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The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

(470 posts)
  • Started 4 years ago by pipegangster
  • Latest reply from 12pups
  1. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    ROTFLMAO!

    jaxpipesmoker


    "Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put." Winston Churchill
    View Lawrence  Whitcomb's profile on LinkedIn
    Posted 3 years ago #
  2. portascat

    portascat

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    In this world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more
    people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of
    capitalization.

    For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the
    statement below.

    "Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a
    horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

    Is everybody clear on that?

    "To seek freedom is the only driving force I know. Freedom to fly off into that infinity out there."
    Posted 3 years ago #
  3. seanz

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    these are classic some nearly achieved wet pant status

    New Zealand
    Peter Piper.
    Give me the weed, the fragrant weed, My wearied brain to calm; In a wreath of smoke, while I crack my joke, I'll find a healing balm.
    Posted 3 years ago #
  4. kashmir

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    That's a keeper!

    The pipe eases you into the present moment - savor your pipe & you'll savor this moment.
    Posted 3 years ago #
  5. kashmir

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    Hey portascat! Priceless!!!!! Keep em coming!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  6. bubbadreier

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    I love this thread...

    Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

    Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

    Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

    About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

    The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

    "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

    "Why not?" asked the son.

    "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

    Mason jars and bale top jars, mason jars and bale top jars.... that is all!

    "There’s truth in the statement that pipe tobacco will never be any less expensive than it is today, so think of your cellar as a cost averaged investment" - G.L. Pease
    Posted 3 years ago #
  7. collindow

    Collin Dow

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    lol!

    Photobucket
    The best gift to give a woman is what she told you she wanted when she thought you weren't listening.
    Posted 3 years ago #
  8. kcvet67

    kcvet67

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    Service:
    I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:
    Internal Revenue 'Service'
    U.S. Postal 'Service'
    Telephone 'Service'
    Cable TV 'Service'
    Civil 'Service'
    State, City, County & Public 'Service'
    Customer 'Service'
    This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
    But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us. You are now as enlightened as I am.

    "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants."
    -- Thomas Jefferson
    Posted 3 years ago #
  9. lonestar

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    A little boy was at the State Fair with Grandpa when they got split up.
    The kid wandered around for a bit until he found a security guard.
    He said "Mr, I cant find my Grandpa"
    The guard asked whats his name, and the kid says "Grandpa"
    So, the guard asks "Whats he like?"
    The kid says "Padron cigars, and nurses with big t!ts"

    Posted 3 years ago #
  10. kcvet67

    kcvet67

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    There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:

    30% of women think their ass is too fat.

    10% of women think their ass is too skinny.

    The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  11. goodkat

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    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

    To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

    He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

    He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

    At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

    Posted 3 years ago #
  12. punkpiper

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    Anyone hear the one about the necrophiliac in love? it was all going rosy til the tw*t split on him.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  13. goodkat

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    A monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.

    He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

    "No, what?"

    "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

    The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

    Two weeks later the guy is back, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

    Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

    The bartender asks, "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

    "No, what?" replied the man.

    "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

    Posted 3 years ago #
  14. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Posted 3 years ago #
  15. seanz

    seanz

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    nice goodkat

    Posted 3 years ago #
  16. grouchy

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    three pregnant women, blond, brunette and redhead were sitting in the doctors office for checkups. while the blond sat off in the corner alone, the other two noticed this and decided to have a little fun with her.
    the brunette told the redhead that she was going to have a boy because she was on the bottom. following on qu, the redhead said she was going to have a girl because she was on top.
    suddenly the blond burst into tears as she ran out of the room screamming i going to have a puppy!!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  17. kcvet67

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    AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD:
    To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
    Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
    I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

    First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason… my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head isn't it?!

    I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

    After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

    I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

    I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb, after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

    Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

    The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc…).

    In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
    Have a good day!
    Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
    Alex

    Posted 3 years ago #
  18. kcvet67

    kcvet67

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    Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

    Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

    Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

    Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

    Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

    Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

    Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

    The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    Murphy's Law of Lockers - I f there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

    Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

    Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

    Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

    Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  19. grouchy

    grouchy

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    portascat: ["Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a
    horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

    Is everybody clear on that?]

    "collection" is what its called. you may just have to visit your local horse breeding stable and see what Uncle Jack really does for a living.
    ironcally funny, that is how some breeders still get the job 'handled', unfortunately leaving the mare's desire and seduction unfullfilled.
    for the stud, its fun for him no matter how the 'collection is done'. he will follow Uncle Jack around like a puppy and not have the slightest clue about being "bi".

