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One Of The Funniest Essays On Pipe Smoking I Have Ever Read

(28 posts)
  • Started 3 years ago by bpftc
  • Latest reply from Philo Beddoe
  1. bpftc

    bpftc

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    Not sure if this has been passed around here but I recently read it and laughed out loud. Worth a read if you haven't

    The Gentleman's Guide To Smoking A Pipe (Without Looking Like A Hipster)

    “I believe that pipe smoking contributes to a somewhat calm and objective judgement in all human affairs, unless you’re wearing an ironic t-shirt and playing badminton – then you just look like a pussy.”
    Posted 3 years ago #
  2. foolwiththefez

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    Why is it that all the beginner guides I read recommend against corncobs? I'll maintain that a MM corncob is the perfect starter pipe. Hell, half the time I light mine up I want to remove the qualifier from that phrase.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  3. sjfine

    sjfine

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    Neat piece. Entertaining and not too far off the mark.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  4. 1adsarge

    CyclingSargentBeardface

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    I loved it! Thanks for sharing

    Cheers
    Jared

    Posted 3 years ago #
  5. blackmouth

    blackmouth

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    About equal parts "entertainment" and "educational". Not bad if taken with a grain of salt. Thanks for sharing.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  6. averagegent

    averagegent

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    I have come across that before, but every time I rediscover it, the laughing starts all over again!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  7. cosmicfolklore

    Cosmic

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    Ha, and it goes to further my suspicions that anti-hipster propaganda is all started and controlled by hipsters who want us to all to hate them. I know, I know, it doesn't make sense at first. It's just as stupid as Al Qaeda wanting us to hate them. ...along those same lines anyways. Otherwise, we all wouldn't give a rat's ass about them.

    But yeh, corn cobs, ha ha ha!

    Michael
    Posted 3 years ago #
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    frozenchurchwarden

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    This sounds like something written by someone who hasn't smoked a pipe very long, and it's actually quite pretentious. The article is filled with regurgitated common opinion on top of personal preference. Not that I can blame him, if I were to attempt something similar you'd read a lot of words about how great Ennerdale is.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  9. jackswilling

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    A lot of contemporary writing seems strained/snarky, and this is no exception. The advice seems generally useful/solid, but I agree, who are these people who diss the cob. Makes no sense and makes me question most everything they say. This is funny, and aimed at someone like me:

    "Not every pipe-man carries a combative attitude, let’s be clear, but plenty seem to have forum avatars of an eagle or The Declaration of Independence, and they sign every post with a quotation about blood and trees and liberty or some shit. Listen to the friendly kinds of help on the boards and let the others go back to weaving fishing lures and hating our black president."

    Actually some very sound advice. BTW, I love the Rainbow Flag sticker on his Subaru.

    "Had his shooting been as good as his running, he might have given a better account of himself."
    James. C. Henderson
    Posted 3 years ago #
  10. foolwiththefez

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    This sounds like something written by someone who hasn't smoked a pipe very long, and it's actually quite pretentious

    I agree with this. It seems like his "aro hate" is what he expects the cool kids to want to hear.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  11. stvalentine

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    hahaha, that´s hilarious!

    "Ride it like you stole it!"

    The Old Swede
    Posted 3 years ago #
  12. samcoffeeman

    samcoffeeman

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    This is awesome! Thanks for sharing!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  13. lifesizehobbit

    lifesizehobbit

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    Too funny.

    But hey, I ride a Vespa to work in the non-freezing weather months. The savings on gas lets me afford pipes (about 90 mpg on my 150cc 4-stroke). Pipe snobs...what are you gonna do?

    Dave "Black Frigate Stowaway"
    Posted 3 years ago #
  14. cobguy

    Darin

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    ... and I strongly recommend you don’t buy a five dollar corn cob pipe (though they can make for a good smoke).

    I strongly agree with this as well ... it must be a Missouri Meerschaum and you should spend at least $8.75!

    Posted 3 years ago #
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    frozenchurchwarden

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    Better yet, buy ten Cobs at $3.39 each in a Grab Bag and you have a full rotation for the same price as one regular pipe.

    (And if one mush have Briar I can't think of anything better than the Briarworks Classic line.)

    Posted 3 years ago #
  16. danielplainview

    dave g

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    All I have to say is blood, trees, and liberty. Get off my lawn.

    Make aromatics great again.
    Posted 3 years ago #
  17. davet

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    Couldn't finish it, three or four paragraphs was more than enough for me.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  18. skraps

    skrapsoftobacco

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    LOL, the comments here are priceless, some of them just confirming what he wrote.

    "People are not made better by a briar. An idiot before smoking a pipe is still an idiot after smoking a pipe, they're just more likely to speak less drivel with something in their mouth. For that, all society should be grateful."

    - Bob Runowski
    Posted 3 years ago #
  19. ssavarimuthu

    ssavarimuthu

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    Haha! That's great.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  20. clickklick

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    Refreshing! Although if you have an actual tobacconist that isn't just a glorified head shop clerk, lazy ass is not a term I would use to describe them.

    Hobbyist Pipemaker - Carmette Pipes
    Posted 3 years ago #
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    Anonymous

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    An older one (and perennial favorite) by A. A. Milne (author of Winnie the Pooh)

    "Smoking as a Fine Art" (1920)

    My first introduction to Lady Nicotine was at the innocent age of eight, when, finding a small piece of somebody else’s tobacco lying unclaimed on the ground, I decided to experiment with it. Numerous desert island stories had told me that the pangs of hunger could be allayed by chewing tobacco; it was thus that the hero staved off death before discovering the bread-fruit tree. Every right-minded boy of eight hopes to be shipwrecked one day, and it was proper that I should find out for myself whether my authorities could be trusted in this matter. So I chewed tobacco. In the sense that I certainly did not desire food for some time afterwards, my experience justified the authorities, but I felt at the time that it was not so much for staving off death as for reconciling oneself to it that tobacco-chewing was to be recommended. I have never practised it since.

