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The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

(473 posts)
  • Started 4 years ago by pipegangster
  • Latest reply from thesmokingtexan
  1. pipegangster

    pipegangster

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    I thought we should start a joke thread so one and all could share their favorite joke and brighten members day. I posted this thread "not safe for work" NSFW, because as all us adults know, jokes might be a tad risqué and I would not want anyone getting in trouble at work for opening this thread. With that ladies and gentlemen, I will get the ball rolling:

    Brrriiinggg the bell rings at the whore house
    A lady answers the door and there is a guy with no arms or legs and she says
    What do you think that your going to do here
    He says, "I rang the bell didn't I?!"

    LEGALIZE FREEDOM!
    Posted 4 years ago #
  2. sapo59

    sapo59

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    HA,HA. Good one gangster.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  3. python

    Bob

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    LOL

    "When the Government Fears the People, There is Liberty;
    When the People Fear the Government, There is Tyranny." - Thomas Jefferson
    Posted 4 years ago #
  4. pipegangster

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    A blonde, brunette and a red head are at the gynocologist. The brunette says "Im having a boy because I was on top." The red head says "well I'm having a girl because I was on the bottom." They both look over to the blonde and the blonde says "I guess I'm having a puppy."

    Posted 4 years ago #
  5. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    An oldie but a goodie.


    "Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put." Winston Churchill
    View Lawrence  Whitcomb's profile on LinkedIn
    Posted 4 years ago #
  6. pstlpkr

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    I don't know if this fits the string exactly but here goes....

    THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

    1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you has screwed up my life.

    2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
    That's why I always wake up screaming.

    3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    This describes everything you are not.

    4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
    But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

    5. I thought that I could love no other
    -- that is until I met your brother.

    6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
    empty and so is your head.

    7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
    But don't take that paper bag off your face.

    8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

    9. My love, you take my breath away.
    What have you stepped in to smell this way?

    10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
    Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

    11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.

    WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

    Posted 4 years ago #
  7. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    and for you Haiku lovers:

    Out of a tree through which the typhoon whined,
    Tumbled a monkey with a red behind.

    Posted 4 years ago #
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    lozark

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    A Priest, Rabbi, and Baptist minister were discussing their individual rapport with their congregations each bragging they were the best. Baptist minister says, only one way to solve this. We all go to the woods this week, find a black bear, and see how we can do converting him. All agreed that was a good test. Week later all met back at local diner and related: Priest said, I was very successful. Studied catechism with him, converted him, and coming for first communion next Sunday. Baptist minister said, I was also successful. Baptised Bear in the river and he is coming to Sunday School next Sunday. They looked over at the Rabbi lying there on a stretcher, bandaged, bleeding, and moaning. They said, my my Rabbi What happened. He replied, looking back on it I think I shouldn't have started with circumcision.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  9. pipegangster

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    What did one Dead Head say to the other Deah Head when they ran out of weed?

    Jesus, this band sucks.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  10. pipegangster

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    Did you hear about the blind gynocologist? He reads lips.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  11. pipegangster

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    A guy says to his friend "I can't remeber if the doctor told me if my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's". The guys friends says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she comes home, don't fu@# her."

    Posted 4 years ago #
  12. pipegangster

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    What's the difference between your wife and your job? After two years your job still sucks.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  13. pipegangster

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    A midget was missing so they put his face on a carton of half and half.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  14. pipegangster

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    A guy is weaving down the road when a cop pulls him over. The cop says "Hey pal your wife fell out of the car a few blocks back." The guys says "Thank God. I thought I went deaf."

    Posted 4 years ago #
  15. pipegangster

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    What do you call a Amish guy with his arm up a horses arse? A mechanic.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  16. pipegangster

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    Three blondes are in the woods. The first blonde says "These are deer tracks." The second blonde says "These are bear tracks." The third blonde says "No they are not. They are.....and they all get hit by the train.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  17. pipegangster

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    What did Davey Crockett say at the Alamo? "Where did all these landscapers come from?"

    Posted 4 years ago #
  18. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Oh that hurt....

    Posted 4 years ago #
  19. porshcigar

    porshcigar

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    A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

    The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

    "Yes I have," says the man.

    "And has she helped you make a decision?"

    "Yes" says the man.

