The Royal Yacht Fanclub Manifesto
There are many tobaccos, but hovering above the top of the heap is perhaps the noblest of them all,
Royal Yacht. Comprised of Virginias sent through a proprietary process that brings out their hidden strength, this blend has delighted pipers and Nicotine-addicted maniacs for over a century.
1. If Royal Yacht tastes like old gym socks dipped in kerosene, should I keep smoking it?
Obviously something is off about your palate. Consider fasting for several weeks and drinking nothing but water to reset your tongue. If you can find a way to add Nicotine to those gym socks, I'll give it a try.
2. Wouldn't you rather be smoking a more complex blend?
I'll consider it, when I run out of
Royal Yacht. Until then, keep your art student tobaccos away from me.
3. I smoke five bowls a week. How much Royal Yacht should I order?
You're thinking about this all wrong. If you have sixteen conscious hours a day, that is approximately 14 bowls of tobacco at 3g each. This means you can smoke six tins of
Royal Yacht a week, which means you need two and a half pounds of
Royal Yacht a month. Subtract your current age from 100, and multiply that times 36 to find the number of pounds you need. For starters.
4. The last time I smoked Royal Yacht, I woke up on the floor and strange dancing women were attempting to seduce me, shortly before I was hauled off to jail for crimes I do not remember committing.
This is a fairly typical
Royal Yacht experience. Smoke at home, and say hello to the ladies for me. Some members of the fanclub chain themselves to their chairs before enjoying to avoid the high legal services bills.
5. All of my friends refer to Royal Yacht as "Royal Yuck." They seem to think it is disgusting. Is there any legitimacy to their viewpoint?
Every viewpoint is legitimate. However, some people are just crazy. You need new friends. You'll thank me later.