    At eighteen I went to Cambridge, and bought two pipes in a case. In those days Greek was compulsory, but not more so than two pipes in a case. One of the pipes had an amber stem and the other a vulcanite stem, and both of them had silver belts. That also was compulsory. Having bought them, one was free to smoke cigarettes. However, at the end of my first year I got to work seriously on a shilling briar, and I have smoked that, or something like it, ever since.

    In the last four years there has grown up a new school of pipe- smokers, by which (I suspect) I am hardly regarded as a pipe- smoker at all. This school buys its pipes always at one particular shop; its pupils would as soon think of smoking a pipe without the white spot as of smoking brown paper. So far are they from smoking brown paper that each one of them has his tobacco specially blended according to the colour of his hair, his taste in revues, and the locality in which he lives. The first blend is naturally not the ideal one. It is only when he has been a confirmed smoker for at least three months, and knows the best and worst of all tobaccos, that his exact requirements can be satisfied.

    However, it is the pipe rather than the tobacco which marks him as belonging to this particular school. He pins his faith, not so much to its labour-saving devices as to the white spot outside, the white spot of an otherwise aimless life. This tells the world that it is one of THE pipes. Never was an announcement more superfluous. From the moment, shortly after breakfast, when he strikes his first match to the moment, just before bed-time, when he strikes his hundredth, it is obviously THE pipe which he is smoking.

    For whereas men of an older school, like myself, smoke for the pleasure of smoking, men of this school smoke for the pleasure of pipe-owning–of selecting which of their many white-spotted pipes they will fill with their specially-blended tobacco, of filling the one so chosen, of lighting it, of taking it from the mouth to gaze lovingly at the white spot and thus letting it go out, of lighting it again and letting it go out again, of polishing it up with their own special polisher and putting it to bed, and then the pleasure of beginning all over again with another white- spotted one. They are not so much pipe-smokers as pipe-keepers; and to have spoken as I did just now of their owning pipes was wrong, for it is they who are in bondage to the white spot. This school is founded firmly on four years of war. When at the age of eighteen you are suddenly given a cheque-book and called “Sir,” you must do something by way of acknowledgment. A pipe in the mouth makes it clear that there has been no mistake–you are undoubtedly a man. But you may be excused for feeling after the first pipe that the joys of smoking have been rated too high, and for trying to extract your pleasure from the polish on the pipe’s surface, the pride of possessing a special mixture of your own, and such-like matters, rather than from the actual inspiration and expiration of smoke. In the same way a man not fond of reading may find delight in a library of well-bound books. They are pleasant to handle, pleasant to talk about, pleasant to show to friends. But it is the man without the library of well-bound books who generally does most of the reading.

    So I feel that it is we of the older school who do most of the smoking. We smoke unconsciously while we are doing other things; THEY try, but not very successfully, to do other things while they are consciously smoking. No doubt they despise us, and tell themselves that we are not real smokers, but I fancy that they feel a little uneasy sometimes. For my young friends are always trying to persuade me to join their school, to become one of the white-spotted ones. I have no desire to be of their company, but I am prepared to make a suggestion to the founder of the school. It is that he should invent a pipe, white spot and all, which smokes itself. His pupils could hang it in the mouth as picturesquely as before, but the incidental bother of keeping it alight would no longer trouble them.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  22. jkrug

    jkrug

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    We do want to try to be a little more careful than we were back in the 50’s, when people shotgunned Winstons right into toddler faces because they wouldn’t sit still in church.

    That is a funny read for sure. I chuckled several times while reading it but I friggin' lost it when I got to this line....hilarious!!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  23. misterlowercase

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    Another funny essay, along the same lines as the A.A. Milne piece,
    is an S. J. Perelman thing writ in 1945,
    seen here:
    http://pipesmagazine.com/forums/topic/lets-make-fun-of-dunhill

    Posted 3 years ago #
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    Anonymous

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    Sorry for the inadvertent double post

    Posted 3 years ago #
  25. misterlowercase

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    It wasn't a double post my man,
    that old thread is ancient...

    (I was just being lazy and pointing to the Perelman essay instead of going thru the hassle of copying 'n pasting it here LOL)

    ...glad you posted the Milne essay,
    it's also one of my favorites.

    In fact,
    that essay cannot be posted too much!

    It deserves to have as many eyes on it as possible in my opinion,
    thank you for posting it.

    Posted 3 years ago #
  26. brudnod

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    Had to decide if I failed the reader check to move along to the rest of the article. Close call...

    I DO love the final little bit:
    In fact I’m just now reminded of that famous Einstein refrain on the subject:
    “I believe that pipe smoking contributes to a somewhat calm and objective judgement in all human affairs, unless you’re wearing an ironic t-shirt and playing badminton – then you just look like a pussy.”

    Posted 3 years ago #
  27. misterlowercase

    misterlowercase

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    In fact I’m just now reminded of that famous Einstein refrain on the subject:

    “I believe that pipe smoking contributes to a somewhat calm and objective judgement in all human affairs, unless you’re wearing an ironic t-shirt and playing badminton – then you just look like a pussy.”

    LOL

    I can't argue with the Professor!

    Posted 3 years ago #
  28. philobeddoe

    Philo Beddoe

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    That article was some funny shit....there was a lot of truth in those words.

    "So it goes." - K.V.
    Posted 3 years ago #

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