How Would You Respond To This?

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pipenscotch

Starting to Get Obsessed
Jul 19, 2012
116
0
I'm gonna try and make this story short. Just an FYI, maybe I'm over-reacting, maybe I'm not. I just want more opinions.
I have a select group of friends that I've kept for a number of years, all around my age (18-20), I'm 20. Not to be boastful, but I consider myself to be the most mature of the group. I hate becoming intoxicated to the point of sickness, they do it once a week, or more (a craft brew for me is more than enough, or a dram of good scotch). Their jokes are crude, rude, and sometimes wildly inappropriate. They can't resist "wheeling and dealing", or bedding as many women as possible (I've been with my girlfriend for a year now, and I intend to spend as much time, god willing, the rest of my life with her).
Now I don't want it to seem like I'm painting just a giant group of assholes here. They're good guys, they are. I've been there when they've cried their eyes out and laughed till the point of tears. But lately, as I've been getting older, and more time is spent pursuing my career path and spending time with my girlfriend (not to mention the wonderful hobby of pipes), I've been growing tired of their company. I'm staring to feel like a fish out of water when I hang out with them.
Now here's the rub. Recently, they played a joke on me. We have a group message on our phones, and they all acted out a scene where they were all at the bar, and my one friend got very drunk, started to drive, and was caught by the cops, and got a DUI. I was generally concerned for him, and didn't get much information at the time from any of them as to what happened. Well today they told me it was a joke. I was first taken aback, that's such an odd thing to play out like they did. Very bizarre. Secondly, DUI is not a laughing matter, to me anyways. Death by someone who was drunk driving is one of the most tragic occurrences, especially when it involves young lives. So it irked me when all that they told me didn't actually happen.
Like I said, maybe I'm overreacting. How would you respond? Do you think I'm being unreasonable and a little over dramatic?

 

voorhees

Lifer
May 30, 2012
3,834
937
Gonadistan
pipenscotch, believe it or not I was you twenty years ago. Conservative, lightweight drinker and dated the same girl for about 4 years in my early 20's. I had and still have for the most part the same core group of friends from that time. Now some were drinkers, whore chasers. Over time we went our separate ways but kept in touch. Those bonds we created then, even with the bad stuff binds us to this day. Several of these guys are now married, have kids and from the outside you'd never know they once had questionable morals.

Forgive them, find the few that will remain lifelong friends and create more memories.

For example, several of us still take a trip to Florida once a year just to hang out and relive the good old days.

 

philobeddoe

Lifer
Oct 31, 2011
7,404
11,574
East Indiana
It sounds like your friends are still young and immature and they act like it, don't judge them too harshly for being young and stupid. Don't be in too much of a hurry to get old and mature, it will happen soon enough on its own, just smoke a pipe and relax.

 

ravkesef

Lifer
Aug 10, 2010
2,912
9,179
81
Cheshire, CT
I'll weigh in with what one of my high school teachers said: "if your friends can't pull you up, don't let them pull you down." I changed my group of friends, and never looked back. That was over half a century ago.

 

mso489

Lifer
Feb 21, 2013
41,210
60,433
pipenscotch, what you describe is pretty standard with a group of male friends of that age. People drink too much,

pursue sex in hurtful ways, talk a lot of trash, and play ill-considered pranks, among other uneven behavior. You

probably need to distance yourself from them as a group, but as was suggested above, that doesn't mean you have

to jettison the whole gang. Recognize the ones who are growing up and showing some initiative and character, and

bring them along as friends for the future. Even the ones who seem particularly coarse and unruly may unfold in

unexpected and admirable ways, given time. As for the prank, don't over react. Just dryly point out the ways it could

have gone entirely wrong and let on that it didn't impress you. If I were held responsible for all of the bad choices I

made in my late teens and early twenties, I'd have been laid to rest long ago, and I'm grateful I was not.

 
Mar 1, 2014
3,646
4,916
The crux of the matter here is what a person's definition of "morality" is.
If you care about what is deemed acceptable by public opinion, you're overreacting.
Going by my standards, which are not defined by anyone's opinion, you need new friends. And a good kick in the behind yourself.

Which is not to say "get rid of the old ones", but rather, find people better than yourself and make sure you spend most of your time with them.

If you don't ascribe to the same standards as me then you can disregard everything I say.

 

hiplainsdrifter

Part of the Furniture Now
Jan 8, 2012
977
14
Do not miss this pivotal chance to change your life for the better. You won't miss em in two years.

