Chili Contest

Log in

SmokingPipes.com Updates

New Cigars




PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

Status
Not open for further replies.

colcolt

Part of the Furniture Now
Jun 11, 2012
856
0
I needed something to perk me up today and this did it. Sometimes we just need to laugh a little.
Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then you need to develop a sense of humor.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 ---- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I s**t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

crpntr1

Lifer
Dec 18, 2011
1,981
156
Texas
I was intent not to laugh cause its been that kind of day...I made it to chili #3 :rofl:

Thanks for that

 

tokerpipes

Lifer
Jan 16, 2012
2,042
690
45
Eatonville, WA
Ok I finished. I am crying from laughter. Damn good story. I have been to a few chili cook offs and judged a couple I have been in judge# 3's position.

 

colcolt

Part of the Furniture Now
Jun 11, 2012
856
0
I just howled the first time I read that. We had a chili cook off at work several years back and I know how Judge #3 felt. Some guy dumped a whole bottle of Harold's Dangerously Hot sauce in his brew and it didn't take me but a spoonful to realize I'd messed up. I drank two big glasses of tea after just a spoonful of that fire he cooked up. Some guys ate it like it was steak while sweat poured off their foreheads...crazy.

 

tokerpipes

Lifer
Jan 16, 2012
2,042
690
45
Eatonville, WA
I have a recipe for a chili that starts with 12 fire roasted Habenjero's I haven't attempted it yet but its getting pulled out when I try a chili cook off.

 

colcolt

Part of the Furniture Now
Jun 11, 2012
856
0
This site's got some hot stuff on it. Great for the adventurous soul.
http://peppers.com/cube/Hot-Sauces/H-D-H-Harold-39-s-Dangerously-Hot-Sauce-5oz/prod_1210.html

 

martiniman

Part of the Furniture Now
Apr 6, 2012
885
2
Great story but you knew he was going to be in trouble when he was looking for the "coors light tent" apparently has has super sensitive taste buds..........

 
Jul 15, 2011
2,363
31
Someone posted this a little less than a year ago, and I have a really hard time searching for it. Thanks for bringing it back, because every time I read this I go into a laughing fit so hard my girlfriend is afraid I will wet myself.

 

winton

Lifer
Oct 20, 2010
2,318
771
I saw that on a bar-b-que site a few years ago, but it is still seriously funny. Another simliar entry described a green sausa as "THAT COLOR DOES NOT OCCUR IN NATURE. IT LOOKS LIKE SWAMP THING TOOK A LEAK!!!!!"

 

riptide

Part of the Furniture Now
Jul 27, 2010
662
12
Colorado
Shit I laughed so hard I swallowed smoke from the pipe in my mouth the burped it out through my nose. still laughing. :rofl:

 

colcolt

Part of the Furniture Now
Jun 11, 2012
856
0
Glad to see some enjoyed it. I nearly spit iced tea on my monitor first time I read it and almost got choked.

 
Status
Not open for further replies.