Marriage + PAD + TAD

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hakchuma

Preferred Member
Jan 13, 2014
771
0
So,I'm getting married in about 5 weeks. I live comfortably, never have any real money problems but I'm certainly not rich. I pay all the bills, bought our house and my fiancé contributes about $200.00 a month because she doesn't make much money.
Anyway, I'm not getting cold feet, I'm just getting a bit worried about what I get to spend after we are married because we agreed both our incomes becomes 'ours' and we will be making an effort as a team and will have discussions about future purchases to keep ourselves secure and open about finances.
So, I did what any non-married free roaming buck would do.... I just bought six new pipes and the mother of all TAD purchases. So large in fact that it Is almost laughable. The way I see it is right now I don't have to ask for permission or forgiveness. :)
Now I just have to explain to her that our deal was to put our plan into play after we are married, and I wasn't married when I bought it. See how that works lol?
still think I'm gonna be in the dog house though lol
But what's really weird is that I'm posting this on a forum so I must be feeling guilty and need to get it off my chest. Come on gents, give me some back up please :)

 

prairiedruid

Preferred Member
Jun 30, 2015
1,676
3
Just work out a budget that gives each of you some "mad" money every month to do what you please with. That way she can buy what she wants with no guilt and you can buy tobacco/pipes guilt free as well. Congrats on your upcoming nuptials.

 

cosmicfolklore

Preferred Member
Aug 9, 2013
17,893
80
First congratulations, I've been married for a few months, and they are the best months of my life.
Second...

we agreed both our incomes becomes 'ours'
We took a different approach. Both of us are on our second marriage and both of our divorces partially stemmed from money issues. So, we decided to keep everything separate. We both own our own business and have been keeping these two separate for the whole 9 years that we have known each other. And, they are not equal. My business brings in about 4 times as much as hers, because she is retail, and mine relies of contract repair work. So, we decided to just divvy up bills. She pays the vet, power, and water bill, and I pay everything else. Then we alternate between who pays for dinners when we go out to eat or groceries. We also both pay a monthly percentage into a savings account. Other than that, I never look at her bank account, and mine is mine. She can buy whatever shoes or stuff she wants, and so can I. If we have the money, its not the other's business.
That's not the normal way to do it, but it works for us. I can't complain about her shopping, and she doesn't complain about my pipes and tobacco.

 

cortezattic

Preferred Member
Nov 19, 2009
14,389
122
Chicago, IL
hakchuma,

The very fact that you posted that confession bespeaks your feelings of guilt and remorse.

This is a good thing. Now, do something to atone for your self-indulgence.

Your timing of that purchase is a mere technicality. Examine your heart. Marriage is a union; make it so.
Of course, my marriage has its own foibles...

 

fadingdaylight

Preferred Member
Jan 8, 2013
1,194
0
+1 prairiedruid. My wife and I are working on establishing a similar system. That way, we each have an alloted pocket money amount each month. If I decide to save some of mine up for a few months then have a PAD attack, she doesn'the care. Everything in balance.

 

orobusto

Member
Aug 22, 2015
199
0
Don't feel guilty, you bought yourself a gift. We also do like prariedruid and each put a certain amount from our checks into a joint account for house/family stuff and keep the rest in our own personal accounts for our own whims. That being said, I still intercept the UPS driver :)

 

redpanda

Member
Sep 11, 2015
286
0
You have done the right thing my friend.Shop now,while you still can because things will be different after.I've been married for 8 years now:)))

 

aggravatedfarmer

Preferred Member
Sep 9, 2015
866
0
Congrats. Seems we are floating on the same waters. My fiancé and I are expecting our child in January. I've made a couple purchase that made me feel guilty. The one pipe I bought I may try to flip for some tobacco later. Here's the deal on how to avoid guilt. Buy way ahead of time. I'm talking months. We live pretty modestly and she is a frugal spender, she does the majority of the grocery shopping and I pay for it. Technically I spend about a thousand dollars a month on us right now. When the baby comes add another $500 easily. So if I were you I'd wouldn't worry. Just stay ahead of the game.

