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The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

(473 posts)
  • Started 4 years ago by pipegangster
  • Latest reply from thesmokingtexan
  1. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Hail Smokingpipes.com!

    WARNING! This video has the "F" bomb in it.

    But, is hysterical. Pokes fun at just about all online transactions.

    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos


    "Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put." Winston Churchill
    View Lawrence  Whitcomb's profile on LinkedIn
    Posted 3 years ago #
  2. unclearthur

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    FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    If at first you don't succeed you are running about average.
    Posted 3 years ago #
  3. menckenite

    William

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    Lawrence, I've not laughed that loud or that often at video in quite a while. Thanks for that nugget of fun.

    Pics of my pipes & stuff: http://photobucket.com/menckenite
    Posted 3 years ago #
  4. searock

    searock

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    pstlpkr, Good one!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  5. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    A friend provided the link.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  6. searock

    searock

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    Here's an oldie but a goodie...

    http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/36250/

    Posted 3 years ago #
  7. hobie1dog

    hobie1dog

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    keep em coming...these are great fun.

    Earth: The Insane Asylum of the Universe. Nowhere else could things be more messed up.

    Does a culture based on separation and competition, of scientific sophistication and mideval religion, offer happiness even as it ravishes the Earth that sustains it?
    Posted 3 years ago #
  8. searock

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    keep em coming...these are great fun.

    Ok, you asked for it. Here are some I think are a good laugh... Some appear as a screen and others just show up as the URL... be sure to click them too. enjoy!

    http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/209460/

    http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/179560/

    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos

    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos

    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos

    http://madelinecake.pixnet.net/album/video/81349814

    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos

    Posted 3 years ago #
  9. kcvet67

    kcvet67

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    Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
    not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
    The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
    in hopes that St. Nicolas soon would be there.
    When suddenly up on the roof, there a'rose such a clatter,
    I jumped up from my bed, to see what was the matter.
    I ran down the stairs, and what did I find?
    a big fat elf smoke'n in my living room, ...must be out of his mind.
    I yelled HEY! get out of here with that pipe,
    You're stinkin' up my house, and that ain't just no hype.
    I'll get the Lung Association, and Heart Association and ANR in your face,
    I'll make a few calls, and even get Repace!
    and I'll bet you didn't even pay taxes on the weed in that thing,
    when the attorney general gets done with you, you'll end up in Sing Sing.
    and the FAA says you can't smoke on your sleigh,
    It's a regularly scheduled flight, even if it's for only one day.
    and the law says you can't smoke, in your workshop at all,
    the Dept. of Health will fine you, when I give em' a call.
    So get out of here with that thing, and don't ever come back,
    or ASH will rip it out of your mouth, and shove it up your crack.
    Next year Tobacco-free Kids will deliver our gift,
    you're banished from Christmas, do you get my drift?
    and I heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight,
    Merry Christmas to all! 'cept the dork on my right.

    "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants."
    -- Thomas Jefferson
    Posted 3 years ago #
  10. bhpdrew

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    I fail at embeds...

    “The will to survive is not as important as the will to prevail... the answer to criminal aggression is retaliation.” - Jeff Cooper
    “Hoplophobia is a mental disturbance characterized by irrational aversion to weapons, as opposed to justified apprehension about those who may wield them.”
    – To Ride, Shoot Straight, and Speak the Truth
    Posted 3 years ago #
  11. admin

    Kevin

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    Lawrence, I LMFAO!!!!!!!!!! at that Hitler video. OMG that's so funny.

    To embed YouTube videos guys, don't use the YouTube embed code.

    We have a plugin here so all you have to do is put the link and it will create the embed.

    Check Out Our - Pipes Podcast
    Posted 3 years ago #
  12. patiobum

    patiobum

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    http://www.naden.de/blog/bbvideo-bbpress-video-plugin -->

    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos

    Here is a video of a play Greater Tuna that has been performed by 2 actors since '81.
    My wife and I went to see Tuna Christmas yesterday in Galveston. these guys are great, enjoy.

    " If Dee Dee's can't kill it.......it's immortal "

    cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.......

    martin
    Posted 3 years ago #
  13. buck67

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    Oh To Be 12 Again...

    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
    Since her 60th birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

    I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

    On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
    and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
    What a day!

