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The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

(478 posts)
  • Started 4 years ago by pipegangster
  • Latest reply from Teddy
  1. lonestar

    lonestar

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    A lady went into a Pet Store and saw a sign that says "Talking Parrot, $5".
    She asks why it was so cheap, and the man explained the parrot had lived in a Brothel for a number of years, and had some pretty foul language.
    Figuring she could deal with it, she took the bird home and uncovered the cage.
    Bird looks around and says "squaaaawk, New House, New Madam".
    She was still a bit flustered and blushing as her two daughters walked in the back door.
    "Squaaawk, New Girls, New House, New Madam".
    They didnt know what to say, and about that time her husband walks in the back door.
    Bird looks around and says.......

    "Squaaaaawk, Fred!! how you been man??? aint seen you in weeks!".

    Posted 3 years ago #
  2. nikko

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    lonestar, that one almost made me let out a laugh in class.

    Posted 3 years ago #
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    Okay this isn't a joke, but I think it fits here as lonestar's parrot joked reminded me of a story my mom told.

    She had an older neighbor living next to her when she moved from NY to PA. She had very foul language that you wouldn't expect.

    She had a pet parrot...well over the years, every time this lady's phone would ring, she would get all irritated and say "God Damn f**king phone".

    Well the parrot learned this phrase...my mom had a brother and 4 other sisters, so they used to all take turns calling this lady's house so they could hear the parrot go "God Damn f**king phone".

    Posted 3 years ago #
  4. nikko

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    while we are on the topic of parrots....

    So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.

    One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

    At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.

    At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".

    The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".

    Posted 3 years ago #
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    Posted 3 years ago #
  6. seanz

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    A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife:

    "What’s the problem?"

    She responds: "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

    The counselor turns to her husband and inquires: "Is that true?"

    The husband replies: "Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."

    New Zealand
    Peter Piper.
    Give me the weed, the fragrant weed, My wearied brain to calm; In a wreath of smoke, while I crack my joke, I'll find a healing balm.
    Posted 3 years ago #
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    Posted 3 years ago #
  8. pstlpkr

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    An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

    One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

    All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

    At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

    So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

    The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

    "And what about the men?" the minister asked.

    "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”


    "Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put." Winston Churchill
    View Lawrence  Whitcomb's profile on LinkedIn
    Posted 3 years ago #
  9. olderthandirt

    OTD

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    hehehe
    Freakin' classic Lawrence

    Snus, snuff and briar.
    Not much more required in a day.
    Brian from Oregon USA
    Posted 3 years ago #
  10. bubbadreier

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    Nice ones guys!

    Mason jars and bale top jars, mason jars and bale top jars.... that is all!

    "There’s truth in the statement that pipe tobacco will never be any less expensive than it is today, so think of your cellar as a cost averaged investment" - G.L. Pease
    Posted 3 years ago #
  11. cortezattic

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    After a brief interview, Mickey Mouse's lawyer leaned back in his chair and said, "Mickey, you don't have a case against Minnie.
    In California, insanity is not grounds for a divorce", to which Mickey replied, "No no! You don't understand! I said she's fuckin' Goofy!"

    I find myself sitting idly on the line dividing past and future,
    as if I could kill time without injuring eternity. -- Thoreau
    Posted 3 years ago #
  12. pstlpkr

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    Another classic Cortez.

    I realize that this joke is Racially Insensitive and Politically Incorrect.
    I beg your indulgence. My joke above while very old and humorous, doesn’t hold a candle to one that I learned in the Third Grade(1966)from a friend of mine that was in the Sixth Grade, we lived across the street from one another and we had identical bicycles; a red 26” Murray with headlight, one speed, coaster break and the obligatory ball-buster bar. TJ’s father was a Naval Officer, my Dad a Marine Corps Drill Instructor stationed at MCRD San Diego.
    To make a long story just a little longer… Several years ago a local radio station had a “Joke for Generator” contest. The morning talk show of TC and John Ed (Wiliby) hosted the contest. TC (Tommy Charles) was the judge. You had to send the joke in (snail mail) he would read them and render his judgment. (This was the winter of 93.)
    I was driving home from work one morning, up to my arm pits in traffic that was going way too fast for the sheer number of cars (I worked the night shift at that time) and I was about to enter “Malfunction Junction” (the I-65, I-20 interchange in downtown Birmingham) I was listening to their show when TC said: “I can’t read this on the air, but it is the one joke that actually made me laugh out loud… It’s about three Eskimos and an argument.” I nearly wrecked my truck… I still have the electric generator, for those days when the power bites the big one…
    Here is the winning entry.

