Views from Older Gents on Sex, Love, and Relationships in the 21st Century

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sablebrush52

The Bard Of Barlings
Jun 15, 2013
19,632
44,863
Southern Oregon
jrs457.wixsite.com
EDIT: Fixed Capitalization in Title (See Rule 9)

I was looking for some wisdom from older men to a somewhat younger guy like myself on what you make of love and sex in today's craz (ier) world?
How it differs from when you were younger etc
The reason I ask is now that I'm approaching consistent point in my manhood - I'd like some various opinions
I've never met the right gal and now it seems even more difficult to even get into whatever exists of a 'dating' scene
People have been belittling me for years for not being married - as if there is something wrong with me - Orson Welles once mentioned the days of 'happy uncles and normalcy in being a bachelor'
But as you know(at least for me) us men have our needs and I'd like to find some kind of consistency with another person
As for love I still believe in it - call me a romantic - But I am not completely against the idea of casual encounters and sex as a part of life if I address it directly. I always assumed that even in marriage as a man grows old the sex becomes secondary albeit a focal point of the
'dirty old man'
what do y'all think? Feel free to vent/deviate
Well, we could start with the fact that you decided to ask a bunch of strangers on a virtual forum for life advice, or that you assumed that age brings wisdom. hooooboy...

Age does offer a few of us some perspective. Wisdom? Seriously?

So here goes, because it's easy for me to give advice. It's easy for anyone to give advice. Doesn't mean the advice is worth anything.

Why do people belittle you for not being married? Is it belittlement, or does it just feel that way? Do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself that you don't live up to which result in low self esteem? Besides, what business is it of theirs? Why care?

Marriages can be wonderful, but most of them are not. Happy marriages are in the minority and many people stay married for financial reasons. Divorce is expensive. You might be dodging a bullet. Other people might be trying to persuade you to get married so that you will be as miserable as they are. Tell them to stuff it.

Still want more sage wisdom from a virtual stranger? Read on.

I've been married twice. You might think that once would be enough of a lesson, but I'm a romantical sort of cynic, so I tried it again. BTW, I'm still very good friends with both wives, and I can count on either of them in an emergency as they can me. But the experience taught me that marriage isn't for me, and if the stats are true, it isn't for most people. Half the country admits to cheating on the other half. My ex's and I all get along MUCH better separated than we did married. We like our space.

Advice on what kind of a woman to look for is completely and utterly useless. Only you can figure it out through experience. Attraction is different for everyone.

Personally, I'm attracted to intelligence and wit over looks. It's not that looks don't matter at all, but their importance diminishes quickly when not accompanied by a mind. Other people are into body parts.

I suppose that honesty is the best policy. If you are one of the few that actually believes in it, honesty tends to inhibit you from engaging in activities that you're ashamed to admit to. Or it offers you tremendous freedom by being honest and open about your "quirks". If you like to strip naked and dance around a mulberry bush at midnight during a full moon and are open about it, the chances are you'll eliminate incompatible candidates and find kindred spirits more easily.

Years ago I tried online dating. I decided to be honest about my inner gonzo. No bullshit about moonlit walks on the beach, or any of that. So I wrote a very frank portrait of myself, posted it, and forgot about it. The response was unbelievable. Women were contacting me about being so honest and they wanted to meet me. The dates were fun, even when we both realized that it was a one timer. And one turned into a relationship that went for 6 years. We're still friends.

I think it worked so well because I just relaxed and went with it, rather than trying. What was it Yoda said, "There is no try!".

Still looking for insights from a virtual codger? I just quoted a rod puppet.

Sex can be great fun. I've enjoyed literally bed breaking, furniture toppling, neighbors pounding on the walls sex and enjoyed every bit of it. And I've enjoyed very quiet sweet and tender sex. Nothing wrong with it as long as both parties, or all parties if that's your thing, enjoy it.

TMI? Don't ask questions like this.

It's tough to meet people in the middle of a pandemic, so your options may be limited for the foreseeable future, or you may find creative ways to meet people while practicing social distancing. Or you may decide a roll in the hay is worth the risk to you and others in contact with you. It's all up to you.

Two more things from the virtual codger.

No relationship has a ghost of a chance for long term happiness if you're not friends first and foremost.

The importance of liking your partner is often underappreciated.


So, that's it. If you have any questions regarding Barlings I'm happy to help.
 
May 2, 2020
4,664
23,771
Louisiana
Little girls talk earlier than boys, are often more fluent in speech into adulthood, have a much more developed sense of social interactions and are generally much less hung up on rules and hierarchy. So you have to make a point of keeping up and keeping them company. Their much greater social maneuverability and understanding make them much better at knowing what is going on within a group, at work or at a party for examples. Talking to your wife after a social event is like gaining binocular vision and discovering what the hell was going on that you totally missed. Don't be offended; it is very informative. And people compliment me on being an intense observer ... yeah, for a guy.
Funny, but very true.
 

Moonbog

Starting to Get Obsessed
Feb 22, 2020
121
309
56
I'm in my 50s now and never been married. I've had my ups and downs with relationships for sure. Was engaged in my early 20s and bailed on the relationship after 4 years because I couldn't see myself married to that particular woman even though I loved her. I think I stayed with her as long as I did because the sex was a powerful inducement to stick around. But as others may have mentioned, you can't base a long term relationship solely on that. Good sex isn't reason enough, nor is love reason enough. You really have to enjoy the person's company. A lot!!

