It Ain’t Easy Being Keen: The Top Ten Problems Faced By Pipe Hobbyists
-
Kevin Godbee - Feb 17, 2014
- 7 min read
E. Roberts
Kermit the Frog may seem the unlikeliest of inspirations for an article about the pipe-smoking hobby, but bear with me here. Though Kermit is more of a cigar aficionado than a pipeman…err, pipefrog…he is just the sort of sentimental, soft-spoken character that illustrates the best qualities of our ilk. He’s also very much the sensitive, heart-on-his-sleeve type, not wholly unlike myself, and as I ponder the problems we pipemen, pipewomen and pipefrogs face in these troubled times, I take my inspiration from Kermit’s seminal Top 40 hit, It’s Not Easy Bein’ Green:
It’s not easy bein’ green
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things
And people tend to pass you over ’cause you’re
Not standin’ out like flashy sparkles on the water
Or stars in the sky…
Pipe hobbyists do indeed tend to get passed over in the Grand Scheme of Things. We’re admittedly a bit of an anachronism in this fast-paced, instant gratification world. Most of us (*Gary B. Schrier excepted) do not, in fact, stand out like flashy sparkles on the water; we’re the quiet men (and women, and frogs) in the background, pensive and somewhat sedentary. But surely this doesn’t mean we don’t have a bone to pick with The Way Things Are! In fact, I was able to come up with ten particular predicaments that often weigh heavily on my mind, starting with…
1 – Getting lumped in with cigarette smokers. We’re here for the enjoyment, relaxation and flavor, thank you very much. The ever-tightening noose around our personal liberty is a cannon aimed at cigarette smokers, which unfortunately targets us proximally. Increased taxation, unfair social segregation, and outright stigmatization of smoking have pushed this once noble hobby to a practically underground status from which it is only now beginning to recover. Thank goodness for the old guard keeping the smoking lamp lit, and tally-ho to the new wave of pipe smokers resurrecting the passion for pipes, our own Fearless Leader Kevin Godbee chief among them. Which leads us to the trouble of…
Two of the flashiest pipemen around, Kevin and Gary.
2 – Being branded as either an “old fart” or a “hipster”. As a by-product of the crusades against tobacco, it’s been a couple decades since smoking a pipe was an everyman, everyday sort of pastime. If there’s ample grey in your hair, you’re automatically perceived as a grandfatherly relic of a bygone era; conversely, if you’re young enough to have never known a world without email, then surely a pipe is just an affectation chosen to complete your stylistic presentation of self. Why there is no allowance for the epicurean pursuits in gentlemen and women (and frogs) of any age, nation or creed is beyond me. My knee-jerk reaction is to let this sort of broad generalization really get my dander up, shake my fist and yell at the kids out on my lawn, but I must recall that I’m a pipeman; a calmer, gentler soul, one given to contemplation rather than revolution. Still, it makes me mad when…
3 – Folks ask what kind of drugs I have in my pipe (with a knowing wink). It makes me even madder that my stock answer of, “the legal kind” isn’t as conclusive as it used to be. Nothing against other forms of recreational inebriation—but it’s the assumption that makes an ass out of you and…well, just you. Maintaining equanimity and ever the optimist, I try to take these opportunities to educate people about the joys of a delicately aged Virginia flake or creamy Balkan blend, about the many beneficial aspects of moderate tobacco consumption, and about how to make informed decisions based on objective truths. Unfortunately, this tack is on shaky ground when…
4 – Trying to explain how good a Lat-bomb tastes when it smells like I’m forcibly cremating a wet sheepdog that happens to be wearing my old work boots. “No, really, it’s much milder than it smells. Lots of subtle, spicy hints and layers upon layers of complexity. Mm-mmm, this is some tasty stuff; you should really try it! Hey, are you all right? Can I get you a glass of water? Are you sure you just want to lie down on the floor like that? MEDIC!” Okay, okay, so I exaggerate a bit. But so do those…
Gosh I miss the old Balkan Sobranie…