    Three Eskimos were having their usual beers after work at the local bar, as they did every day. And, every day they would drink their beers and argue about who had the coldest igloo.
    Well after a particularly long and difficult day of walrus hunting and seal skinning they had a few more beers than usual… And, after quite some debate and a bit of argument, they decided that they would find out just who really did have the coldest igloo.
    Well, after an arduous trek to the first Eskimo’s igloo through a blinding snow strom with howling wind, they were relieved to have arrived at the First Eskimo’s igloo. He said: “Follow me.” And he took them into the kitchen. He turned on the hot water in the sink and allowed one drop to fall. It froze - then shattered in the sink. “That’s pretty cold alright, but that’s not as cold as my igloo” said the Second Eskimo.
    So, after another arduous and dangerous trek through the blinding blizzard; they arrived at the Second Eskimo’s igloo. The other two started to go into the kitchen and he said: “No come back here to the bathroom.” Well they followed him into the bathroom where he turned the hot water in the bathtub. An icicle grew from the faucet to the drain…. “Wow! That’s pretty cold alright, but that’s not a cold as my igloo” said the last Eskimo.
    Off they went into that blinding blizzard, complete with howling wind, on, and on trekking through the terrible storm. Seemed like days, but they finally arrived. So, without a word the first two Eskimos headed toward the kitchen. “No, back here.” Then they turned into the bathroom. “No, back here to the bedroom.“ The only thing in the room was the bed. It was piled high with polar bear skins, seal skins and quilts. One after another, he began to peel off the covers. Bear skin, seal skin, seal skin, bear skin, quilt, on and on and on until he had thrown back about 20 layers… then finally the sheet. There on the bed was a little brown spot…. He said: “Excuse me a moment.” He went to the kitchen and turned on the oven, and got a pair of ice tongs from the drawer…. When he got back to the bedroom, using the tongs he peeled the little brown spot up off of the bed. Holding it in the tongs he said: “C’mon back to the kitchen.”
    The other two were wondering what was going on… The last Eskimo opened the oven and after testing to see if it was warm… Thrust the little brown spot into the oven. There was moment of silence…
    (Insert best fart sound here.)

    That’s right. I won a portable Honda gas powered electric generator with that joke.
    Scout’s Honor.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  13. seanz

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    thats funny

    Posted 3 years ago #
  14. scotrob

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    OK- two gags here, both a bit weak I'm afraid:

    A man is recovering in hospital, having just had a painful mouth operation. The surgeon says "ok, you can have a cup of coffee, but i cant let you swallow it because of the operation, so you'll have to have take it through the rectum instead". "OK" says the patient, "go ahead and pour it in"..so the surgeon pours the coffee into the guy's ass and the patient suddenly screams loudly. "Sorry!" said the surgeon "was it too hot?". "No!" said the patient "you forgot to put sugar in it!"

    Q: What do you call a woman who shaves her vagina?
    A: A Constable

    Posted 3 years ago #
  15. lonestar

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    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
    The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
    The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

    Posted 3 years ago #
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    Allen Brown

    A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

    The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
    attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

    "Emma come first.
    Den I come.
    Den two asses come together.
    I come once-a-more! .
    Two asses, they come together again.
    I come again and pee twice.
    Then I come one lasta time."

    The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."

    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

    "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

    (I bet you're gonna read this joke again!)

    Posted 3 years ago #
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    Posted 3 years ago #
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    An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

    He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

    "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

    He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

    "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

    So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

    She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

    So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

    As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

    The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
    "Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

    Posted 3 years ago #
  19. pstlpkr

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    I was cleaning out an old footlocker, intending to use it for storing my riding gear, and came across some old mimeograph jokes... You geezers may remember the off color jokes that occasionally made the rounds in the days before PC. Here are some excerpts from one that had me in tears.

    WARNING! THESE ARE CRUDE.

