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The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

(473 posts)
  • Started 4 years ago by pipegangster
  • Latest reply from thesmokingtexan
  1. buck67

    buck67

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    I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
    needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
    gas with the beat of the music.

    After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
    ...and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

    Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  2. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    For all us "Cow Pasture Pool Players".

    A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
    Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
    That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
    Kind of makes you proud doesn't it?


    "Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put." Winston Churchill
    View Lawrence  Whitcomb's profile on LinkedIn
    Posted 4 years ago #
  3. buck67

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    In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

    In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  4. robs

    robs

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    As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

    Harold Schlumberg is such a person.

    I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?

    "Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine."

    Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.

    Communicating via this internet malarkey is an ideal way for me to socialise with YOU, the great unwashed and uneducated, whilst keeping you all at a distance. Tones it down you see?
    Posted 4 years ago #
  5. excav8tor

    excav8tor

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    Did you here about the Agnostic, Dyslexic, Insomniac, that lay awake one night thinking 'Is there really a Dog'!

    "A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth." - C.S. Lewis
    Posted 4 years ago #
  6. admin

    Kevin

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    LOL excav8tor.

    Check Out Our - Pipes Podcast
    Posted 4 years ago #
  7. mlaug

    mlaug

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    INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE

    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
    Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
    judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
    moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
    directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

    I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
    wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
    beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    _________________________________________________________

    CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
    paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
    that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    _________________________________________________________

    CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.

    FRANK: This should be labeled "Keep out of the reach of children". I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
    give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
    __________________________________________________________

    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
    have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now: get me more
    beer before I ignite. I think I stopped breathing. A huge barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
    I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
    ____________________________________________________________

    CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Note: I wish Judge Three would stop screaming. Its very distracting.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
    standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
    look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
    aphrodisiac?

    _______________________________________________________

    CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very Impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
    no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
    had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
    beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
    It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    Screw those rednecks!
    ________________________________________________________

    CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
    and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    Superb.

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
    slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
    anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
    ___________________________________________________

    CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
    cursing uncontrollably.

    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
    feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
    it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
    damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
    any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
    hole in my stomach.
    ____________________________________________________

    CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
    not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
    hot.

    Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
    out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
    if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
    really hot chili?

    "America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards." - Claire Wolfe
    Posted 4 years ago #
  8. dudleydipstick

    dudleydipstick

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    Ha Ha.

    Wonder how that guy would handle a visit to my kitchen.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  9. buck67

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    dudley, nice collection. My wife and I picked our jalepenos yesterday. We stuffed some with cheddar and baked for a few minutes and stuffed the rest with ranch dressing. Good stuff with homemade potato soup and grilled cheese sandwich. Just one suggestion, always wear gloves when cleaning. I found out the hard way recently while cleaning a batch. Everything, and I mean everything, that I touched was on fire!!!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  10. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    Hey Dudley... What time's supper?
    Looks like a good side salad, what's the main course?

    Posted 4 years ago #
  11. dudleydipstick

    dudleydipstick

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    Pstlpkr wrote:

    Hey Dudley... What time's supper?
    Looks like a good side salad, what's the main course?

    With some of those bad boys, it doesn't matter what the meal is, it just tastes like burn.

    Buck67 wrote:

    Just one suggestion, always wear gloves when cleaning. I found out the hard way recently while cleaning a batch. Everything, and I mean everything, that I touched was on fire!!!

