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Anonymous
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1st : You'd get your tobacco tax money back...
2nd : Have everyone stand on their own two feet
3rd : I'd smoke my pipe in the White House and run around in my underwear...
4th : I’d drink Margaritas with LOTS of SALT!
5th : We would hold the First Annual pipesmagazine.com "Pipes Bash" on the White House lawn!
That's a great post Phil. Excellent.
Phil,
I'll be voting two or three times for you!!
Soldier, I didn't know you were moving to Chicago.
Vote early! Vote often!
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So what would you do?
I'll take the extra votes too...
1) I think I would outlaw lawnmowers.
2) Institute a nation wide moratorium on empty martini glasses. All martini glasses must be full and contain at least 3 olives. (for the vitamins just to placate the health nuts) In a like vein, spilling said martini would be considered alcohol abuse and 1st time offenders would have to do public service... of martini's. 2nd, offense minimum deportation.
3) I would have to break up all coffee house monopolies, they would have to be privately owned and operated. They would have to serve good coffee. e.g. Columbian Blue Mountain. Of course, serving a Pumpkin Spice latte would be punishable by long terms of imprisonment on tobacco farms.
4) All pipe tobacco producers and pipe makers would be encouraged to practice their art.
5) All salt would have to be routed through New York prior to distribution. Phil would be grandfathered in and wouldn't have to comply.
6) Deport B.O. and Nancy Pelosi
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Lawrence,
If there are no lawmowers... what would everyone use? Sheep?
Fhb, love it! ROTFLMAS!
Hard to top Phil and Lawrence but:
All politicians would have term limits so they would have to go back into the private sector and deal with their decisions made while in office.
Repeal all smoking bans! Leave those decisions to the owner of each establishment.
No more “Open on Sundays”. All business should be closed, that day should be spent with or avoiding the family while kicking back with a good smoke.
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Soldier, I like the "Open on Sundays"... That would be a National Holiday...
Now the more serious things... ALL elected officials would make a "common" mans wage... After all, they went into politics to help others, not make money...
I would write a "bill" that would treat all "Street Gangs" as organized crime... They deal in illegal activity and they are somewhat organized, so... what’s the difference between them and the “MOB”?
Install a “Bat Signal” on the Capitol Building…
Phil, do mean "Bruce Wayne" for president
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NO, I just thought that a "Bat Signal" would be cool... and a bat phone...
Phil,
Sheep were the old method of grounds keeping at the white house until just prior to WWII.
Then I believe came a steer and a horse.
I guess I was born 40 or 50 years too late.
Now that I think about it I believe there were goats as well.
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I guess it would be "green" as in saving the environment... NO GLOBAL WARMING!
I'm not turning into a tree hugger am I?
Oh woe is me....
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NO, it would be neat to go back in time... and maybe get it right the second time around!
Where is Prof. Peabody when you need his Way Back Machine.
1.All pay increases for congress would have to be voted on by the general public.
2.Any and all changes voted into law would affect congress, just like it does the general public.
3.The state of the union address would be delivered to the general public around the country in town hall type settings. No more having to watch those idiots standing up cheering each other alone party line. Watching the VP and Speaker of the House jump up and down like trained monkeys, happens to reminds me of the Wack-a-Mole arcade game.
4.Acts of treason such as attempt to change the Constitution of the United States would be punishable by death.
5.Taxes on tobacco and alcohol would be replaced with a tax on Political Correctness. Enough already with being PC.
6.Commonsense would be taught in school and a student would have to prove they had some before they could graduate high school.
JC,
Excellent list.
I particularly like #3 & #4:
3.The state of the union address would be delivered to the general public around the country in town hall type settings. No more having to watch those idiots standing up cheering each other alone party line. Watching the VP and Speaker of the House jump up and down like trained monkeys, happens to reminds me of the Wack-a-Mole arcade game.
4.Acts of treason such as attempt to change the Constitution of the United States would be punishable by death.
Thanks my friend... I went from writing that to reading about how we need improve the public’s perception of pipe smokers. One of the ideas was to have nicer more professional pictures post of ourselves… Lee Van Cleef and Desi Arnaz, come on I think we look pretty damn successful. You know I do have to admit Phil could clean up a little… he is looking a little shaggy.
JC, also love #3 on your list. I knew watching those speeches reminded me of something.
It would just be nice to make politicians accountable for their actions like we have to be. That alone would correct a lot of issues.
I'd get to work repealing things.
Then, goodbye Electoral College.
After that, I'd sit back and enjoy what just might be my only term in office.
No kidding Soldier... Like those performance reviews some of us have experienced in the real world, where you sit-down with your manager at the beginning of the year and set goals and targets, then at the end of the year you receive your review based on the completion of your goals and overall success rate.
Here is one that always comes to mind for me … “Read my lips… No new Taxes!”
First off, I'll work on your reelection campaign Dudley.
If I were king for a day here's my agenda.
1) Have Bill Gates publicly flogged for crimes against my computer.
2) Force Angelina Jolie to have her tubes tied. Enough Angie. You're not a rabbit.
3) Legalize Pot. It's become a just a silly discussion.
4) Make my dog Chester the national mascot. If we all approached life more like Chester we'd be a far better society.
5) Make Willie Nelson the secretary of agriculture. (see 3)
6) Call Jesse James to the Whitehouse for a discussion of why he's a douche bag.
7) Outlaw the ownership of Hummers and PT Cruisers.
Make it a federal crime, punishable by immediate death at the hands of any concerned citizen, to drive in the the far left or right lane and then try to merge at the last minute.
9) Make Phil the official national applewood pipe maker
10) Make Uncle the official Whitehouse handy man.
11) Make Dudley my Chief of Staff (assuming he loses his own reelection bid.
12) Deport Sarah Palin to Iceland so she and Bjork can shriek at each other out of earshot of the rest of the world.
13) Other stuff at my whim.
1 - Require all elected and appointed officials to be under oath 24/7 with any provable lies and purjury punishable by imprisonment and fine.
2 - Make any deliberate misrepresentation of the constitution a crime, as would be any incitement to armed opposition to our government.
3 - Hold media mouthpieces legally responsible for the criminal acts their lies incite.
4 - legalize smoking anything anywhere.
5 - Too big to fail is too big to exist - let the Wall Street hogs go bankrupt.
5 - Reduce the power of corporate shills on the supreme court by appointing jurists who stand up for the rights of the PEOPLE.
6 - Take away all rights of personhood from corporations - The Constitution and the bill of rights was written for "We the people" not "We the corporations".
7 - One six year term only for Congressmen, Senators and the President.
8 - Government administered, privately provided health care for all. Medicare part "E" for everyone. Why should only seniors get universal care? How about families with young children?
8 - Do away with income tax and reinstate tarrifs and a VAT - Protect American jobs
9 - Public funding only for campaigns with a two month campaign period prior to elections
10 - If you loose an election, get over it and be a loyal American. If you don't like the results, work within the framework of the Constitutional system to win the next one.
All great Ideas. Shame we can't just start over. Only this time follow that silly little thing called the Constitution.
Well I could find a church quicker than someone we know to go to .
Make Dudley my Chief of Staff (assuming he loses his own reelection bid.
If I lost the reelection, I'm at least more lovable than Rahmbo Emanuel, though sometimes my mouth is just as foul.
Outlaw abortion at any time and for any reason and make adoption easier. Make Jessica's law a federal offense.
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JC, Do I look any better?
"You know I do have to admit Phil could clean up a little… he is looking a little shaggy."
You look smoooth my friend.
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JC,
I've been told that "I shine up like a new penny" or at least the top of my head!
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