On Being a ‘Gentle Man’

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12pups

Lifer
Feb 9, 2014
1,063
2
Minnesota
I really like reading about umbrella etiquette and how to go out dressed to the nines with bowler and gloves. When I was an English teacher, it would have been an acceptable affectation, too. I didn’t quite go that far back then, but it was attractive to me. And still is. But as a rural Iowan, from a long line of Midwestern farmers and blue collar trades, not so easy to wear.
Even what I do now. I showed up to interview for my current position, a coveted seat as senior writer of a communications firm specializing in the construction and mining industry, in a brand new three-piece suit. I hit it off really well with the firm’s owner, who looked up at me when I thanked him and shook his hand before leaving to say only, “You’ll never wear that suit again.”
So I have to work through a little bit of internal conflict.
I routinely interview millionaires, not solely of giant energy conglomerates but the brilliant men and women who made it happen, then turned it over to the corporations in handsome buyouts. I attend parties and stay in venues that were beyond conception to me as a teacher. And I marvel at my hosts and their clients, how they learned to live this life. Yet, I don't want to join it. Not really. It’s not a fit for me.
I don’t wear this leather cap for style. I have the leather cap to keep pipe smoke out of my thick hair, one of the fortunate traits of my bloodline. Other manly traits I didn’t carry off so well, but I am an heir to them anyway.
The men in my family, my role models, were self-effacing, simple, hard working men with calloused hands and weathered faces. They said little. They smiled a lot. They chuckled more than laughed but would occasionally laugh loud about themselves when ribbed. No one outside the family, I think, knew them this way.
They milked the cows which were on antibiotics separate from the dairy herd, by hand. They walked with slop buckets through the muck in rubber boots past their knees. And they sat around the table after supper, knowing better than to pass up what they knew could not be permanent. They didn’t miss any family time. The crowd of us there. Always. They lived as if they were dying and did not waste emotion on what the government demanded in taxes or the grocer needed for food. Enjoy each other now.
When I take the pipe I have selected as a gift for my Uncle Donny to him, I’ll be bonding further with him, reinforcing the connection we let go for so long. The false light and then the tamping and true light, will be welcome as yet another opportunity to be kin to each other.
I can see it as a vision. I am manipulating things to make it reality. I’ll keep it simple. I teach him to sip the cool smoke and savor it, to ease back then and become the world’s observer, silent as old men taking their break. Two gray-white men on seats on the back porch. Masculine, yet nurturing to sisters, children, cousins and aunts and friends. Rural yet refined. The smoking will subside to conversation. And when I’m not hanging on each word of his, the way he speaks them in his quiet voice, the sparkle in his eye and his inner calm, relishing what life we have together yet (having learned my lesson with Grampa and Gramma gone, Dad and Mom gone, so many family members deceiving me into believing they’d always be here)… when I’m not memorizing his words and manner…. I’ll contribute my own, now finally old enough to have something worth contributing a little.
I am aware of a class system among pipe smokers. It’s been bothering me. It’s why I’m writing now. The construction contractor at his truck puffing as he rereads specifications from his prints. The professor with pipe in hand, simmering, as he corrects papers. The finely dressed woman with pipe in mouth feeling eyes on her, tripping up preconceptions. The old lady in a wooden rocker on her weathered-wood porch in eastern Kentucky. The college student amusing himself with dense billowing clouds in front of friends. All of them, a different class of smoker without their own blogs and articles how to “be them.”
This anticipation I’m feeling for the moment I present this pipe to my uncle and that first smoke we’ll have together…
I finally feel it’s no less noble than any other class. No matter what we wear or how we speak, there is an elegance about the pipe that transcends class distinctions. (Even though we don’t see blogs or articles about each one.)
I’ve worked it through now. I’ve gotten what I set out to do. All things seem right to me now. I won’t have a silk smoking jacket in a den of an estate. I’ll probably never wear a three-piece suit again until they lay me to rest. I won’t wear gloves unless it's an OSHA requirement. I won't carry a crook-handled umbrella from my arm. Interested as I am in how to be a gentleman, I just don’t see that happening to a man like me. That part doesn’t fit me.
But I am a pipe smoker. And it is itself a mighty fine class to belong to.
Check the membership roster. Nod to the finely dressed man who is being who he is, and knuckle-bump the 20-something sucking cotton-candy from his pipe and blowing it from his lips like a child blowing bubbles.
It’s time. I’ll give my uncle his pipe, and he and I together will join you here, celebrating the art of being gentle men, and women.
Pups

 

layinpipe

Lifer
Feb 28, 2014
1,025
8
Wow, very nice piece, pups. I can see you are quite good at your job. I agree whole heartedly with the message presented here. Our differences are what make us the same and at the end of the day, we are still all people. Cheers!

