An Ode To Mr. Samuel Gawith's '1792', with Apologies to Dr. Suess

[MisterBadger]

I am Sam. I am Sam. Sam-I-Am.

That Sam-I-Am! That Sam-I-Am!
I loathe your weed, O Sam-I-Am!

But would you like your pipe to cram,
With Seventeen-Ninety-Two, my man?

I would not like it, Sam-I-Am!
I'm not an aromatics man.
To tell the truth, I am not keen
To smoke that stinky Tonkin-bean.

Would you smoke it in the house?
- As much as I'd like a dead mouse!
I would not like it, Sam-I-Am!
Those rave reviews are just a sham!

Would you smoke it in the shed?
- No, nor standing on my head!
Would you smoke it in the barn?
No, Sir, nowhere on the farm!

It's weird as mint sauce on roast lamb -
I do not like it, Sam-I-Am!

Would you like it in a Meer?
- No, it would ghost the pipe, I fear.
Would you smoke it in a pot?
- No, Sam-I-Am, I'd rather not!

Would you, could you, in a Dublin?
- Not the way the dottle's bubblin'.
I hate the taste of gooey dottle -
It would drive me to the bottle!

Your advertising is a scam -
It's fire-retardant, Sam-I-Am!

Could you, in a squat tomato?
No! The dottle sounds vibrato!
How about it in a poker?
- No! You have got to be a joker!

Would you - could you - in a Lovat?
- That's the last thing I could covet!
Might you smoke it in a bent?
- Not as penance, during Lent.

Cease to persuade, O Sam-I-Am!
Shut your mouth up, like a clam!

Might you like it in a prince?
- No! The flavour makes me wince!
Would you, could you, in a clay?
- No, nor any other way!

Your sticky flake's not worth a damn -
So you can shove it, Sam-I-Am!
I can't like Seventeen-Ninety-Two -
No power on earth can make me do!

(To Be Continued. Possibly)

 

[MisterBadger]

An Ode To Mr. Samuel Gawith's 1972 Flake (Part the Second)

(Sam I-Am continues, undeterred by Mr. B.)

You do not like it - so you say -
Just try again, and then you may.

Sam, if you will let me be,
I'll give it one more go - we'll see.

(Mr. B. lights up again)

Say! Beneath that Tonkin-stink,
I taste an undertone, I think:
Something dank, and dark, and surly -
Could it be inferior Burley?

Yes! It's rather harsh and mucky -
What it is, is poor Kentucky.
Man! This weed gives me a pain -
The feckin' stuff's gone out again!

Just try Relight Twenty-Three -
You'll like it soon, I guarantee.

(Mr. B. lights up yet again)

Aha! Good Heavens! Bless my soul!
Right at the bottom of the bowl,
Fruity doughiness, like bread pudding
That sugar, salt and spice weren't put in...

And something else beneath the odour
Of Grandma's perfumed talcum-powder:
Vinegar, perhaps? Soy sauce?
Not soap - Tabasco! Yes, of course!

(To Be Concluded In Part Three To Follow)

 

[The Clay King]

I was smoking SG 1792 in my clay at the Battle of Nantwich re-enactment last January.

 

[elvishrunes]

. I assume he ends up liking it, as the original poem goes…

Just had a bowl of it not 4 hours ago sitting on my porch,

 

[MisterBadger]

. I assume he ends up liking it, as the original poem goes…

Just had a bowl of it not 4 hours ago sitting on my porch,

@elvishrunes - I have no idea yet. It's autobiographical
And yes, it does have that effect, doesn't it - four hours later and you feel as if you've just smoked it...