PAD Vaudeville

[mso489]

Two guys were peeing off a bridge, so one guy, bragging about his endowment, said, "Boy, that water's cold." And his friend says, "Yeah, and deep." Ka-dong.

 

[mayfair70]

My wife and I only smoke our pipes after sex. I have a bowl almost every month. She's up to five a day. badum pum

 

[mso489]

... presented to you by the comedy team of Cosmic and MSO with guest appearances by fishnbanjo and mayfair ... back after a brief intermission ...

 

[mayfair70]

I bought a used car and found my wife's pipe in the back seat.

 

[mayfair70]

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful pipe and you can keep the golf clubs and fresh air.

 

[mayfair70]

I went to the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm worried pipe smoking will affect my longevity."

He said, "I wouldn't worry about it. You'll live to be 60 years old."

I said, "I AM 60 years old."

He said, "See, I told you."

 

[mso489]

A man went into a discount suit outlet and got measured and came back for the suit. It didn't seem to fit him just right, but the salesman showed him how, if he pulled one arm up a certain way, cocked his leg another way, and kept his left shoulder shrugged, the suit was a perfect fit ... perfect. So the man went ahead and accepted the suit, and the next Sunday he put it on to wear it the first time to church. On the way in, he met two of his friends, and he remembered how to position himself so the suit fit just right. The three had a cheerful conversation, and then the man went on into church. The two friends looked at each other. "It's a shame to see our good old friend all twisted up with arthritis like that," he said shaking his head. The other guy sighed. "Yeah, it's sad. But didn't that suit fit him good."

 

[mso489]

Looks like this thread is winding down. One more from me, then maybe more from others?
This is from Jim Harrison, but not the writer, the Georgia painter, who repeated it from an account from a friend:
A minister was at the point in the service where the children were called forward for a story. He wanted to elicit some participations so he prompted the kids. "What is that furry little creature that runs up and down the trees and buries acorns in the fall?" The kids only squirmed. "You know, the one with the bushy tail that chatters at us." A four-year-old finally raised his hand and hesitantly said: "I know we're supposed to say Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."