    Posted 3 years ago #
  20. shimrra

    shimrra

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    The person you are picking up will be either outside waiting for you, or will come out once you turn your car off, but before you get out of it...

    the easier it was to take apart, the harder it will be to get together

    you will always have extra parts, and you will never know what they were for

    the dirtier and greasier something is, the more likely it is what you need to fix.

    if something is going to break down, it will always be at the worst time you can think of. such as on your way to your first day at a new job, not on the way home.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  21. kcvet67

    kcvet67

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    INTERESTING OBSERVATION:
    1 The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
    2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
    3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
    4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
    5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
    6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
    THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
    The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
    There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  22. fullbent

    fullbent

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    I set beside a lady the other day.After conversation,I ask what she looked for in a man.She said she liked ,Indians,because they had long penis.She then says she also liked Mexicans,They are big around as a beer can...We talked a bit more,and I got up to leave.She then says,"I did'nt catch your name." with a smile I told her,Tonto Rodrigez

    "If you can't sent money, send tobacco."
    -George Washington to the Continental Congress, 1776
    Posted 3 years ago #
  23. goodkat

    goodkat

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    An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
    His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

    Love, Papa

    A few days later he received this letter from his son:

    Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

    Love, Vinnie

    At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

    Love, Vinnie

    Posted 3 years ago #
  24. shimrra

    shimrra

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    oh god, that's a good one!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  25. collindow

    Collin Dow

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    A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse tending bar, apron and all, wiping out a glass. He stares at the horse for a minute without saying a word. The horse returns the stare and breaks the silence by asking, "Hey buddy, what's the matter? You can't believe that a horse can tend bar?" "No", the guys says, "I can't believe that the ferret sold the place."

    Posted 3 years ago #
  26. teddy

    teddy

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    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos

    Posted 3 years ago #
  27. matchstickman

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    A man walks into a bar and sits down. Above the bar, he sees a sign that says, "Cheeseburger $2, Hot Dog $1, Beer $1.50, Hand Job $25." The man looks at the woman standing behind the bar. Drop dead gorgeous, huge rack, nice ass, blonde hair. He leans over the bar to her and beckons her over. He says to her in a soft voice, "I'm guessing you're the one that gives the handjobs?" The blonde woman flips her hair over her shoulder and says seductively, "Why, yes I am, handsome." The man leans back over the bar and says to her, "Good, go wash your fucking hands. I want a cheeseburger."

    Posted 3 years ago #
  28. pstlpkr

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    Posted 3 years ago #
  29. goodkat

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    A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

    Posted 3 years ago #
  30. spyder71

    Spyder

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    This one is for UncleArther

    So this skeleton walks in to a bar and the barkeep asks "Evening Mort, what can I get ya?" "My usual", replies Mort.
    "Beer and a mop comin' right up!"

    "I used to cry because I had no shoes. Until I met a man who had no feet"- My favorite and I use it to get by...

    Support The Epilepsy Awareness Foundation!
    Posted 3 years ago #
  31. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos

    Posted 3 years ago #
  32. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    A Public Service Annoucement

    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos

    Posted 2 years ago #
  33. fullbent

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    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

    "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

    "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

    Posted 2 years ago #
  34. fullbent

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    A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

    A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.

    Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

    Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

    The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

    He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you; but I've never seen a funeral like this.

    Whose funeral is it?"

    "My wife's.", answered the man.

    "What happened to her?", the curious man asked.

    The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

    He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

    The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

    A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

    "Can I borrow the dog?"

    The man replied, "Get in line."

    Posted 2 years ago #
  35. seanz

    seanz

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    Full bent that cracked me up

    Posted 2 years ago #
  36. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Those were great Fullbent!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  37. dd951

    dd951

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    Born Again Heathern
    Posted 2 years ago #
  38. ace57

    ace57

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    --- ----

    U.S.M.C. (SEMPER FI)
    Posted 2 years ago #
  39. goodkat

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    A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

    "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

    He slams the door and returns to bed.

    "Who was that?" asked his wife.

    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

    "Did you help him?" she asks.

    "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

    "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

    He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

    "Yes," comes back the answer.

    "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

    "Where are you?" asks the husband.

    "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  40. fullbent

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    Sweet Tea

    A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.

    Doctor: "What happened?"

    Woman:
    "Doctor, I don't know what to  do.  Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

    Doctor:
    "I have a real good medicine for that.  When your husband  comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start                swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow.

    Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

    Two weeks  later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

    Woman:
    "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea.  I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

    Doctor:
    "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

    Posted 2 years ago #
  41. ace57

    ace57

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    Posted 2 years ago #
  42. collindow

    Collin Dow

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    Fullbent, that is terrible. In the best possible way.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  43. bubbadreier

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    haha that is funny! Because it is true... Kidding!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  44. goodkat

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    A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa.” Father said, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know, daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.

    A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

    Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say “God bless mommy and good-bye daddy.” He practically went into shock. Couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

    Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

    She said, “You think you had a bad day. You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch.”

    Posted 2 years ago #
  45. fshu2

    fshu2

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    not to bad lol.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  46. logandow

    logandow

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    Q:What do Hiroshima and Afghanistan have in common?
    A: nothing yet

    A man without a pipe is a man unprepared
    Posted 2 years ago #
  47. seanz

    seanz

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    O" logandow thats nasty! too make it worse i laughed

    Posted 2 years ago #
  48. fullbent

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    A cannibal was walking through the jungle
    And came upon a restaurant operated by a
    Fellow cannibal.
    Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.....

