestant is introduced on You Bet Your Life and Groucho asks her a few questions to introduce her to the studio audience:

Groucho: Hello Mrs. Moskowitz, it says here that you've been married 9 years and have 8 children. My, that seems like a lot of children.

Mrs. Moskowitz: I love my husband!

Groucho: I love my cigars too, but I take them out of my mouth every once in a while.

BTW, Groucho says this exchange never happened and there's no existing evidence, despite claims to the contrary, that id does. Great story nonetheless. Risk of getting knocked up is not an inevitability, except in several states.
If it was in her mouth they wouldn’t have… nvm.
 

swampgrizzly

Might Stick Around
Sep 26, 2018
86
201
South Louisiana, U.S.A.
Everyone's family dynamics are different. As your remaining years of relationship go by with your mother try to lean towards being as merciful as your time and resources enable you to be with your mother. I too faced many of your issues caring for my mother in her last years. Many times I was inconvenienced, frustrated, made sacrifices, and not sure what do do anymore. It was only after she passed away that I realized some things I could have done differently that might have made things easier for both of us. But, at least I am able to go on knowing that I did the best I could during those years with the time and resources I had available during those years.

I experienced an unexpected job well done complement a few months after my mother passed away when my church parish's pastor commented during a Sunday sermon about caring for elder dying parents. His message was one of encouraging parishioners to do all they could for their elder parents. He contrasted the coldness of those who quickly institutionalize their parents without hardly ever visiting them again with those who strive to assist their parents stay in a home environment with personal care and love. As an example, without identifying me or my mother, he described efforts that had been involved in my mother's final years that he could have only found out about from my mother's friends and neighbors! I had been so busy with my career, personal life needs, and my mother's needs I had no idea that others were noticing and aware of how my mother was being cared for! Talk about receiving a grace and blessing that Sunday! Though I am a sinner and not perfect in any way, that unexpected complement help me to see that my caring efforts had been worth it.

I believe blessings will come your way for whatever level of support you are able to provide to your mother!
 
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