Top 9 ½ Ways To Use Your Pipe

E. Roberts

We pipemen and women tend to take our hobby for granted, and at face value. Sure, we on the forums may be the 1%, the die-hard enthusiasts of the hobby, and view ourselves as the real pros when it comes to all things pipe and tobacco; but it is just this sort of thinking that blinds us to the world of possibilities that lies just beyond the doorstep of what we know to be true. So let’s take a little ride on the "What If?" machine, and ponder the myriad ways your pipe may be employed for means other than merely enjoying premium tobacco.

Make a clippin’ fortune with a pipe!

This may actually be easier than it sounds. Go out and enlist the aid of one or two of your most photogenic friends, and start snapping pictures of them with a pipe—it’s one of the hottest stock photo images selling right now. Who knew Kevin could start this kind of trend with his Pipe Babes?


Stock Photos of Blondes with pipes. Who knew?


Speaking of pictures, try adding a new dimension to your photo bombing skills!

Admit it, you’ve done it. Whether it was to your Aunt Linda at her fourth wedding, or to some nameless tourist intent on capturing priceless memories of their vacation, you’ve photo bombed someone. And you’ve felt no remorse, naturally; but these days you really need to step up your game. Now do it with a little more style and panache—extra points for using a trusty corncob!

They’ll never see it coming … 

Add some flair to your social media debauchery.

In the new millennium, it’s not about mankind seeking to become one with both his inner nature and the outer universe—it’s about cashing in on your 15 minutes of fame at any cost. As we’ve already discovered, a pipe, even as an incidental prop, automatically adds class and style to what would otherwise be an embarrassingly dull selfie. So, indulge!

Captain Morgan ALWAYS gets me into trouble. Not always this kind of trouble, but … 

Establish your counter-culture cred.

Not to demean us dyed-in-the-wool pipe enthusiasts, but unless you live under a rock (and if so, how are you reading this?) you know that the current youth movement known as "hipsters" have embraced the pipe. Lacking any other talents, stick a few in your maw, grow an unkempt beard, and refuse to work for The Man—and enjoy all the rights and privileges that entails!

Probably the funniest thing this guy has done.

Get married to Marilyn Monroe.

Ok, so Arthur Miller (and James Dougherty, and Joe DiMaggio) beat us to it. And, sadly, she’s moved on to the silver screen in the sky. But don’t let that slow you down. Find your own Marilyn and dazzle her with your wood. You don’t think it was Miller’s plays that attracted her, do you?

Why do men always get stuck doing the yardwork?

If a square job isn’t your idea of fun, live on the wild side and rob a bank—with a pipe!

I’ll be the first to admit that working 9 to 5 is no way to make a living. It really is all taking, and no giving. So if you’re averse to long hours, tight deadlines, incompetent management and unmotivated staff, simply turn your trusty novelty briar into a one-way ticket to riches. Can you believe this isn’t done more often??

Does this look like "gub" or "gun"?

Use your pipe as a handy replacement for other, more common, household items.

Not all of us have easy access to weaponized smoking implements. When you can’t find your toolbox and absolutely, positively need to have that deck finished before the Memorial Day barbeque, what are you going to do? Use your trusty pipe of course! Why do you think they call it a "beater"?

Jeffrey Kranz, via the InterWebs.

A pipe also makes an excellent prop for instantly transmitting one’s authority and erudition. Laser pointers for presentations are so last-millennium; if you really want to grab your audience’s attention, use a pipe to drive that point home.

Pipes: the thinking man’s laser pointer.

Let the pipe be your guide.

Magritte took inspiration from the quintessential image of the pipe and managed to turn art history on its ear with his surrealist depiction of it in The Treachery of Images. Juan Gris, the Spanish painter and early proponent of Cubism, was an ardent smoker and depicted them often in some of his greatest works. Who knows, your ticket to 15 minutes could be just a meme away!

Coming next month: The Art of the Pipe.

So you see, the catchphrase of "thinking outside the box", overused as it may be, certainly holds true for all things, even pipe smoking. What are your favorite non-traditional uses for a pipe?

Drucquers Banner

9 Responses

  • Eight More Suggestions:
    Blow soap bubbles with your pipe.
    Use it to deliver an enema.
    Could be used to insulate electric wire.
    Sip beer with it.
    Make a lamp out of it.
    Learn to play music on it.
    Wedge a door open with the pipe.
    Smoke weed in it.

  • Use two straight pipes to play the vibraphone
    Use two pipes to send semifore
    Speak into the bowl and direct the sound to your girlfriend’s (or dog’s or cat’s ear) to whisper sweet nothings

  • Drucquers Banner