Taking My Leave

[wyfbane]

Yes, but in another thread I posted today, there may be changes thanks entirely to an alert caretaker. Stop being the forum troll and do try to keep up.

Now now. Since you are mate shopping, you are clearly on the mend or mend-adjacent. It is not his fault if he missed that post. Be nice. lol

 

[spearheadbill]

Yes, but in another thread I posted today, there may be changes thanks entirely to an alert caretaker. Stop being the forum troll and do try to keep up.

Your little story is full of holes and just not that interesting. I get that you are probably lonely and all but there are better ways to get attention since that is what you seek. Seeing your act on the forums the past few years it's pretty obvious why your "wife" doesn't visit.

 

[Sobrbiker]

Curious as to who the "others" are

Familial, social, traditional, religious, etc expectations

and what standards they put on being a husband that would lead to your demise...?

Staying in dangerously dysfunctional relationships to the detriment of all involved and to the extent that the unreasonable becomes reasonable.

I’m glad many here cannot relate to the insanity that leads to murder/suicide, or what it takes to extricate oneself free of such. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but the reality is statistically evident and not getting better. There’s a reason the spouse is always the prime suspect until proven otherwise by law enforcement

That’s about all I’ll say on the matter, and only because you asked. If none of it makes any sense, consider yourself blessed.

 

[Waning Embers]

Now now. Since you are mate shopping, you are clearly on the mend or mend-adjacent. It is not his fault if he missed that post. Be nice. lol

I'm just trying to see hope where there wasn't any chance before.

 

[telescopes]

Familial, social, traditional, religious, etc expectations

Staying in dangerously dysfunctional relationships to the detriment of all involved and to the extent that the unreasonable becomes reasonable.

I’m glad many here cannot relate to the insanity that leads to murder/suicide, or what it takes to extricate oneself free of such. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but the reality is statistically evident and not getting better. There’s a reason the spouse is always the prime suspect until proven otherwise by law enforcement

That’s about all I’ll say on the matter, and only because you asked. If none of it makes any sense, consider yourself blessed.

True enough. But before one gets to that place, run, don’t walk.

 

[BingBong]

True enough. But before one gets to that place, run, don’t walk.

Easier said. I had months of pure misery a few years ago, trying to help a friend in trouble. She was hell bent on her own self destruction and nearly took me down too - eventually, I changed the locks and hasta la vista baby. Never again.

 

[geopiper]

Thank you, Duane.

 

[Sobrbiker]

True enough. But before one gets to that place, run, don’t walk.

Now I know, and that’s what I was talking about in the of mine that got questioned

 

[anotherbob]

Familial, social, traditional, religious, etc expectations

Staying in dangerously dysfunctional relationships to the detriment of all involved and to the extent that the unreasonable becomes reasonable.

Doing the right thing is not always clear cut. It's weird morality is simple and straight forward, but ethics is complicated and has a whole field of study. Morally one should stand by ones promises and respect their spouses or lovers, but sometimes respect them involves things like being honest that you're better off without them.
You know another theory and practice issue. In theory it's so clear, in practice there are so many little bits of reality that interfere or at least complicate things.

I’m glad many here cannot relate to the insanity that leads to murder/suicide, or what it takes to extricate oneself free of such. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but the reality is statistically evident and not getting better. There’s a reason the spouse is always the prime suspect until proven otherwise by law enforcement

That’s about all I’ll say on the matter, and only because you asked. If none of it makes any sense, consider yourself blessed.

 

[anotherbob]

I'm just trying to see hope where there wasn't any chance before.

The only thing I got to say is I would wish everyone could be happy. But also that often times when people can't remember why a relationship didn't work in the past and try again, they find out why it didn't work.
Either because they find themselves with the same problems as before, or because they end up seeing what's different this time.

 

[burleyboy75]

I'm a new member here and, Embers, I don't really know you. Many seem to respect you very much, though. I wish you well and hope things turn out for you.

As far as marriage goes, I just can't see a valid reason to exit but for some sort of exigent circumstances like violence, severe deception, abuse, or some type of danger. To me, this commitment is for life. I certainly don't want to speak for anyone on this forum, but some people I have encountered seem to feel they are entitled to happiness and feel the urge to turn away when things get difficult, when the "magic" is lost in a relationship, or they don't feel as good as they once did.

