Could do With Some Supportive Comments, Thanks.

snewton · Mar 25, 2013

Hey Guys,

So tonight I made the decision to tell my mother that I enjoy smoking the occasional pipe (I only manage one or two on a weekend because she did't know) but I just wanted to be open and honest.

She didn't take it too great as most people who don't understand do. Focusing on nicotine and breathing in smoke even if you don't inhale (which I don't)

She said it wasn't fair for me to smoke if she can't (she spent a few years on the nails). That seemed an unfair comment to me. It was only a very short convo as she makes up her mind quick and then there can be no reasoning.

There was no argument because even though she is quick to snap I always keep a very calm tone.

It was a move I had to make but I now feel a bit mixed up because she is a bit vulnerable at the mo with one thing and another and I really didn't want to upset her. We are quite close. But I didn't want her finding out another way. Obviously I don't think the amount I smoke needs to be any kind of issue but I can't control other peoples perception. So I feel quite low now and some advice and personal experience from my friends here would go a long way to make me feel better. Thank you

swhipple · Mar 25, 2013

I think you did the right thing being open and honest. It was much better to have a conversation this way rather than when she found out by other means. Hopefully your Mom will come to understand and accept your pipe smoking.
A couple of smiles to cheer you up. :D :D :D

flmason · Mar 25, 2013

You made the correct choice and you were honest about including smoking a pipe. Even though she does not like your choice she should respect it.
My view is from a non smoker. I collect pipes since they remind me of my dad. I have some estate pipes in my collection but I am a non smoker.
Perhaps others who actually smoke can provide additional perspectives.
I hope all turns out well for you and your mom.

snewton · Mar 25, 2013

Thanks Guys thats great help.

She wouldn't take to pipes herself and I wouldn't really want her to with her history of addiction.

I definitely won't be smoking infront of her but I will be a bit more relaxed if she is out on a weekend, not panicking incase she comes back and sees.

Those smiles actually did help!

snewton · Mar 25, 2013

That is interesting flmason, I have never came across anyone who just collects. A nice way to think of your Dad.

To be honest I think of myself as a non-smoker seeing as I can go any length of time without a smoke, I just enjoy the one or two a week I do have. A smoker to my mind is someone who can't go without, as opposed to someone who won't go without. Thank you

snewton · Mar 25, 2013

Thanks Roth that is exactly what I am trying to keep reminding myself. Im a sucker for feeling guilty when I don't need to!

teufelhund · Mar 25, 2013

Probably the same argument I made before I left for the Marines to my mom. "I am an adult I need to make my own decisions regardless of whether you believe them to be mistakes. I am my own person there is no implicent fairness in my decision regarding you; there is only what I believe to be right and is my right as an adult. As always I love you and will always be grateful to you for your love and support and hope that it will continue...." Something along those lines. I only had to have that conversation once with her and it took about a month for her to come around; but I've never had to have a conversation like that with her ever again. Hang in there she's your mon, she'll love you no matter what...

pruss · Mar 25, 2013

Wow!
Good on you sir for choosing to be open and honest with your mom!
I'm sure that wasn't an easy conversation and that you're both still baring some of the angst/pain/fear/frustration. But, as others have said, it's SO MUCH better to have everything out in the open vs. trying to keep things hidden from her.
Life is about making choices, one of which is how we respond to our friends and family members who make decisions that we don't like, or that make us afraid. I hope that your mom comes around to the understanding that by coming clean with her about your desire to smoke a pipe, that you're inviting her to continue to be in an honest relationship with you... which is lots better than the alternative! :wink:
I smoked cigs for a long time, in large quantities daily, and quit them in 2006. When I picked up the pipe again in 2012 my wife was, understandably, concerned that I would become addicted to smoking/nicotine again. I made sure that I was/am really clear with her about why I want to smoke, how often I will smoke, what I get from smoking, and if she's worried or concerned about it she tells me and we talk about it. She loves me, and trusts me, and we work this stuff out.
I really hope, for you, that your mom can get past the fear/frustration/pain sooner than later and that you guys can work it out. It's totally doable.
Best,
-- Pat

puffy · Mar 25, 2013

If she's like my mother was.In time she will realize pipe smoking is something that you enjoy.She may wish that you didn't but she will accept that you do.

snewton · Mar 25, 2013

Thanks Teufel, I know she will always love me, I just hope she doesn't treat me any differently because of her perception of smoking. Especially in such a small way! It frustrates me that it needs to be any sort of issue at all!

snewton · Mar 25, 2013

Thanks Pat that was really helpful and very reassuring. I appreciate you taking the time to write that for me.

Puffy - I hope you are right. She can certainly be a tough cookie to crack!

cajunguy · Mar 25, 2013

It takes a hell of a guy to be considerate enough of her personal needs to address directly what is a volatile issue. In time, she'll appreciate your honesty and candor. In the end, however, you are your own man and need to do what feels right. It seems you're doing that on both accounts. Take solace and pride in that. Time has a wonderful way of smoking out the rough edges.
All the best,

snewton · Mar 25, 2013

Thanks Cajunguy, that was almost poetic!

I do wish we were all on the same side of the pond so that I would have opportunity of meeting some of you and the sharing of a bowl or two.

javajunkie · Mar 25, 2013

Dude, I do feel for your situation. In point of fact, there is no way you could fairly NOT tell her: hearing you describe your (and her) situation, if she were to find out without you being honest and up front about it, it truly would have been a wedge more than a speed bump. And, God willing, that is all this is, a speed bump.

snewton · Mar 25, 2013

Thank you Javajunkie. I think it is a shame for all of us that people get that sort of opinion the second you mention any form of tobacco.

papipeguy · Mar 25, 2013

OK, you told Mom and she didn't like it. Good move on your part. Ultimately there is only one person you need to feel great about and that is YOU. I found that once I discovered that I really didn't care what anyone thought me that I felt liberted. I'm lucky to have a wonderful family and many close friends. I believe that is because I'm honest about who and what I am.

You've made the first step in that direction. Carry on and be very, very happy about being you.

peckinpahhombre · Mar 25, 2013

Being open and honest will get you no where. Anyone here who is married will know that.

snewton · Mar 25, 2013

Hehe I am already well aware of that peckinpah, My girlfriend/partner of over three years has been living with us for over a year and I am now well up to speed with the female mind. Of course I wouldn't claim to understand it.

Papipeguy, It is definitely that attitude that I need a bit more of!

papipeguy · Mar 25, 2013

snewton, attitude comes with age and experience. As for dealing with the female mind- forget it. Those of us who have been married for a few centuries have long since come to terms that it is, ultimately, a losing battle. Just go with the flow, practice saying, "Yes, dear" and move on. Women can hold onto a mood forever if they have a mind to.

snewton · Mar 25, 2013

I am definitely getting the fight squashed out of me now and have realised having my own thoughts and opinions is much harder than just nodding and going along with it! At least she completely doesn't mind the pipe!

Could do With Some Supportive Comments, Thanks.

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