FunkyD in the Morning 02/11/2011
Well, I've read a whole lot about this blend on tobacco internet forums across the cyberspace. The consensus seemed to be that Penzance was an amazing blend that no one would ever copy and that its so great and "oh i have 5 lbs. cellared and you don't LOL". Although I generally do not give in to this sort of bragging/teasing (I always give in), I became obsessed with getting my gritty little fingernails on a tin/pounch/mound/bowl/lick the residue out of an old estate of penzance.
Every store I visited, and every "online store" I clicked on seemed to be fresh out of stuff. It was no where to be found, but EVERYONE was saying how great it was. "Oh you know this tobacco is good....BUT NOT AS GOOD AS PENZANCE!! SILLY MORTALS AND YOUR NON-PENZANCE TOBACCOS AH HA HA!"
Feeling like Charlie from that willy wonka story, I grew depressed as I yearned for the tobacco, all the while I performed a musical number as i stared into the moon. I wanted to be just as cool as the 60-year old guy sitting in his underwear hiding in his closet from his beast-of-a-wife and posting on the internet bragging about his non-existent scrooge McDuck supply of Penzance.
So I waited for my chance, and nearly forgot about penzance. Until that faithful day.
I was browsing Craigslist for the usual stuff. Free dirt, old furniture being sold at full price, and anonymous sex, when I came across a most interesting Ad. It read "PENZANCE? I GOT YOUR FIX." I became excited and quickly replied to the ad demanding that I be sold/given penzance immediately and that I would do anything for the chance.
He said that what he had was very rare and that it would cost me a ton of money. I said I didn't care, and I knew about the rarity of penzance. We set up a drop point in the city. He would drive by in a orange and yellow VW "NEW" beetle, and he would throw the penzance out the car, I was to wear a red balloon for identification. At the same time, I was to use my smartphone to hand over the cash via paypal to his online account, as he checked for updates. He said that if his account wasn't updated by the time he reached 8th street, he'd hunt my down and drag me out to a forest. So I agreed.
The next day I took an early lunch from work and waited in the "spot" with a red balloon in hand. 5 minutes had passed and I began to sweat in the hot sun. I knew this was a bad idea, no tobacco is worth this effort. But then he came, and I saw his fruity bug vroom on down the street. He threw out what looked like a pretty large package for tobacco and I became as giddy as a little schoolgirl. He held his hand out of his bug and gave me this little wave that really threw me off. Whatever...I knew what I had to do, I didn't want to get dragged off into the woods, I hate camping. So I forked over the $200 on my phone and ran over to the package to open it up. IT was quite large and rather heavy! Take that old creepy coward liar!
This is where the fun stopped however. I opened the package and my heart sank into my lower back. Inside was a copy of the script, music sheets, and autographed picture for the cast of "Pirates of Penzance". It began to rain, and I fell to my knees and cried. That creepy old man on the internet had won, look at what he did to me. Why would I go through all of this for some stupid tobacco? Is my life really that empty that I must give into the hype of some stuff that apparently smells like old bum?
My life changed that day, and I no longer felt the need to have the best, seal away the most, smoke the best or be the "best". I became me.
A couple of months after that, my cousin came over to my house with a tin of penzance. I showed restraint, and did not get overly excited. We smoked it all night long.
It was ok.
: Nifty!