    I definitely know what you mean...about everything. Chopping them up when they're dried is even worse, since the concentrated oils stick around longer.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  12. spacecowboy57

    spacecowboy57

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    my buddy told me about his dad's view on smoking when he invited me over to tell me about the pipe he puchased on ebay.
    his dad said: "son if i ever catch you smoking ANYTHING i'm gonna take it and shove it up your ass"
    so my bud tells me "I have decided to buy a smaller pipe"

    Posted 4 years ago #
  13. spacecowboy57

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    so i got a bottle of blaire's "jersey death sauce" which is a very nice habanero sauce that i bought to spice up my kraft mac and cheese (spongebob of course). anyway, we were all putting it on oyster crackers and daring eachother to try it, when the fat kid from upstairs showed up. upon realizing that we were eating food, he immediately insisted on having some crackers with hotsauce because he's a food addicted lard ass. we told him it was spicy and he, pretending to be a macho man said "bring it on you pu$$!e$ i LOVE spicy food!". we gave him one (with a drop of hotsauce) and he started convulsing, then ran to the bathroom and puked. then he cried.

    okay, so it's not a joke, but now we get to rip on him for quite awhile which is funny for us.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  14. collindow

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    I have a couple.
    First joke:
    A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
    hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see
    him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The
    bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"

    "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

    "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's
    arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

    "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

    The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
    when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.

    "Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my
    life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

    "That's great," said the surgeon.

    "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
    I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
    landscapes in watercolors"

    "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant
    was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

    "Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "everytime I get an erection,
    I also get a headache."

    Second Joke:
    The Five Questions Most Feared by Men:

    1. What are you thinking about?

    2. Do you love me?

    3. Do I look fat in this?

    4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

    5. What would you do if I died?

    What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode
    into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a
    public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

    Question #1: What are you thinking about?

    The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
    reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman
    you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

    This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,
    which most likely is one of the following:

    a. "Football."

    b. "Golf."

    c. "How fat you are."

    d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died."

    Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg,
    "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

    Question #2: Do you love me?

    The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

    Inappropriate responses include:

    a. "Oh yeah, shitloads."

    b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?"

    c. "That depends on what you mean by love."

    d. "Does it matter?"

    e. "Who, me?"

    Question #3: Do I look fat in this?

    The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

    Incorrect answers are:

    a. "Compared to what?"

    b. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin."

    c. "A little extra weight looks good on you."

    d. "I've seen fatter."

    e. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."

    Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

    Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

    Incorrect responses include:

    a. "Yes, but you have a better personality."

    b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner."

    c. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age."

    d. "Define pretty."

    e. "Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would
    spend the insurance money if you died."

    Question #5: What would you do if I died?

    A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat with the insurance money.")

    No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

    Woman: Would you get married again?

    Man: Definitely not!

    Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?

    Man: Of course I do.

    Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

    Man: Okay, I'd get married again.

    Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)

    Man: (audible groan)

    Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

    Man: Where else would we sleep?

    Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

    Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

    Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

    Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.

    Woman: (silence)

    Man: Shit.

    Photobucket
    The best gift to give a woman is what she told you she wanted when she thought you weren't listening.
    Posted 4 years ago #
  15. spacecowboy57

    spacecowboy57

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    what would you do if i died? "i would cry every night and visit your grave just to talk to your spirit."
    of course that would be difficult when i am touring the country in my ferrari with my hot new mail order bride.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  16. dudleydipstick

    dudleydipstick

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    Spacecowboy57 wrote:

    so i got a bottle of blaire's "jersey death sauce" which is a very nice habanero sauce that i bought to spice up my kraft mac and cheese (spongebob of course). anyway, we were all putting it on oyster crackers and daring eachother to try it, when the fat kid from upstairs showed up. upon realizing that we were eating food, he immediately insisted on having some crackers with hotsauce because he's a food addicted lard ass. we told him it was spicy and he, pretending to be a macho man said "bring it on you pu$$!e$ i LOVE spicy food!". we gave him one (with a drop of hotsauce) and he started convulsing, then ran to the bathroom and puked. then he cried.

    okay, so it's not a joke, but now we get to rip on him for quite awhile which is funny for us.

    I've got a story that's nearly the same. A buddy of mine came over one night for a few beers and I had some Blair's After Death sauce and Fritos w/ bean dip. I was putting on one drop at a time and didn't mention how hot the sauce was. He thought one drop was for wusses and despite my warning, he put on about a 1/4 teaspoon or so on one chip. As soon as he got it down he had the hiccups for about 15 min. all the while saying I'm a bastard.