 

voorhees

Lifer
May 30, 2012
3,834
937
Gonadistan
Very nice 12pups, I feel the same. While I love the articles about gentlemanly attributes, the gloves, an umbrella, a nice suit, etc....I am mostly a casual guy that smokes a pipe. Not a single bit of upper class air here. Try as I might, my job and environment dictates a more dressed down wardrobe.

And it also boils down to money really and I never have enough of that anyway.

 

pipetraveler

Might Stick Around
Feb 20, 2014
58
0
So very true 12pups, throughout the day we may wear many hats, the one we remove at days end is usually our true self. Whoever be the person holding the pipe we must consider the contemplative thoughts we aquire through all we say and do. As they say The World Is But A Stage, all of us are actors in one way or another. Take care 12pups, Dave. (Pipetraveler)

 

aquilas

Starting to Get Obsessed
Dec 3, 2013
212
1
Very nice, Pups!
To be honest, I would have started pipe smoking way earlier, but I was always convinced that it was only for the fancy schmucks with money, of which I was neither of both. Shoot, I wear flannels, tshirts, hats with folded bills or worn backwards, tattoos, and a beard. I'm always on my skateboard, shredding the streets. I don't really like wearing suits and fancy clothes nor do I hold myself higher than all. So most people wouldn't expect that I enjoy relaxing to a pipe. But then one day, I said "fck it" and went for it and it's amazing how the folks I've come to meet along the way come from all walks of life.

 
Jan 8, 2013
1,189
3
Great post as usual 12pups. You are absolutely right, there is far more to being a man than fine clothes and accessories. Those things are all well and good, but there is definitely something deeper that marks the line on this one.

 

yaddy306

Lifer
Aug 7, 2013
1,371
502
Regina, Canada
Very nice post. I agree with you.

Being a gentleman and being an asshole are mutually exclusive. But I'm sure we can all name some well dressed, well groomed, stylish assholes. Therefore, being a gentleman is deeper than one's appearance or accoutrements.

 
May 31, 2012
4,295
34
An excellent post, and very well written, a joy to read.
I much agree with all your sentiments, and especially like how you said "...there is an elegance about the pipe that transcends class distinctions", in truth this is completely true, to smoke together is a cultural bonding experience and forms a bond beyond any class distinctions ---
--- yet, the aristocratic pipesmoker stereotypes remain in the general public consciousness, an iconic image which has been built up over the years and it'll probably remain so for a while. Perhaps conceptions are shifting now since so many young people seem to be picking up the pipe?

 

12pups

Lifer
Feb 9, 2014
1,063
2
Minnesota
mister -
I'm sure my state of mind has been affected by that and more. It's the young, sure. But I started young.
I think... I think it's that I was worried I don't "live up to" the standards I feel of this rich site. Logging in here, you feel as though you walked into a high society club. But then while you're here, you can't help but notice grubby t-shirt guys with sloppy mugs of beer are making a racket. And over there is a guy whirling his coat over his head doing a strip tease. Then I look over and see the owner rolling his eyes.
... Which led me to wonder, which side am *I* on? I don't seem to fit either one.
The site itself, though, is not discriminatory. And there are far, far more than just two kinds of pipe smoker. That's okay. We are all welcome, as promised here in the forum etiquette guidelines. There's room for me and my kind, too. Just needed to figure out if I could believe that or not. And now I do!
http://pipesmagazine.com/forums/topic/forum-etiquette-and-guidelines
PS: Thanks, Roadqueen! (You snuck in there while I was fumbling with my misterlowercase response LOL)

 

blueeyedogre

Lifer
Oct 17, 2013
1,552
30
I think your post is very well spoken, well written, and also well meaning. I come from a family of blue collar men, hard working laborers who spent their live doing manual things. From my Great Grandfather who took a piece of land and made it a farm, living the first 10 years in a sod house with my Great Grandmother. My Grandfathers and uncles, many of whom the only suit they ever owned the the uniform they wore in the second World War. My father and my Uncle work in the family dry cleaners, 10 to 12 hours a day, cleaning the suits and ties of the rich and powerful. I can tell you one thing without hesitation or doubt...... They were Gentlemen. Men of values, morals, and men of code. Love your Family, Love your children, act with dignity and respect, and show these things to others whether they be friend or stranger. I laid my Father to rest 4 years ago next month and at his funeral were over 500 people. Rich and powerful and lowly blue collar alike. He was mourned by so many that knew him to be a good and honorable man, a man that even today I strive to be in my role as Corporate Head of Safety for a large nation wide construction company. A position, I am sorry to say, he never got to see me achieve. My father was and always will be my image as to what a man should be, and the only time he wore a suit was to weddings or funerals.

