Pipes Magazine » General Pipe Smoking Discussion

Search Forums  
   
Tags:  No tags yet. 

Marriage advice?

(66 posts)
  1. smeigs

    smeigs

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jun 2012
    Posts: 1,097

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Hey forum brothers... I recently got married last weekend and thought this might be an interesting topic. Not that I am in need of advice due to issues within a marriage, I just thought it might be interesting to hear some advice or tips from some of the seasoned vets on here! I find it interesting and actually therapeutic to hear what has worked and what has not for some people when it comes to marriage. Im excited for this new adventure and I appreciate your thoughts and wisdom! Happy smoking everyone.

    “A pipe in the mouth makes it clear that there has been no mistake–you are undoubtedly a man.”
    Posted 4 years ago #
  2. numbersix

    numbersix

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jul 2012
    Posts: 5,695

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    First of all - congratulations and best wishes!

    Married 25 years. My first piece of advice is to remember that men and women are opposites. It's what attracts. But after time it's also what can lead to separation if one or both cannot accept and especially respect the natural differences.

    My second piece of advice is to communicate. If your wife does something that bothers you, discuss it (and vice versa) in a non-attacking manner. Get it out in the open early on before it festers. It's much easier to let things slide, but little things can get compounded over the years.

    "Be seeing you"


    Posted 4 years ago #
  3. smeigs

    smeigs

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jun 2012
    Posts: 1,097

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Love that numbersix, thank you!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  4. warren

    warren

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Sep 2013
    Posts: 7,632

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    "Yes dear." Learn those words. And admit that as a man, you really do need help rounding off the rough edges. Heck! You probably don't even know you have rough edges. If you married "up" as I have suggested before, you are in for the ride of your life and will, most likely, be a better man for it.

    Seriously, pick your battles carefully. There will be differences of opinion on most any conceivable subject. Most battles are not worth winning in the long run. Compromise when necessary. Compromise when it's not necessary.

    Verbal abuse sometimes leaves a scar. If an argument is required, and they sometimes are, be a gentleman. Walking away, pouting and withdrawal are not conducive to good communication. I'm not talking about being a wimp, stand up for yourself when necessary but in a manner that doesn't threaten or hurt.

    You're a male, probably under the age of 100, and ergo, you are a doofus. Recognize this and you will be a happier man. Your wife knows this and she will, gently over the years if you are lucky, do her best to make you a better man than you are now. It's her job in life now and she probably sees you better than you see yourself.

    I recently became a widower and offer this from the bottom of my heart: "Treat her with respect at all times."

    Unanticipated gifts are the best. Roses and other gifts are not just for when you mess it up. They are required when you do mess it up though.

    So, buckle up, do the best you can, you'll get better at it as time goes on, and enjoy every memorable moment of your new life.

    A man without a shillelagh is a man without an expedient.
    Posted 4 years ago #
  5. lostandfound

    lostandfound

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Oct 2011
    Posts: 948

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Congratulations Smeigs!

    I'm glad you made this thread bro, as I'm engaged to be a married man, in a just over two years from today, and any advice given here will be warmly welcome.

    Jerod
    Posted 4 years ago #
  6. agnosticpipe

    Orley

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Nov 2013
    Posts: 2,643

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    What I've learned: Be each others best friend. Learn to enjoy doing what each other likes to do, and then do those things together. You'll never like all the same things, but doing more together rather than separately, will keep you close. My wife and I enjoy each others company, and enjoy doing most things together. No, I don't watch soap operas with her, and she doesn't always listen to the same music I do. Make compromise work for you, and when in doubt, let her win. My dad said that marriage is not a word, it's a sentence. I knew he was joking as they were married for over 50 years. We've reached over 30 so far, and I don't see an end to it.

    Congratulations, have a happy life, smoking and all.

