Some thoughts on raising kids, inspired by undecagon's recent thread

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grafikchaos

Starting to Get Obsessed
Feb 12, 2012
166
0
Chapin, SC
This is something that I want to share, and it is inspired by undecagon's thread here
Growing up, I was the youngest of three. My oldest sister pretty much flew under the radar, never really embracing anything as far as extracurricular activities go. My other sister, however, aside from being the smartest of us three, really got into playing music at a young age. She chose the trumpet for 6th grade band, and to put it in perspective, she was playing "Silent Night" on the thing within the first 48 hours of receiving her instrument. Needless to say, she had the gift of music.
Flash forward four years, and my parents asked me if I wanted to start band in 6th grade. I said sure, not knowing what to expect, but I knew my sister really loved it and a large portion of her life revolved around it. I got her first trumpet as a hand me down, and started band that year. Little did I know that I absolutely hated the trumpet. Getting a good reliable sound of the thing was frustrating to say the least, and the thing smelled horrible. Brass polish, spit valves, ugh, I hated it.
That first day, there was only one thing that really turned my crank, and that was the drums. Going to my sister's band competitions, I had always thought the drummers were cooler than everyone else. It seemed like when they entered the "pocket" and played perfectly, the rest of the band followed suit and played perfectly as well. They were the heartbeat of any good performance. After my less than desirable experience with the trumpet, I knew what I wanted to do, and that was play the drums.
After a couple of weeks of me struggling to get to grips with the trumpet, and failing miserably, I went to my parents with it and told them I wanted to switch to the drums. I love music, and I always knew I had a little bit of a knack for it, not like my sister mind you, but I learned how it worked and thought it would be something I would love to explore.
Well, let me tell you, my parents weren't having any of that. I specifically remember being told that I needed to learn a "real" instrument, like the trumpet, like my sister. They simply refused to let me switch, and completely disregarded my feelings for wanting to smash that trumpet against the wall and render it incapable of ever producing a musical sound ever again. Well, I didn't do that, thankfully. My parents would've killed me. But I did do the next best (worst?) thing I could, and that was quit band altogether. I regret doing that now, but I also regret the confrontation with my parents about it, and their unwillingness to compromise. I'm sure the main things they were thinking about centered on the racket a snare drum makes, and that you don't really "learn" music, both of which are completely unfounded. You see, they make practice pads of rubber or similar materials that give the feel of playing a snare, without the noise. Also, in percussion, there are notes, and you do actually learn music. There are countless instruments within the classification of percussion that you have to learn notes and pitches, and any well rounded percussionist learns these through the course of instruction.
Again, flash forward to my young adulthood. One of my good friends was the leader of the drumline in our high school marching band, and all throughout school, he always tried to get me to join, needing another bass drummer. Well, going into our senior year, I finally gave in and joined up playing one of two bass drums. Man, what fun I had. I met some really fantastic people, and went to some great parties. It was massive amounts of fun. I graduated high school, absolutely in love with playing music. A couple of years later, I purchased my first actual drum kit, and started playing. I had a few friends that were playing music, guitar and bass, and we also had a love of heavy metal. I was, and am still a metalhead through and through. We got together and started jamming. Oh man, words cannot describe the feeling of playing music with other people, and actually writing songs and trying new things. Since the guys I was playing with had already learned their instruments, and I was still learning, it accelerated my learning curve to a degree. Because of jamming with them, and eventually playing together as a band, I learned a lot about music.
Eventually, our band broke up, and I jammed around town with some other people here and there, but never really captured that feeling again. In the middle of all of that, one day my dad and I were outside, shooting the breeze, just enjoying each other's company. He looked at me, with my long hair and ripped jeans, and said to me, "you know, you've gotten pretty good at playing the drums. I've heard you and your friends, and while I don't care for the music, I'm surprised that you do so well playing together. I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you about playing the drums when you were younger. I can't imagine how good you would be now if we had let you do that." Well, needless to say, my father and I closed a chapter of hurt feelings and resentment on that day. I told him that it was okay. What's done is done and we can't change any of it.
To this day, I also wonder how good I could have become, or how my life may have gone into some different directions if my parents had relented and let me do something that I had wanted to do, and not something that they had wanted me to do. Which brings me back to undecagon's thread. In it, aside from some of the wonderful tobacco's he was smoking in honor of entering grad school on a percussion degree, he made me think about some of my earlier years, and some of the regret that was caused primarily by ignorance. And also how happy I am to see someone with a passion for drums and percussion actually making something of that love and pushing forward toward a career in that field.
Listen to your kids, and try to support them when they want to make shifts or try different things. Educate yourselves on exactly what it is they are wanting to do, and help them steer a productive course within that desire.
Sorry it was so long to get to my point. This is just something that has been sitting on my chest for a bit, and wanted to share with some people other than just my wife.