    Good times.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  17. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    LOL!!!

    You're my kinda guy Dudley....
    If you are ever in this part of the country, we will have to run up to Cullman, and have some wings in the Downtown Grill. They are great! And, if you live they give you tee shirt....

    Edit: PS If I say that the food is "a little spicy" nobody in my family will touch it.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  18. unclearthur

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    When I was a lead cook some years back we were prepping some pretty hot peppers. I had a rather inexperienced young fellow helping me. He said he needed to run up to the bathroom. I told him BE SURE YOU WASH YOUR HANDS FIRST!! To make a long story short I found him in the bathroom in tears! Seems the warning went unheeded.

    If at first you don't succeed you are running about average.
    Posted 4 years ago #
  19. dudleydipstick

    dudleydipstick

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    Pstlpkr wrote:


    If you are ever in this part of the country, we will have to run up to Cullman, and have some wings in the Downtown Grill. They are great! And, if you live they give you tee shirt....

    Edit: PS If I say that the food is "a little spicy" nobody in my family will touch it.

    I looked that up. One look at this and I can tell it's my kinda joint!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  20. ernest

    ernest

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    Thats paint stripper.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  21. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    I was the first one ever to ask for more...

    Posted 4 years ago #
  22. ernest

    ernest

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    I think,for me,The best one was the Grandpa urinating on the desk.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  23. ernest

    ernest

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    Then again,if one could memorize the one that malaug sent in "Inexperienced Chili Judge",You could really get peoples guts hurting with laughter if you were in the right place at the right time.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  24. colonelmcmuf

    colonelmcmuf

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    Not really a joke, but this has had me laughing for days.

    Edit:wrong image

    "Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight. Gotta kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight!"
    Posted 4 years ago #
  25. dudleydipstick

    dudleydipstick

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    Perry Bible Fellowship Comics

    Posted 4 years ago #
  26. collindow

    Collin Dow

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    Nice one dudley; The Perry Bible Fellowship is amazing. Which makes me wonder if he has a new comic up...
    Edit: Darnit, nope. If you've never heard of the Fellowship before though, it's worth the time to go through the archives. Perry Bible Fellowship

    Posted 4 years ago #
  27. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    This is true:

    My wife said: "Men are all the same no matter what age they are."

    I asked my 4 year old nephew what he wanted for Christmas this year.
    He loves the movie Toy Story...

    He said: "All I want for Christmas is a Buzz and a Woody."

    Nuff said.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  28. unclearthur

    unclearthur

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    OOOOOOOOOOKAY!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  29. greggors

    greggors

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    A gentleman was sunbathing in the nude when he saw a little girl coming towards him, and hurriedly covered himself up with the newspaper he was reading.

    The girl came up to him and asked: "What that's sticking up under your paper, mister?"
    "Er, um — A bird," the man replied. The little girl walked away and the man soon fell asleep.

    When he woke up, he found himself in hospital in agonising pain with a policeman sitting by the side of his bed. The policeman asked him what had happened.
    "I have no idea," replied the man. "I was sunbathing on the nudist beach when a little girl in a blue dress came over and asked me what I had under my paper."
    "Under your paper?" asked the policeman.
    "Well — I, er covered myself up with the paper when I saw the little girl, officer. The next thing I knew I woke up here with terrible pains in my groin."

    The Policeman went back to the beach, where he finally located the little girl, and asked her what she had done to the man.
    After a little pause, the little girl replied, "To him? Nothing. When the man fell asleep I thought I'd take a peek at his bird. I was playing with it when it suddenly jumped up and spat at me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

    Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
    Posted 3 years ago #
  30. reddazes

    reddazes

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    Skipping my list of terribly politically incorrect and offensive jokes....