5 – Fake coughers. You know the ones—they alight gaily from a city bus, paying no mind to the diesel spewing in their faces or the plastic candy wrapper they’ve just tossed in the street as they step nonchalantly over a bum, but as soon as they see the cloud of smoke issuing from your lips they turn a practiced shade of green, fix the stink eye squarely around your solar plexus (they’ll never look you directly in the eye), and cover their snouts like they’re about to run the Fukushima Dai-ichi 100-meter dash. And cough. “Ahehk, hehk". Wimpy little coughs that are as barbed as the disapproving scowl of a Chihuahua. If only second-hand smoke would kill them instantly, as they’ve been led to believe…. But then that would take away the challenge of…
6 – Trying to convince women that smelling like their grandfather is sexy. Please don’t take that as an entirely sexist statement; however, women who smoke pipes are so cool that they really don’t have to do any convincing, so it’s mainly a man’s problem. The trick here, gentlemen on the prowl, is to stick with sweet aromatic blends when out and about smoking in mixed company. A solid aromatic turns heads and puts smiles on people’s faces. If she mentions that you remind her of dear old granddad, then offer to sit her on your lap and tell her a story in your suavest Hugh Hefner voice. Just be careful not to be…
7 – Burning holes in your clothes. I know, I know; here I am arguing in favor of the elegance and refinement of pipe smokers, and I have to fess up to one of our (quite literally) dirty little secrets. But really, it’s practically impossible to prevent the occasional stray ember from popping out and landing on your new silk tie, space-age polyester and spandex blend thermal base layer, or technical performance cycling shorts. Good old 100% cotton is your best defense, the thicker the better. And forget it if you burn the lady sitting on your lap; there’s really no advice I can offer you for that, other than running as fast as you can. The only thing more difficult is…
8 – Trying to explain the conditions of PAD and TAD to the missus. It’s time the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders added these two entries to their next edition, if only so we in the pipe community can have some leverage in our next domestic dispute. To anyone so afflicted, Pipe and Tobacco Acquisition Disorders are serious plights. Who among us has not had their sleep precluded due to the visions of vintage Dunhills dancing in their heads? Who among us has not had to engage in some “creative accountancy” to explain away the mortgage payment missed in favor of buying out the entire last shipment of Penzance? In an age when all our personal responsibilities have been coerced, cajoled or otherwise legislated away from us, why should we too not share in the satisfaction that these are disorders before which we are powerless? Why wonder, when I’m still trying to figure out the logistics of…
9 – Living longer than non-smokers. “Death rates for current pipe smokers were little if at all higher than for non-smokers, even with men smoking 10 pipefuls per day and with men who had smoked pipes for more than 30 years…Pipe smokers who inhale live as long as nonsmokers and pipe smokers that don’t inhale live longer than non-smokers.” Granted, that’s from the 1964 Surgeon General’s report, before Everyone in America realized that the tobacco companies weren’t playing fair and decided to crucify them for the next century and ban smoking everywhere. Ultimately it means we just have to put up with the antis longer than they have to put up with us. But that’s still not nearly as bad as…
10 – Middleton’s Cherry Blend. Good god, how can I explain this one away? I try to be fair, always looking on the bright side of the leaf for the silver lining. This stuff is a crime, though, a crime against humanity (and frogs). I don’t care that it’s still one of the top-selling tobaccos of the last hundred years; it’s hellfire and brimstone in a pouch, and is probably responsible for more attrition from the ranks of pipe smokers than cancer, the cigar boom and Sherlock Holmes switching to the patch combined. Strange days indeed.
Yes, these are the things I wonder about when left to my own devices, in between reviewing tobacco blends for PipesMagazine.com. But why wonder? Be big like the ocean, or important like a mountain, or tall like a tree—a pipe smoker is what I want to be.