    "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

    "We're getting granite counter tops."

    Posted 4 years ago #
  20. python

    Bob

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    Funny jokes guys! LOL

    Posted 4 years ago #
  21. dudleydipstick

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    Two young ladies were listening to 45's one day.

    The song on the A side was "Blue Eyes",

    The B side was "7 Stitches".

    One of the girls asks her friend where she bought the single and asks for the number of the music shop. Not reading the phone book closely, she dials S&S Mufflers instead of S&S Music.

    The mechanic answers the phone to...

    "Do you have Blue Eyes and 7 Stitches?

    To which he answers, "No, but I do have brown eyes and 7 inches."

    She asks, "Is that a record?"

    ..."No it's not, but it ain't too bad for a country boy."

    --------

    Paraphrased from an old groaner my Grandpa used to tell. Old school and analog.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  22. sapo59

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    WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD. (Don't try to hold it in 'cause this could result in a really bad out come.) I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "you're definitely going to shit yourself road-kill chili." Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement". Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S---, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny... 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left. Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  23. python

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    Sapo, that has to be one of the longest posts ever!

    But it was pretty funny, lol.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  24. cortezattic

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    Sapo,
    Uh, thanks for "sharing"?

    ( LOL )

    I find myself sitting idly on the line dividing past and future,
    as if I could kill time without injuring eternity. -- Thoreau
    Posted 4 years ago #
  25. mate

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    Beggars' Classic - from London

    Parvinder and Habib are beggars.. They beg in different areas of London

    Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

    Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
    lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

    Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
    you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

    Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

    Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

    Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3

    Habib says.. 'So what does your sign say'?

    Parvinder shows Habib his sign....

    It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '.

    The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -George Bernard Shaw
    Posted 4 years ago #
  26. mate

    mate

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    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

    The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

    I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

    But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

    'Not really,’ says the attorney.. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

    I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  27. mate

    mate

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    A young fella from Trinidad moves to Florida and goes to a big
    everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.

    The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

    The Trini says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Trinidad .'
    Well, the boss liked the young fella and decided to give him a job.
    'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
    After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers
    bought something from you today?'

    The Trini says, 'One.'

    The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
    customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

    The Trini says, '$101,237.65.'

    The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

    The Trini says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook.
    Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
    Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
    going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to
    need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a
    twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
    pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

    The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

    The Trini said 'No dred, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
    and I said,
    Boss, your weekend done spoil, you should go fishing.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  28. mate

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    A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

    The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks
    him, 'What's your IQ?'

    The man replies '150' and the robot proceeds to make conversation
    about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality,
    biochemistry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory,
    nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

    The customer is very impressed and thinks, 'This is really cool.'
    He decides to test the robot.

    He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another
    drink.
    Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and
    asks him, 'What's your IQ?'

    The man responds, 'about a 100.'

    Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
    baseball, supermodels, favourite fast foods, and guns

    Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
    one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,
    'What's your IQ?'

    The man replies, 'Er, 50, I think.'

    And the robot says... Real slowly......................................'So................ Yuh gonna vote for Obama again?'

    Posted 4 years ago #
  29. mate

    mate

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    During a company’s recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:

    "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

    When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

    Posted 4 years ago #
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    pipemaker

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    president Obama and the speaker of the house are in a life raft in the middle of the Atlantic who gets saved? A. Our Country

    Posted 4 years ago #
  31. mate

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    A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
    complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being
    held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

    She received back the following reply:

    National Defence Headquarters
    MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
    101 Colonel By Drive
    Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

    Canada

    Dear Concerned Citizen,

    Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
    treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian
    Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government
    and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan
    National Correctional System facilities.  Our administration takes
    these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear
    here in Ottawa .

    You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
    yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of
    National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for
    Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

    In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
    to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.  Your
    personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation
    under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. 
    Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
    cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
    letter of complaint.

    It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers..
    We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
    care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in
    your letter.

    Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
    sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will
    help
    him overcome these character flaws.  Perhaps you are correct in
    describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

    We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling. 
    Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
    and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
    nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these
    skills at your next yoga group.  He is also expert at making a wide
    variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may
    wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might
    offend him.

    Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
    sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.  This
    is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show
    violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
    code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.  I'm sure you
    will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just
    remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious
    beliefs' as described in your letter.

    Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
    you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
    fellow man.  You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.

    Good luck and God bless you.

    Cordially,
    Gordon O'Connor

    Minister of National Defence

    Posted 4 years ago #
  32. dudleydipstick

    dudleydipstick

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    What's eighteen inches long, purple, and guaranteed to make the ladies scream?........

    Crib death.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  33. mate

    mate

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    TO: dudleydipstick

    SUBJECT: Careful or they will start to blame us smokers for that too

    Posted 4 years ago #
  34. mate

    mate

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    Nicoderm

    Two priests are in a Vatican bathroomusing the urinals.

    One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

    He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

    The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.

    I'm down to two butts a day.'

    ***IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  35. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Well ... at least I won't have any trouble lighting my pipe.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  36. cobsandclays

    cobsandclays

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    In time for Easter:
    Q:What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
    A:It might take me a few minutes to get hard- I just got laid by some chick.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  37. mate

    mate

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    A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
    Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
    amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
    mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
    He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favour of it.

    The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that
    even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
    But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
    ahead and kick it up a notch.
    The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer..

    The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood
    pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

    At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably,
    the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain,
    and the husband had experienced none.
    She and her husband were ecstatic.

    When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  38. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    A Sailor went to the Orient and indulged in a lady of the evening.
    The next day, his Willy began to change colors.
    First it was red, then blue, then green, and continued to change colors every few minutes.
    He went to Sick Bay and the Doctor told him it was a rare Far Eastern venereal disease, and he would have to amputate it.
    He asked to have a second opinion, so another doctor gave him an examination.
    His Willy was still changing colors, but now it was striped, then plaid, the polka dots of all different colors.
    The second Doctor told him he would have to amputate.
    Then the Sailor realized it was an Eastern disease so he decided to go to an Eastern practitioner.
    The herbalist look carefully and said: "No... we do not have to amputate... fall off by itself...

    Posted 4 years ago #
  39. jcsoldit

    JC

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    OH HELL ... Let's Just Offend Everybody

    Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
    A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

    Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
    A. A different bar.

    Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
    A. Sum Ting Wong .

    Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A. A speech impediment.

    Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
    A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

    Q. Why do Driver's Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
    A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

    Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
    A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal ... along with a recipe.

    Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
    A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

    Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
    A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
    A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

    Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
    A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United
    States

    As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.
    Posted 4 years ago #
  40. jonesing

    jonesing

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    Good ones JC.

    Let's offend ourselves.

    How many pipe smokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    All of them

    1 to change the bulb while the rest discuss the exquisite curvature of the bulb's globe and whether the cast light will be reminiscent of sunrise on a foggy meadow or will rather bring to mind 12:00 noon sharp on cloudless day in the south of France.

    By the way I'm late to this party.

    Dudley: The crib death one is simply outstanding. Nice work.

    I won't see any communication directed to me here. I'm no longer active at this forum.
    Posted 4 years ago #
  41. unclearthur

    unclearthur

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    Then there is the Italian tire:
    Dago through mud.
    Dago through snow.
    Dago through rain.
    When dago flat dago wop wop wop.

    If at first you don't succeed you are running about average.
    Posted 4 years ago #
  42. jonesing

    jonesing

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    OK.

    Since we already offended everyone.

    A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street just as the Young Boys Academy is letting out.

    The priest casts his gaze at one particularly angelic looking little boy and says "Damn I'd sure like to screw him."

    The rabbi immediately asks "out of how much money?"

    Posted 4 years ago #
  43. dudleydipstick

    dudleydipstick

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    How do you get your dog to stop humping your leg?

    Roll him over and beat him off.

    Even with the way this thread has turned, I'm afraid to post about every joke I ever heard as a kid that wasn't about sex.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  44. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    What's twelve inches high and has a rubber on it?

    A Pitcher's mound.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  45. User has not uploaded an avatar

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    Why can women only have sex at 68 mph?

    Because at 69 they flip over and blow a rod!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  46. cortezattic

    Cortez

    A part of the problem since he ...
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    George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

    I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
    bring a friend...if you have one.

    Winston Churchill, in response

    Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second...if there is one.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  47. dunendain

    dunendain

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    Our immigration policy.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  48. raftergtex

    raftergtex

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    Well, if we are going to start in on Churchill quotes, this is the best:

    Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk, and what's more, you are disgustingly drunk.