    Joke one:

    A truck driver is sitting in a restaurant enjoying a pancake breakfast when a gang of bikers come in. After a while they begin to taunt the trucker for his 'unmanly' choice of breakfast fare. When they can't get a rise out of him, one big biker walks over and spits in his coffee. Another biker comes over and puts his cigarette out on the truckers pancakes. And the third biker dumps the coffee onto the truckers plate. The trucker says nothing, thanks the waitress, pays his bill and leaves. The bikers sit back down and one says.
    "That guy sure wasn't much of a man."
    The waitress walks over to their table and says "Not much of a driver either, he just backed over a bunch of Harley's"

    ~Don't get mad, get even~

    Joke 2

    After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

    The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

    The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

    The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies

    "Well, I figured, if you fellas aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

    "The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read." ~Mark Twain~
    --
    "Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself."-Walt Whitman: Song of Myself
    Posted 3 years ago #
  31. classicgeek

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    LOL! Good ones.

    Skipping my list of terribly politically incorrect and offensive jokes....

    Have you read the rest of this thread? buck67's one about the iPod and the top of this page still makes my laugh. Bring it on!

    Simon

    Posted 3 years ago #
  32. pstlpkr

    Lawrence

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    I'm cursed today. I now have 8 women in the house.
    Don't get me wrong, I love women.

    So, when asked if I minded making a trip to the ATM, I swiftly consented.
    I drive to the ATM with no drama. Then......
    The line of 4 cars moving well...I'm #5.
    The car in front of me (#4) pulls up to the ATM.
    The door opens out steps a woman.
    She puts her purse on the top of the ATM and rumages for her card.
    She finds it, and puts her wallet into the purse, and the purse back into the car.
    She puts her card into the ATM, retrieves it, opens her car door, takes her purse out, places it on top of the ATM, finds her wallet, puts the card into the wallet, puts the wallet back into her purse, put the purse back into the car...
    Attempts to enter her PIN.... (I assume a flag was thrown for Delay of Game)....

    Soooooo....

    She opens her car door and retrieves her purse... again...
    She puts her purse on the top of the ATM and rumages for her card.
    She finds it, and puts her wallet into the purse, and the purse back into the car.
    She puts her card in, retrieves it, opens her car door, takes her purse out, places on top of the ATM, finds her wallet, puts the card into the wallet, puts the wallet back into her purse, put the purse back into the car...

    She enters her PIN, and this time (The coach having giving her a do-over) actually retrieves some cash...
    She retrieves her purse from the car puts it on the ATM and proceeds to put the money and the receipt into her wallet, the wallet into the purse, the purse into the car, she actually gets into the car, buckles up, starts the car, puts it into gear, and drives off into infamy.

    Women and ATMs gotta' lov'em.

    Here she is:

    Posted 3 years ago #
  33. bytor

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    Jeez...I'm pretty sure my head would have exploded watching that.

    This is exactly why I avoid drive-up anything if at all possible. I would much rather park and go inside.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  34. cortezattic

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    What frightens me most is that this bimbo idiot is allowed to drive a car!

    Well, look at it this way... the upside is that she didn't need the braille embossed in the ATM's faceplate.

    I find myself sitting idly on the line dividing past and future,
    as if I could kill time without injuring eternity. -- Thoreau
    Posted 3 years ago #
  35. greggors

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    wow kinda defeats the purpose of a drive through! XD

    Posted 3 years ago #
  36. pstlpkr

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    It was just too funny to get perturbed.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  37. greggors

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    a few oldies but goodies =D

    A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

    His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

    The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
    _______________________________________________________________________________________

    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

    The Russians used a pencil.
    _______________________________________________________________________________________

    A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

    The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

    Posted 3 years ago #
  38. dd951

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    Yesterday I went to my heart doctor,
    I was sitting in the room when she came in
    she ask me to stand up
    she walked behind me and tapped me A couple of times on the back with her fingers
    then she ask me to take A couple of deep breaths while she listened
    she walked in front of me and said
    jerry, you are going to have to stop masterbating
    I ask her why,
    she said, because I am trying to examine you.

    Born Again Heathern
    Posted 3 years ago #
  39. searock

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    A sadist and a masocist met on the street. The masocist said "Hit me.", the sadist said "I won't".