I guess what I'm trying to say 12pups is that it is not the clothes that make the man, its the man that makes the clothes. It is not the pipe that make a man wise, it is the man smoking it that has that ability. It is with us to make the decision of who we wish to be, either snob or humble, gentleman or scoundrel. Our choices follow us, mold us, and inevitable forge us into who we become and we are very fortunate to have many fine gentlemen and good ladies on this forum but do not be fooled my friend, anywhere you go there will be a few bad hidden within the good.

 
May 31, 2012
4,295
34
12pups wrote

I think... I think it's that I was worried I don't "live up to" the standards I feel of this rich site. Logging in here, you feel as though you walked into a high society club. But then while you're here, you can't help but notice grubby t-shirt guys with sloppy mugs of beer are making a racket. And over there is a guy whirling his coat over his head doing a strip tease. Then I look over and see the owner rolling his eyes.
... Which led me to wonder, which side am *I* on? I don't seem to fit either one.
The site itself, though, is not discriminatory. And there are far, far more than just two kinds of pipe smoker. That's okay. We are all welcome, as promised here in the forum etiquette guidelines. There's room for me and my kind, too. Just needed to figure out if I could believe that or not. And now I do!
Believe me, I can empathize with that. I've only been with pipe about 2.5 years now and its been a steep learning curve, this was the perfect joint to get hep but I was a longtime lurker before I actually signed up, I was simply intimidated and overwhelmed, I didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground and was afraid I'd look dreadfully vulgar or stupid or sumtin' --- I've been banned from 2 different pipe forums, they were too rigid and sophisticated for me, that's one reason among many that I love pipesmagazine.com, I think its the best because of its somewhat anarchic character, it has the best of both worlds and its always active with very high traffic, lotsa fun 'n lotsa learning all existing in a perfect symbiosis.
At times on here I feel that I may come off a bit too pedantic or pseudoscholarly, I try to balance the serious stuff with a sense of humor because I certainly ain't no lordly dude, justa regular joe who happens to be enthused about pipes 'n tobaccos, and this place is the place to be.
I also dig the language policy here, we can freely fuckin' speak.

:wink:
http://pipesmagazine.com/forums/topic/what-the-bloody-hell-is-profanity
...and this ties into the gentleman theme, a wonderful essay by A.A. Milne

http://pipesmagazine.com/forums/topic/lets-make-fun-of-dunhill
:

 

johnnyiii

Can't Leave
Nov 30, 2013
320
7
hertford nc
From Popes to Paupers and all in between.
As I have returned to a pipe I have found it a truly missed treasure in my life.
To add to the gentleman part I always feel not to violate the religious rules, but to Love GOD with all your heart, and your neighbor as your self. If you do this ... you become a true gentleman.

 

youngsterpuffer

Starting to Get Obsessed
Sep 3, 2013
116
0
Wonderful pups. I loved this. Being only 19, I'm sometimes afraid of being looked down upon by the older pipe smokers, the more experienced ones. But to be honest, it doesn't bug me at all. Because we all have a passion for the same hobby. Everyone may have their own tastes of tobacco and favorite styles of pipes, but at the end of the day, we all enjoy to sit down, fill a bowl up and relax. And I can only think of a few things that calm me down like sitting back and just observing the world as it goes about it's business. So, to all my fellow pipe smokers, let every bowl be the best bowl of your life. And I'd also like to say, thank you everybody. I've only been a member for a short time, but I check this forum several times a day and I have learned so much. You guys, all of you, are awesome.