    + Tourist: $8.00

    +Broiled Missionary: $10.00

    +Fried Explorer: $12.50

    +Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

    The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
    "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

    The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
    They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

    Posted 2 years ago #
  49. pstlpkr

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    Fullbent!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  50. fullbent

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    Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow For my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  51. seanz

    seanz

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    Posted 2 years ago #
  52. pstlpkr

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    Ouch!
    +1

    Posted 2 years ago #
  53. logandow

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    being a politician is is like being a prostitute. You have to pretend to like the people you're screwing!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  54. fullbent

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    A teacher gave her kids life savors, The children began to identify the flavors by the color red~~Cherry** Yellow ~~Lemon**Green ~~Lime**Orange~~Orange ~ Finally the teacher gave them all Honey lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. She said ,"I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "oh my God! They're ass-holes! Spit um out!!!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  55. ace57

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    Posted 2 years ago #
  56. seanz

    seanz

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    Posted 2 years ago #
  57. unclearthur

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    I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.
    "I want to live forever," I said.
    "Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
    "Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!"

    "You're a crafty bastard," said the fairy.

    If at first you don't succeed you are running about average.
    Posted 2 years ago #
  58. bootlegbonvivant

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    Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around the house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished. I finished off a bottle of Vodka, a bottle of Baile...ys, a bodle of wum, a pock of Prungles, 1/2 chesecke an a bocs a choczlet. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feeel now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fel ar in ned ov innr pees

    Southerners don't talk slow because they're dumb, we do it because there's really no rush.
    Posted 2 years ago #
  59. pawpaw

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    A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, cooking. He sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks.

    "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied.

    Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."

    Posted 2 years ago #
  60. nikko

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    So this pirate walks into a bar, and goes to the bartender to order a drink. The bartender says sure, but he has to ask him a question first. The pirate nods in approval, and the bartender asks why the pirate has a steering wheel over his crotch. Pirate says in reply, "Arrr, I dunno, but it's drivin' me nuts"

    Posted 2 years ago #
  61. seanz

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    At the end of the tax year, the IRD office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRD agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

    "Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

    "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

    "Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

    "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

    "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "We save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRD Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

    Posted 2 years ago #
  62. olderthandirt

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    Sean shoots and he scores!
    Oh but that one got me chuckling (-:

    Snus, snuff and briar.
    Not much more required in a day.
    Brian from Oregon USA
    Posted 2 years ago #
  63. User has not uploaded an avatar

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    A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with him and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and he said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. He taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so he can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children. Your daughter, Judith... PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home

    Posted 2 years ago #
  64. ace57

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    Paul, That got Me going it's good.

    Posted 2 years ago #
  65. misterrogers

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    How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?

    Enough to kill Two and Half Men!

    Now, I've noticed a tendency for this forum to get rather silly.
    Posted 2 years ago #
  66. pstlpkr

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    Ooooo... That's low Misterrogers....

    Posted 2 years ago #
  67. matchstickman

    Pipe Novelist

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    A 92 year old man went to the doctor one day. The doctor performed his checkup and after all was said and done, the doctor looked at the man and said, "Sir, at 92 years of age you are in the peak of physical health. You are an absolutely perfect specimen. Tell me sir, how are things in your life right now? How is your relationship with your wife?" The 92 year old man replied, "Doctor, not only do I have a great relationship with my wife, but I have developed a great relationship with God. See, God knows that I am losing my eyesight. But he has taken mercy on me, and when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, God turns on the bathroom light for me. When my business is done, I leave the bathroom, and God turns the light back off for me." The doctor, astounded, calls the mans wife. "Maam, your husband is not only in perfect physical condition, but he also told me of his relationship with God. Now, maam, is it really true that God turns the light on for him when he goes to the bathroom and then turns the light off after he leaves the bathroom?" The wife lets out a heavy sigh on the phone and tells the doctor, "Aw damnit, hes pissing the refrigerator again."

    Posted 2 years ago #
  68. User has not uploaded an avatar

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    A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

    Posted 2 years ago #
  69. logandow

    logandow

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    That's a great one Paul!

    Posted 2 years ago #
  70. abecox

    abecox

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    So I was hanging out with my friend at his place when he tells starts telling this story.

    "So I was with my last girfriend a few months ago, and I had just drove to her house to say hi. However, her sister just informed me that she had left a few seconds ago to go to the store, but I could come in. Now mind you, while she was pretty, her sister was smoking hot. Like, you could light cigarettes off of this woman.

    "Anyways, I sit down, and her sister says: 'You know, she'll be gone for a while. If you want me, I'll be upstairs. Our little secret.'

    "I run out to my car, and as I sit down in the drivers seat I feel a great big hug. Its my girlfriend! 'Oh Jake! You passed! I love you!' She plants a big smooch on my cheek as I close the glove box with my free hand.

    "The moral of the story is that you always keep your condoms in your car!"

    Posted 2 years ago #

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