Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in.
The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." Lights flash and the gates open.
The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Puzzled, the nun is says, "Hmmm, that's a hard one." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
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Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
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Three nuns walk into a bar and asked for a bottle of brandy to go.
The bartender said, "I can't sell you brandy-- you're nuns!" The oldest nun said,
"It's alright, son. It's for medicinal purposes.
Mother Superior has constipation."
The bartender said, "Well, I guess it's alright then," and sold them a bottle of brandy.
A few hours later when he was closing the bar, he heard laughing and singing in the alley, so he went over to investigate. Lo and behold, there were the same three nuns -- drunk!
The bartender got angry.
"I thought you said that brandy was for Mother Superior's constipation!"
"Oh, it is," said the one nun.
"When she sees us...she's gonna shit!"
______________________________
Three nuns walked into a bar. The fourth one ducked.
______________________________
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit."
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Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay.
The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them.
A nun answered back, "Well, we could always eat one."
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Three nuns were sitting in a park. A flasher comes up to them.
The first nun had a stroke.
The second nun had a stroke.
The third nun wouldn't touch him.
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Three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day. On the way they would pass a house where a parrot lived. The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns would pass by. They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the colors of their respective underpants. They tried to fool the parrot by switching positions while walking and even wearing different colored underpants every day, but the parrot was never wrong. Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underpants at all. When they walked across the house the parrot spoke out loud, ''Straight, straight, curly.''
_______________________________
Three nuns went to a baseball game to cheer on the home team. Unfortunately, three boisterous, loud, drunk fans for the visiting team sit behind them.
The home team is winning, and the men are getting upset, kicking the nun's chairs, and getting even more annoyed since the nun's habits are blocking their view of the game.
The first drunk guy says out loud, "Ya know, I think I'm gonna move to Detroit! I hear they only have 50 nuns there!"
The second drunk guy sneers in a loud voice, "Oh, yeah? Well I'm gonna move to Alaska! I hear they only have 20 nuns there!"
The third drunk fan whines, "That's nothing! I'm moving to Las Vegas where they probably have only 3 or 4 nuns there!"
The three men laugh and kick the nun's seats, prompting the largest nun to turn around and yell at them,
"Why don't you all go to Hell! There are NO nuns there!"
The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." Lights flash and the gates open.
The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Puzzled, the nun is says, "Hmmm, that's a hard one." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
____________________________________________
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
________________________________
Three nuns walk into a bar and asked for a bottle of brandy to go.
The bartender said, "I can't sell you brandy-- you're nuns!" The oldest nun said,
"It's alright, son. It's for medicinal purposes.
Mother Superior has constipation."
The bartender said, "Well, I guess it's alright then," and sold them a bottle of brandy.
A few hours later when he was closing the bar, he heard laughing and singing in the alley, so he went over to investigate. Lo and behold, there were the same three nuns -- drunk!
The bartender got angry.
"I thought you said that brandy was for Mother Superior's constipation!"
"Oh, it is," said the one nun.
"When she sees us...she's gonna shit!"
______________________________
Three nuns walked into a bar. The fourth one ducked.
______________________________
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit."
_________________________________
Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay.
The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them.
A nun answered back, "Well, we could always eat one."
________________________________
Three nuns were sitting in a park. A flasher comes up to them.
The first nun had a stroke.
The second nun had a stroke.
The third nun wouldn't touch him.
________________________________
Three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day. On the way they would pass a house where a parrot lived. The parrot would call out three colors every time the nuns would pass by. They soon realized that the parrot was calling out the colors of their respective underpants. They tried to fool the parrot by switching positions while walking and even wearing different colored underpants every day, but the parrot was never wrong. Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underpants at all. When they walked across the house the parrot spoke out loud, ''Straight, straight, curly.''
_______________________________
Three nuns went to a baseball game to cheer on the home team. Unfortunately, three boisterous, loud, drunk fans for the visiting team sit behind them.
The home team is winning, and the men are getting upset, kicking the nun's chairs, and getting even more annoyed since the nun's habits are blocking their view of the game.
The first drunk guy says out loud, "Ya know, I think I'm gonna move to Detroit! I hear they only have 50 nuns there!"
The second drunk guy sneers in a loud voice, "Oh, yeah? Well I'm gonna move to Alaska! I hear they only have 20 nuns there!"
The third drunk fan whines, "That's nothing! I'm moving to Las Vegas where they probably have only 3 or 4 nuns there!"
The three men laugh and kick the nun's seats, prompting the largest nun to turn around and yell at them,
"Why don't you all go to Hell! There are NO nuns there!"
