Dear Ted,
At last I see you have come to terms with your advancing middle years.
I hope you don't mind me saying, but your ill-fitting Fila tracksuit top and Diadora Borg Elite trainers, clash somewhat with your receding hairline and fulsome physique.
So, the tennis court look has been replaced by the Hampton Court look (we'll gloss over your Crown Court look Ted).
Trickers and Norfolk Tweed jacket. A sort of cross between style icon, Prince Charles and turkey twizzler, Bernard Matthews.
Bootiful Ted, but again, you let yourself down when you fished 20 Lambert & Butler and a disposable plastic lighter from the depth of your poacher's pocket. Had you been bedecked in Boater and Blazer, Ted, I may have suggested white filtered fags in a silver cigarette case, but as you were suitably attired for a Geography field trip, would a pipe not have been more apt?
Contrary to modern thinking, you don't have to be a looney lefty to smoke a pipe, although Joseph Stalin, Anthony Wedgewood-Benn and Harold Wilson do spring to mind. Read the complete works of Conan-Doyle, Ted and tell me that Sherlock Holmes (stylishly depicted on the Silver Screen by Basil Rathbone, replete in Deer Stalker & matching cape) didn't have conservative Victorian values.
Now here's the problem with the 'Sherlock' style pipe, Ted. During the summer I found myself at the crease, facing a swarthy gentleman of Asian appearance, who bowled a mean Doosra (the off spinner's version of the Googly) and after smashing his first delivery to the boundary for 4, I was out next ball, LBW. My dismissal wasn't, I fear, down to the bowler's technique or the rapidly deteriorating wicket, but my choice of pipe. To quote 50's crooners, The Platters, 'Smoke Gets In Your Eyes' and since I've been opening with a straighter stemmed pipe, my all round vision has improved, as have my batting figures. Take heed.
So Ted, you have your pipe, with or without a filter and now you need something to smoke. Your idea of a rough shag is different to mine Ted, so may I suggest an aromatic Black Cherry, Vanilla or Coffee blend (make sure you ask your tobacconist for pipe tobacco, Ted, as hand rolling tobacco offends the palate). I store my tobacco in a tin, but you may prefer a leather pouch (your choice of leather should complement both belt & brogue). Should your tobacco lose some of its moistness as it ages, a little tip is to rub a small amount of whisky or rum through it in your fingers.
Don't make the mistake of lighting your pipe with a Zippo, especially if you've just infused it with whisky, as I did, to my chagrin. It took several months for my eyebrows to grow back! No, the discerning pipe smoker will only ever use Swan Vesta, or should that be Swan Veste, as you will use many in you plight to light. The secret is in packing your 'bacci'. Pack it too loosely and you'll drag nothing but air, too tight and it'll be like sucking mahogany. Once you have it stoked and the plumes of white smoke have dissipated like the memory of a recently deceased Pope, you're away.
Enjoy...
As your tobacco burns sweeter with every puff you will need to repack the bowl and unless your thumb is made from asbestos, you will want the pipe smoker's equivalent of the Swiss Army knife. Along with the simple pipe cleaner, this will aid in the maintenance and aftercare of your pipe. You wouldn't want an excess of coke now, would you Ted? No Ted, coke, a fine carbon residue which builds up inside the pipe bowl. Sigh!
An ounce will set you back about a fiver, which sounds like good money going up in smoke, but pipe smoking bellows 'Style, Charm and Contentment' Ted, qualities you just can't buy.
Regards,
The Irascible Dandy
At last I see you have come to terms with your advancing middle years.
I hope you don't mind me saying, but your ill-fitting Fila tracksuit top and Diadora Borg Elite trainers, clash somewhat with your receding hairline and fulsome physique.
So, the tennis court look has been replaced by the Hampton Court look (we'll gloss over your Crown Court look Ted).
Trickers and Norfolk Tweed jacket. A sort of cross between style icon, Prince Charles and turkey twizzler, Bernard Matthews.
Bootiful Ted, but again, you let yourself down when you fished 20 Lambert & Butler and a disposable plastic lighter from the depth of your poacher's pocket. Had you been bedecked in Boater and Blazer, Ted, I may have suggested white filtered fags in a silver cigarette case, but as you were suitably attired for a Geography field trip, would a pipe not have been more apt?
Contrary to modern thinking, you don't have to be a looney lefty to smoke a pipe, although Joseph Stalin, Anthony Wedgewood-Benn and Harold Wilson do spring to mind. Read the complete works of Conan-Doyle, Ted and tell me that Sherlock Holmes (stylishly depicted on the Silver Screen by Basil Rathbone, replete in Deer Stalker & matching cape) didn't have conservative Victorian values.
Now here's the problem with the 'Sherlock' style pipe, Ted. During the summer I found myself at the crease, facing a swarthy gentleman of Asian appearance, who bowled a mean Doosra (the off spinner's version of the Googly) and after smashing his first delivery to the boundary for 4, I was out next ball, LBW. My dismissal wasn't, I fear, down to the bowler's technique or the rapidly deteriorating wicket, but my choice of pipe. To quote 50's crooners, The Platters, 'Smoke Gets In Your Eyes' and since I've been opening with a straighter stemmed pipe, my all round vision has improved, as have my batting figures. Take heed.
So Ted, you have your pipe, with or without a filter and now you need something to smoke. Your idea of a rough shag is different to mine Ted, so may I suggest an aromatic Black Cherry, Vanilla or Coffee blend (make sure you ask your tobacconist for pipe tobacco, Ted, as hand rolling tobacco offends the palate). I store my tobacco in a tin, but you may prefer a leather pouch (your choice of leather should complement both belt & brogue). Should your tobacco lose some of its moistness as it ages, a little tip is to rub a small amount of whisky or rum through it in your fingers.
Don't make the mistake of lighting your pipe with a Zippo, especially if you've just infused it with whisky, as I did, to my chagrin. It took several months for my eyebrows to grow back! No, the discerning pipe smoker will only ever use Swan Vesta, or should that be Swan Veste, as you will use many in you plight to light. The secret is in packing your 'bacci'. Pack it too loosely and you'll drag nothing but air, too tight and it'll be like sucking mahogany. Once you have it stoked and the plumes of white smoke have dissipated like the memory of a recently deceased Pope, you're away.
Enjoy...
As your tobacco burns sweeter with every puff you will need to repack the bowl and unless your thumb is made from asbestos, you will want the pipe smoker's equivalent of the Swiss Army knife. Along with the simple pipe cleaner, this will aid in the maintenance and aftercare of your pipe. You wouldn't want an excess of coke now, would you Ted? No Ted, coke, a fine carbon residue which builds up inside the pipe bowl. Sigh!
An ounce will set you back about a fiver, which sounds like good money going up in smoke, but pipe smoking bellows 'Style, Charm and Contentment' Ted, qualities you just can't buy.
Regards,
The Irascible Dandy