    He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

    Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

    He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.
    What a fabulous adventure!
    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
    He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
    Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
    I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  14. patiobum

    patiobum

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    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

    Hear, Hear !!! Yo, what you said!! You got that right!! I hear that! I can relate! So true, so true!! I'm down with that !!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  15. kcvet67

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    Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
    This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and stuff like that.
    Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents. This message is sent by someone who worries about your well being.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  16. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Thank you KC for being such a conscientious individual.
    Since I will finish another year of life before the turn of the New Year, I will observe the recommendation above and drink more alcohol.......
    The best thing about having an end of the year birthday.... My driver's license expires on New Year's Eve, and I cannot (by default) be a designated driver.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  17. hobie1dog

    hobie1dog

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    While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman Passed over a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side, lying in wait.

    The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love .... Asked "What's your hurry?"

    To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

    "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

    "I'm a rectum stretcher", she responded.

    The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum Stretcher do?"

    "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly, but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

    "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

    "You give him a radar gun, and park him behind a bridge ...."

    Ticket ............................. $195.00
    Court Costs ......................$ 45.00
    Look On Cop's Face ...... Priceless

    Posted 3 years ago #
  18. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Hobie!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  19. buck67

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    The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't fu**in' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order. . .

    Posted 3 years ago #
  20. buck67

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    Splinters in her Crotch

    A woman from Los Angeles , CA , who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . On the highst point on the tract there was a very large tree. Wanting a good view of the natural splendor of her land she started to climb this tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her and in her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

    In considerable pain, she hurried the Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

    After waiting three hours before the doctor reappeared, the angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

    He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."

    Posted 3 years ago #
  21. buck67

    buck67

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    A married couple walked in to a sandal shop. The Jamaican said to

    them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested

    in. Dey make you wild at sex.'

    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after

    what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need

    them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, 'How

    could sandals make you into a sex freak?'

    The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

    So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave

    in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he

    got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in

    many years!

    In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him

    violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own

    pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

    The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet! '

    Posted 3 years ago #
  22. collindow

    Collin Dow

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    Oh good God. Those're great, buck.

    Photobucket
    The best gift to give a woman is what she told you she wanted when she thought you weren't listening.
    Posted 3 years ago #
  23. bowhatchie

    bowhatchie

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    Good ones Buck!!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  24. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Posted 3 years ago #
  25. yoru

    yoru

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    That first ebaums world clip, the saturday night clip ( this one for ref http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/36250/) was great. Gave me a bit of headache trying to piece together that Spanish but worth it heh heh.

    The two actually recent jokes were a riot Buck n.n.

    Sincerely,

    Yoru
    Posted 3 years ago #
  26. jlee

    J Lee

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    From little miss J Lee:

    What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls around in the mud, and then crosses back across the road?

    A dirty double crosser.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  27. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    THE TOILET SEAT

    Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out.
    After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

    She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

    A bout that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
    They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
    Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.

    Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

    The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to
    free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this.)

    Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

    The Doctor replied, " Actually, I've seen lots of them. I've just never seen one mounted and framed."

    Posted 3 years ago #
  28. buck67

    buck67

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    Now You Know Your Tools

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
    metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
    flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which
    you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
    workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
    hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
    'Oh sh--!'

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
    blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
    touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
    your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
    If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
    welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
    objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
    wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
    you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
    under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
    good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
    can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
    everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or
    for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
    shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
    screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
    convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your
    palms.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
    you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
    as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
    object we are trying to hit. Also has the tendency to blacken finger nails.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
    cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
    such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
    magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
    for slicing work clothes and fingers in the way, but only while in use.

    SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab
    and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of
    your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

    Hope you found this informative. It's coupled with a community service
    project I am working on. There is no need to send me a thank you note.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  29. buck67

    buck67

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    Nudist Colony

    A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

    The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?'

    The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

    She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.

    It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

    Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

    Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.

    Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

    'You must be new,' answered the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

    The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

    'Here 's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

    'But Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'

    'Listen lady,' he replied, 'I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.

    I'm outta here.'

    Posted 3 years ago #
  30. unclearthur

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    Then there was the midget who was thrown out of the nudest colony because he always had his nose in everyone's business.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  31. buck67

    buck67

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    An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
    "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen. I've changed my will five times.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  32. buck67

    buck67

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    Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup. While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, “I don’t like the way he looks.” “Neither do I,” she said. “But he’s handy around the house.”