Mr. Subliminal’s Review of Middleton’s Cherry Blend Link
[HTML1]
Written by Kevin Godbee
21 Responses
Recent Posts
Soon now, supposedly, our neighborhoods will shift from grinning pumpkins, skeletons in various assortments, and zombies dashing about to pretty reindeer, angels, and flashing lights illuminating homes with sparkling stars and laughing, scurrying Santas. But, lest we forget, there is the turkey season, fancy pie aromas wafting from kitchens, and a national pardon of a big Tom Turkey. Remember, now, that only one of these holiday personalities is a pipe smoker. And that is the hefty, bearded fellow in a bright red suit sitting in a sleigh with a herd of deer hitched up and ready to streak across the globe, bringing tidings of joy and many presents. Ok, the scene is set for the next couple of months, right? So, before we get too far off the beaten path, let’s just take a deep breath of fresh autumn air, shall we? Ahh. That’s better, isn’t it? What’s got the Pundit in a snit is not all the Halloween spooks who came a-jostling for candy. Or the wild turkeys gobbling in the backwoods or all the fuss and feathers over the big one—Christmas. No, it is that we might need to take note of all the little things that mean so much to us. Like a good sunrise (seriously, Pundit has not gone all Pollyanna.) Mayhaps we need to appreciate more of what we have than what we have not. Or something like that. Like, a good pipe in the morning with coffee as the dawn brings us coolish weather now that we have flipped the calendar to autumn. But it also brings beautiful leaves that have become a spectacle of technicolor in the wind. It is the little things. The rereading of an enjoyable book and finding something you did not see or learn in the first go-round. Or a stunning phrase you commit to memory with the re-read, while smoking that favorite pipe. And you notice a superior puff that just seems to be different. It’s in the air and the seasons of meaningful little things. It’s aromatic! Or perhaps it is that sense of satisfaction knowing and appreciating you made it to another day. With the world in a kind of rinse-and-repeat history, reminiscent of a Shakespearean play, it is perhaps a good moment to remember some of Pipedom’s philosophers whose cogent thoughts brought light to clear a path in the mists of confusion and confounding opinions. Ok. No gloom and doom. Just some down-home thoughts. Think of times in the past when history was running off the rails. It took our pipe-smoking thinkers (the mind workers of the world) to speak of better pathways to more light. Think for a moment, with a pipe in hand, these wizards of the world and word: Albert Einstein, J. R.R. Tolkien, Mark Twain, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Edwin Hubble, Bertrand Russell, C. S. Lewis, and Jean-Paul Sartre. All learned and enlightened. They offered wisdom instead of storms of meaningless roads to nowhere. All while smoking their pipes! Maybe especially with the help of their pipes in the art of thinking and philosophy. Recall the words of Mr. E=MC2 when he said, “I believe that pipe smoking contributes to a somewhat calm and objective judgment in all human affairs.” Amen and amen! Dealing with world-rattling events takes a calm and objective view of things, to the Pundit’s way of summing it up. You just don’t go messing around with quantum physics without a calm and objective approach, methinks. Or as the extraordinary physicist Robert Oppenheimer said after he and a team in the Manhattan Project at Los Alamos Labs developed a way to split atoms into bombs during World War II. “I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds,” said Oppenheimer referring to the development of the first nuclear bombs dropped on Japan. It must be pointed out that Oppenheimer was more of a cigarette smoker than a pipe smoker. Nonetheless, pipes were part of his personality. Now, if you have read some of the great authors of the past and present, their pipes were always nearby. Reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle can be a three-pipe problem at times. S. Lewis and Jean-Paul Sartre require time with your pipes to reflect on the existential problems and solutions these authors provide in learned novels and other narratives. Or take Edwin Hubble and Bertrand Russell, philosophers of another world. Pipes are required for reading. The quantum lode of ideas Pundit is attempting to sort out is that our pipes are relaxing and stimulate our thoughts and creativity. Especially in these last months of the year. Many times Pundit has had that light bulb flick on while smoking my beloved pipes. And friends in Pipedom, it ain’t easy to turn on the lights in Pundit’s rock pit head. Now it’s time for a quote from a Pipe Smoker of the Past. Shelby Foote was born Nov. 17, 1916, in Greenville, Miss., and died June 27, 2005, in Memphis, Tenn. A fact is not a truth until you love it—Shelby Foote. A parting thought: It is said that famed Southern author William Faulkner carried a packed pipe in a coat pocket wherever he went. That’s one effective way to deal with workday conflicts and confusion. A calm and objective judgment in our everyday human affairs, as the quantum man said.
Welcome to The Pipes Magazine Radio Show Episode 633. Our featured guest tonight is Jon David Cole. JD is the Owner/Tobacconist at The Country Squire in Jackson, MS, and the accompanying online store. We’ll have JD and Brian talking about what’s new at the store and in the business in general. At the top of the show, Brian will discuss tobacco growing, what happens to the leaf, and provide updated information on where tobacco is being gown today. Tobacco production originated in the United States and we were once the #1 producer. It’s quite different now.
