Lost my Sponsee and Friend

[transpose]

It’s not supposed to work out like this. There is zero chance that I would have 8 1/2 years of clean time if it weren’t for my sponsor. 4 months ago I had a guy that was fresh in his recovery reach out to me to be his sponsor. I had only been accountability partners and mentors so I told him I needed a day to think about it. The following day I told him that I truly believe the is the next right thing in my recovery that I’m being asked to do. Our 4 month journey started. He made such great progress. We celebrated his benchmarks, talked through his struggles, sat in silence when silence was right, and mostly, just felt the freedom and trust to share our darkest secrets. He was always willing to do the work required even when it took him stepping way out of his comfort zone. We communicated every day for the last 120 days. One thing that I kept reminding him of was to call me if he was thinking about picking up again. I told him to call me even if he was on his way to his dealer, and that I obviously couldn’t physically stop him, so at minimum just let me know what’s going on. I told him that in reality, most people never make it to the other side of this, BUT, I have this quiet confidence that HE WOULD BE THE EXCEPTION!! I truly believed it with all my heart, and told him that often.
Well, yesterday was the first day in 4 months that I didn’t receive a check-in. My sponsee had relapsed the night before. The stuff that he got ahold of was laced and his heart stopped beating. I cannot describe the hurt that I am feeling and the thoughts of, “Maybe if I...”. I have reached out to a few friends in recovery, but outside of that, most people I know just don’t know much about addiction and sponsorship. This was my first and only sponsee that I have had, and this is beyond the worst outcome that I could have ever imagined. I thought I would post this here for two reasons. 1. So I could share with someone how I’m feeling, and 2. With the thought that maybe there is someone in the pipe family that has had a similar experience. Thanks for listening guys.
-david (transpose)

 

[mikethompson]

David, I can't imagine what you are feeling, but it isn't your fault. You need to know this.
I haven't been in that situation personally, but I hope you find the closure that you need.

 

[workman]

I'm sorry about your friend. You've done a good deed and you need to remember that, even if your grief makes it hard.

 

[litup]

David - I don't have anything wise to say. It just seems to me that the moment we start to care about people we put our whole view of life-as-we-know-it at risk. But you did the hard thing and the right thing by doing just that. I'm so sorry that it's led to heartache, grief, anger, or whatever else you might be feeling right now. But I am thankful that there are still people like you who are willing to sit with someone for 120 days and just be there for them. Peace be with you.

 

[blackadderlxx]

Oh man that's so terrible. I'm so sorry to hear about this. My oldest nephew died a couple of years ago, he was clean then relapsed, it was pretty much the same story. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life. Then I had to officiate his funeral while he was in an open casket like three feet from me. It was absolutely horrible. One of the worst days of my life. Hang tough. It's not your fault. Nobody can make anyone do or not do anything. Everyone has a choice.

 

[carolinachurchwarden]

David, I have never had to deal with what you have dealt with and could never imagine exactly how you feel, but just as Mike said, you should know that this is not your fault in any way. All those "I could've" and "I should've" thoughts are going to flash through your head, even though there's not much you could have done in this situation. How could you have possibly, ever known?
It's heartbreaking, I know. It's very sad and hard to deal with, but please don't blame yourself.
I know it will take you some time, but please find some help for your sanity in this moment of tragedy. Seek out your sponsor and talk to them as well if you can. When the time is right, if and when you feel like you're ready again, don't be afraid to try again. You just have to know that you can't be in control of anyone else's actions when something bad happens.
Please take care of yourself, brother.

 

[saltedplug]

It's not your fault. It sounds like both of you really benefited by the sponsorship. But most people don't want to get clean and sober, and that's the sad fact, no matter that addiction is destroying them. If they get sober they don't do the work of recovery, which as you know can be back-breaking. They may get time band seem to be recovering, and they relapse at 10 or 20 years because they didn't go deep enough, and they sell out. My daughter is in jail for the third time in a year due to her addiction.
Sponsees are going to do what they're going to do. If you stay clean and sober you'll be ready to help the next guy who reaches out.

 

[ashdigger]

This is not on you. We all have our demons and how we handle them is ultimately up to us. The biggest thing you can do is a deep dive into self care and then help someone else.

 

[jpmcwjr]

What the other guys have said. Not on you at all, and I hope the pain you're experiencing leaves you soon.

 

[lawmax3]

So sorry to hear this news. Its tough loosing a friend.

You did your best, so try not to think you are responsible for what happened.

I'm sure there are others that will need your help.

 

[trudger]

David, I’m in the program. Call your sponsor, or go to a meeting if you can’t get ahold of him. I’ve been there and the most important part of sponsorship is that you stay sober. You can carry the message but you can’t carry the man. Talk to your people in the program, pick up the phone or get to a meeting. You’ve got some years, you know what to do, do it and stay sober!
Eric

 

[sablebrush52]

It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. You offered your help and your support to the best of your ability. That is all you can do. You can't control your sponsee's recovery. "If only" thinking is usually a trap. There's no knowing what "might have" happened and you're not expected to be clairvoyant. In any sponsor/sponsee relationship your first concern is your own recovery. That was also true for your sponsee.
I'm very sorry for your loss and for the death of your sponsee.

 

[anthonyrosenthal74]

So sorry to hear about this. Condolences to you and his family. Don't let this stop you from helping someone else. You were doing a great thing.

 

[onestrangeone]

Definitely not your fault or anything that you could have done to stop it. Best thing you can do is go ahead and greave for your friend and dive back into the program. I do morn the loss of another brother but at the moment I’m more concerned with YOU. Service work, meetings and your sponsor will help but it’s up to your HP to carry you through this.

C&S since 9-26-06

Nathan

 

[transpose]

Guy, I really appreciate you. I was hesitant to post this, but your responses alone have made me feel a little better so I’m grateful that I did. Thanks for caring and being a group of good dudes.

 

[lightmybriar]

You did what you could and that was excellent. Very sad story but very good of you to help! Don’t let this deter you from your course. Condolences.

 

[stevecourtright]

Know that you are a good man, transpose, in a world half full of half-assers.

 

[saltedplug]

Addiction is deadly. A good looking young man of about 25 came in over the summer, seemed to take hold. But then his meetings dwindled. You don't know you're selling out when headed for a relapse, but if your meeting attendance goes down, that's objective. Anyway, he went back out in October, was in detox over the holidays and turned up dead three weeks ago.
I worked with this guy, and he was all kinds of enthusiastic, but he went out and he's dead.
Recovery is a strange world with strange ideas at the start. My favorite is that it is the first drink that kills you. It took me about a year to understand that. I sat at meeting at about six months and I'm thinking, "Will these people ever shut up about alcohol! I'm sober and everybody in the room is sober. I got this." Right! At a year and a half I understood.

 

[npod]

David, thank you for posting this heartfelt story. As someone deeply involved in the world of recovery and addiction I understand your pain and confusion over this matter. The consequences of the journey takes its toll on all involved. At this point remember to work on yourself and process it correctly. Pain is pain and you are certainly feeling it now. I feel for you and walk along side of you.

 

[redone]

You are hero for helping others and I am truly sorry for your loss. Please don’t lose heart and I hope you continue your journey of helping others, praying for many successes in the future. People like you are the reason we have hope for humanity in the future.