 

ravenwolf

Can't Leave
Mar 18, 2014
302
0
Thank you 12pups, and all of the subsequent folk that have posted... truely an excellent read that I have enjoyed very much :D
I find it interesting that, perhaps, the man (or woman) makes the pipe what it is, and men (and women) make pipes of all sorts. A Custombilt or a well smoked corn cob conjure up different thoughts and emotions than a Castello or Tokutomi something. Perhaps that in and of itself is an existentional way to evaluate different aspects of our own natures at our own will. Not unlike swapping out an Irish wool tweed cap for a bowler. They both appeal to me, and perhaps they do to you too.
Perhaps what is most interesting to me is the great equalizer effect of the pipe. For me, I find it to be one of the most enjoyable things about pipe smoking too. Where else could I smoke a cob and have a spontaneous chat with a world reknown pediatric cardiac surgeon, truely as equals, musing and joking about life? He was smoking a J.T. Cooke pipe in a suit, and I was in my early 20s wearing jeans, a folk metal band t shirt, bearded and tattooed, tattered Army coat on the back of my chair. We still found each other and our life experiences to be fascinating.
The pipe brings us all together - the Elders, the youngin's, the prim and proper, the bluecollar everyman - and aside from the inherent joys of smoking tobaccos in pipes - we get to benefit from a friendly cross section of Humanity. Reading threads like this really drives the nail home for me.

 

admin

Smoking a Pipe Right Now
Staff member
Nov 16, 2008
8,764
4,932
St. Petersburg, FL
pipesmagazine.com
You may have seen me mention in the past that it is impossible for me to keep up with all of the threads in the forums. I scan the Subjects / Headlines, and click on a few here and there.
This one was quite an interesting and enjoyable read.
Thank you 12pups.
If you smoke a pipe, you're welcome here. Period.
(The only quite rare exceptions are the 3 - 4 people a year that get banned because they cannot play well with others, even after being warned a few times, but that is really another topic altogether.)
I hope all pipe smokers will always feel welcome here.
It's not a competition to see who owns the most expensive pipe, tobacco, accessories, or even clothes.
On the one hand, I am quite pleased that Steve's new column, "the Gentleman Smoker" has been extremely well-received. The debut column is one of the most read articles on the site at the moment.
On the other hand, I am again provided an example of how wearing dressy clothes can subject you to a stereotype.
I come from a blue-collar upbringing myself. My dad worked in a factory as a machinist / mechanic his entire working life.
It's ironic that "dressing to impress" seems to have the opposite effect for some people. Several times in the past year, and even in recent months, I have met new people that had previously observed me from afar, or on Facebook, and after they talked to me for a while in-person expressed with great surprise, comments such as:
- Wow! I thought you were just some boring business guy!

- I thought you were going to be smug and pretentious! You're actually really down to earth!
Most days, when I am working at my home office, I am usually wearing jeans and a t-shirt. In the evenings, when I go out, I usually wear a suit.
Why?
The main reason is because I like to. I don't have to. It's not because I am trying to impress anyone. It's not because I am some type of aristocrat, nor that I am smug, or pretentious.
I just like wearing those types of clothes, and living downtown in a nice tourist area and business area where there are some nice places, I am not out of place dressed this way. I feel comfortable and confident donning a 3-piece suit.
As I type this, I am in pajamas with my hair looking like I am a cartoon person that just had a bomb explode on him.
So, anyway, everyone should smoke and wear whatever they like best, and are comfortable with.
It's not a competition.
I am pleased that we have a ton of great content on this website, but not all of it is for everybody. If the subject of style holds no interest for you, then you might not want to read Steve's column.
Again, everyone is welcome here.
Smoke what you like, and like what you smoke - the same goes for which clothes you wear.

 

verse

Lurker
Mar 6, 2014
49
0
Great read 12pups, I enjoy your writing style. Hope I'm not missing the point here, but felt moved to comment. Class distinction between humans and the tragic legacy left by the false notion that we are to be separated and sorted by our economic and social status is folly. Our first nations shared the pipe centuries ago to celebrate peace and unity among tribes and people. The extreme indulgence in self inflated etiquette that we have adopted over the course of time would be trivial and absurd to our buckskin wearing brothers and sisters. The ceremony of the pipe and tobacco smoking is a deep connective tissue that transcends nationhood, local customs and class. We don't need to be in the same place, we simply connect through the action and ceremony of the pipe and can be true gentlemen in our thoughts and actions, if we strive for it...be you white collar, blue, or buckskin wearing :)

 

lostandfound

Part of the Furniture Now
Sep 30, 2011
924
44
12pups, I have to be honest. I was a little shook when I first saw your picture. A buddy of mine passed away around this time last year, and you are literally the spittin' image of him. His daily attire even consisted of the same kind of hat you wear, and a plaid flannel shirt. To learn that you are an Iowan as well, is truly spooky.
Your perspective on class and what it means to be a "Gentleman" resonated deeply with this young Iowan man. Thanks brother.

 
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