Well there’s nothing like a touch of the plague to usher in the changing season. Leaving the airport just when the first advertisements for all things pumpkin spice began to appear—lattes, muffins, shampoos, trash bags, and myriad other concoctions—so, too, my ability to breathe freely disappeared. The unfortunate side effect of losing one’s sense of taste and smell for weeks is the utter inability to enjoy tobacco. Not that I consider myself an expert on anything but my own tastes, but be forewarned that this review was made with mildly impugned sensory equipment. Just when a comforting pipe was most needed, its comfort was denied. Be that as it may, the road to recovery found me limping along on one lung this past month, trying to wrest the particulars of two blends on offer from Sutliff: the latest 175th Anniversary blend, Silver Quarter, as well as their spooky seasonal Maple Shadows II. Silver Quarter is a new style on offer from Sutliff, their first coin-cut blend. Naturally a Virginia-Perique, it is enhanced with a traditional core of black Cavendish. In the tin it holds much promise, with a lightly bready and very woody, if ever-so-slightly sour, aroma. After some time acclimating to air, the bouquet softens further and offers hints of the burley with some chocolaty notes wafting through the more dominant dry grassy aspect. The tin art is of a coin-style bas-relief bust, presumably of a founding Sutliff brother, à la The Old Boss On the reverse of the tin we find the blend’s description: Reflecting on Sutliffs 175 years of tobacco excellence, we came across a brand that embodies true value, SILVER QUARTER. This name pays homage to Sutliffs roots, the legacy of two brothers who popularized pipe smoking in the burgeoning mining society of San Francisco. We celebrate this heritage with a coin cut composed of the finest African Virginias, complemented by a core of Perique and Black Cavendish. The tin notes are, forgive the pun, on the nose for a good VaPer blend: mild tart sweetness peeking out from behind dried hay and slight chocolate undertones, with a lightly tannic finish of weathered oak. It is always a joy to prepare a coin cut, my preference being to put a few in my palm and vigorously warm my hands together to fully break them apart. These well-formed discs pack and light easily, and smoke with little prodding to the end of the bowl. For technical points it scores well—it smokes light, and it’s easy to tend the ember. While it gets sharp after a few quick bowls, pacing should be heeded to easily smoke down to the heel without inviting bite. Of the flavor, though, I am left a bit wanting. There are tart and high notes aplenty, but very little of the lemony citrus I would anticipate, as well as scant midtones; they tend more toward the red wine-vinegary and sour. The flavors are muted, also, lacking the sweetness and piquancy of other marques—the small measure of Perique tickles the nose now and again with peppery hints, and there is a smidge of a deeper sweetness to be found in the Cavendish from puff to puff, but overall it lacks some dynamism. The Virginias, to my palate, come off a bit on the dry side, and here they dominate the blend. The aftertaste and mouthfeel are neutral, again evincing more of the dry, woody, tartly tannic end of the spectrum. The blend has plenty of polish, but not enough depth or richness (*yet) to make it a standout. Here, comparisons are inevitable: Luxury Bullseye Flake has more sweetness, both from its Virginia as well as its Cavendish, and a better finish; Davidoff is similar but with a pronounced umami that is absent here; as for Escudo, I haven’t had any fresh tins lately so it would be unfair to compare. While it rates as a solid, fairly mild smoke, particularly to lovers of the genre, it does not surprise with any exceptional flavors. To be fair, all the boxes have been checked for the blend to benefit from some real aging, and it would be worth checking in on this after a couple of years sealed away. I’ve set half my tin aside to sample again in a month or two, in case I’m merely suffering from the lingering effects of parosmia, and will amend this review in that case. Maple Shadows II, on the other hand, made up for the weeks of sniffling and sneezing I’d endured. Offered in a full 8 ounce tin with delightfully spooky Halloween art, it’s (hopefully) enough to last through the season. Somehow I had missed this last year, so it’s a real pleasure to get some in my candy bucket this year. As the chilling winds of autumn draw eerie prattle from contorted, deciduous limbs, we find ourselves possessed by the spirit of the season. Bewitched by a dissonant charm, we’ve created Maple Shadows. In a season that is