A Conversation With A Mean Person

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pipetrucker

Preferred Member
Sep 13, 2010
939
0
Following the white rabbit
This is the sort of conversation one can have when spending a lot of time behind the wheel. I was on my way from New York state to Wisconsin.
Me: I can probably make it to Roseland by five or six o'clock. I can get a room and then bobtail over to Tinder Box to look at pipes.
Me too: No.
Me: No? Why not?
Me too: No more pipes.
Me: Huh? Why not?
Me too: What is that in your hand?
Me: The steering wheel.
Me too: No dummy, the other hand.
Me: Ummm, a cigarette.
Me too: Right.
Me: So?
Me too: So you don't need any pipes, you have cigarettes.
Me: That has nothing to do with it. I like pipes.
Me too: So why aren't you smoking a pipe?
Me: Well... I felt like a cigarette.
Me too: So, you like the cigarettes better.
Me: No, I like the pipe tobacco much better.
Me too: And yet there you are, smoking a cigarette. Kinda funny eh?
Me: Well, no, not funny. It's just... I felt like a cigarette.
Me too: Uh huh.
Me: What's that supposed to mean?
Me too: Oh, nothing.
Me: That wasn't nothing. That was Uh huh.
Me too: Uh huh.
Me: Stop that!
Me too: Ok, here's the deal...
Me: Deal? What deal?
Me too: I was getting to that before you interrupted me.
Me: Uh huh.
Me too: Now you're doing it.
Me: Doing what?
Me too: Uh huh.
Me: I said to stop that!
Me too: Ok, let's not go there. As I said, here's the deal...
Me: There you go again with the deal thing. What deal?
Me too: If you'll stop interrupting me I'll tell you what deal.
Me: Ok, let's hear it then.
Me too: No more pipes.
Me: What?!
Me too: Hear me out. No more pipes until you stop the cigarettes.
Me: But, but, but...
Me too: No more butts.
Me: That's a really bad pun.
Me too: Yes, well, nevertheless, no more pipes until you quit the butts.
Me: Well, I am going to quit them, eventually.
Me too: Then you can buy a new pipe.
Me: I can?
Me too: Eventually.
Me: You're just plain mean.
Me too: It's for your own good.
Me: A new pipe would be for my own good.
Me too: I'm sure it would. Just quit the cigarettes.
Me: Well, how long do I have to quit the cigarettes before I can buy a new pipe?
Me too: Forever.
Me: Forever? But, but...
Me too: No more butts.
Me: I told you that's a bad pun. Knock that off.
Me too: Ok, no new pipe.
Me: Wait, wait. If I have to wait forever then I'll never get to buy a new pipe.
Me too: Ok, knucklehead. You have to quit them forever, not wait forever to buy a new pipe. Man, you can be really dense.
Me: No need for insults. How long do I have to go without a cigarette before I can buy a new pipe.
Me too: Well, let's see... How about a month?
Me: Which month? February?
Me too: Sigh. Let me re-phrase it. 30 days. How does that sound?
Me: Does it have to be 30 days in a row?
Me too: Yes, of course it does chucklehead. 30 consecutive days. Any cheating resets the clock.
Me: You really are mean.
Me too: Yes, well, is it a deal?
Me: Doesn't sound like much of a deal to me.
Me too: So it's no then?
Me: What if I do say no? What are you going to do about it?
Me too: I won't let you buy any new pipes, ever.
Me: I can do as I please.
Me too: Not without me you can't.
Me: But, but...
Me too: No more butts.
Me: Knock that off already!
Me too: Ok, ok, but is it a deal?
Me: I thought you said no more butts.
Me too: Get serious, would you?
Me: Ok, but quitting is hard. You remember what happened the last time I tried to go cold turkey? My IBS flared up so bad I had to start smoking again just to settle it down.
Me too: Yeah, that was a really bad day.
Me: No need to be sarcastic.
Me too: How often do you light up a cigarette right after finishing a pipe?
Me: Well... not that often.
Me too: Remember who you're talking to here.
Me: Oh yea, that's right. Well, ok, fairly often.
Me too: You're addicted. You're a butt junkie.
Me: No I'm not!
Me too: Face it, you have a camel on your back.
Me: Shouldn't that be a monkey?
Me too: I've never seen a monkey on a pack of cigarettes. Have you?
Me: Well, ok, you have a point there.
Me too: Start slow. Whenever you crave a cigarette right after finishing a pipe, make yourself wait 30 minutes before lighting the cigarette.
Me: 30 minutes, huh? I guess I could do that.
Me too: Sure ya can. By then you might even want another pipe instead.
Me: Sure... maybe.
Me too: Other time, when you feel like a butt, fill a pipe with burley instead. Then, after that if you still want a butt wait the 30 minutes and see what happens.
Me: Well, I guess maybe that could work.
Me too: It's a start. Then, once that becomes a comfortable habit you push that back to 45 minutes, then an hour, and so on.
Me: Well, I guess that sounds like a plan of sorts.
Me too: So it's a deal then?
Me: Ummm, well, I guess so.
Me too: I guess so doesn't sound like much of a commitment to me.
Me: Ok, it's a deal.
Me too: What deal?
Me: Are you kidding me?
Me too: Of course I am. I want you to say it.
Me: Say what?
Me too: The deal, dummy. Say it!
Me: Ok, ok. No more pipes until I quit the cigarettes. But...
Me too: No more butts.
Me: That's still a bad pun, don't do it again.
Me too: OK, so it's a deal then.
Me: Yeah, yeah, it's a deal.
Me too: Great, now about your dietary habits...