Entering marriage doesn't guarantee happiness. Ideally, two people should ride off into the sunset, eating ice cream and laughing. Most of the time, though, shit happens. There are bad times and people change. I think, however, just as things can sour, we have to hold hope that they could just as quickly/slowly swing back in the other direction.

FWIW, I have been married almost 20 years. We have four children. My wife is a saint, but even still, we have a lot of rocky times/ups and downs. I am also a Christian, so there are religious layers to my thoughts.

Again, I can't speak for anyone here specifically, but this is just something I have noticed. Also, again, I hope things work out for you, both for your health and your happiness.

 

[Waning Embers]

Your little story is full of holes and just not that interesting. I get that you are probably lonely and all but there are better ways to get attention since that is what you seek. Seeing your act on the forums the past few years it's pretty obvious why your "wife" doesn't visit.

Thank you for proving my point.

 

[anotherbob]

I'm a new member here and, Embers, I don't really know you. Many seem to respect you very much, though. I wish you well and hope things turn out for you.

As far as marriage goes, I just can't see a valid reason to exit but for some sort of exigent circumstances like violence, severe deception, abuse, or some type of danger. To me, this commitment is life.

I disagree. If someone isn't happy and not in a fickle way but truly not happy it's better to just admit the mistake or change and move on. I know personally for example if my girlfriend (almost 26 years, in a way we're more married then people with paper work) knew she wasn't happy with me I'd feel diserviced by her staying just because she said she'd always be there and always love me and sees us dying of old age together. In a way staying with someone because of abstract duty is almost a type of violence or deception. Maybe more subtle but it's literally giving up on two peoples fullfillment and happiness. Which is half way to dead. Or that's my opinion. It's important to live ones own life as well as you can and to do what you see as the right thing.

I certainly don't want to speak for anyone on this forum, but some people I have encountered seem to feel they are entitled to happiness and feel the urge to turn away when things get difficult, when the "magic" is lost in a relationship, or they don't feel as good as they once did.

And what's the point in staying in that situation? I've always told people who get dumped that they're in a better situation because they have hope. They have more room for improvement. And if "you" want to move on just because things are tricky or difficult, well there is the door probably not the best person to be in a long term relationship with anyways.
I've also met people that think if you marry a psychopath who lied and now puts your life, health, and sanity in danger you should stay and try to fix the impossible. That seems psychotic. It also paints God as having zero flexibility and very anti muligans in golf or life. In my opinion in those cases a person married a fiction and not the person.

Entering marriage doesn't guarantee happiness. Ideally, two people should ride off into the sunset, eating ice cream and laughing. Most of the time, though, shit happens. There are bad times and people change. I think, however, just as things can sour, we have to hold hope that they could just as quickly/slowly swing back in the other direction.

FWIW, I have been married almost 20 years. We have four children. My wife is a saint, but even still, we have a lot of rocky times/ups and downs. I am also a Christian, so there are religious layers to my thoughts.

It is never easy. Living that closely with another person is always going to have issues. What kills me are people who get married with the intention of moving on latter. Like it's their life but I still think they're doing it wrong. At the least people should take it seriously enough to expect complications and unexpected turns.

Again, I can't speak for anyone here specifically, but this is just something I have noticed. Also, again, I hope things work out for you, both for your health and your happiness.

At the end it's certain each persons life to live and their soul to tend.

 

[spearheadbill]

I'm a new member here and, Embers, I don't really know you. Many seem to respect you very much, though. I wish you well and hope things turn out for you.

As far as marriage goes, I just can't see a valid reason to exit but for some sort of exigent circumstances like violence, severe deception, abuse, or some type of danger. To me, this commitment is life. I certainly don't want to speak for anyone on this forum, but some people I have encountered seem to feel they are entitled to happiness and feel the urge to turn away when things get difficult, when the "magic" is lost in a relationship, or they don't feel as good as they once did.

Entering marriage doesn't guarantee happiness. Ideally, two people should ride off into the sunset, eating ice cream and laughing. Most of the time, though, shit happens. There are bad times and people change. I think, however, just as things can sour, we have to hold hope that they could just as quickly/slowly swing back in the other direction.

