WASHINGTON, DC – The U.S. chapter of the Enlightened Pipe-smokers Alliance (EPA) announced Monday it has conclusively proven that consumption of luxury tobaccos contributes significantly to the phenomenon known as “global warming” (not to be confused with a similarly named environmental concern). The EPA studied behavior of hundreds of subscribers to the world’s foremost online pipe smoking forum, Pipesmagazine.com, to reach its conclusion.
“It’s no accident that we associate pipes with our most endearing and generous archetypal characters,” said one source. “Imagine Santa Claus without his pipe. But mythology had only made us suspect the link. Once we proved that link, we also wanted to learn whether good-hearted people chose to smoke pipes, or if pipes tended to make people good hearted.”
The study revealed a reciprocal association. “We found both were true. You can take the surliest bastard in the forum, stick a pipe in his mouth filled with one of his favorite tobaccos, and suddenly his fists relax and his temples stop pulsing. A puff on a good pipe is like a ‘hit of kindness’ – without disorienting his mental capabilities as an inebriant would.
“Or take the road-raging badass on the highway. Light him up and suddenly 55 is too fast for him. He’s moving over to let competitive drivers pass him, and he yields the intersection to other motorists. He enjoys his ride rather than focusing solely on his destination. I think that’s a lifestyle metaphor for the pipe smoking hobby – pipes help us enjoy the ride.”
But it was just as common for compassionate souls to migrate toward pipe-associated hobbies. These kind-hearted brothers and sisters of the briar sample and collect blends from around the world. Many collect and restore tobacco pipes. Some practice blending their own tobaccos.
“Pipe smoker generosity? Take this guy, Shantiques. Members send him pipes and tobacco and he – get this, now – he gives them to people free. Just sends them a box with a pipe and some quality tobaccos. Can you believe that?”
Part of the study involved showing volunteers off the street portraits with labels on them. Adhesive sensors connected to the subjects' bodies detected their physiological responses to the images and labels. Interpretations of the data quickly established a consistent pattern.
Subjects had no problem associating pipe smoking with members who were grandfathers, grandmothers, businessmen, businesswomen, mountain men, cowgirls, hipster chicks, college nerds, farmers, fire investigators, woodworkers, ministers, counselors, poets or philosophers. But shown a picture of a foaming-mouthed masked man labeled “tobacco abolitionist,” the subjects experienced cognitive dissonance, agitation, evidenced by violent responses from the sensors and by the subjects' involuntary frowns and head wags.
Follow-up interviews with the subjects explained why: no one could associate such maliciousness with pipe smokers.
In light of the EPA study, tobacco opponents may want to rethink their conviction that second hand, third hand and fourth hand smoke are such unhealthy things. Perhaps they are another way pipe smokers are “spreading the warmth,” globally.
“It’s no accident that we associate pipes with our most endearing and generous archetypal characters,” said one source. “Imagine Santa Claus without his pipe. But mythology had only made us suspect the link. Once we proved that link, we also wanted to learn whether good-hearted people chose to smoke pipes, or if pipes tended to make people good hearted.”
The study revealed a reciprocal association. “We found both were true. You can take the surliest bastard in the forum, stick a pipe in his mouth filled with one of his favorite tobaccos, and suddenly his fists relax and his temples stop pulsing. A puff on a good pipe is like a ‘hit of kindness’ – without disorienting his mental capabilities as an inebriant would.
“Or take the road-raging badass on the highway. Light him up and suddenly 55 is too fast for him. He’s moving over to let competitive drivers pass him, and he yields the intersection to other motorists. He enjoys his ride rather than focusing solely on his destination. I think that’s a lifestyle metaphor for the pipe smoking hobby – pipes help us enjoy the ride.”
But it was just as common for compassionate souls to migrate toward pipe-associated hobbies. These kind-hearted brothers and sisters of the briar sample and collect blends from around the world. Many collect and restore tobacco pipes. Some practice blending their own tobaccos.
“Pipe smoker generosity? Take this guy, Shantiques. Members send him pipes and tobacco and he – get this, now – he gives them to people free. Just sends them a box with a pipe and some quality tobaccos. Can you believe that?”
Part of the study involved showing volunteers off the street portraits with labels on them. Adhesive sensors connected to the subjects' bodies detected their physiological responses to the images and labels. Interpretations of the data quickly established a consistent pattern.
Subjects had no problem associating pipe smoking with members who were grandfathers, grandmothers, businessmen, businesswomen, mountain men, cowgirls, hipster chicks, college nerds, farmers, fire investigators, woodworkers, ministers, counselors, poets or philosophers. But shown a picture of a foaming-mouthed masked man labeled “tobacco abolitionist,” the subjects experienced cognitive dissonance, agitation, evidenced by violent responses from the sensors and by the subjects' involuntary frowns and head wags.
Follow-up interviews with the subjects explained why: no one could associate such maliciousness with pipe smokers.
In light of the EPA study, tobacco opponents may want to rethink their conviction that second hand, third hand and fourth hand smoke are such unhealthy things. Perhaps they are another way pipe smokers are “spreading the warmth,” globally.
# # #
