How Long Would I Have Lived If...

PipesMagazine Approved Sponsor


Senior Member
Feb 17, 2014
Jacksonville, FL
So, I'm watching the news a couple of days ago and this "doctor" by the name of Dr. Oz comes on saying that microwave popcorn is bad for you and can shorten your life. This got the old wheels turning in my head.
1. I smoke a pipe (some/many say that shortens life)

2. I sit most of the day. I'm either at my desk, in my car or sitting across from a client far more hours than I'm walking, etc.

3. I do go to the gym 3 mornings per week and work out for about an hour (though I must admit that I missed yesterday because my wife didn't want to go and my pipe and coffee just looked too damned inviting - maybe pipe smoking is bad for my health??)

4. I have a stressful job - at times - that has me dealing with the public and often playing therapist and problem solver for them.

5. I often fall asleep in my recliner and stay there all night with the TV turned on - I wake up frequently during the night to watch whatever is on and/or catch up on the day's workload.

6. I eat fatty foods - love french fries, pork and beef.

7. I'm over weight according the the imperial federal government. (I suppose if I were 40 years younger and a right tackle, I'd be about right. But I'm not.)

8. I often eat dinner at 7pm or later.

9. I wake up before sunrise.

10. I drink 4 cups of coffee each morning and about a shot or 2 or 3 of brandy (or equivalent) each night.

11. Yes, I do eat microwave popcorn on occasion as well as a number of other foods that I'm told "shorten" my life.
So, the way I figure it I'm already dead and don't know it or my original lifespan was supposed to have been well over 200 years. 8O



Jun 26, 2013
I myself, suffer from many of the afflictions that you suffer from. I personally don't understand the desire to live so damn long that you watch everyone else die. I would much rather live my life than just maintain life. We all die, so why should we waste our time not enjoying what we love? Plus, Dr. Oz is a hack!



Preferred Member
Dec 24, 2010
North Carolina
My doctor told me that as long as I have insurance he's going to keep me alive.He doesn't want to lose any paying customers.



Preferred Member
Mar 1, 2013
I am laughing out loud apatim. People that knew me 20 yrs ago no longer recognize me.
I was in the Marine Corps and was also a multi-disciplined martial art student. I was never a strict eater since I worked out a LOT, ran a LOT, and was always active. I NEVER eat fast food as I find it vile and having no redeeming culinary quality whatsoever, but that doesn't mean I don't love sitting at my favorite watering hole watching a hockey game while they have "All you can eat" wings and wash it down with a few choice local brews.
Now my friends consider me an old man because I smoke a pipe. I find the downtime I get while smoking my pipe FAR OUTWEIGHS many of the other physical activities I used to partake in due to the mental relaxation. I am an avid cyclist and will ride 100 miles per week once the weather gets its head out of its ass around southern NJ, but I have to advise you: F**K microwave popcorn :) Take the time to do stove top, and when it is done, bathe it in dill-infused melted better, sprinkle garlic salt, fresh cracked black pepper, and a generous pinch of Pecorino Romano cheese. Feel free to wash down with a buttery, creamy Chardonnay.
Live long a prosper my friend.



Preferred Member
Oct 22, 2013
I knew a guy that avoided all these things....a piano fell on him. No one gets out alive.



Preferred Member
Dec 22, 2013
New York
I had to see the old quack a couple of years ago after knocking out my dentist. That's a whole nother yarn for a different day. Anyway this lady doctor sits me down to ask me the usual questions which went like this:
Dr: Do you smoke?

Me: Yes

Dr: How many a day?

Me: I don't smoke cigarettes.

Dr: OK. What do you smoke?

Me: Pipe

Dr: How many?

Me: Several hundred at the last count.

Dr: You smoke several hundred pipe fulls of tobacco a day?

Me: Good lord no. About 1 1/2 ozs a day. Thats the number of pipes I own.

Dr: Do you drink?

Me: Yes socially.

Dr: How much?

Me: Shall I break it down by interest groups and beer is a soft drink so that doesn't count. Right Dr?
I wont bore you with how the rest of it went but suffice to say the Dr was horrified by my life style and ended the meeting by telling me that gin was not a food group and taking a sample of my blood. I don't do doctors unless they were all like Dr. House!



