The call came at 4:00 AM.
You’d be surprised how often my phone rings in the middle of the night. Undoubtedly this is because my phone number is one digit off of 1-800-IMHORNY.
In any event, I answered the phone the way I usually do in the middle of the night: “Park Memorial Funeral Home here – you stab ‘em, and we slab ‘em.”
Someone with an affected English accent came on the line. “Hi Dean, Kevin Godbee here – by the way, what’s your handle on the forum again? Piperetard?”
“Well no, Mr Godbee, it’s actually Peckinpahhombre,” I responded indignantly.
“Jesus!” Kevin retorted. “That is way too long and complicated. You must know shit about marketing. How about calling yourself Peck or Pecker – something people can pronounce.”
“Er . . . Peck is fine” I replied, half asleep.
“Very good then. Pecker, are you sitting down?” he asked.
At that moment, I felt like replying: “Of course I’m not sitting down, Kevin. It’s four in the morning. I’m riding my unicycle in preparation for my performance in the Ringling Brothers Circus tomorrow.”
But that’s how a smartass would have responded, and I am no smartass. “Yes, I am sitting,” I replied.
“Great,” Kevin chimed back. “I was having a late-night swim with my coterie of ladyfriends in The Grotto at the pipesmagazine compound and I thought I should give you a call to congratulate you on reaching 5,000 posts on the forum.”
At that moment I was flush with pride and overcome with excitement. I felt a noticeable tightening of my sphincter that, up until that very moment, I had thought only occurred when I managed to locate an eight-ounce bag of my beloved Stonehaven.
“I am really glad you like my posts,” I said, proudly.
“Well, to be perfectly candid, Pecker, I don’t think I have really read many of your posts. Oh, I have looked at a few of the titles to your posts for the purpose of fixing your misguided approach to capitalization or to remind you about Rule Number 9, but that’s usually all that I read.”
I was devastated. But Kevin continued:
“To be candid, the few posts of yours that I have actually read I have found to be – hmmmm, what are the adjectives I am looking for - oh yes, petulant, pedantic, pusillanimous, and puerile. I just don’t have time to read your illiterate and thoughtless ramblings about pipes and tobacco, although I am confident they have captured the imaginations of pathetic losers everywhere.”
I was floored. “Well, if you don’t like my posts, why are you calling me?” I asked.
There was a long pause on the other end of the line, and then a response:
“It’s not the quality of your posts that matter, it is the quantity, and that’s why I am calling. I like you, Pecker, because you try to post every day and you don't waste time on accuracy or originality or coherence. And that is precisely how you managed to hit the magic 5,000 number. All the other posters could take a lesson from you. You have inspired an entire generation of pipe smokers to believe that they too can be experts on pipes and tobacco without knowing a single solitary thing about the subject. And for that you are to be commended. ”
And then the line went dead.
You’d be surprised how often my phone rings in the middle of the night. Undoubtedly this is because my phone number is one digit off of 1-800-IMHORNY.
In any event, I answered the phone the way I usually do in the middle of the night: “Park Memorial Funeral Home here – you stab ‘em, and we slab ‘em.”
Someone with an affected English accent came on the line. “Hi Dean, Kevin Godbee here – by the way, what’s your handle on the forum again? Piperetard?”
“Well no, Mr Godbee, it’s actually Peckinpahhombre,” I responded indignantly.
“Jesus!” Kevin retorted. “That is way too long and complicated. You must know shit about marketing. How about calling yourself Peck or Pecker – something people can pronounce.”
“Er . . . Peck is fine” I replied, half asleep.
“Very good then. Pecker, are you sitting down?” he asked.
At that moment, I felt like replying: “Of course I’m not sitting down, Kevin. It’s four in the morning. I’m riding my unicycle in preparation for my performance in the Ringling Brothers Circus tomorrow.”
But that’s how a smartass would have responded, and I am no smartass. “Yes, I am sitting,” I replied.
“Great,” Kevin chimed back. “I was having a late-night swim with my coterie of ladyfriends in The Grotto at the pipesmagazine compound and I thought I should give you a call to congratulate you on reaching 5,000 posts on the forum.”
At that moment I was flush with pride and overcome with excitement. I felt a noticeable tightening of my sphincter that, up until that very moment, I had thought only occurred when I managed to locate an eight-ounce bag of my beloved Stonehaven.
“I am really glad you like my posts,” I said, proudly.
“Well, to be perfectly candid, Pecker, I don’t think I have really read many of your posts. Oh, I have looked at a few of the titles to your posts for the purpose of fixing your misguided approach to capitalization or to remind you about Rule Number 9, but that’s usually all that I read.”
I was devastated. But Kevin continued:
“To be candid, the few posts of yours that I have actually read I have found to be – hmmmm, what are the adjectives I am looking for - oh yes, petulant, pedantic, pusillanimous, and puerile. I just don’t have time to read your illiterate and thoughtless ramblings about pipes and tobacco, although I am confident they have captured the imaginations of pathetic losers everywhere.”
I was floored. “Well, if you don’t like my posts, why are you calling me?” I asked.
There was a long pause on the other end of the line, and then a response:
“It’s not the quality of your posts that matter, it is the quantity, and that’s why I am calling. I like you, Pecker, because you try to post every day and you don't waste time on accuracy or originality or coherence. And that is precisely how you managed to hit the magic 5,000 number. All the other posters could take a lesson from you. You have inspired an entire generation of pipe smokers to believe that they too can be experts on pipes and tobacco without knowing a single solitary thing about the subject. And for that you are to be commended. ”
And then the line went dead.
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