 

phred

Preferred Member
Dec 11, 2012
1,755
0
That's not the normal way to do it, but it works for us.
Why be normal? My wife and I also make different amounts, even though we're both IT professionals - I spent most of my early career at a non-profit, while she went into medical/healthcare IT. We had financial issues early in our marriage, and working them out is one thing that kept us together. We separated our accounts in order to force the two of us to talk about money (as neither of us makes enough to cover everything we want), and we each have a personal spending account that we can use for whatever - pipes and tobacco, books, tea, more books, tobacco and pipes, teapots, still more books, whatever... :D

 

deathmetal

Preferred Member
Jul 21, 2015
7,724
0
Many marriages operate by trust, with each partner trusting the other to know the general financial profile and not exceed it. In our neurotic modern time, the biggest question with most purchases is utility. "Do we actually need this?" and "Will this actually be used?" apply to a lot more than pipes/tobacco/shoes.

 

mso489

Preferred Member
Feb 21, 2013
25,899
76
All couples have to find a fair, good and comfortable balance to budgeting their money. When first married, my late wife went out and bought several hundred dollars worth of clothes and I was alarmed but said nothing. Later I realized that she did this only every year or two and needed the clothes for work, and that she was an intensely thrift conscious person.

 

hakchuma

Preferred Member
Jan 13, 2014
771
0
All great suggestions and input than you! Have any suggestions or tactics of how to intercept the the UPS truck? Lol. Or as my fiancé would call it 'the @:mad:&$ brown truck lol

 

cosmicfolklore

Preferred Member
Aug 9, 2013
17,893
80
Start this relationship off right. Don't hide the purchases. Be honest, forthcoming, and proud... tell her that all pipes cost $50. Learned that one from Bradly, ha ha.

 

lochinvar

Preferred Member
Oct 22, 2013
1,302
4
You need to stand up for yourself and be an equal partner. That doesn't mean run roughshod or treat the love of your life poorly, but so many men are afflicted with this idea that they are guilty of something when they buy things for themselves that it makes me sick. You are turning someone you are supposed to love into a despot (she may be, she may not be). Pipe tobacco is one of your consumables that brings joy to your life. Do you feel bad when you buy coffee? on the flip side, do you make your fiance feel guilty when she makes purchases?
I learned in my first marriage, if you are walking on eggshells concerning your partners reaction to your behaviors and are always in fear of the "dog house".....you are in the wrong relationship.

 

redpanda

Member
Sep 11, 2015
286
0
Cosmic:Ha ha,right! $ 50..I've done that.I have been anywhere between $50 and $80 for better looking pieces.C'mon it's a noble cause lie.:)))

 

rcstan

Preferred Member
Mar 7, 2012
1,468
0
Sunset Beach NC
OP
A lot of good will come out from you guys listening to each other and not making one-sided decisions. If you buy a new Dunhill and tell your better half to go pound sand when she asks you to take her out to a restaurant, that's a problem. If you decide to cut the grocery budget down to peanut butter and jelly so you can build the baccy cellar from 50 tins to 300 tins, that's a problem. If she relies on you for some sort of financial support, and you treat her like crap, and decide to blow money on TAD and PAD, that is a problem. If you go out with the boys, forbid her to have any friends, AND blow money on pipes and baccy, that's a problem.

Treat her as you'd want her to treat you, and don't do anything you wouldn't want her to do to you.

 

hakchuma

Preferred Member
Jan 13, 2014
771
0
Funny you bring that up aggravate farmer. I was just having a discussion with my fiancé and told her that the closet in my office will be my man cave.
I already use the closet to store tobacco, and I just made a space to hang my cobs in it. I told her that it will be the last and only remaining expression of self identity. I'll use it to store and show case my native flutes and regalia etc. told her I will be putting a lock on the door. She didn't like that at all.
It ultimately lead to me forcing oppression upon her by the way of a under-arm tickle on the floor. But alas, she maneuvered herself expertly and placed me Into a Chinese thumb lock. I attribute this skill to her years living in Hawaii as far as I could tell. However I was unable to break free. Who knew?
I think I may need to attempt a more diplomatic approach on my man cave in the future. I will endever to persevere.