Preferred Member
Jan 8, 2013
Tim, you had me dying reading this. At each one I was checking them off in my head, "Yep, I do that, Yep, I do that.." Lol. Guess I better start writing my obituary...



Senior Member
Feb 17, 2014
Jacksonville, FL
Sounds like this is a ghost forum...
Condorlover, that's funny. I have a rather contentious relationship with my doctors too. Fortunately my current doc thinks much the same as me. She said - true story - that one of my previous doctors had written "patient is non compliant" in my chart. The reason was because she wrote me a script for diet pills and I balled it up and tossed it in the trash. Also, when she asked how many beers I drank each week, I suggested we leave then and go find out... After all it was 5 o'clock somewhere.
With my current doc I explained that I really have no problems with doctors, I just don't like that they are now spies for the federal government - the government has no business knowing my personal activities ergo I would not share any personal info with her. Since all my tests turned out great she was fine with that. My next yearly checkup with her is next month... Should be fun!



Preferred Member
Oct 16, 2009
I can't remember who said it, but one of my favorite comments ever was that, if you do everything the doctors tell you to do, they're going to have to deal with a lot of people dying from nothing.



Preferred Member
Oct 18, 2013
This thread reminds me of a favorite quote from Hunter S. Thompson:
“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”
Enjoy the days we have and scoff at those that would tell you otherwise!



Mar 22, 2014
Other day someone walking by stopped and said to me, "You know, smoking is bad, whether its cigarettes, cigars or a pipe. It's shortening your life and it doesn't have to, you can beat the addiction. Don't you want to live a long life?" I said back " know...sometimes, I WANNA die." He says "oh, you should really go talk to someone, you have some problems." I said back "Oh, I got problems, and TALKING is one of them. You get what I'm saying?" It took him a minute, but hey, today's young collegiates have a lot on their minds...



Junior Member
Feb 20, 2014
Seems like a lot of work to live as the flat belly experts preach. Me, I'd rather live and enjoy than linger and hate.



Preferred Member
Nov 18, 2013
The comedian George Burns, when he was in his late 90s, used to say (while puffing on a cigar) "My doctor once told me that if I didn't want to die prematurely I had to quit smoking, drinking and chasing young women. I'd love to tell him he was wrong but he's been dead for 10 years."



Senior Member
Dec 30, 2013
I'm a firm believer that when it's your time, it's your time. I've known folks who were "health conscious", watched everything they ate, exercised regularly, got plenty of rest, etc., yet died at an early age due to heart attacks, cancer, etc. I once had a former co-worker in a previous job who wasn't overweight, didn't drink or smoke (at least to my knowledge) and loved to jog every day. One morning he keeled over from an apparent heart attack while jogging and died.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't take care of yourself and obviously if you intentionally put yourself in harms way you're more likely to suffer the consequences, but I think you can make yourself ill worrying about everything that TV doctors and the media bombard us with on a daily basis that are supposed to be bad for us. My only recommendation to folks is to monitor your health and get regular check ups including yearly physicals, dental visits, etc. I for one am prone to skin cancers (mostly carcinomas) so I get a full dermatology exam every 6 months. Not too long ago I started noticing a tiny dark abnormal growth on my forehead and a visit to the dermatologist confirmed it to be an early stage melanoma. I was able to have it successfully removed before it became a serious problem.
So, my feeling is take care of yourself, but don't give up on the things that bring you enjoyment and pleasure in life either. I for one plan to continue to enjoy eating red meat, smoking my pipe, sitting on my couch after a long day at work and enjoy watching TV, and enjoying my Civil War reenacting, hunting, fishing, and shooting hobbies.



Preferred Member
Aug 10, 2010
Cheshire, CT
I've been smoking a pipe for 54 years, so I guess I'm dead already, and just don't know it. my hero is the late, great Paul Spaniola, who died last August at the age of 100 years, having enjoyed a pipe every day for most of his life, right up to the end. Listening to all this pseudo science is like the story of the bumblebee. It can be demonstrated that the bumblebee's wing surface area and musculature is unable to support it's body mass, and therefore the bumblebee can't fly. Fortunately, The bumblebee doesn't read any of the scientific texts, so it goes merrily buzzing along.