    What do you call a truckload of vibrators? Toys for Twats
    What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? Beef Strokenoff
    Why does an elephant have four feet? Because 8 inches isn't enough.
    What can you use used tampons for? Tea Bags for Vampires.
    What's red and has 7 dents? Snow White's cherry.
    What do soybeans and dildos have in common? Both are meat substitutes.
    What's the difference between fish & meat? If you beat your fish it would die.
    What do you call a cow with an abortion? decalfinated.
    Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their peckers are on their faces.
    What do eating pussy and the mafia have in common? One slip of the tongue & your both in deep shit.
    How can you tell a head nurse? She's the one with dirty knees.
    What do you call this? (stick out tongue) A lesbian with a hard on.
    What did the moron do with his first $.50 piece? Married her.
    Three morons on a couch--Which one is the cock sucker? The one with the feathers in his mouth.
    Why did the moron staple his nuts together? Since he couldn't lick'em he decided he should join'em.
    What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.
    How can you tell Dolly Parton's kids in a group? They're the one's with stretch marks on their faces.
    What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger? Fred Astair's face.
    Which of the following doesn't belong? Meat, eggs, wife, or blow-job. A blow-job. Cuz you can beat your wife, eggs, and meat, but you can't beat a blow-job.
    How do you keep a moron in suspense? .....

    Posted 3 years ago #
  20. collindow

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    Lol Paul. May have to try that sometime...

    Photobucket
    The best gift to give a woman is what she told you she wanted when she thought you weren't listening.
    Posted 3 years ago #
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    A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

    The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

    "Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

    "Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in!"

    Posted 3 years ago #
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    A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

    The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

    Posted 3 years ago #
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    A chicken & an egg are lying in bed. The chicken happily smokes while the egg looks a bit pissed off. The egg mutters "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

    Posted 3 years ago #
  24. bootlegbonvivant

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    Cyndi told this story on Reddit and received a ton of points. I had forgotten this story until she brought it up.

    This is a true story and happened when I used to work dispatch at a cable company. One day a crewman came back with tears rolling down his face from laughing. The lady customer wanted a new line installed and the guys had to drill a hole through the wall. The drill got stuck on something and they could not get it loose. So one of the crew went in to see what the obstruction was. The drill had gotten stuck in a huge black silicon dildo and it was stuck against the wall spinning along with the drill.

    Southerners don't talk slow because they're dumb, we do it because there's really no rush.
    Posted 3 years ago #
  25. billm67

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    A man and his new bride enter their honeymoon sweet and he is very nervous. They had decided to wait until after they were married to consumate the relations ship. As he began to undress in front of his new wife..she noticed that his toes were deformed and began to stare at he feet. He said to his bride...I see know notice my feet...when I was young I had Toelio. His wife said you mean you had polio....He said to her...no, it is a rare disease that effects your feet. As he takes off his pants...she notices that his knees are deformed as well. He sees her looking and tells he....I also had kneasles....His bride said to him....don't know mean measles? He told her no... kneaseles is a rare disease that impacts you knees. Nervously... he takes off the rest of his clothing and when his shorts come of...she looks at him and says....Oh, I see you had small cox too...

    Posted 2 years ago #
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    Spaghetti
    A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

    One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

    Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
    he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

    She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

    One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

    "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

    "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

    The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

    On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

    Posted 2 years ago #
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    Posted 2 years ago #
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    acme

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    Not properly a joke, but one of the funniest stories I have ever witnessed.

    It was the late 70's. I was living in the student ghetto on the top floor of an old three story house in Lawrence, Kansas. The old house had been su-divided into apartments. I was very poor, and had purchased a forty pound bag of soy beans as a staple. I would soak and boil the beans. At the time of these events I hand chopped them up some after cooking, I never cooked them enough to make them soft, and made burritos. My little brother, 15 years old, I would guess, and a friend and I ate the burritos.

    My brother wanted to try drinking beer, so we did. He drank most of a six-pack of micky's big mouths, and after a late night, we went to sleep. He was sleeping close by on the floor in a sleeping bag.

    Fairly early in the morning, something woke me up. My brother was, still relatively comotose, vomiting on the short, worn out carpet. I got him up and my buddy and I got him into the bathroom to finish what needed doing.

    My buddy and I went back into the bedroom and took stock. The soy beans were fairly solid and peeble-sized, and had not spread out much. It didn't smell good. I went into the kitchen and found a spatula. Pressing firmly down on the rug, I made a scoop and got about half of the, ah, material and dropped it out the window. It fell the three stories into some bushes with a pattering noise. Great. Pretty efficient. I went back and got about half of what was left and dropped it out the window. Same sound, and then the sound of something bigger moving in the bushes. We looked out the window.