    Posted 3 years ago #
  33. kcvet67

    kcvet67

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    New Zealand Fire Fighters

    One dark night outside a small town near Christchurch , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

    When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, 'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give
    $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.'

    But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files.

    From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Maori rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
    Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

    Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
    It was a performance and effort never seen before.

    Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked
    over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters..

    The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

    'Well,' said Rangi, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that f***ing truck!'

    Posted 3 years ago #
  34. buck67

    buck67

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    Best Military Quote of the Day

    "When I joined the military it was a court martial offense to engage
    in homosexual activities;
    Then it became optional. I'm getting out before Obama makes it mandatory."

    ----Gunnery Sgt Harry Berres, USMC

    Posted 3 years ago #
  35. unclearthur

    unclearthur

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    An elderly gent goes to the Dr. He says Doc I have to have my sex drive lowered!!
    The Doctor says But Jed you are 91 years old , It's all in your head.
    Old Jed says . Yeah I know! That's why I need it lowered!!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  36. unclearthur

    unclearthur

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    And then there is the old boy who assaulted a young girl.
    He was convicted of assault with a dead weapon.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  37. igloo

    igloo

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    “There was an awful suspicion in my mind that I'd finally gone over the hump, and the worst thing about it was that I didn't feel tragic at all, but only weary, and sort of comfortably detached.”
    Posted 3 years ago #
  38. buck67

    buck67

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    A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise."
    The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
    Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
    slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
    before the lid slams back down.
    "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
    He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
    He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
    looking around before it slams down.
    Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
    happening,
    and demands an explanation.
    "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
    The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

    You're going to love this..................

    You're going to hate yourself for loving this!

    "Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"

    Posted 3 years ago #
  39. abecox

    abecox

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    If one wanted to, the graph of everything wrong I've done over time could be represented by a sin curve.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  40. patiobum

    patiobum

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    Here is a video of fishing bloopers.

    http://www.snotr.com/video/5987

    Posted 3 years ago #
  41. nyed001

    nyed001

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    This is one my mother sent to me.
    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

    Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

    The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

    The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

    The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I've Arrived
    Date: October 16, 2005

    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

    I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

    P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

    You call me crazy as if that is a bad thing.
    Posted 3 years ago #
  42. pstlpkr

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    An "Oldie but a Goodie"

    Posted 3 years ago #
  43. bubbadreier

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    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    Mason jars and bale top jars, mason jars and bale top jars.... that is all!

    "There’s truth in the statement that pipe tobacco will never be any less expensive than it is today, so think of your cellar as a cost averaged investment" - G.L. Pease
    Posted 3 years ago #
  44. hauntedmyst

    hauntedmyst

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    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    lol nice one!

    A tattoo on a beautiful woman is like graffiti on a Ferrari.
    Posted 3 years ago #
  45. bowhatchie

    bowhatchie

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    A five year old boy found himself lost at the mall.... after searching for his grandfather for a while he spied a mall security guard.... the small tyke approached him and said.. mister I have lost my Grandpa...oh year the guard say.. what's he like?
    the boy replied... Jack Daniels and women with big Boobs..

    Posted 3 years ago #
  46. bowhatchie

    bowhatchie

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    Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

    Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

    In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

    She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

    Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

    'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  47. pstlpkr

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    Nothing like a good drunk joke.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  48. ichbinmuede

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    Three-legged dog walks in to a bar.
    Dog says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

    Hah alright now a dirtier one.

    A man is sitting in his favourite bar having a nice cool beverage when this comely gal comes in. She looks around the room and spots him and knows she can make a buck off of him. So she walks over, puts her hand on his thigh, and whispers in his ear "If you give me $50 I'll do anything you want."

    Now the man is naturally put a little off balance but he starts thinking and a smile finds it's way on to his face.

    The man takes a fifty out of his wallet, leans in close, slips it in her back pocket, and whispers....

    "Paint my house."

    "Enjoy every sandwich." -Warren Zevon
    Best advice that I've ever heard.
    Posted 3 years ago #
  49. greggors

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    Everyone has prob heard this one but its so bad just wanted to say it.

    Two guys walk into a bar, third guy ducks...

    Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
    Posted 3 years ago #
  50. pstlpkr

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    Two guys walk into a bar, third guy ducks...

    That's my kinda joke!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  51. marmal4de

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    A dyslexic walks into a bra... Ouch!

    In a society that has destroyed all adventure, the only adventure left is to destroy that society.
    {o,o}
    |)__)
    Posted 3 years ago #
  52. collindow

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    A woman walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a drink.
    The bartender says, "get back in the kitchen."

    And a VERY racist joke from Gran Torino(great movie)...A mexican, an asian and a colored guy walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get the f--- out."

    Posted 3 years ago #
  53. pstlpkr

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    The War Department sent me this.
    Sorry Ladies it is a Male Sexist Pig Joke.

    Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women.
    #10. You can trade an old 45 for a new 22.
    #9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
    #8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he'll let you try it out a few times.
    #7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
    #6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo!
    #5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
    #4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
    #3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?
    #2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
    The number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

    #1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  54. jcsoldit

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

    As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.
    Posted 3 years ago #
  55. jcsoldit

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    Catholic Dog

    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

    Posted 3 years ago #
  56. hobie1dog

    hobie1dog

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    What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A battery has a positive side.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  57. pstlpkr

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    The Irish Millionaire.

    Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

    "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left phone a friend. "
    Everything is riding on this question..... Will you go for it?"

    "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

    "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

    a) Sparrow

    b) Thrush,

    c) Magpie,

    d) Cuckoo?"

    "I haven't got a clue." said Mick,''so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."

    Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

    "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple...... It's a cuckoo."

    "Are you sure?"

    "I'm fookin sure."

    Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

    "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

    "Dat it is, Sir."

    There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

    The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

    "Tell me, Paddy?
    How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

    "Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

    Posted 3 years ago #
  58. kashmir

    kashmir

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    Jesus! I've never laughed so hard and long in my life. Thanks I NEEDED that! Whew.

    The pipe eases you into the present moment - savor your pipe & you'll savor this moment.
    Posted 3 years ago #
  59. fullbent

    fullbent

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    A lot of people ask where the saying "You gotta be kiddin' me" came from. Here's the story behind it....

    Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats.It was extremely dark and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth. Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one their favorites.

    An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. After awhile, Washington and his men could go no further.

    One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

    General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

    The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.

    Washington spoke up, "Ma'am, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while.

    Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

    Washington said, "Well ma'am, there are thirty two of us without Peters."

    She looked at him and said: "You gotta be kiddin' me."

    "If you can't sent money, send tobacco."
    -George Washington to the Continental Congress, 1776
    Posted 3 years ago #
  60. pstlpkr

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    Posted 3 years ago #
  61. kashmir

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    Wow fullbent, that's HILARIOUS!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  62. capnbellamy

    capnbellamy

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    I only have dead baby/Maddy McCann jokes commited to memory, I'm afraid. And I'm fairly sure they exceed any decent limits. Some good laughs here though!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  63. fullbent

    fullbent

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    Spooning Leads To Forking

    Posted 3 years ago #
  64. User has not uploaded an avatar

    jaxpipesmoker

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    Once you know the facts it's understandable; 

    So Arnold approaches Maria and says  "Maria, the maid wants another raise, and Maria after a little thought says.... screw  her.  
       
    The rest is history 

    Posted 3 years ago #
  65. kashmir

    kashmir

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    Hey fullbent! Jeeze Louise: "Spooning Leads To Forkin" - that's a keeper. Priceless quote. I'm writing that one down!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  66. fullbent

    fullbent

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    Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
    > patients to operate on.
    >
    > The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on
    > my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside
    > is numbered."
    >
    > The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try
    > electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
    >
    > The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians
    > are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
    > The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like
    > construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have
    > a few parts left over."
    >
    > But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he
    > observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
    > There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the
    > head and the ass are interchangeable. "

    Posted 3 years ago #
  67. kashmir

    kashmir

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    Amen to that bro!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  68. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    fullbent

    Posted 3 years ago #
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    jaxpipesmoker

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    A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!

    A balding, (Pipe smoking) white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida , walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.''I know,' said the old man,'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

    Posted 3 years ago #
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    jaxpipesmoker

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    I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

    She could sense I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a Professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out myself."

    I said, "My wife claims my d*ck tastes funny..."

    Posted 3 years ago #

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