I ferment my tobacco for 73.6 hours in a warm dryer in a plastic bag with brown sugar and honey, then spread it exactly 16 centimeters on a plastic sheet encased in formaldehyde for 16.2 minutes, then TURN it using a two-inch spatula for good measure. Don't use the 1 1/2 inch spatulas because it won't cake properly on the plastic sheet. Now, add a SMALL amount of basil to an old Windex bottle and put boiling water into it drop by drop. Spray this lightly on the tobacco obtaining a thin resin. The resin can be scraped off with a knife and cooled. (Once the resin is in a glass jar you can also reheat it for the next process.) After obtaining the resin, mix a small amount of rubbing alcohol in a plastic container lined with Q-Tips. Then, lightly baste the resin in a counterclockwise manner with the rubbing-alcohol-soaked Q-Tip container and gently - GENTLY - rub the inside of your pipe bowl with your finger dipped TWICE in the reheated resin, and ONCE in the plastic container - creating a soft, almost turtle-skin like appearance. After that, leave the pipes alone in a fluorescent lightbulb-lit room for 36 hours or more - it has to dry to a fondant -like consistency which makes the cake more permeable. Smoke only latakia-based tobacco in the pipe for the next 13.5 smokes, and measure 1 1/18 of an inch off the top of the bowl each time in order to obtain a light, fluffy consistency - it will smell like almonds and cat dander. Now, after approximately 2 weeks, you are ready to sand the inside of the bowl with a 2.56 gauge sandpaper (available only at aircraft supply auctions) and the exact specifications for the bowl width on the edge of the stem are indicated on a chart found on page 73 of "The Corporate Reconstruction of American Capitalism". By playing the Beatles' song "Revolution 9" backwards you will hear an equation regarding the addition of a fine amount of perique to two ounces of 1980's Red Ribbon - cut this in HALF because the amount is slightly larger than you will need for an English pipe. If you're smoking an Italian pipe, then reverse the latakia process and divide by 226. The rest of the formula applies only to the 2/10 width of cake available on the side of the McClelland Wilderness can purchased at the 2009 pipe show from a Mr. Edwin K. Foglethorpe in the parking garage of the Marriott at exactly 0615 hours. In order to obtain it, you must leave 75 cents in 1974 Russian coins in an unmarked white envelope at the safe deposit box belonging to the third uncle of Norman Mayer, the individual who was responsible for holding the Washington Monument hostage in 1982 as an antinuclear protest. After smoking the pipe, dip it repeatedly in gasoline and place it in a fur-lined envelope for future research.