The Joke Thread: Not Safe For Work (NSFW)

Log in

SmokingPipes.com Updates

New Cigars




PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor

Status
Not open for further replies.

spartan

Lifer
Aug 14, 2011
2,963
7
Keep the military jokes a comin.
I know you got more. Pour yourself a whiskey and let er rip. :puffy:

 

martiniman

Part of the Furniture Now
Apr 6, 2012
885
2
:laughat: I have a new favorite joke, Thanks Lawrence.. :laughat:
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini...

The bartender says:"Olive or Twist?"
I never saw this thread before, thanks for bumping it back up....

 

crazypipe

Lifer
Sep 23, 2012
3,484
0
As we are progressing towards the end of 2012, I want to thank you all

for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed

up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,

nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying

about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine

what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving

because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's

nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only

imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on

the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo

in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with

every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same

reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub

full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered

if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within

five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because

it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,

so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water

in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,

disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a

needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug

me with a perfume sample and rob me..
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask

me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls

to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a

big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant

death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a

dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed

there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the

Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in

the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land

on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the

fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you

to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it

actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s

ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's

beautician!
Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina, after a

lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain

activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because

I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..
NOW, YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

 

crazypipe

Lifer
Sep 23, 2012
3,484
0
As we are progressing towards the end of 2012, I want to thank you all

for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed

up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,

nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying

about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine

what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving

because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's

nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only

imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on

the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo

in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with

every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same

reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub

full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered

if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within

five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because

it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,

so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water

in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,

disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a

needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug

me with a perfume sample and rob me..
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask

me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls

to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a

big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant

death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a

dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed

there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the

Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in

the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land

on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the

fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you

to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it

actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s

ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's

beautician!
Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina, after a

lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain

activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because

I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..
NOW, YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

 

crazypipe

Lifer
Sep 23, 2012
3,484
0
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

crazypipe

Lifer
Sep 23, 2012
3,484
0
b1926_turkey-790283.jpg


 

crazypipe

Lifer
Sep 23, 2012
3,484
0
bubba the furniture dealer
Bubba, a furniture dealer from Arkansas,decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

 

crazypipe

Lifer
Sep 23, 2012
3,484
0
Three middle-aged men are golfing one day. All are proud parents, and so they begin to brag about their children.
“My son is doing incredibly well for himself,” the first man says. “He’s a lawyer, and he’s just rolling in the money! In fact, he has so much money that he bought his friend a sports car.”
The second man says, “I can top that. My son is even wealthier! He’s a skilled brain surgeon; he makes a fortune. He has so much money that he bought his friend a huge house.”
“What about you, Frank?” the two men ask their friend.
Frank sheepishly looks at his feet. “Well, my son is, um … well, he’s in gay porn.”
His two friends express their condolences before Frank speaks one more:
“Still, I guess he’s doing well for himself. After all, he has a huge house and drives a brand-new sports car.”

 

crazypipe

Lifer
Sep 23, 2012
3,484
0
NORTH CAROLINA DEPUTY SHERIFF
vs
NEW YORK LAWYER
Only in NC my friends... Only in NC ...
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, N C. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the NORTH CAROLINA deputy's expense.
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer..
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign..'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket. '
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?' :rofl:
God Bless NORTH CAROLINA

 

crazypipe

Lifer
Sep 23, 2012
3,484
0
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When
the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , USA ,

they decided to send it to President Obama.
Obama was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a
$ 5.00 bill.
He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending

the money. However, I noticed that for

some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C. and that asshole Obama took $95.00 in taxes.

 

crazypipe

Lifer
Sep 23, 2012
3,484
0
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.
She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

 
Status
Not open for further replies.