The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

HA,HA. Good one gangster.

An oldie but a goodie.

I don't know if this fits the string exactly but here goes....
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other

-- that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's

empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

and for you Haiku lovers:
Out of a tree through which the typhoon whined,

Tumbled a monkey with a red behind.

A Priest, Rabbi, and Baptist minister were discussing their individual rapport with their congregations each bragging they were the best. Baptist minister says, only one way to solve this. We all go to the woods this week, find a black bear, and see how we can do converting him. All agreed that was a good test. Week later all met back at local diner and related: Priest said, I was very successful. Studied catechism with him, converted him, and coming for first communion next Sunday. Baptist minister said, I was also successful. Baptised Bear in the river and he is coming to Sunday School next Sunday. They looked over at the Rabbi lying there on a stretcher, bandaged, bleeding, and moaning. They said, my my Rabbi What happened. He replied, looking back on it I think I shouldn't have started with circumcision.

A Priest, Rabbi, and Baptist minister were discussing their individual rapport with their congregations each bragging they were the best. Baptist minister says, only one way to solve this. We all go to the woods this week, find a black bear, and see how we can do converting him. All agreed that was a good test. Week later all met back at local diner and related: Priest said, I was very successful. Studied catechism with him, converted him, and coming for first communion next Sunday. Baptist minister said, I was also successful. Baptised Bear in the river and he is coming to Sunday School next Sunday. They looked over at the Rabbi lying there on a stretcher, bandaged, bleeding, and moaning. They said, my my Rabbi What happened. He replied, looking back on it I think I shouldn't have started with circumcision.

Sorry that posted twice. new to the site and somehow hit post twice. Just read it once

Oh that hurt....