    The pipe smoker formerly know as agnostic pipe
    "Fried food, hard liquor, and tobacco, that's the holy trinity!"- Stacy Keach
    Posted 4 years ago #
  7. woodsroad

    woodsroad

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Oct 2013
    Posts: 8,497

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    OK, I've been married 23 years and this thread has helped me already. Thank you, folks.

    I'll just add: Continue to to treat her in the same way that got her to say "yes". It will not always be easy, and sometimes it will seem impossible, but selfish pride has no place in a marriage.

    In short: You've done a great job so far. Keep it up.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  8. teufelhund

    teufelhund

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Mar 2013
    Posts: 1,591

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Congrats! I got married this past Saturday as well and although I can't say I have much experience I did receive some insightful advice from a family friend. "Sometimes it's better to be wrong even though you know your right." It's already working wonders; I like to think of it as the marriage version of sticks and stones. She knows that she is outside her gourd half the time, but not being the one to point that out to her pays dividends.

    Smoke your pipe and be silent; there's only wind and smoke in the world. - Irish Proverb
    Posted 4 years ago #
  9. tbradsim1

    tbradsim1

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jan 2012
    Posts: 7,734

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Warren is right on all of his thoughts, especially the unexpected gifts. I am almost 50 yrs into my marriage, the one rule I demanded is when we got mad at each other there was no stormings out the house, if she left there was no comeing back, everyone to a different part of the house, that way things could be worked out when tempers had calmed. Words can cut like a knife, swallow some and you will be better for it. Remember good looks goes but a good cook stays. That's an old Cajun saying Cher, wish you many years of Happiness.

    The Old Cajun
    Posted 4 years ago #
  10. johnnyreb

    johnnyreb

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Aug 2014
    Posts: 1,841

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Congratulations on your marriage! Throughout the early years you two will be a team together. Later when raising children you will both share a common goal centered around what's best for them and their futures. Just be sure and save some of that team and common goals for when the children are grown and gone. It will happen a lot sooner than you think.

    What's that old joke..."Been happily married for twelve years...twelve outa twenty ain't bad!"

    Rebels been rebels since I don't know when
    Posted 4 years ago #
  11. smeigs

    smeigs

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jun 2012
    Posts: 1,097

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    @brad... I love the "good cooks stay" comment. She cant cook at all so now I know she is here to stay!!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  12. User has not uploaded an avatar

    sw0snuff3r

    Member
    Joined: Oct 2014
    Posts: 241

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    When you have an argument - and any healthy relationship will have arguments - take a minute away alone to cool down at the first possible moment. Then just think about what life would be like without her. I think you will find that things will fall into perspective and it will all smooth over.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  13. jmatt

    jmatt

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Aug 2014
    Posts: 767

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    My friend, let me tell you about the "Marital Harmony Act."

    It's the book of rules for a long and happy marriage. Now unfortunately - she has a copy, and you don't. In fact, you've got to learn it along the way. Oh - and she can re-write sections whenever she wants. She can add sections whenever she wants. She gets to interpret it however she wants. Your simple job - is to learn the rules of the "Marital Harmony Act."

    For example - I've learned that if I give my wife some decent notice (acknowledging she gets to determine what "decent" is), I can grab some beers with buddies after work before I come home. BUT - I also learned that telling her at 4:55pm on Friday night that I'm gonna go hang out with buddies instead of coming home - giving her no chance to make plans of her own and leaving her alone on a Friday nigh....is in fact a HUGE violation of the "Marital Harmony Act."

    I'm sure any gentleman on this forum can add a rule he's learned from the "Marital Harmony Act."