defined by the unlikely harmony of treats and frights, we’ve joined the enchanting sweetness of maple with the earthy spice of Dark Fired Kentucky for a smoking experience that captures the senses with an otherworldly fusion of flavor. This may be the best aromatic blend Sutliff’s ever made—and they make a ton of them. First off, it’s not overbearing in the least—quite the opposite, it is also one of the more restrained aromatics they’ve ever made, with a clear but very light topping that melds oh-so-well with their choice Kentucky added to the mix. Opening the tin, the sweet maple is up front and center, but so too is the must of fallen leaves, bready pie crusts, and a crackling fire in the hearth—a perfect invocation of Herbstdüfte in a can. Packing best in an open and capacious bowl, the flavoring is subtle, and recedes to the background while puffing. With a sweet coffee or tea to accompany, the aftertaste of the maple is reinvigorated on the palate […]
Welcome to The Pipes Magazine Radio Show Episode 632. Our featured guest on tonight’s show is the host of the Pipe & Tamper Podcast, Mike Murphy. Brian and Mike will have an extended chat revolving around the days before, during and after the Las Vegas International Pipe Show. We will hear about their travels to the show and the anxiety of Hurricane Milton bearing down on Florida at the same time while running a show and not knowing if your house is going to be there when you get home. In the end, the show went great and our homes survived, although many others in Florida were not so lucky. We’ll have clips from the show, and shoutouts to other podcasts and vlogs that were broadcasting from the pipe show.
Vegas Baby The show started out strong on the 14th floor hospitality suites hosted by the Vegas Pipe Show and Smoking Pipes as well as room hopping to carvers, estate sellers, and vendors to pre-game for the festivities. If you’re interested in what that looks like I’ll refer you to last years pipe show round up. I circled with Brian Levine to get the totals in comparison to last year: This year’s show numbers: 108 Exhibitor tables, 445 attendees, 3,250 Raffle Tickets, 100ish dinners, 172 Rooms in the Hotel. Last year, by comparison, 107 exhibitor tables, 425 attendees, 2,200 raffle tickets, 104 dinners, and 175 rooms on Friday and Saturday nights. We were at capacity, basically, when it came to vendor tables and the dinner, so there is no physical room for growth at this point except for attendees. That said, we filled that smoking lounge to the brim. New Carvers Spotlight Garret Woo (Pipes by Woo) How long have you been carving? Garret: I’ve been carving since 2021, and I’m guessing your next question is probably how’d you get started carving? James: Yes. Garret: In 2021 I took a break from my full time job – that included machining and assembly work and I thought maybe it was time I made something that I would like and I started looking at youtube and Instagram and putting together my shop. I did struggle on the stems to start and there was a lot of failure at the beginning. James: How many pipes have you made so far? Garret: I number my pipes, so I just finished up 186. James: What is your favorite shape you’ve been making? Garret: I really dig Canadians and pipes with longer shanks and lovat Canadian blends. I like to play with different shapes of stems on the longer shanked pipes. The billiard would be my go-to shape but I want to learn more techniques on freehanded shapes. I like to put brass and copper adornments on my pipes with my machining background it helps. James: What is the craziest thing you’ve seen at this show? Garret: The first thing that comes to mind is the table over there with C-Pipes with the shapes and the size and petiteness and the intricate details they did. You can check out what Garret is working on by going to his Instagram. Stefan Cashwell James: how long have you been carving? Stefan: about 3 years. James: What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen at the show? Stefan: The Adam Davidson pipe with the clear shape and the bamboo—I don’t know if it’s 3D printed or what, but it’s amazing. James: What’s your favorite shape to do? Stefan: That’s a tough question. I think they’re all the same shape, but what’s fascinating is that Dublin, volcano, and blowfish are all the same depending on how you turn them. Playing with that, with all its variations, is a lot of fun. My favorite accent to use is also horn; it’s finicky, but it’s a great accent on pipes. You can check out Stefan’s work on his Instagram. Science: Meet Pipes I chatted with Chris from the San Diego Pipe Club; he started off doing stem replacements for estate pipes but also improved the airflow. James: