Put that in Your Pipe

Late Night Visitors

Russ Ouellette
Recently, after a long, but productive day at work,
I came home and ordered a white pizza with clams. I sat down and ate my pizza, which I like to dip in peanut butter, along with a chocolate shake and smoked a heavy Latakia blend with Perique, while watching some reality TV.

When my eyelids began to droop, I headed off to bed. I fell asleep very quickly (a rather unusual occurrence for me) and was blissfully relaxed and dreaming (something to do with the GEICO gecko trying to figure out where to put a pipe, pouch, tool and lighter when going out), when my slumber was rudely interrupted by a slapping sound.

I sat bolt upright in my bed to see three men in non-descript black suits, white shirts and black ties and shoes and RayBans. One had his hands in his pockets, another was checking his cell phone and the third was absent-mindedly slapping a rubber hose into the palm of his opposite hand.

I politely asked them "What the hell are you %#*@^!! &*@$##* doing in my room, and how did you get in here?" Pocket-Hands said, "How we got here is classified, and the reason we’re here is for information and your cooperation." I told them that an email or phone call would have been a more professional manner in which to communicate. Cell-Phone Guy said that that would depend upon one’s profession. I asked for ID, but they simply said that they don’t have ID and didn’t need any. All I needed to know was that there would be dire consequences if I didn’t cooperate.

"What do you want to know? I’m a pretty ordinary guy, and I don’t have any secrets as far as I can remember." I stated. Rubber-Hose said in reply "First things first…are you an MOD?" "Manager on duty?" I asked. "No, idiot, Merchant of Death!"

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I was stunned. "I’ve never killed anyone. Hell, I don’t even step on bugs if I can avoid it." was my response. He peered at me over the top of his sunglasses and said, "So you deny that you make and sell tobacco?"

"No, I don’t deny it, but the last I looked, that wasn’t against the law." I said. "You’re absolutely right about the legality, but the Morality Police aren’t concerned about laws" was his reply.

"Morality Police? You’re kidding, right?" I asked.

"No, sir, we’re the people who know what’s good for you because you’re too stupid to make your own decisions." said Cell-Phone Guy.

"So, what exactly have I done that I deserve to be threatened?"

"You sell tobacco, and continue to come up with new blends to tempt people to smoke." said Pocket-Hands. "That’s true; that’s what I do for a living, but I don’t go out and give tobacco to people who aren’t smokers or who are underage. I make tobaccos and sell them to adults who are capable of making their own decisions." was my reply.

"No, they’re not. If they were capable of making decisions, they wouldn’t smoke."

I finally got fed up, and didn’t care about the consequences. "Who gives you the right to decide what’s right or wrong? You anti-smoking zealots don’t know the difference between cigarette smoking and pipe and cigar smoking, and you use junk science to "prove" your points. Hell, the chemicals used to tan the leather in your shoes are probably more dangerous than anything that I make, so why don’t you wear canvas sneakers?", I replied, stepping off my soapbox.

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"They don’t look good with the suit. Besides, we don’t have to know that what we say is true; all we have to do is trust our superiors, who are much wiser than anyone else we know. " was all I got. "So, are you going to cooperate?"

"I haven’t heard a request, mandate or proposal. What am I supposed to do to cooperate?" I asked.

"Make a public statement that you finally realize that what you’re doing is wrong, that you’ll be giving it up and you encourage anyone who hears your statement to quit smoking." I guess they figured that my hearing that from the guy with the rubber hose would be most persuasive.

I paused before giving my reply. "I break out in a scaly rash if I lie, and if make that statement, I’ll spend the rest of my life looking like an armadillo. I don’t suppose that if I ask nicely, you’ll leave, huh?"

"’Fraid not. We have a job to do. You have two choices: do as we ask, or disappear."

I thought about it for a moment and replied, "Actually, there’s another option." I reached out to my nightstand and took a humongous Ardor full-bent egg from the rack which holds about a half-pound of tobacco and loaded it up with Larry’s Blend. I then grabbed a Bernz-O-Matic torch I keep nearby and lit up. As the room filled up with a blue-white cloud of Latakia-rich fumes, my visitors all went for their government-issue handkerchiefs and covered their noses and mouths.

"Too late," I said, "according to the most recent proclamation by the Surgeon General, you’ve already been exposed to enough smoke to alter your DNA. By tomorrow, you may all turn into iguanas or amoebas. Since it’s obvious that you believe every word you’re told by your superiors, I would suggest that you all go out for a nice meal and a few drinks, because you’re almost certainly going to die soon."

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Rubber-Hose took a couple of menacing steps forward, and…

Then I woke up in a puddle of sweat, heart pounding while thanking God that it was just a nightmare. And I thought about the morality of what I do for a living. At worst, I help people get through their day with a little less stress, and at best, I bring some pleasure to folks who are looking for a respite from life’s difficulties and worries. My moral crisis was over.

However, I think I’m going to change my stance on the wisdom of combining a white clam pizza, peanut butter, a chocolate shake and a Latakia/Perique blend. Or maybe it was the reality TV…

 

Russ Ouellette is the blender/creator of the Hearth & Home series of tobaccos for Habana Premium Cigar Shoppe and www.pipesandcigars.com in Albany, NY. He has been a pipe smoker and blender for over 30 years, and enjoys feedback from the pipe smoking public. You can reach Russ at russo@pipesandcigars.com or by calling 1-800-494-9144 on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday from 9 am to 5 pm and Friday from 1 pm to 5 pm.