    Posted 4 years ago #
  14. daimyo

    daimyo

    Preferred Member
    Joined: May 2014
    Posts: 1,560

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Soon after my wife and I got engaged we shared a cab with an elderly couple leaving Kaiserhof in Ocean Beach, heading to the Sports Arena area of San Diego. The couple was obviously still very much in love and were happy to hear we were engaged. The Women asked if we would like some advice and we replied that we would appreciate it. She suddenly got very serious and said to us that marriage was hard work. She felt kids these days simply got married and expected things to work if that was what was destined. She said that after 40 years of marriage, there had been many days she awoke with a strong desire to strangle her husband and that he had no doubt felt the same. That said, she insisted that it was worth the work and that effort made in that direction would pay off with a substantial return. Compromise and consideration were sighted as two of the most important factors. This year the wife and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary and I must say that awesome woman was correct in every respect.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  15. huntertrw

    huntertrw

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jul 2014
    Posts: 4,005

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    smeigs:

    Congratulations, and welcome to the fold.

    My wife and me will celebrate our 29th anniversary this month. To say that marriage is "easy" is to be a blind optimist or a fool, for as the Scripture says, "In this world you WILL have trouble..." However, having said that I urge you to remember that when things get bad, they WILL eventually get better. The question of WHEN is strictly up to you...together. There is an "i" in the word marriage, but it is best to think of it, always, as "us."

    Best of luck to you both throughout the years!

    Love Me, Love My Pipe
    Posted 4 years ago #
  16. maxpeters

    maxpeters

    Senior Member
    Joined: Jan 2010
    Posts: 458

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Not much I can add to what's already been said. Just remember though, marriage is grand. Divorce is a Hundred Grand. Just saying.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  17. zekest

    zekest

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Apr 2013
    Posts: 1,194

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Don't co-mingle all your money and/or funds.

    Money is where many fights and battles start.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  18. puffy

    puffy

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Dec 2010
    Posts: 2,515

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Women never forget.If you say something to hurt her she will remember it always.Treat her with respect.Make her feel good about herself.Make her know that you love her.Keep arguements focused on issues.Never let them get personal.My wife and I have an agreement that though we may still disagree on something we never go to bed mad at each other.Several years from now you will realize that some of the things you argue about now will not matter then..For example..I no longer care what color the drapes are.

    Life's most valuable treasure is..Love
    Posted 4 years ago #
  19. terrygoldman123

    terrygoldman123

    Senior Member
    Joined: Jun 2013
    Posts: 448

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Real Cheap Advice:

    Words can hurt and they also can heal.

    Damn near impossible to put the toothpaste back into to the tube once it has been squeezed out. So.....choose your words wisely and let her win the arguments more often than not. Picking your battles is crucial to a long and fruitful marriage.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  20. yaboofive

    Richard Gonzalez

    Member
    Joined: Jan 2010
    Posts: 190

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Congratulations on the recent nuptials.

    Been married twice.... all I can say is that it's cheaper to keep her....

    Posted 4 years ago #
  21. smeigs

    smeigs

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jun 2012
    Posts: 1,097

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Thank you guys for all the great info! It made me laugh, and contemplate haha. We have been together 7 years so luckily we have a feel for each other by now. I told her some of the responses here and she laughed and agreed with all of them. Thanks for sharing everyone, it means a lot to have different outlooks. All I know is that she loves my piping and everything about it.... I think thats a pretty good hint that I got the right one!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  22. papipeguy

    papipeguy

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jul 2010
    Posts: 16,208

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    We are going on 31 years and I still refer to Barbara as "My Bride". For us it was never I, me or mine; it was and is- we, us and ours. Family first and as a husband, and later father, I saw my role as provider and protector. My wife is President of the family business, meaning that she is the glue that holds everything together. Argue? You bet. Clear the air asap and move on. We've been very lucky but it came by understanding that we did what we had to do to make things work. Some may use the word "sacrifice" but we never though about it. Just did what we though was right for the family. I retired at 55 and we have a pretty nice life, all things considered.
    My wife and daughter (now 29) are my life but I also make time for interests outside of the home. That's important too but not to supplant the family but to add another dimension to life.
    Congrats to you and your bride and I wish you all the luck and love that we've been blessed to have had all these years.