 

smokeytay33

Starting to Get Obsessed
Aug 29, 2013
202
0
I am 23 years old. Recently I broke away from the group of friends I hung around with from the age of 14-20 years of age. And it was for the same reasons you describe above. I also don't want to boast or say I am better than them, but I felt way more mature. I still keep in touch with them. In fact, they were invited to my wedding this past summer. Their table was covered with beer bottles a half hour into the reception. They were the tackiest guests their. It just reinforced the fact that our interests were different and that we were at different places in our lives. I have met new friends in the past few years who I greatly enjoy spending time with. Unfortunately, most of them live out of state. I honestly spend most of my time with my spouse and enjoying our hobby (as well as working.)
To answer your question, you are not over reacting. Sadly, people's interests drift apart and people mature at different rates.

 

papipeguy

Lifer
Jul 31, 2010
15,778
35
Bethlehem, Pa.
ravkesef is a wise man and his advice is solid. Follow your gut and heart. It sounds like you're 90% on the way to moving on to another plateau in life. That's called "growing up". If your group sees you as a leader then they'll follow your lead; if they're stuck where they are then that's where you'll find them in 10 years.

You sound like someone who has his head on straight so you're headed in the right direction.

 

ocpsdan

Can't Leave
May 7, 2012
411
3
Michigan
As a twenty something myself, I can certainly admit to shenanigans. However I will say that as time passes you will change. Looking at myself four years ago I was a different person. Three years ago I was a different person. Two years ago I was a different person. All of those different versions helped to mold the person I am at this moment. Experiences big and small shake foundations over time. Will I be who I am today in a few weeks? Months? Years? Likely not.
Don't judge yourself or others too harshly, and allow both parties to act as they see fit in that moment. It will change with time, just don't be hasty. Consider your chaps to be a particularly foul pipe tobacco that may or may not get better with some age on it because who knows? Maybe they'll be just what you're looking for in a few years.

 

puffy

Lifer
Dec 24, 2010
2,511
98
North Carolina
First thing I would ask here..Is their drinking out of control.If it is you need new friends.There was a time in my life when I realized I couldn't continue drinking with my buddies without getting into trouble,so I left them behind and went on with my life..Only you know your situation..Do what is in your long term best interest.

 

fnord

Lifer
Dec 28, 2011
2,746
8
Topeka, KS
P&S:
Lord, I've got nothing to add here. You've already received wise counsel from some of the younger and older pipers on this site.
However, don't be surprised someday if one of those guys isn't the first one to show up in - pick your beat to shit, West Oklahoma, two traffic light burg - and bails your ass out of jail.
He'll be the friend who's as good as grass and finer than rain. Most of us have one of those guys we can turn to and, if God smiles, maybe we'll have two. They're to be treasured, bub.
MSO nailed it: "If I were held responsible for all of the bad choices I made in my late teens and early twenties, I'd have been laid to rest long ago, and I'm grateful I was not."
A former "asshole" friend,
Fnord

 

newbroom

Lifer
Jul 11, 2014
6,087
6,394
Florida
It certainly sounds like the group has disrespected you.
For some odd reason in America, we have a penchant for doing it with excesses of alcohol,

Nothing loosens inhibitions and sustains an illusion of imperium like it. And, from whence are these inhibitions? We don't tend to think about that, but most of us have 'em.

 

condorlover1

Lifer
Dec 22, 2013
7,993
26,607
New York
Excess is one of the crimes of youth. People mature and develop at different speeds. Being the product of an over regimented English boarding school everyone I knew who attended that establishment came out being prematurely 40 at the age of 18. When you drink to excess or indulge in anything beyond what is considered normal you will ultimately pay a heavy price later in life. It is often better to think where will that person be in twenty years. Living at home with their parents? Working in some menial job? Who knows. If you set a standard for yourself and follow it unbendingly then you my friend will succeed and be happy. I am sure the same cannot be said for your friends! Get rid of them and aspire to people who share your values.

 

numbersix

Lifer
Jul 27, 2012
5,449
53
A lot of good advice here. Firstly, I don't think your friends did anything other than to mess with you and have some fun. Pranks are part of being a young male I think. So personally I wouldn't get too angry with them.
However, it sounds like you're outgrowing your friends. What they're doing at 18 I was doing (to one degree or another) at 15-16. By 18 I had changed a lot and it sounds like you did too.

 
Dec 24, 2012
7,195
456
A lot of good advice here. Firstly, I don't think your friends did anything other than to mess with you and have some fun. Pranks are part of being a young male I think. So personally I wouldn't get too angry with them.
I agree with this. This may be hard to believe, but I pulled many far more outrageous pranks than the one described when I was that age. Friends are hard to find, and especially tough at that age when people mature at different speeds. Frankly, at 20 you shouldn't be thinking about spending the rest of your life with your girlfriend - you're 20 for God's sake and will only be 20 once. Go have some fun. Worry about settling down at 30.

 

cortezattic

Lifer
Nov 19, 2009
15,147
7,637
Chicago, IL
Sounds like a group that, despite its good attributes, serves to reenforce immature behavior. You need to cultivate a different circle of friends.

 
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