FWIW, I have been married almost 20 years. We have four children. My wife is a saint, but even still, we have a lot of rocky times/ups and downs. I am also a Christian, so there are religious layers to my thoughts.

Again, I can't speak for anyone here specifically, but this is just something I have noticed. Also, again, I hope things work out for you, both for your health and your happiness.

Thank you! Marriage is a sacred covenant with God that nobody, no man, not even the 2 joined together can separate. What we have mostly and unfortunately is people shacking up with a legal contract to be broken at any whim. But if there is no real foundation of love, not emotional “love” that is fleeting but actual sacrificial love it’s all built on sand. But thanks for sharing burleyboy my brother in Christ!

 

[burleyboy75]

I disagree. If someone isn't happy and not in a fickle way but truly not happy it's better to just admit the mistake or change and move on. I know personally for example if my girlfriend (almost 26 years, in a way we're more married then people with paper work) knew she wasn't happy with me I'd feel diserviced by her staying just because she said she'd always be there and always love me and sees us dying of old age together. In a way staying with someone because of abstract duty is almost a type of violence or deception. Maybe more subtle but it's literally giving up on two peoples fullfillment and happiness. Which is half way to dead. Or that's my opinion. It's important to live ones own life as well as you can and to do what you see as the right thing.

And what's the point in staying in that situation? I've always told people who get dumped that they're in a better situation because they have hope. They have more room for improvement. And if "you" want to move on just because things are tricky or difficult, well there is the door probably not the best person to be in a long term relationship with anyways.
I've also met people that think if you marry a psychopath who lied and now puts your life, health, and sanity in danger you should stay and try to fix the impossible. That seems psychotic. It also paints God as having zero flexibility and very anti muligans in golf or life. In my opinion in those cases a person married a fiction and not the person.

It is never easy. Living that closely with another person is always going to have issues. What kills me are people who get married with the intention of moving on latter. Like it's their life but I still think they're doing it wrong. At the least people should take it seriously enough to expect complications and unexpected turns.

At the end it's certain each persons life to live and their soul to tend.

Thank you for your reply! Good stuff. You always seem quite level-headed to me in general, and I appreciate it.

To me, "abstract duty" isn't a good way to describe a marriage. To me, it's a concrete, sacramental, covenantal bond. A promise we enter for life, regardless of circumstances, as evidenced in marriage vows. This sums up why to stay and why we should hold hope-that just as things can change for the bad, they can also change for the good. We can have hope that our present situation can better without completely abandoning it, just as we can have hope entering a completely new situation.

I agree with you about the valid ends of a marriage and the importance of entering into it with the proper mindset.

 

[Smokeybandit]

Mental abuse is real. I felt like a ghost in my previous marriage.

From Gordon Lightfoots song, If you could read my mind...

“If you could read my mind, love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
'Bout a ghost from a wishin' well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
You know that ghost is me
And I will never be set free
As long as I'm a ghost, you can't see”

 

[dd57chevy]

True enough. But before one gets to that place, run, don’t walk.

Absolutely !To go on a semi-tangent here , I have had many talks with a friend who is a retired prison guard . He says , most people think that all murderers are Bundy/Dahmer/Richard Speck types . Not true .

Some are evil , but a lot of them simply over -reacted to extreme provocation/psychological abuse .

Get away from them !

 

[burleyboy75]

Thank you! Marriage is a sacred covenant with God that nobody, no man, not even the 2 joined together can separate. What we have mostly and unfortunately is people shacking up with a legal contract to be broken at any whim. But if there is no real foundation of love, not emotional “love” that is fleeting but actual sacrificial love it’s all built on sand. But thanks for sharing burleyboy my brother in Christ!

While you were posting this, I was describing marriage in a very similar way (covenantal, sacramental aspects). We are on the same wavelength for sure. Thank you for your kind words and happy new year brother!

 

[spearheadbill]

Thank you for proving my point.

So much hot air we all hope you have lead in your shoes. Many aren’t saying this to you for whatever reasons but I’m not alone in seeing through your farce.

 

[ziv]

I think too many are quick to judge another person without even having the slightest idea of what's going on with them.
Also, I wish more people could live by the old truism "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".