    Blowin' smoke since 1970.
    Posted 4 years ago #
  23. sablebrush52

    sablebrush52

    The Bard Of Barlings
    Joined: Jun 2013
    Posts: 9,755

    online

    Login to Send PM

    Congratulations!!

    After all of this experience and wisdom, the only thing that I can add is let her control the remote.

    It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain

    It is pointless to argue with a fanatic since a dim bulb can't be converted into a searchlight. - Jesse Silver
    Posted 4 years ago #
  24. lonestar

    lonestar

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Mar 2011
    Posts: 2,987

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    I got a piece of advice. There are only two good reasons to marry, Love and Money. Everything else is just horse shit.

    -Ryan Alden
    Posted 4 years ago #
  25. mrenglish

    mrenglish

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Dec 2010
    Posts: 2,305

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Coming up on our 20th next year, surprised she is still with me sometimes. Best advice I can offer is to just listen and do not try to fix the problems she talks about unless she asks. Most of the time my spousal unit is just venting and there is always that urge to fix things on my part.

    If you guys have been together 7 years you should be OK. Its weird though, how that little piece of paper can change things in subtle ways.

    Congrats!

    Michael
    Posted 4 years ago #
  26. newbroom

    newbroom

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jul 2014
    Posts: 5,595

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    the one rule I demanded

    Y'er pretty dead in the water, right there. How do you respond to 'demands'?

    Posted 4 years ago #
  27. captainsousie

    captainsousie

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Aug 2012
    Posts: 2,595

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    I can't top the wise words of Warren and Brad.

    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
    Posted 4 years ago #
  28. johnnyreb

    johnnyreb

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Aug 2014
    Posts: 1,841

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    "I recently became a widower and offer this from the bottom of my heart: "Treat her with respect at all times."

    Warren,

    I enjoyed the humor in your post but somehow missed this earlier. My sincere condolences to you on the recent loss of your soulmate. May your pain soon be replaced by fond memories.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  29. tbradsim1

    tbradsim1

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jan 2012
    Posts: 7,734

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Warren when I read that you made me sad, can't imagine not getting up in the morning ( I am an early riser) and not seeing her come out the bedroom for her coffee, hopefully that day will never come as I would like to pass before her. Warren you are a wise man and I am truly sorry for you.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  30. cmdrmcbragg

    cmdrmcbragg

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jul 2013
    Posts: 1,844

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Totally believe @Michael on that one: don't do a damn thing unless she tells you to. They usually just want to vent and aren't looking for much more than somebody to listen to them. I'm not married but have been with my fiance for going on eight years so I know that, plus when you're right, you're still wrong. Picking and choosing battles is important, refer to my last piece of advice.

    Women are just different animals in the way they handle things. I'm the calm, rational one while my fiance is the impulsive, stubborn one (I'm stubborn too, but she is much more so). It is a balancing act and ya just roll with the punches.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  31. winton

    winton

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Oct 2010
    Posts: 2,177

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    22 years so far. All great advice above. Remember you two are a team, not two people sharing a house. Decide what you want to accomplish together in life. That will help eliminate a lot of issues. Go on dates regularly. Everytime we leave the house together, without the kids, it is a date! We will have a grocery date as soon as she gets fully awake, dressed, and had breakfast (might not be in that order).

    If you only get one thing out of this thread, remember she is desperate to be loved. She NEEDS TO BE ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED THAT SHE IS NUMBER ONE IN YOUR LIFE WITH NO RIVALS!. Obviously this included the cute girl at the office or on the computer screen, your truck, your job, your time, your hobbies (pipes?) etc. Nothing is more important in your life than her. Of course women realize you need to earn a living. What will be the results? When her girl friends are bashing their men, she will brag about you. Wait until the first time she tells you, "You are my hero!"

    This works.

    Winton

    Posted 4 years ago #
  32. User has not uploaded an avatar

    Anonymous

    Unregistered

    Posts: 1,808

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    I am not married, but I enjoyed reading this thread and seeing so many guys that are still happily married. Some great advice here that probably would have done my father and mother well.