    Churchill: Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  49. cobsandclays

    cobsandclays

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    Reminded me of PstlPkr, for obvious reasons and made me chuckle:

    Posted 4 years ago #
  50. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    I love it!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  51. User has not uploaded an avatar

    Anonymous

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    Cobs, So who is who?

    Posted 4 years ago #
  52. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Hey Phil.... I ain't no p...... kitty cat.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  53. cobsandclays

    cobsandclays

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    In order, the animation is Pstl, me, a new guy who found the pipe babes page, and the cat just found out that you can't have tobacco shipped into WA.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  54. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Just thought this was cool.

    Voted best illusion of 2010.

    Wooden Magnets

    Posted 4 years ago #
  55. jcsoldit

    JC

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    "Lifesavers" The Candy With The Little Hole

    Mrs. Smith wanted to test her theory that children began to identify the flavors of candy by their color:

    Red.....................Cherry

    Yellow..................Lemon

    Green...................Lime

    Orange ...............Orange

    Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

    The teacher said, I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother may sometimes call your Father.'

    One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and

    yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

    The teacher had to leave the room!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  56. wagnon85

    wagnon85

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    I saw this variation on a well-known nursery rhyme scribbled on the wall of the bathroom at Boy Scout camp almost 30 years ago, but it's still etched in my mind, so much so that when I am reading to my kids, sometimes I almost slip:

    Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
    To get her poor dog a bone
    But when she bent over
    Rover took over
    and Behold, he had a bone of his own

    Posted 4 years ago #
  57. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos

    Posted 4 years ago #
  58. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    I don't care how bad the economy is.
    If I had this job.... I'd quit.

    Posted 4 years ago #
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    Lawrence, I must comment on the Video first... I quit drinking like that 20 years ago...

    Now the photo... as long as you sit still your OK... They have a better chance of hitting you if your moving...

    Posted 4 years ago #
  60. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Things aren't always what they seem.

    I love optical illusions.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  61. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    This is a male sexist pig joke: (So naturally I had to share it.)

    A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
    The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two
    buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget
    about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just
    want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee
    time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have
    time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

    The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
    man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the
    pain."

    So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

    The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  62. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Since Photo's have been so popular recently, I decided to post some of my favorite pictures. Just some observations on society, education, technology, and smoking.

    Starting with Adobe Photo Shop..... and it's down hill from there.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  63. admin

    Kevin

    Smoking a Pipe Right Now
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    The Adobe Photo Shop was funny, but I lost it on the "hores" one and "can you hear me now?". LMFAO.

    Check Out Our - Pipes Podcast
    Posted 4 years ago #
  64. buck67

    buck67

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    Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
    The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied.
    The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
    The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

    Posted 4 years ago #
  65. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    How to Start a Fight

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.....

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And then the fight started......

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And then the fight started........

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
    kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
    split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
    And then the fight started...

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
    processed my Social Security application..
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
    And then the fight started...

    Posted 4 years ago #
  66. classicgeek

    classicgeek

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    Those are classics. Especially the eyesight one!

    Simon

    Posted 4 years ago #
  67. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Yup. Old... but funny.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  68. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Hollywood Squares:

    These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

    Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
    A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
    (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

    Q. Do female frogs croak?
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

    Q. When a man falls off a boat, you tell "Man overboard!" What do you yell if a woman falls overboard?
    A. Paul Lynde: Full speed ahead!!

    Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

    Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

    Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

    Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
    A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

    Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency....

    Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty....

    Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
    A.. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

    Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget..

    Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
    A.. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries Are you going to get any during the first year?
    A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

    Q.. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
    A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

    Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

    Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
    A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

    Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

    Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

    Q.. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
    A.. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

    Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
    A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

    Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
    A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

    Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
    A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
    A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

    Posted 4 years ago #
  69. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    http://www.naden.de/blog/bbvideo-bbpress-video-plugin -->

    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos

    Posted 4 years ago #
  70. buck67

    buck67

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    Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
    Hey, asked the brunette at the wheel, see any cops following us?
    The blonde turned around for a long look. As a matter of fact, I do.
    Oh, NOOOO! yelled the brunette. Are his flashers on?
    The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup......nope...yup..."

    Posted 4 years ago #

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