FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
01 April 2014
100s of rats rescued from fed-funded ‘drive-by-smoking’ lab
PARODY UNIVERSITY, N.Y. – A joint investigation by the Briar Union of Latakia Lovers and the more clandestine Smokers Harmed through Informational Tyranny resulted in the arrest Tuesday of 17 federally funded researchers. The researchers were charged with animal abuse allegedly causing the death of an unreleased number of rats and emotional distress to hundreds of others. Those rats still living, though presumably in various stages of psychological conditioning, were confiscated during the BULL-SHIT raid and sent to veterinary care centers. BULL-SHIT spokesmen alleged that the researchers had been training rats to die at the sight of passing cars whose drivers were smoking tobacco.
Lead BULL-SHIT investigator Joseph Charlight said, “I can’t get the image out of my head. Projected on the wall, a passing car, its driver puffing smoke – the rats fell over dead, just like that. Damnedest thing.”
Charlight fumed, “Do you know what kind of government funds projects intent on killing little animals?”
“It’s all about revenue.” BULL-SHIT's Olive Syrian answered. “Do you know how much more they get to tax tobacco if they can prove the drive-by smoking connection? Anyone who can train rats to die on cue has a license to print money.”
Financial records taken as evidence from the facility allegedly show just how lucrative rat-death training is for the research institutions involved.
BULL-SHIT raider Virginia Perique said, “I’ve been biting my tongue a long time, but I’m so hot right now I can’t help it. Every time they come up with a new ‘hand,’all these research projects pop up to bolster new sin taxes.”
‘Sin tax’ is a colloquial term for the exorbitant taxation of products deemed politically incorrect.
The taxes are based on the promise of two mutually exclusive benefits: one, merciless taxation will discourage “sinners” from buying the non-PC products, weaning them off their sinful behavior; and two, the taxes will make scads of money in extra revenue for the government, which they can in turn spend proving more and more “hands of smoking.”
Labels such as firsthand, secondhand, third-hand, etc., distinguish degrees of separation relative to the person who actually smoked tobacco.
Perique asked, “What’s drive-by-smoking, like, the 20th hand by now?”
The raid on the drive-by-smoking rat-training facility was the latest in a series of BULL-SHIT activities reported by Breaking News since the April 2011 discovery of the federal “Men Who Smoke at Goats” research project.
01 April 2014
100s of rats rescued from fed-funded ‘drive-by-smoking’ lab
PARODY UNIVERSITY, N.Y. – A joint investigation by the Briar Union of Latakia Lovers and the more clandestine Smokers Harmed through Informational Tyranny resulted in the arrest Tuesday of 17 federally funded researchers. The researchers were charged with animal abuse allegedly causing the death of an unreleased number of rats and emotional distress to hundreds of others. Those rats still living, though presumably in various stages of psychological conditioning, were confiscated during the BULL-SHIT raid and sent to veterinary care centers. BULL-SHIT spokesmen alleged that the researchers had been training rats to die at the sight of passing cars whose drivers were smoking tobacco.
Lead BULL-SHIT investigator Joseph Charlight said, “I can’t get the image out of my head. Projected on the wall, a passing car, its driver puffing smoke – the rats fell over dead, just like that. Damnedest thing.”
Charlight fumed, “Do you know what kind of government funds projects intent on killing little animals?”
“It’s all about revenue.” BULL-SHIT's Olive Syrian answered. “Do you know how much more they get to tax tobacco if they can prove the drive-by smoking connection? Anyone who can train rats to die on cue has a license to print money.”
Financial records taken as evidence from the facility allegedly show just how lucrative rat-death training is for the research institutions involved.
BULL-SHIT raider Virginia Perique said, “I’ve been biting my tongue a long time, but I’m so hot right now I can’t help it. Every time they come up with a new ‘hand,’all these research projects pop up to bolster new sin taxes.”
‘Sin tax’ is a colloquial term for the exorbitant taxation of products deemed politically incorrect.
The taxes are based on the promise of two mutually exclusive benefits: one, merciless taxation will discourage “sinners” from buying the non-PC products, weaning them off their sinful behavior; and two, the taxes will make scads of money in extra revenue for the government, which they can in turn spend proving more and more “hands of smoking.”
Labels such as firsthand, secondhand, third-hand, etc., distinguish degrees of separation relative to the person who actually smoked tobacco.
Perique asked, “What’s drive-by-smoking, like, the 20th hand by now?”
The raid on the drive-by-smoking rat-training facility was the latest in a series of BULL-SHIT activities reported by Breaking News since the April 2011 discovery of the federal “Men Who Smoke at Goats” research project.
# # #