    @ warren - Very sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine having a piece of you stolen like that. May you find some solace in the memories you have.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  33. gamxiaoyuan

    Eric

    Junior Member
    Joined: Sep 2014
    Posts: 82

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    As a married young 29 year old guy, my advice would be "Always put a pipe in your pocket in case of quarrel." Cause the pipe keeps your mouth from talking and your mind drifting away when your partner talks like machine gun.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  34. voorhees

    voorhees

    Preferred Member
    Joined: May 2012
    Posts: 3,608

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    13 yrs married and agree so far with the advice. My number 1 is money. Have your own account and she has hers. But have a joint for home/bills/etc. I cannot stress this enough. Been there.
    Be the rock she comes to for the bad things and good. No name calling.
    Do things she likes, even when you don't... without complaint.

    Jason
    Posted 4 years ago #
  35. jmsutton

    jmsutton

    Member
    Joined: Feb 2014
    Posts: 109

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    My advice would be not to go into it thinking that you've given up anything better than marriage. Never let your wife think that you feel as if you gave up the best for the worst. Even if you actually feel that way sometimes... don't let her feel that way. Getting ready to get married people would say things like "welcome to the end" or "why would you end your life so young?". I know that most of them were in good humor and fun, but I could never imagine my wife feeling secure with me as her husband if she thought that I felt that way (which I don't).

    In pursuit of chivalrous empire.
    Posted 4 years ago #
  36. jimbo44

    jimbo44

    Junior Member
    Joined: Aug 2010
    Posts: 63

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    It should also be regarded as a capital offence to not declare that you are a pipe smoker before marriage proposals!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  37. voorhees

    voorhees

    Preferred Member
    Joined: May 2012
    Posts: 3,608

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    It should also be regarded as a capital offence to not declare that you are a pipe smoker before marriage proposals!

    Truth! Don't give up your friends/hobbies/things that make you, you.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  38. conlejm

    conlejm

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Mar 2014
    Posts: 1,499

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    We have been married almost 24 years. You have been given a wealth of great advice already, but I though I would add this quote that comes to mind every now and then:

    “Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” ― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Airman's Odyssey

    Posted 4 years ago #
  39. andya27

    andya27

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jun 2014
    Posts: 504

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Congratulations! This is a wonderful time in your life!

    I've been married for 33 years. I have no advice to give, other than the advice from one of my favorite plays - "Our Town" by Thornton Wilder. A young man, George, is getting married, and on the morning of his marriage his father-in-law gives him some advice on marriage:

    Mr. Webb (the father-in-law):
    George, I was thinking the other night of some advice my father gave me when I got married. Charles, he said, Charles, start out early showing who’s boss, he said. Best thing to do is give an order, even if it don’t make sense; just so she’ll learn to obey. [...]

    George (the groom):
    Well, Mr. Webb... I don’t think I could...

    Mr. Webb:
    So I took the opposite of my father’s advice and I’ve been happy ever since.

    -Andy
    Posted 4 years ago #
  40. puffdoggie

    puffdoggie

    Senior Member
    Joined: Dec 2013
    Posts: 420

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Congrats on your nuptials. As for my wife & I, she calls me an assh*le and I call her a b*tch. We understand each other perfectly!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  41. smeigs

    smeigs

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jun 2012
    Posts: 1,097

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Lots of great stuff from everyone. I feel like I should write a book based on all your responses haha! "The pipe smokers guide to marriage".... has a pretty good sound to it. I appreciate all the wisdom from you guys.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  42. warren

    warren

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Sep 2013
    Posts: 7,632

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Thank you for the expressions of sympathy. I surely do not want to see a thread of this importance, to me anyway, sidetracked. Sufficed to say my wife and I had 36 years and 5 days of mostly great times together. I am adjusting to what is my "new normal" and will carry on as she would have wished.