How are you doing 3d printing? What is the thought process? Chris: It’s a 3D-printed pipe with a briar insert. The design is a calabash meets a Peterson system meets a metal Falcon/Kirsten radiator style. It is a bottom draft smoking bowl like a radiator like those metal pipes. The inside chamber is a calabash. The stummel and accent rings in the stems are all 3d printed. The insert is briar, olive wood, or I have the potential to use meerschaum as well. This idea came about through the San Diego Pipe Club, wanting to see if we could 3D print a pipe and being curious about the technology; I have a printer and design ability, so here we are. James: What’s the type of plastic you’re using? Chris: It’s all PLA plastic, a renewable potato starch plastic that is food-safe. The stummels are printed with a plastic that has wood in it 40% wood fiber, bamboo, rosewood, ebony, redwood, and walnut are the woods I’m printing. For the accent rings I just got a new material that I’m printing that has 40% copper, so its real metal that you can sand, and polish the same as wood filament. The stems are 3d printed as well. The concept is renewable and cheap from a production standpoint, with the ability to make a very high quality smoking pipe based on the experience. By combining the calabash system pipe and bottom draft hole and using 3d simulations to see airflow, I can see where I’m having eddies and ripples in my current, and see where my moisture and all the particles are dropping back out from a vapor to a liquid. Most people who have tried these say the stems are clean, and they don’t even have to run a pipe cleaner afterward because everything collects at the bottom. Chris has also been experimenting with color-changing plastics so you can see the hotspots. Chris said he was able to use this to slow down his cadence, which, of course, could mean you could get a slow-smoke training pipe to teach yourself to perform better. If you’re interested in learning more or want to check one out, you can contact him on Instagram: Copper Beard Pipe Works The Negative Space The show was buzzing about one specific pipe, which had everyone guessing how it was made. I chatted with Adam Davidson briefly about it. James: How did this idea come to fruition? Adam Davidson: Smokingpipes.com had an expo back in August open to all of the makers they carry. The theme was to make a pipe utilizing bamboo. Given that the last time we had the expo I made a smooth Almond with three bamboo shanks, […]
Welcome to The Pipes Magazine Radio Show Episode 631. Our featured interview on tonight’s show is with pipe maker Dan Keller from Good Made Better. Dan is from South Dakota. Growing up working in the family hardware store where he was always finding solutions to fixing things, he ended up always wanting to make things. He now makes elegant handmade pens, pen holders, portable desks, blotters, blotting paper, book carry cases, and of course artisan pipes. At the top of the show we are continuing the virtual tour of Brian’s pipes with his “f#@k you pipes”.
great article…loved it
The existential moment of the pipe smoker. Really witty and well observed.
Laughed at item 10!
Great read.
Best column ever. Hilarious. Laughed my whole way through it, and I was on the subway, so it was a bit embarrassing. Well played.
Laughed out loud more than once reading this. Great write up.
Fantastic article! Loved the humor throughout!
Laugh and smirked as I did in this essay, number 8 brought it home for me. It may not be the mortgage payment, but when my wife sees the tobacco shelves filling up and I try to tell her ‘I’m cutting back’-Well, it just doesn’t jive
Once again, nicely done
Entertaining, well written, and nicely illustrated article! Always a pleasure to see your by-line on the home page.
WONDERFUL!!
AMEN!
All truth. As a relatively new pipe smoker, no 8 is becoming apparent daily.
As always, an insightful and entertaining article. I always look forward to these 🙂
Glad I seem to have struck the funnybone of a few of you. Please feel free to add your own trials and tribulations to the list, in case there are any I missed.
Just great….thanks.
Too true indeed. I also HATE being called “Popeye” all the time.
I prefer to smoke my pipe in solitude because I also hate having everyone come up to me and ask about it like they’ve never seen a pipe before and ask the same million questions then ask me “if they can have a hit”
NO, I wont share!
🙂
I definitely have PAD and TAD.
This was a great article very entertaining.
People really call you Popeye? Ah-guk-guk-guk-guk! 😀
This was great! As a young guy on a college campus, I get a good majority of this. But, hey.. They’re missing out!
Exactly, Sam!
Love this read.