    The people on one side of the first floor had a german shepard, and there it was. It was a couple of feet back from the bushes, and looking up at me. There was partly digested soy bean burrito on its head. It watched me for a moment, so that I was not immediatly doing anything important, nosed back into the bushes and resumed eating the part of the partly digested soy bean burritos that had made it to the ground. Horribly funny at the time, I was only 18 and in the company of another who was also rolling on the floor. After regaining some of my composure, trying to further capitalize on what was already an interesting morning, I scooped up what remained of the burritos, and dropped them out the window. Bulls eye.

    More rolling on the floor.

    Now I know this is only text we are using to communicate with here, so you will have to use some imagination to imbue the sound of the voice with emphasis appropriate to the situation.

    About three minutes later, we hear the sound of the front door of the old house open, and then from down stairs we hear a voice, "Oh my god! Where the hell have you been?"

    Posted 2 years ago #
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    The Different Types Of Poop

    Ghost Poop ~~ You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.

    Teflon Coated Poop ~~ Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!

    Gooey Poop ~~ This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

    Second Thought Poop ~~ You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.

    Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop ~~ This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

    Bali Belly Poop ~~ You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.

    Right Now Poop ~~ You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

    King Kong or Commode Choker Poop ~~ This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.

    Wet Cheeks Poop ~~ This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.

    Wish Poop ~~ You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!

    Cement Block or Oh God Poop ~~ You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

    Snake Poop ~~ This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

    Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) ~~ Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

    Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) ~ You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.

    Beer Drunk Poop ~~ This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.

    The Frightened Turtle ~~ The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

    The Bungee Poop ~~ The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.

    The Ring of Fire Poop ~~ The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

    The Crippler ~~ The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

    The Big Bobber ~~ The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

    The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ~~ The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

    The Incredible Hulk Poop ~~ The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

    Jack the Ripper Poop ~~ The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.

    The Party Pooper ~~ The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

    The Toxic Gas Poop ~~ The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

    Dirty Bowl Poop ~~ The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

    The Windy City Poop ~~ When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.

    Oh Poop! Poop ~~ You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!

    The Never Ending Poop ~~ It's the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  30. pipeinhand

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    It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center. Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
    A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
    "SHIT!" said the hypnotist.
    It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
    Claude was never invited back.

    “There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of
    anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life,
    nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that "my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.”
    Posted 2 years ago #
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    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

    Posted 2 years ago #
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    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
    The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
    The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

    Posted 2 years ago #
  33. monstermash51

    monstermash51

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    This guy walks in from work at a pickle plant and says"Honey, I finally did it."

    "You finally did what" said the wife with a shocked look on her face

    "I finally stuck my dick in the pickle slicer, i was so curious as to what would happen , and well, I found out."

    "Oh my!! are you okay?" asked the wife.

    "yes dear I'm perfectly fine."

    "Oh....well what happened to the pickle slicer then?"

    He replied with a grin "Oh, she got fired too!"

    Posted 2 years ago #
  34. modernchicago

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    True Story (one of many):
    I live in the inner city and there's a snooty grammar school nearby where all of the rich kids go...they are taught all of life's social graces & everything is just wonderful. One day I was in a real hurry to get back to work after having lunch and a quickie with my wife at home. This school happens to be along the way.... Anyway, I turn the corner and see a group of about 20 of these kids up ahead (3rd graders I'm guessing), with the principal and a few other teachers standing up on the curb. The principal is smiling and pointing at a flock of about two hundred pigeons all gathered around a mountain of bird seed they were throwing into the street (in the middle of my lane). Each kid was enthusiastically adding to the heap - it was a happy place to be. I had a line of cabs on my ass and was already late - I was not slowing down (or exceeding the 20mph speed limit). I decided to just scare the birds away, temporarily, so I could play-through. I proceeded to lay on the horn as I approached. The principal reacted, then the teachers, and eventually every kid was looking at me. The Horn was Blaring.......NOT ONE OF THESE F'ING PIGEONS SO MUCH AS STOPPED FOR A SECOND OR FLEW AWAY. I drove right friggin over them - all of them, and it was like a slow-motion scene, by now our eyes trained on each others - an absolute look of horror consumed the entire group.
    Never in my life would I have imagined those light, soft, fluffy pigeons would feel like a truckload of frozen cornish hens under my tires, and the sound of them launching into the floorboards is a percussive sound I will never forget. Suddenly it was as if I was off-roading on a freshly paved urban street.
    Now I couldn't slow down. In my rear view mirror it looked like a king sized pillow had exploded and and the group of happy kids were now left with a horrible carnage none of us expected - All in a matter of about 5 seconds from when I made the turn. Of the 200 pigeons only a few got away, and the survivors were flopping around in the mound of seeds and feathers.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  35. pipeinhand

    pipeinhand

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    Three nuns are having tea one morning when the first one says, "I was cleaning the Fathers den and found a dirty girl magazine." The second one says, "What did you do?" The first one says, "I tore that filth into small bits and burned it."