 

pstlpkr

Preferred Member
Dec 14, 2009
9,739
0
Birmingham, AL
I've been there.... not WI, but the conversation...

Good luck my friend.

We're here to help if we can...

Butts are strong.... PAD is stronger.

 

lonestar

Preferred Member
Mar 22, 2011
2,822
0
Edgewood Texas
Mason thats the funniest thing I've read in a long time, and I dont say that lightly!

Good Luck with this, my Me Too got tired of being assaulted when he speaks up, havent heard from him in awhile.

 

pipetrucker

Preferred Member
Sep 13, 2010
939
0
Following the white rabbit
Mason, that was too funny!
Thank you. I have to admit that I am something of an aspiring (if untalented) writer. I love humor above all other art forms and hope to one day be able to publish a somewhat humorous look at life on the road as a trucker.
That book will likely never see the light of day, but everyone should have a dream, right?

 

winton

Preferred Member
Oct 20, 2010
2,096
1
There are five stages of talking to yourself.

1 talk to yourself.

2 answer yourself.

3 get in argument with yourself.

4 lose the argument.

5 demand a rebuttal.
Pipetrucker, I am not sure what stage you are at.
Winton

 

kamikazesasquatch

Senior Member
Sep 30, 2011
354
0
I'd say there are some great benefits to arguing with yourself. You know you'll always win for one...

Nice read BTW. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

 

pipetrucker

Preferred Member
Sep 13, 2010
939
0
Following the white rabbit
There are five stages of talking to yourself.

1 talk to yourself.

2 answer yourself.

3 get in argument with yourself.

4 lose the argument.

5 demand a rebuttal.
Pipetrucker, I am not sure what stage you are at.
Well, I would say that all of the above is the natural state for any trucker who spends 70+ hours a week behind the wheel. LOL

 

pipetrucker

Preferred Member
Sep 13, 2010
939
0
Following the white rabbit
great read got any bowlegged bear or haddos delight? bet ya wont smoke a cig after a bowl of the bear
Nope, don't have either of those. Strongest stuff I have is Irish Flake and Irish Oak. I never need a cig after either of those. Oh, and can't forget Five Brothers, that stuff packs a real nic wallop.

 

pawpaw

Preferred Member
Jun 25, 2011
1,494
0
cleveland NC
i have been over 2 months without a cig and i still get the craving for a butt every now and then but i load up some high nic and it will pass you can do it and just think you butt money wont take long to add up for a nice pipe

i was smoking 3 packs a day at $3.50 now i buy on average 2 tins a week at $20 and get a pipe about every 3-4 weeks and i am still saving money if i could just kick my PAD i think i could finish my Merc Dime set