The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

Log in

SmokingPipes.com Updates

New Cigars




PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

Status
Not open for further replies.

davek

Part of the Furniture Now
Mar 20, 2014
685
952
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.
“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.
“What did he say?” asked the man.
He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

 

brian64

Lifer
Jan 31, 2011
9,603
14,669
Dave, that's hilarious. Seems like not a day goes by without stuff on the forum making me think of something from Seinfeld:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvSOgB-JPy0

 
Jan 8, 2013
7,493
733
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

 

bluto

Part of the Furniture Now
Aug 24, 2018
737
8
An old guy goes to see the doctor and says , ‘ doc , every morning at 7 , I pee like a horse ‘
Doc says yah ..
Old guy says , ‘ then every morning at 8 , I crap like a cow ‘
Doc says , ok , so what’s the problem ?
Old guy says , ‘ well , I don’t get out of bed till 9 ‘.

 
  • Haha
Reactions: litup

bluto

Part of the Furniture Now
Aug 24, 2018
737
8
What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman ?
..
Snowballs

 

bluto

Part of the Furniture Now
Aug 24, 2018
737
8
Any lawyers on here ?
My BIL is a lawyer and he told me this one
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit ?
..
The bucket

 
  • Haha
Reactions: litup

piper64

Starting to Get Obsessed
Jul 21, 2018
284
0
Northern Ireland
Guy sees his friend with two black eyes...what happened he says..seenus his friend replies. .oh you mean sinus he corrects..no his friend says seenus her husband seenus :rofl:

 

f5rd2hy

Starting to Get Obsessed
Jun 24, 2017
139
227
NV
Two men and one woman apply for a job with the CIA. During the interview, they tell the first man before they go any further, he must complete one task before they can accept him. They give him a gun and tell him his wife is in the next room. He must go in there and shoot her. He immediately refuses and they tell him he failed the test.

Second man is told the same thing, he takes the gun and goes into the room and much later comes out crying, he says he just can't do it. So they dismiss him.

The woman is told her husband is in the next room and given the same instructions. She takes the gun and goes into the room. Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, then all sorts of noises come out of the room. Crash, screaming and banging against the wall. Finally she emerges. She tells the interviewers, that dadgum gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with a chair.
 

f5rd2hy

Starting to Get Obsessed
Jun 24, 2017
139
227
NV
A Irish couple, an English couple, and a Polish couple go out to dinner. The Irish husband says to his wife pass the honey, honey. The English man says to his wife pass the sugar, sweety. The polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife pass the bacon you fat fecking pig.
 

f5rd2hy

Starting to Get Obsessed
Jun 24, 2017
139
227
NV
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office oomph of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would like to portray, as long as they were very famous.

Well, started Stallone, I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.

Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano. said Willis. I'll play him.

I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes, said Segal. I'd like to play him.

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. Sounds splendid. Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, Who do you want to be, Arnold? So Arnold said I'll be Bach.
 

f5rd2hy

Starting to Get Obsessed
Jun 24, 2017
139
227
NV
A police chief was receiving an award. Next - the conference emcee announced - We have the chief of the State Police, Roger Smith, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly.

The chief took his place at the lectern. I’m a little nervous. Getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her.
 

f5rd2hy

Starting to Get Obsessed
Jun 24, 2017
139
227
NV
A little white rabbit escaped from a Laboratory Animal Test Facility and soon found several wild rabbits feeding on a cabbage patch at a nearby market garden. The wild rabbits were very friendly and welcomed him to join them, which he did.

They chatted and after a big feed of cabbage leaves he was full. He thanked his new friends and told them he’d best get back. The wild rabbits were baffled. You only just escaped. Why would you want to go back?

I’m dying for a smoke.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.