    Then the second one then says, "When I was cleaning the Fathers bathroom I found a roll of condoms." "Oh my!" shouts the first one, "What did you do?" The second one says. "I took a needle and poked holes into each one." The third nun fainted.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  36. modernchicago

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    ^^^The two remaining conscious nuns quickly decided to go get the town doctor, so they jumped on their bikes and headed across the medieval town towards the doctors castle. The first nun knew a shortcut down an alley, so they took it. The second nun said to the other: "I've never come this way before" And the first nun replied: "It's probably the cobblestones"

    Posted 2 years ago #
  37. majilton

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    Aman sat on his porch smoking his pipe when a flying saucer lands in his field out comes a eight foot alien quivering like jelly the man says where you from venus he says no im from another solar system how far is it the alien says 2 light years in your years thats how long ive travelled the man says what do you want with me the alien says can i use your toilet

    Posted 2 years ago #
  38. majilton

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    Guy says to a woman wow you look beautiful and i love your perfume she says yes its called come to me he says it doesnt smell like come to me

    Posted 2 years ago #
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    Murphy's work laws

    MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

    A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

    Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

    The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

    You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

    Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

    Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

    When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

    If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

    There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

    Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

    Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

    Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

    Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

    To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

    Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

    Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

    The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

    There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

    The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

    If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

    You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

    People are always available for work in the past tense.

    If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

    At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

    When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

    You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

    No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

    When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

    The longer the title, the less important the job.

    Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

    An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

    Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

    All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

    Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  40. pstlpkr

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    Murphy was a genius...

    My favorite of Murphy's Laws is:

    You always find what you're looking for in the last place you look...
    Personally; I like to break that one once in a while.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  41. jaysin

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    A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

    The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f... your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

    Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

    He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
    Posted 2 years ago #
  42. jaysin

    jaysin

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    A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

    Posted 2 years ago #
  43. jaysin

    jaysin

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    A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

    Posted 2 years ago #
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    acme

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    The house that lesbians built.
    No studs.
    All tongue and groove.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  45. patiobum

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    As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: ‘What in the world are you doing?’

    The daughter replied: ‘Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

    The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

    A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: ‘What the hell are you doing?’

    The husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’

    cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.......

    martin
    Posted 2 years ago #
  46. logandow

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    A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."

    A man without a pipe is a man unprepared
    Posted 2 years ago #
  47. jaysin

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    Man Laws
    1 No wasted beer in the name of humor.

    2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control

    3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her it's a 6 day waiting period.

    4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home.
    (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friend's home)

    5. Short shorts have been banned… Unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.

    6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals; law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.

    7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.

    8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.

    9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare incase a friend is in desperate need.

    10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets.

    11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you're not a man.

    12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.

    13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours.

    14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you got to do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be replayed.

    15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.

    Addendum to Man Law No. 15:
    If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really shitty and the owner doesn't care about muddy seats.

    16. It is PAPER, ROCK, and SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.

    17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.

    18. You poke it you own it.

    19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.

    20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out.

    21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count… rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.

    22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E … Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet… or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants… (Or any other article of clothing).

    23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar.

    24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.

    25. Being a Pirate should be considered a Manly job because pirates get two types of booty.

    26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat. If not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick shit like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.

    27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.

    28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry"

    29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.

    30. under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another mans attempt at getting some tang. Let's just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manbitch.

    31. Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.

    32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they having the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn't mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used is said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or an ufc cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it (Cameron Ross, Nick Polyzos, Kristina Brockmann, and Drew Westerfield).

    33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.

    34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to Manbitch and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships.

    35. Women can't drive.

    36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.

    37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manbitch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not.

    38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don't agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support

    39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.

    40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.

    41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.

    42. A man will not live in his parent's house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.

    43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room.

    44. Sex is more important then talking

    45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm.

    46. Grilling regardless of weather is always the first choice for cooking.

    47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat

    48. Men will invite other men to Man Law

    49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it's not their brand."

    50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not.

    51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.

    52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.

    53. If you spill a man's beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.

    54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can't drink it in said time, don't open it. If you cant drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review.

    55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.