See our interview with Russ Ouellette Here

 

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L
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    Lawrence
  • April 3, 2012
LOL! It was definitely the TV....
Great read Russ!
Thanks
K
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    Kurt Simmons
  • April 3, 2012
They're REAL!
I seen 'em too!
C
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    cortezattic
  • April 3, 2012
Thanks Russ. The fanatical anti's pursue us with such zeal they seem to be incapable of realizing that they are out of sync with this country's founding principles. They want to impose their lifestyle choices on smokers, which is nothing less than totalitarianism. Next thing you know, they'll be forcing us to buy health insurance and broccoli! :)
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  • D
    dervis
  • April 3, 2012
Thanks for that, I needed a good belly laugh.
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    blendtobac
  • April 3, 2012
I don't mind the health insurance, as I'm a disease-ridden smoker who spreads the plague by lighting up my pipe, but BROCCOLI??? Surely you jest!
Russ
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    drwatson
  • April 3, 2012
Great read! scares me though as a newer pipe smoker i would like to have time to enjoy this art. if they get there way this dream could become reality!!!
T
  • T
    thefoolish Ethan
  • April 3, 2012
Man, Russ. Peanut butter, clams, chocolate, and cheese? That sounds like an Iron Chef challenge!
Fun read and very well written.
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    rcstan
  • April 3, 2012
Absolutely hilarious!
took a humongous Ardor full-bent egg ..... which holds about a half-pound of tobacco that would be one cool pipe
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    baronsamedi
  • April 3, 2012
Hey, Russ! We even eat the same! I always dream about zombies, though. Great article.
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    Andy
  • April 3, 2012
In my grad school days I did some research on Centinarians(people who live to 100 and beyond). It was funny as some attributed their longevity to eating pork fat every day with black coffee, etc. Longevity isn't about what a person does i.e, eating too many burgers or smoking a pipe. It's all about how one responds to life's ups and downs, managing stress and having a good spiritual foundation. These were the primary factors for every one who lived to 100. Smoking my pipe helps me slow down and take quiet, reflective moments in my day. Pipe smoking is my "joie de vivre"!
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    Clif
  • April 3, 2012
Russ, I knew you blended leaves beautifully, but who knew you could blend words, too?
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    Jud
  • April 3, 2012
Funny piece, Russ - thanks.
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    oldmaus
  • April 4, 2012
That was a great story....something a little different!
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    markw4mms
  • April 4, 2012
Great read, Russ! BTW, the though of white pizza dipped in peanut butter is enough to give me nightmares!
P
  • P
  • April 4, 2012
Hahahaha, as soon as I read "reality show" I knew this was going to end with a nightmare :) !!! Thanks for a great read!
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    shaintiques
  • April 4, 2012
Reached for his pipe....not what I would have reached for. But it does produce smoke of the killing kind.
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    bobby46
  • April 4, 2012
From a consumer POV, massively-increased-taxation is yet another recurrent theme for lost sleep.
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    Spartan
  • April 4, 2012
Dips his pizza in peanut butter... wow. That sounds gross but THANK YOU for that entertaining article. You are a true flavor hunter. Only garlic sauce shall ever touch my pizza.
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    rigmedic1
  • April 4, 2012
I have had the same dream!,,, thanks for the laugh Russ.
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    alonso2
  • April 5, 2012
They are real,they are called...the Government.
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    Bassem
  • April 5, 2012
Excellent read. The country where I live in has smoking in restaurants, clubs, hotels, government buildings, offices etc.....allowed. Pipes, cigars and cigarettes......whatever your heart desires.
One thing that I am not able to understand is the interference of the government with their citizens personal choice.
A pack of 20's cost $1.25 and a 50 gram tobacco $4. Cigars depends on the make and quality.
Checking on where the majority of tobacco and cigarettes are made; funny enough the good USA
This is something I simply cannot understand.
G
  • G
    glpease
  • April 6, 2012
Great read, Russ. It's good to be able to laugh, while we can, in the face of the adversity that is all too real; we only wish it was just a bad dream.
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    blendtobac
  • April 6, 2012
Thanks, Greg. It's really unsettling that Kevin decided to run this article at this time, as I've been sent emails from two different customers this week with newspaper articles attached regarding proposed municipal laws banning people from smoking in their own homes.
I swear that there's a camera and microphone planted in my bedroom, but the joke's on them; nothing happens in there.
Russ
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    madnessmcpiper
  • April 9, 2012
Ha Ha... The New World Order Tobacco Police
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    juozapas
  • April 12, 2012
LOL
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    blendtobac
  • April 16, 2012
I want to clarify: this was supposed to be humorous satire. I would never dip my pizza in peanut butter. But a nice bleu cheese dressing...well, that's a different story.
Russ
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    Jess
  • April 18, 2012
I enjoyed the read and agree with Andy's post above and his “joie de vivre”! Now to find out what "joie de vivre" means? I'm going out on the plank on this ship and guess, something like "the joy of living or joy of life"? It certainly is one of "those" for me!
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    barkar
  • April 18, 2012
Cheese and onion sandwiches make for some interesting nights as well if your looking for adventure.
S
Excellent article: unfortunately adults are no longer grown ups, able to make their own decisions, what's with the human race, just let me smoke in peace
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