    Relative to the OP I do believe that it is the differences between the partners that can make the marriage really interesting and special. My hobby is woodworking. My wife was an excellent "beader" and a more than competent metal-smith. We each had our own work areas and so, had our own "space." Sometimes she needed my expertise or "eye" and other times I would solicit her artistic abilities to provide some bit of metal work that provided the proper "finish" to a project of mine.

    Marriage is all about balance. Time together + time apart = a great ride with few bumps and fewer regrets.

    I and the others speak only from our own experiences and I'm sure my observations are a somewhat skewed by my years of mostly pure unadulterated happy companionship and love. So read the thread, see what fits or can be adapted to your circumstances and make fond memories every chance you get.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  43. numbersix

    numbersix

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jul 2012
    Posts: 5,695

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    I too am sorry to hear about your loss Warren. Best wishes to you and great advice as well.

    Best advice I can offer is to just listen and do not try to fix the problems she talks about unless she asks. Most of the time my spousal unit is just venting and there is always that urge to fix things on my part.

    This is true. I think it's in a man's genetic makeup to fix a problem, but when it comes to this, many times, a woman is not in need of fixing, just sympathizing.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  44. ssjones

    ssjones

    Mod
    Joined: May 2011
    Posts: 14,569

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    I've been married for 34 years, an improbably success as I was 19 and she was 18.
    A majority of the marriages that I've seen fail (all of our friends when we were married) where when one spouse was in a bar without the other. I'd be hard pressed to remember I time that I hung out in a bar without my wife and vice versus. Some folks can pull that off, most it seems cannot.
    Learn to be a good listener, it's a lot harder than it sounds. Knowing when not to talk pays big dividends.
    Compromise is part of a successful marriage. Someone said "pick your battles" and I would add to learn when to fold your hand.
    If you haven't read Dale Carnegies "How to Win Friends and Influence People", grab a copy. An easy read filled with good advice for all aspects of life.

    Al

    Posted 4 years ago #
  45. purplemotoman

    purplemotoman

    Member
    Joined: Aug 2014
    Posts: 206

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Just get it over with now. Get the divorce papers all filled out and ready to go....just joking. Congrats and enjoy. I am sure there will some bumps in the road ahead, but work them out calmly and remember, she is ALWAYS right.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  46. drwatson

    drwatson

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Aug 2010
    Posts: 1,806

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Respect..Thats a huge part of it. Your going to have really, really bad days! But you are also going to have great days too. Always let her know you love her. Never go to bed angry. Can't tell you how many times my wife and I have stayed up to see the sun. We have been together 17 years now, and through all the craziness I still try to act like we are dating. It's amazing what a small touch in the kitchen will do. The only true piece of advice that I could offer, is more of a observation of life, than a my life situation. What I do brings me in contact with alot of younger and older people, a good mix really. And the one thing I alaways here the younger females complain about is their boyfriend/husband enjoys his friends,facebook,fantasy football,gaming more than them! All those things are good and have a place in moderation. But always remember family first and you'll be okay. Good luck and congrats!!

    John
    Posted 4 years ago #
  47. mso489

    mso489

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Feb 2013
    Posts: 26,252

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Never hesitate to be amazed and delighted by your wife. You aren't giving anything up by not being
    always the center of your own admiration. You've just gained color and binocular vision. You can
    see and understand things you never have before. Don't be afraid to use this new power, and don't forget
    its source. Happy married life.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  48. derfatdutchman

    derfatdutchman

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jun 2014
    Posts: 1,166

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    We will be married 20 this May. Fist be a good listener sometimes just being there to listen and give a supporting shoulder is more important than any words. Remember compromise can usually help any situation. And lastly hide a blanket in the bottom drawer of your night stand for those times in mid January when you wake up a 3 AM only to find your wife wrapped cocoon like in all the blankets.