    56. It is never a man's responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbor's lawn.

    57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.

    58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.

    59. The bachelor's party is exclusively male. (except the entertainment).

    60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It's understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.

    61. A man purse is still a purse.

    62. No man shall dance for fun unless it's to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.

    63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it's on game day and to support his team.

    64. No man shall bring a woman to the guy's night out. this is punishable by verbal abuse for life.

    65. If you do not sweat, it's not a sport. (People sweat during Beer Pong.)

    66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.

    67. No man shall wear a beret unless it's for his military service.

    68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone.

    69. No man shall ever, under and circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.

    70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.

    71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story.

    72. Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring.

    73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.

    74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.

    75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.

    76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men.

    77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.

    78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.

    79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, and it is perfectly accepted to watch.

    80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.

    81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, or Ice Hockey.

    82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys.

    83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavored that comes in a bottle.

    84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.

    85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.
    1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.
    2. Your date is using her teeth.
    3. Anna Kournikova gets married.
    4 During Brian’s Song

    86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.

    87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.

    88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.

    89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.

    90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her.

    91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monicristo, CAO (Cade Mayo).

    92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined (Eric Gartenberg).

    93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet. (Boots Jones)

    94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

    95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

    96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

    97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!" (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

    98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

    99. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

    100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

    101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

    102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

    103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friend's birthday is optional)

    104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

    105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things.

    106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

    107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don't let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

    108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

    109. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

    110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

    111. Everybody is Irish on St. Patricks Day. And as such said people must consume alcohol on St. Patricks Day. Green and/ or gold body paint may be worn, but no glitter

    112 We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
    know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
    definition of each is listed below:

    'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
    being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts
    to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

    'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys
    smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
    wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

    113 Men are not mind readers.

    114 An anniversary is recognized on a yearly basis, under no circumstances will anything be celebrated in an interval other than a year

    115 The only time dicking over a buddy for a girl is legal, is when the girl ranks a 8 or above on the 1-10 scale. (exception: a girl may rank from 5-7, as long as there is oral sex involved).

    116 No man shall spend more than 2 minutes in front of a mirror. If more time is required, a three minute waiting period must be allowed before returning to the mirror.

    117 If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, and will, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

    118 You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient.

    119 men do not shave other body parts other then the face

    120 If you say ouch, you are a pussy!

    122 It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining every guys dream (threesome with two girls)

    123 Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return, is required to grant it. But he’s fully within his rights to say, “Man, are you gonna love the way she licks your testicles.

    124 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you’ve brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

    125 When in a bar that has a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend does not need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit.)

    126 A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    127 If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think What this guy needs is a good ass-whipping, you may stand back and enjoy.

    128 Move your feet, lose your seat. This rule has survived many challenges and supersedes all childish “pee breaks are safe??? local ordinances.

    129 When receiving oral sex while driving, always:
    # Wear your seat belt.
    # Close the sunroof.
    # Smile.
    # Make extended eye contact with as many women in other cars as possible.
    130 When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid, either.

    131 Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and your résumé. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.

    132 Before allowing a drunken pal to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!??? you are absolved of responsibility. Remember: Later on you will have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

    133 You may swear friends to secrecy about a sexual escapade only if there’s a chance the woman in question will become your girlfriend. If you’re imprudent enough to get caught bagging an undesirable female, then the anecdote will stay in the guy public domain right through your bachelor party. Don’t beg; it’s unseemly.

    134 A man must not give himself a nickname.
    Friends of such a man are forbidden from referring to him by the nickname. These friends must instead create a new nickname of significantly lesser value within 48 hours.

    135 All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this".
    And the right to leave the room.

    136 Sex is more important then talking

    137 Mustaches are forbidden they are exclusively for gay porn stars. How ever beards and goatees are permitted

    138 All men must once in their life fire a class 3 firearm.

    139 All men must have basic survival skills enough to keep them alive for 2 days.
    Men who have skills needed to survive longer than that are superior men.

    140 No man shall ever be a part of P.E.T.A as a matter of fact real men can kill and grill their own food.

    141 Men don’t grow up, their toys get more expensive.

    142 THE GENDER DOES NOT MATTER!! If two people go to the movies, out to eat, together that is a date.... What’s up with all the Bromance men? FIX IT

    143 men should never pay a whore for sex. The pleasure she gets is payment enough!