    Posted 3 years ago #
  40. kcvet67

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    The Logic of the Great Whites:
    Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.
    "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship.
    "First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
    "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
    "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
    When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
    His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

    "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants."
    -- Thomas Jefferson
    Posted 3 years ago #
  41. seakayak

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    A woman is walking up the street with a duck under her arm. A man approaches and asks, "Where did you get the pig?" The woman says, "It's not a pig. It's a duck." The man says, "I know. I was talking to the duck."

    Posted 3 years ago #
  42. reddazes

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    It's a long one...I apologize. It was something I got in a chain e-mail a long time ago and it made me laugh till I cried... I hope you enjoy it too..

    ------------
    My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
    Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out-way too cool!
    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that?
    Seemed reasonable to me at the time. . .

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

    Friggin' way; trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight; always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT!

    DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Venturaran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, Please do it again!" (Note: if you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
    Film at eleven....
    By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself.
    Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back...

    Posted 3 years ago #
  43. kcvet67

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    I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
    We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
    I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
    The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors green, red, orange, and blue.
    My dad kept staring at her.
    The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
    When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
    Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
    In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid "Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

    Posted 3 years ago #
  44. bowhatchie

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    Posted 3 years ago #
  45. patiobum

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    A heartwarming example of a Texan trying to help.

    I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River near Laredo this morning.
    He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.With him was an illegal Hispanic.
    He too, was struggling to stay afloat because of the backpack of drugs strapped to his back.
    If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown!
    I, being a responsible citizen, informed the Webb County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.
    It is now 4pm and they still haven't responded.
    I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...

    cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.......

    martin
    Posted 3 years ago #
  46. pstlpkr

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    Posted 3 years ago #
  47. buck67

    buck67

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    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
    She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
    After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
    The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
    "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

    Posted 3 years ago #
  48. buck67

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    A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside. Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone starts inside chanting, Fourteen! Fourtee! Fourteen!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  49. buck67

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    A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact. The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." The man downed half the bottle. The woman would not... take it and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  50. seakayak

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    Q. What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
    A. A porcupine has all the little pricks on the outside.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  51. collin

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    A skeleton walks into a bar.....orders a beer...and a mop.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  52. bjeorn

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    here in england we used to have an empire (that was run by an emperor)
    then we had a kingdom (that was run by king)

    now we have a country.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  53. pstlpkr

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    Bjeorn....

    Posted 3 years ago #
  54. cortezattic

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    Bjeorn, love that one!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  55. pstlpkr

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    Caution Politically Incorrect!!!!!

    The Pope and Nancy Pelosi were on the same stage,
    in Yankee Stadium, in front of a huge crowd.

    The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said,
    "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make
    every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

    Mrs. Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand? Show me."

    So the Pope backhanded the witch and knocked her right off the stage!

    The crowd instantly roared & cheered wildly!

    . . . . Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

    Posted 3 years ago #
  56. bhpdrew

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    I'm stealing that one.

    “The will to survive is not as important as the will to prevail... the answer to criminal aggression is retaliation.” - Jeff Cooper
    “Hoplophobia is a mental disturbance characterized by irrational aversion to weapons, as opposed to justified apprehension about those who may wield them.”
    – To Ride, Shoot Straight, and Speak the Truth
    Posted 3 years ago #
  57. pstlpkr

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    [+] Embed the video | Video DownloadGet the Flash Videos

    Posted 3 years ago #
  58. admin

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    The funniest thing about the Google Maps video is that some people will probably believe it.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  59. pstlpkr

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    I love the door-creak in the background.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  60. jsharp

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    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

    The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

    The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

    The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Ticked off at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

    'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

    Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

    'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He dang near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his pecker over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

    Posted 3 years ago #
  61. classicgeek

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    @jsharp: good thing I'd swallowed my coffee by the time I finished that one. Would have been all over the monitor.

    Simon

    Posted 3 years ago #
  62. menckenite

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    Nice one jsharp.

