The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

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crazypipe

Lifer
Sep 23, 2012
3,484
0
Hello Toes:
An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth..
He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked on the park in the summer everySunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"
"Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today... Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92...
:puffy:

 

mirain

Starting to Get Obsessed
Jan 5, 2011
193
7
A man goes into a Barnes & Noble Bookstore and asks a young clerk, "Do

you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember

the title."
The clerk replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
The man said, "That's the one. I'll take a copy."

 

freakiefrog

Part of the Furniture Now
Dec 26, 2012
745
2
Mississippi
Ok so a couple goes to the doctor with relationship problem's. The man explains that he wants the doctor to watch them make love. So the doctor agreed and after about 15 minutes the couple were getting dressed. The doctor looks at them and says it looks as if every thing is working properly. Gave them a doctors excuse for work. A week later the couple is back with the same story, once again the doctor watches and finds nothing wrong send them on their way. On the third week the couple is back and the doctor stops them and explains that there is nothing further he can do for them. They laughed and said they know there is nothing wrong and that they were both married to other people and that a hotel room is $80.00 a day where as he's only $30.00 and will give them a note for work..

 

joshwolftree

Part of the Furniture Now
ODR1U.jpg


 

crazypipe

Lifer
Sep 23, 2012
3,484
0
THE BLONDE MORTICIAN
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

 

crazypipe

Lifer
Sep 23, 2012
3,484
0
Men are so romantic
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text...
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you."
He replied... "I am taking a dump. What should I do?" :puffy:

 

crazypipe

Lifer
Sep 23, 2012
3,484
0
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Bonus: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband. :puffy:

 

scurvydog

Starting to Get Obsessed
May 23, 2012
229
1
Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 student
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked

the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler

that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped

over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she

could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.

 
Aug 1, 2012
4,587
5,131
I went to a Baptist church for much of my young life so I can appreciate this one. I hope you all enjoy.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

 

trailspike48

Part of the Furniture Now
Jan 15, 2013
767
2
A man in bed with a married woman had to hide in the closet when her husband showed up unexpectedly. While he was hiding a voice says, Kinda dark in here isn't it, the guy asked what are you doing in here? and the voice said just playing catch. Then would you like to buy my ball?, the guy asks how much and the voice says $50.00. The guy responds that's kinda high! So the voice says I'm not sure let me go ask my dad. The guy quickly decides to buy the ball for $50.00. That week the little boy goes to confession and when he enters he says, Kinda dark in here isn't it. The father says, Don't start that shit again.

 
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