    144 MEN ARE DESTINED TO RULE THE PLANET...THUS LEADS US TO OUR INNATE ABILITY TO BE DICK-tators(dictators), not PUSSY-tators. AND REWRITE THE DICK-tionary,

    145 during the holidays, instead of kisses, men will be getting bj's by standing under a mistletoe

    146 MEN can't compliment other MEN in a "nice" (gay) way. If a MAN's outfit looks clean u must say something like "He looks like he gets bitches". Saying things like "u look nice" or "those shoes are fly" makes you gay. If u say ANY kind of compliment it must sound MANLY and have 1 or 2 swears. Any more than that and your trying to hard. Now go out there and be MEN...and keep looking "like a fucking pimp

    147 If there r more rooms in your home than bodies to fill them... U r bound by law to make this excess space YOUR MAN ROOM. If it is found that the lesser species has taken the excess space... Ur man-hood membership card could b revoked for upto 1 month, but no less than 1 week!

    148 If its not in the same Zip code, it didn't happen

    149 There is no reason to watch "Broke back Mountain". Ever. Not even if you love mountains or horses.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  48. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    1 No wasted beer in the name of humor.

    Even accidentally spilling a beer is alcohol abuse and unacceptable.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  49. jaysin

    jaysin

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    True Lawrence

    Posted 2 years ago #
  50. mluyckx

    Belgian Mick

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    @81: Oy ! Watch it ! Football is a sport.. American football is fun

    @126: I call BS ! If she picks the fight, she better deal with the punches. I'll have another beer while watching

    "The fact is, squire, the moment a man takes to a pipe, he becomes a philosopher. It's the poor man's friend; it calms the mind, soothes the temper, and makes a man patient under difficulties. It has made more good men, good husbands, kind masters, indulgent fathers, than any other blessed thing on this universal earth."
    -"Sam Slick, the clockmaker" aka T.C.Haliburton
    Posted 2 years ago #
  51. k2turner

    k2turner

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    Two friends are out having drinks and getting pretty well wasted when one guys burps and kinda vomits on his shirt.
    "OH NO, my wife is gonna kill me if she sees I've barfed on myself again." He says

    His friend says, "don't worry, just stick a five dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell your wife someone else did it on accident and gave you the money for dry cleaning"

    "that is brilliant" the first guys says and orders another round.

    After many more drinks the guys go home and when our hero stumbles into the bedroom his wife is waiting, "OH, you cretin you've barfed on yourself again!"

    "No, no, now wait, it wasn't me, some stranger puked on me at the bar and I can prove it...., here see he gave me five dollars for the dry cleaning to take care of my shirt"

    His wife says "you idiot, that's a ten dollar bill"

    "yeah, well... he crapped in my pants too!"

    Posted 2 years ago #
  52. User has not uploaded an avatar

    Anonymous

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    This is not a joke, but is still funny (and its true too):

    An officer I work with once received a call to attempt to locate an elderly gentleman who had walked away from a nursing home. The nursing home was in a semi-rural area. Local legend has it that when the area was much more rural there was "house of ill repute" in the area (probably in the 1930's-1940's). The officer encountered the old gentleman walking along the roadway carrying a brown paper sack and stopped to talk with him. He asked the man what was iin the paper bag anf the man opened it to show the officer it contained six un-opened plugs of Cannonball chewing tobacco. The officer then asked the old man where he was going. The old man replied "I'm going to the whorehouse". The officer asked him why he needed the chewing tobacco if he was headed to the "whorehouse". The old man truthfully answered him with the comment"Well, when I go to the whorehouse I aim to stay awhile".

    True story.

    LtMac

    Posted 2 years ago #
  53. bryanhayn

    bryanhayn

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    My all-time favorite joke:

    Q: How do you catch a unique bird?
    A: Unique up on it.

    Q: How do you catch a tame bird?
    A: Tame way, unique up on it.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  54. organizedmadman

    organizedmadman

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    A golfer came home one evening with a heavy heart.
    His loving wife was concerned and asked what was the matter.
    "Oh it was the worst day of my life, my best friend Bob dropped dead on the 5th hole."
    "Oh dear God! That's terrible!" his wife exclaimed.
    "And it just got worse." said the man, now sobbing uncontrollably.
    "For the rest of the day it was take a swing, drag Bob, take a swing, drag Bob, my game was ruined!"

    My current PAD goal:
    Savinelli 320
    Butz Choquin Petite Dublin Churchwarden
    Posted 2 years ago #
  55. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini...
    The bartender says:"Olive or Twist?"