    This is an old one:

    Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta.
    One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
    Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
    Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drinkjet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT!
    NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
    Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
    Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
    Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
    Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing.
    We ought to do this more often."
    "Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
    "What's that?"
    "Have you farted yet?"
    "No....."
    "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

    Pics of my pipes & stuff: http://photobucket.com/menckenite
    Posted 3 years ago #
  63. kcvet67

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    If you cross the North Korean border illegally, you get 12 years hard labor.
    If you cross the Iranian border illegally, you are detained indefinitely.
    If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot.
    If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally, you will be jailed.
    If you cross the Chinese border illegally, you may never be heard from again.
    If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally, you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.
    If you cross the Mexican border illegally, you will be thrown into a political prison to rot.
    If you cross the U.S. border illegally, you get: 1. the right to carry your country's flag while you protest that you don't get enough respect.
    2. a job,
    3. a drivers license,
    4. a social security card,
    5. welfare,
    6. food stamps,
    7. credit cards,
    8. subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house,
    9. free education,
    10. free health care,
    11. a lobbyist in Washington,
    12. billions of dollars worth of public documents printed in your language,

    Posted 3 years ago #
  64. patiobum

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    MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

    One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
    "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
    "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet.." was the shop owner's reply.
    The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
    The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
    "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
    "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
    So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
    The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
    The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

    "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

    Posted 3 years ago #
  65. searock

    searock

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    Posted 3 years ago #
  66. buck67

    buck67

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    Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
    Door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
    Old green John Deere.

    Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
    The right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
    Shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
    Down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
    Both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
    Underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
    Hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

    Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing,
    Billy Bob?"

    "Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
    Embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in
    The bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to
    A tractor'."

    Posted 3 years ago #
  67. bowhatchie

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    Patiobums parrot joke made me think of this one...

    A son was working with the peace core in South America and was trying to come up with the perfect gift for his aging and rather rural parents.... he found a beautiful Parrot that spoke in 3 languages... he went to all the trouble of having the bird with cage sent to his parents back in the states... hoping it would be a wonderful Christmas surprise and add some fun and companionship to his aging parents.... the day after Christmas he called his parents and his dad answered the phone.... Dad..did you get the bird? Indeed we did replied the father... well what about it inquired the son... why it was delicious replied the dad... mom cooked it up with stuffing and sweet potatoes.. it was tender and wonderful.... Oh my Gosh said the son... Dad that Bird talked in 3 languages!!! Well he should have said something said the Dad.....

    Posted 3 years ago #
  68. buck67

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    As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

    1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

    2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

    3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about. .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

    This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

    4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

    5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
    In conclusion -
    If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  69. bubbadreier

    Bubba

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    Buck, I now know how my kids will learn Santa is not real!

    Mason jars and bale top jars, mason jars and bale top jars.... that is all!

    "There’s truth in the statement that pipe tobacco will never be any less expensive than it is today, so think of your cellar as a cost averaged investment" - G.L. Pease
    Posted 3 years ago #
  70. searock

    searock

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    Politically Correct Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
    How to live in a world that's politically correct?

    His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,"
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

    And labor conditions at the north pole
    Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

    Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
    Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

    And equal employment had made it quite clear
    That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

    So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
    Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

    The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
    The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

    And people had started to call for the cops
    When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

    Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
    His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

    And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
    Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

    And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
    Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

    So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
    Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

    Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
    Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

    And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
    That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

    Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
    Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

    Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
    Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

    Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
    Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

    Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
    Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.

    No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
    Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

    And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
    Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

    For they raised the hackles of those psychological
    Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

    No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
    Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

    Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
    And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

    So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
    He just could not figure out what to do next.

    He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
    But you've got to be careful with that word today.

    His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
    Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

    Something special was needed, a gift that he might
    Give to all without angering the left or the right.

    A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
    Each group of people, every religion;

    Every ethnicity, every hue,
    Everyone, everywhere...even you.

    So here is that gift, its price beyond worth...
    "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

    Posted 3 years ago #

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