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The strangest thing happened yesterday at my family doctor’s office. I was having a “required wellness physical”, involving a megalithic monotony of “enhanced interrogations” and form-filling-outing ad infinitum, ad nauseam… health surveys, “risk assessments”, etc etc etc etc (And do you have your living will in order?)
Finally it came, as I knew it would. The Question was (at the very head of a veritable fuster cluck of alcohol imbibing, recreational illicit illegal drug using, at risk sexual behavioring [like I wish, mon], deep-fried fat food eating, etc etc etc etc): “Do you smoke cigarettes, cigars, pipes, or use tobacco in any form regularly?”
Well… ahem… define “regularly”? Ah did NOT, have sayex, with that woman!! Anyways, I have this thing about honesty and integrity. This is the first time they re-asked the question in the last 6 years of my re-taking up the pipe. I’ve been told to lie about his by others… save yourself the heartache of the constant badgering… save yourself from the over bearing, overweening and contemptuous insurance thugs, save yourself from governmental goonie-men and bullies, etc etc.
So, I circled the word “pipe” and scribbled in “irregularly only”, which truly is the gospel truth. (Although irregularity troubles me daily some weeks… but some, not at all!!)
The intake-nurse read down all the questions, verifying/clarifying my reponses. “Like: blablablablablablablablablablablabla, check, dot. blablablablablablablablablablablabla, check, dot. blablablablablablablablablablablabla, check, dot.”
She came to The Pipe Question: “blablablablablablablablablablablabla, check, dot.” And she did nary raise a brow nor snarc a smirk. Nuttin… just movin’ on! Wow! I was stunned. But she is not the Big Gun there, he was coming in next with his rubber glove (or whatever non-allergenic, non-cancer-causing, non-biohazardous crap they make those out of now), Vaseline(or whatever non-petroleum-based, non-allergenic, non-cancer-causing, non-biohazardous crap they use for that nowadays), and similar accouterments to your basic “wellness physical”. Back to the nurse. “Oops, you’re due for a tetanus today!” Drat! “Do you want pertussis with that?” (Seriously, that is exactly what she said!) No, just two fingers of tetanus and one ice. Omg, why did I have to say TWO fingers. Anyways, if you answer ANYTHING remotely yes for tobacco, their damned computer literally RED FLAGS the bejeezus out of it. So there it was, first item, on Dr. Big Gun’s rundown sheet, red flags and all.
I brace myself. Me and this doc have been associated for almost 40 years, he has delivered all three of my now adult children, I have indeed been lectured, scolded, pontificated upon, cajoled, sometimes coerced… all in fairness and righteousness, you understand. I accept responsibility for my many stupidies. I hold my breath… he reads. He reads on. He reads until I KNOW he is well past The Tobacco Question. Blessed and praised be!! Same as the nurse… nary a raised brow, nor snarc, nor smirk, nor nada nothing no how! Yes, Virginia(s)(and VaPers, and Balkans, and Kentuckians, and Morton Frogs, and and and!!!), there IS a Santy Claws!!!! I walked out of there free as a bird!! I just had to share this with The Forum here!! It was just too good not to share… as purt near ALL of us have been badgered out there for our pipe-y pleasures, at least to some extent.
Finally, I thought it is interesting to note, that there were NO instantly observable smoking “symptoms” in my body… even with sometimes irregularly smoking a pipe daily. My lungs were indistinguishable from a non-smoker’s. The only outward and visible sign of inward and invisible smoking sins are apparently tobacco stains on the back of my teeth.(which I can’t see and neither can anyone else… except the snarky lady at the dentist’s orifice with that hinky little bent mirror thingie… but that’s another story.)
Finally it came, as I knew it would. The Question was (at the very head of a veritable fuster cluck of alcohol imbibing, recreational illicit illegal drug using, at risk sexual behavioring [like I wish, mon], deep-fried fat food eating, etc etc etc etc): “Do you smoke cigarettes, cigars, pipes, or use tobacco in any form regularly?”
Well… ahem… define “regularly”? Ah did NOT, have sayex, with that woman!! Anyways, I have this thing about honesty and integrity. This is the first time they re-asked the question in the last 6 years of my re-taking up the pipe. I’ve been told to lie about his by others… save yourself the heartache of the constant badgering… save yourself from the over bearing, overweening and contemptuous insurance thugs, save yourself from governmental goonie-men and bullies, etc etc.
So, I circled the word “pipe” and scribbled in “irregularly only”, which truly is the gospel truth. (Although irregularity troubles me daily some weeks… but some, not at all!!)
The intake-nurse read down all the questions, verifying/clarifying my reponses. “Like: blablablablablablablablablablablabla, check, dot. blablablablablablablablablablablabla, check, dot. blablablablablablablablablablablabla, check, dot.”
She came to The Pipe Question: “blablablablablablablablablablablabla, check, dot.” And she did nary raise a brow nor snarc a smirk. Nuttin… just movin’ on! Wow! I was stunned. But she is not the Big Gun there, he was coming in next with his rubber glove (or whatever non-allergenic, non-cancer-causing, non-biohazardous crap they make those out of now), Vaseline(or whatever non-petroleum-based, non-allergenic, non-cancer-causing, non-biohazardous crap they use for that nowadays), and similar accouterments to your basic “wellness physical”. Back to the nurse. “Oops, you’re due for a tetanus today!” Drat! “Do you want pertussis with that?” (Seriously, that is exactly what she said!) No, just two fingers of tetanus and one ice. Omg, why did I have to say TWO fingers. Anyways, if you answer ANYTHING remotely yes for tobacco, their damned computer literally RED FLAGS the bejeezus out of it. So there it was, first item, on Dr. Big Gun’s rundown sheet, red flags and all.
I brace myself. Me and this doc have been associated for almost 40 years, he has delivered all three of my now adult children, I have indeed been lectured, scolded, pontificated upon, cajoled, sometimes coerced… all in fairness and righteousness, you understand. I accept responsibility for my many stupidies. I hold my breath… he reads. He reads on. He reads until I KNOW he is well past The Tobacco Question. Blessed and praised be!! Same as the nurse… nary a raised brow, nor snarc, nor smirk, nor nada nothing no how! Yes, Virginia(s)(and VaPers, and Balkans, and Kentuckians, and Morton Frogs, and and and!!!), there IS a Santy Claws!!!! I walked out of there free as a bird!! I just had to share this with The Forum here!! It was just too good not to share… as purt near ALL of us have been badgered out there for our pipe-y pleasures, at least to some extent.
Finally, I thought it is interesting to note, that there were NO instantly observable smoking “symptoms” in my body… even with sometimes irregularly smoking a pipe daily. My lungs were indistinguishable from a non-smoker’s. The only outward and visible sign of inward and invisible smoking sins are apparently tobacco stains on the back of my teeth.(which I can’t see and neither can anyone else… except the snarky lady at the dentist’s orifice with that hinky little bent mirror thingie… but that’s another story.)