    "The value of tobacco is best understood when it is the last you possess, and there is no chance of getting more."
    Bismark
    Posted 4 years ago #
  49. sablebrush52

    sablebrush52

    The Bard Of Barlings
    Joined: Jun 2013
    Posts: 9,755

    online

    Login to Send PM

    I have one serious observation about achieving a successful long term marriage as opposed to just a long term marriage. The agreement is "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health", which means that you are both throwing in your lot with each other. You're partners, which you both need to understand and respect for a long term marriage. But you both also need to be best friends as well as partners, and understand and respect that as well, for a happy long term marriage. That's the foundation, without which the edifice collapses.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  50. allan

    allan

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Dec 2012
    Posts: 2,539

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Such great advice already given.

    Warren, through this year I've read most of your posts, many of them funny, sarcastic and witty.

    I did not know the other side, the warm and caring guy.

    Extremely sorry for your loss. Even after 37 years of marriage, (several of them quite rough) I just don't know what I would do without my wife.

    My maturity in marriage did not happen till only a few years ago. Self centered, mostly caring only for myself. I really don't know why she stayed with me for so long.

    Late, but hopefully not too late, I'm realizing the folly of my ways, and I try to man up myself to try to reach her standards of giving, loving and decency. I know that I fall far short.

    Good luck and congrats on the marriage.

    Allan
    Posted 4 years ago #
  51. warren

    warren

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Sep 2013
    Posts: 7,632

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Thank you Allan.

    I really do think wives oftentimes see something in us that we do not. And so, they often invest many more years than they should in rounding us out. I know my wife did and it appears that yours did also. We are both the better for it I think.

    Sometime after I said "I do," I discovered that marriage is many things I never envisioned. It was, at least for me, a very humbling experience.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  52. peckinpahhombre

    peckinpahhombre

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Dec 2012
    Posts: 7,478

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    The only thing I can add would be that any new pipe you buy cost $50.

    Just repeat that to yourself 10 times a day so you will be able to withstand the inevitable interrogation.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  53. judcole

    Jud

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Sep 2011
    Posts: 4,812

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    I'm also a recent widower - 3 weeks short of 40 years. Some simple thoughts:

    • Don't get caught up in stereotypes about men and women, their roles, what's "manly" and "feminine". You are individuals, and each have your own strengths and weaknesses. If she hates grocery shopping and you enjoy it (and can stick to your list/budget), don't be afraid to do it because it's "women's work". Likewise, if she really enjoys - and is good at - some "male" task, let her do it. That stuff is all culturally determined anyway.
    • Communicate, communicate, communicate.
    • Finally, and perhaps most important: You can be happy, or you can be right. If you insist on being right all the time, things won't go well.

    Thought in the early morning, solace in time of woes,
    Peace in the hush of the twilight, balm ere my eyelids close
    Rudyard Kipling
    Posted 4 years ago #
  54. phred

    phred

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Dec 2012
    Posts: 1,847

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Congratulations, smeigs!

    I'm coming up on 25 years married, officially (and closer to 30 years together). One bit of advice, in all seriousness - if things do get rough, don't be afraid to engage the services of a professional. At one point, our relationship hit a rough patch, and we learned that the coping techniques that we'd both learned as kids weren't helping - in fact, they were seriously getting in the way. We went to a counselor (both together and individually for some issues), and it made a difference. In fact, the counselor told us that it was a relief to have a couple actually working on maintaining and improving their relationship, as too often couples wait until one or both of them need out before seeking help...



    "De gustibus non est disputandum."
    Posted 4 years ago #
  55. User has not uploaded an avatar

    Anonymous

    Unregistered

    Posts: 2,030

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    How about: don't get married?

    Posted 4 years ago #
  56. warren

    warren

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Sep 2013
    Posts: 7,632

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    You are a wee bit too late with that advice for the original poster.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  57. 12pups

    12pups

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Feb 2014
    Posts: 1,094

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    I have been married for 30 years -- just not to the same woman. But I can add what *doesn't* work. In my first marriage I had a vision of what being a husband and father should be like, and I did everything I could to make that dream come true. Given a second chance, I no longer trusted my preconceptions, and set about enjoying the dream as it unfolded.