 

judcole

Lifer
Sep 14, 2011
7,149
32,928
Detroit
Glad you were able to vent, Grafik. Kids are people, not avenues to fulfill their parents' expectations. Unfortunately too many folks don't understand that. It sounds like you have learned the lesson, which will be helpful to you when you have kids of your own.

 

grafikchaos

Starting to Get Obsessed
Feb 12, 2012
166
0
Chapin, SC
Lesson learned and already applied Jud. I have some great kids, and they are each different, and love their own things, and I do everything I can to support them in their dreams. I want others out there to learn from it, and hopefully not make some of the same mistakes.

 

bentmike

Lifer
Jan 25, 2012
2,422
37
Yes great story grafik. I remember when I tried out for band I wanted to play the flute. (even way back then I was a huge Jethro Tull fan) At the meeting with the band director and my parents the guy hinted around that by playing the flute I would find myself with the girls. Like an idiot I failed to see the potential benefits of that. :lol: Yielding to that line of thinking I settled on the sax and played for about a year before giving it up. Yep I regret quitting sometimes but I soon found the guitar and have been letting the music get out through that instrument ever since.
Now my son (11 yrs old) is playing the sax. He sure sounds better at it than I remember myself being. He says he likes it and wants to continue so we will continue to encourage him.
Cool story about how your dad settled up in the end. Thanks for sharing.

 

pstlpkr

Lifer
Dec 14, 2009
9,694
31
Birmingham, AL
Grafikchaos it does look like a long read... But, it's not.

It is a great read.
If you want to improve... go get yourself a good thick (serious) practice book.

Don't buy one with an exciting cover, buy a good dull looking legitimate advanced rudiments book.

Learn all of the rudiments. When you can play through that book from memory, without mistakes you will be ready to perform.

Work your practice pad an hour every day. Play "music" after you have warmed up for that hour.
And as for the "countless instruments within the classification of percussion"... I play one of those. The piano...

"Great art flows from a relaxed technique rooted in kinesthetic memory." Branislav Opaic (Five time Belgrade Mozart Competition Champion and my piano teacher.) By that he meant: When your muscles know what they are to do, let them do it. All you have to do is listen to the music pouring forth.
My first degree... Bachelor of Art Music Theory and Composition, Piano primary, Voice Secondary, with Percussion, String, Woodwind, and Brass Pedagogies

 

philip

Lifer
Oct 13, 2011
1,705
6
Puget Sound
Well, needless to say, my father and I closed a chapter of hurt feelings and resentment on that day.

That's nice. It's amazing how many people don't get an opportunity to close that chapter.

 

grafikchaos

Starting to Get Obsessed
Feb 12, 2012
166
0
Chapin, SC
Baron: Holy shit, it was never that bad for me, but I had friends who had parents like that. I just don't get the mentality of some people.
Lawrence: But alas, my drumming days are pretty much over. I have a practice pad and some sticks around here somewhere, but I'm so busy with work and coaching my daughter's soccer team, I have little time to devote to drumming. I had to sell my last drum kit a few years back just to make rent. Things are better now financially, and one day, I'll probably buy a new kit and find some other old geezers to jam with, just for grins.

 

judcole

Lifer
Sep 14, 2011
7,149
32,928
Detroit
Lesson learned and already applied Jud. I have some great kids, and they are each different, and love their own things, and I do everything I can to support them in their dreams. I want others out there to learn from it, and hopefully not make some of the same mistakes.
Good man.

 

baronsamedi

Lifer
May 4, 2011
5,688
5
Dallas
grafikchaos: I hear you. I had to sell all my gear to pay bills while I was in Mortuary school and serving out my apprenticeship. I'm finally back on track and buying up new musical gear. I'm either going to get an acoustic guitar or work on my bass rig next. I can best describe my time of not being able to play music as utterly miserable. People who don't play don't understand the healing that simply learning or writing a new song can bring.

 
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