If you fight all the time, bail. If she drives you crazy, bail. If you drive her crazy, bail. If she cheated on you, bail and on and on and on. You don't need any of those headaches. And neither does she.

I then spent the next 15 years tom catting around, i.e. the casual sex phase of my life. I didn't intend it to be, but as you said a man has needs. There were some I was head over heels in love with, but that was not reciprocated and vice versa where someone would totally love me and I was not feeling it. It happens.

If you find yourself in this phase of life, let me introduce you to the concept of refresh rate. Move somewhere with lots of single women. A small city will do with lots of young professionals or recent college grads. And then just be yourself. Talk to as many women as will talk to you. Something will develop. Could be good, could be bad. Keep at it.

Imagine refresh rate as the tide coming in and going back out. Every cycle brings new opportunities and washes away the stench of your previous failures. You will fail a lot. But you don't want one bad relationship poisoning future opportunity. Women talk and they're not always honest and can sometimes be vindictive. It's hard to judge ahead of time exactly what your getting yourself into. Dating can be a nightmare, but that's no reason to settle for less.

Small towns have no refresh rate. One bad relationship can just screw everything up. But cities give you more than a fighting chance to experience success to go along with failure and no one cares about your failures in a city. Everybody is in the same boat after all. Again just be yourself. Know who you are and enjoy who you are. Don't feel down in the dumps, don't let all your friends getting married and having kids while your single get you down in the dumps. Their relationship has nothing to do with you. Keep growing as a human being, have as much fun as you can etc. etc. Enjoy life.

At 40 I found the woman I've been with for the last 13 years. We're happy. We don't fight. We enjoy each others company and we are each others' best friends. There's trust and understanding. Good humor and genuine respect. We've spent almost every hour of this pandemic together for going on 5 months and we're still not sick of each other. That would simply not be the case were I with anyone else.

As far as all my friends who got married early and had kids and such by the time they were 30. They're all long divorced and on their second or third marriages or dead. Well, there are a few exceptions to that. I do have friends who were high school sweethearts who are still together and seemingly happy as ever after almost 40 years. That don't happen too often. After all life ain't a storybook. Anyway, you'll figure it out. We all do. Or die trying.

How's that for a rant? Good luck pal.
 

mngslvs

Starting to Get Obsessed
Jan 24, 2019
256
530
Yarmouth, Maine
1) nice face
2)personality
3)great tits
4)sense of humor
5)sanity
6)money
7)fabulous sex

You're highly unlikely to find all in one. Personally, I'd prioritize 4 and 5. Most of all, just simply, do you like them. That sounds obvious, but you have to spend enough time to make sure, because 1, 3, 6, and 7 might fade.
Having dated four score and seven, or theresabouts, women in my time, I could go on, but you've doubtless had more than enough commentary at this point.
 

kola

Lifer
Apr 1, 2014
1,485
2,339
Colorado Rockies, Cripple Creek region
You want free advice, never co mingle funds in any account. Make the bitch sign a pre nup, don't get divorced in Florida they don't honor the term one time buy out and they believe in life time alimony.
Also remember the hotter the chick the crazier they are, and the more self centered they are. I have extensive knowledge with hot blondes and they are all crazy and selfish bitches. At least with red heads you get crazy but they are freaks in the sack. If I had it to do over again, I would have gone the foreign route and found someone who was just damn glad to be here.

Oh yea one more thing. If you see it coming eventually 5 years or more put your businesses and house in trusts so the forensic accountants cant touch them, fuck em.


Perfect. ^^^^

And I strongly agree on foreign women over North American women as well. 99% of American women will run a good man into the ground.
 

condorlover1

Lifer
Dec 22, 2013
7,997
26,617
New York
My late Father gave me some advice when I turned 21 which went something like this......

"If you are going to marry the girl examine the Mother first since that is what you will have have in 20 years time. Secondly makes sure she is intelligent since when the looks fade you will have something interesting to talk to about something or other. Finally do not get married young. Up to forty sex is free. After forty you either pay for it or tell a good story and remember masturbation is cheaper than the property settlement in a divorce".

My Father was a wise but very cynical man!
 

hawky454

Lifer
Feb 11, 2016
5,338
10,220
Austin, TX
My late Father gave me some advice when I turned 21 which went something like this......

"If you are going to marry the girl examine the Mother first since that is what you will have have in 20 years time. Secondly makes sure she is intelligent since when the looks fade you will have something interesting to talk to about something or other. Finally do not get married young. Up to forty sex is free. After forty you either pay for it or tell a good story and remember masturbation is cheaper than the property settlement in a divorce".

My Father was a wise but very cynical man!
Wise indeed! :LOL:
 

davek

Part of the Furniture Now
Mar 20, 2014
685
952
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest tits.
 

Sloopjohnbee

Lifer
May 12, 2019
1,291
2,288
Atlantic Coast USA
I didn't expect to get such thorough and even poetic responses - that's why I absolutely love this forum and it's members - of all the boards I've ever contributed to this is by far the best I've seen online in over 25 years.
 
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mawnansmiff

Lifer
Oct 14, 2015
7,385
7,295
Sunny Cornwall, UK.
Something I learned in later life, and wish I'd thought about years ago when the hormones were raging was one needs to think about what one can bring to a relationship and not so much of what can one get out of a relationship.

Sadly this fact oftentimes comes too late for many folks. Myself, I have given all I ever had over the years and have nothing left in reserve, but I'm quite reconciled to that fact and am a reasonably happy bachelor. Though I never married I have two lovely daughters (separate mothers) and five lovely grand daughters.

Regards,

Jay.?
 
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