    Sorry guys...

    Posted 2 years ago #
  56. topd

    TopD

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    Ha! First time I saw this string...

    When I was still active duty I always loved 'dinging' President Clinton.
    So... Marine One lands on the west lawn and this Marine Sergeant opens the hatch and aligns the steps:
    Clinton steps out with a little pig under each arm... The Sergeant says "Wow Mr. President!"
    Mr. Clinton says let me tell Ya' Marine... was just in Arkansas, and these piglets are direct
    descendants of the Razorback Mascot in Fayetteville... Real Honest to Gosh Pigs!
    He raises one arm "Got one for Hillery", raises the other "And got one for Chelsie"...

    The Sergeant says.... "That was an excellent trade Sir!"

    Steve 'Top' Downey
    Master Sergeant
    USMC - Retired
    Posted 2 years ago #
  57. spartan

    Spartan

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    Keep the military jokes a comin.

    I know you got more. Pour yourself a whiskey and let er rip.

    "I was born to lose. So I'll die to win." -Breaking Benjamin
    Posted 2 years ago #
  58. martiniman

    martiniman

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    I have a new favorite joke, Thanks Lawrence..

    Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini...
    The bartender says:"Olive or Twist?"

    I never saw this thread before, thanks for bumping it back up....

    Posted 2 years ago #
  59. crazypipe

    Teddy

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    As we are progressing towards the end of 2012, I want to thank you all
    for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed
    up now and have little chance of recovery.

    I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
    nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
    about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

    I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
    what has happened on it since it was last washed.

    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
    because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's
    nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
    imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
    the floor of a public toilet.

    I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
    in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
    every envelope that needs sealing.

    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
    reason.

    I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
    full of ice with my kidneys gone.

    I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
    freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
    if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within
    five minutes.

    Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
    it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
    so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

    And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
    in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
    disfiguring me for life.

    I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
    needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

    I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
    me with a perfume sample and rob me..

    And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
    me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls
    to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

    Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
    big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
    death when it bites my butt.

    And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
    dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
    there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

    I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
    Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
    the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
    on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
    fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
    to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
    actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
    ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
    beautician!

    Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina, after a
    lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain
    activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

    P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
    I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

    NOW, YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

    Posted 2 years ago #
  60. crazypipe

    Teddy

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    As we are progressing towards the end of 2012, I want to thank you all
    for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed
    up now and have little chance of recovery.

    I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
    nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
    about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

    I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
    what has happened on it since it was last washed.

    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
    because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's
    nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
    imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
    the floor of a public toilet.

    I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
    in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
    every envelope that needs sealing.

    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
    reason.

    I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
    full of ice with my kidneys gone.

    I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
    freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
    if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within
    five minutes.

    Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
    it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
    so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

    And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
    in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
    disfiguring me for life.

    I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
    needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

    I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
    me with a perfume sample and rob me..

    And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
    me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls
    to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

    Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
    big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
    death when it bites my butt.

    And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
    dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
    there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

    I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
    Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
    the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
    on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
    fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
    to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
    actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
    ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
    beautician!

    Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina, after a
    lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain
    activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

    P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
    I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

    NOW, YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

    Posted 2 years ago #
  61. crazypipe

    Teddy

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    Posted 2 years ago #
  62. crazypipe

    Teddy

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    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos

    Posted 2 years ago #
  63. crazypipe

    Teddy

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    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos

    Posted 2 years ago #
  64. crazypipe

    Teddy

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  65. crazypipe

    Teddy

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    A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

    Posted 2 years ago #
  66. joshwolftree

    joshwolftree

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    What do you call a girl in the Air Force=Air Mattress
    What do you call a girl in the Navy=Waterbed
    What do you call a girl in the Army=Pounded Ground
    What do you call a girl in the Marines=Sir

    The true measure of a mans worth is how he chooses to chance his mortality
    Junior Member of the Black Bloods
    Posted 2 years ago #
  67. joshwolftree

    joshwolftree

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    Why was the Marine Corps created?
    The Navy needed men to dance with

    Posted 2 years ago #
  68. crazypipe

    Teddy

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    Posted 2 years ago #
  69. sixmp

    sixmp

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    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos

    Few naughty words

    Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.
    Posted 2 years ago #
  70. crazypipe

    Teddy

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    bubba the furniture dealer

    Bubba, a furniture dealer from Arkansas,decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.

    To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

    Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

    After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

    Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

    To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

    Posted 2 years ago #

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