    Has made all the difference. A fairy tale that reveals itself to us more each day on its own. One I get to be in, rather than, heavy-handedly, write.

    A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them. -- Carl Jung
    Posted 4 years ago #
  58. lucky695

    lucky695

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Apr 2013
    Posts: 800

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    9 words
    You're Right
    I'm Wrong
    I'm Sorry
    I Love you..

    "A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth." - C.S. Lewis
    Posted 4 years ago #
  59. peteross

    peteross

    Junior Member
    Joined: Oct 2012
    Posts: 66

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Congrats! I've only been married 4 years but I can't resist giving my two cents. As stated very early in this thread: men and women are different. My wife and I were blessed to figure out early on that men respect automatically and women love automatically. Well it turns out that she needs love more than respect and I need respect more than love. It's easy for her to tell me that she loves me but I have to make a conscious effort to make her feel loved. And she has to be very mindful to give me the respect that I need. Enjoy your marriage! It's a blast!

    Posted 4 years ago #
  60. msandoval858

    msandoval858

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jun 2012
    Posts: 1,004

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Lots of good advice here so I won't repeat what's already been suggested.

    I will say this. Never stop "dating" her. Pursue her every day and make sure you maintain that chemistry that got you in to this mess to begin with. My wife and I are going on 15 years and I like to think I'm more crazy about her now than when we got married.

    Of course disagreements and fights are going to happen. Never underestimate the power of make up sex

    Mike
    Posted 4 years ago #
  61. murf

    murf

    Senior Member
    Joined: Mar 2013
    Posts: 465

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    the sooner you realize that they're all nuts, the better off you'll be. Do your best to make it work. I'm not sure on the "separate finances" advice, as we don't do that. We don't have much anyway. Stop thinking about what is "yours" and instead of what is "ours."

    Posted 4 years ago #
  62. tslex

    tslex

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jun 2011
    Posts: 1,529

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Posted 4 years ago #
  63. cobguy

    Darin

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Oct 2013
    Posts: 3,938

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Posted 4 years ago #
  64. foggymountain

    foggymountain

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Aug 2012
    Posts: 2,984

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Married 10 years and still do not know the first thing about it. Good luck with it.

    Posted 4 years ago #
  65. sparrowhawk

    sparrowhawk

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Jul 2013
    Posts: 2,860

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    I'm not sure a lifelong bachelor can help, but at the age of 58 and of normal orientation--just never ran into the right woman--I've been able to observe that married men give up as much as they gain. Autonomy, for one thing. For instance, I can smoke whenever and wherever I wish. But there are also a lot of things I've had to do without, and most of the gents here will be able to offer their insights on that.

    There is no beauty without some strangeness in proportion.
    Posted 4 years ago #
  66. wyfbane

    wyfbane

    Preferred Member
    Joined: Apr 2013
    Posts: 4,175

    offline

    Login to Send PM

    Congratulations! Best way to be married is to know yourself as well as your bride and to communicate.

    I don't mean about the weather over breakfast. I saw above someone cautioned about growing apart. The only constant IS change.

    Make sure you guys have like quarterly 'wassup talks'. Check in with one another to see how y'alls goals are coming and if your paths is still what you had previously discussed and to make sure your paths stay parallel. They don't have to be identical (smothering) but they need to at least be parallel.

    It is sad to me when something as simple as that kills a marriage.

    So best of luck to you.

    Posted 4 years ago #

Reply

You must log in to post.

 

 

    Back To Top  | Back to Forum Home Page

   Members Online Now
   lestrout, ajohnb, scrumpyjack, weezell, canadianpuffer, jiminks, sablebrush52, dmcmtk, chilllucky, brl25, marc75