Ask Hank 13: Pipe Slobs and Armed Revolutions
-
Kevin Godbee - Nov 7, 2016
- 8 min read
A. Miller
I’m in a hammock in a valley near the top of a mountain about 30 minutes from my home. I’m overlooking a particularly spacious piece of land filled with tall green grass and the background is dotted with pine trees and mountains. Apparently I was premature in assuming the weather had changed, for this is still September weather despite November being in full swing. I would complain something about global warming, but I think it may just be that we’re being rewarded.
My pipe is alight with a bowl of C&D Purple Cow. I ordered a tin of Kajun Kake and apparently whomever packed the box to be shipped was confused by the two similarly purple tins. Whatever happened, after a brief call, I did receive my Kajun Kake and walked away with Purple Cow as a bonus tobacco.
Little in life makes me as happy as hammocks, mountains, and bonus tobacco.
That said, my answers this month got a little long winded, so we should dive right in.
Dear Hank,
This morning I noticed a small hole in one of my favorite sweaters down near the waist line and I’m pretty sure it’s from an angry stray piece of pipe ash burning through the wool. At first I was just saddened, but that sadness turned to despair when, later in the morning, I noticed a similar hole in the right half of a pair of my wool socks.
I can waterproof my boots for the rain or the snow, but what am I to do to burn-proof my favorite clothes? Clearly I’m not going to stop smoking a pipe, or even tone it down a little.
Holey in Albuquerque
Dear Holey in Albuquerque,
First things first, how do you live in Albuquerque and own so many woolen things? Is this some sort of exceedingly thin marino or cashmere? I’m a bit at a loss here.
Now, as for your question. The only truly appropriate way for you to protect your things from ash is to purchase a wind cap and use it religiously. If you’re unfamiliar, a wind cap is a small (usually metal) device that attaches to the top of your bowl, and lets air in, but keeps ash from coming out. The beauty of smoking a bowl with a wind-cap is all the things people will assume about you when they see you.
It is, if I may say, a little like drinking beer from a stein with a hinged pewter lid. When you see someone drinking from a beer stein with a pewter lid, you assume they’re the type who would be comfortable wearing lederhosen in public. Even if the pewter lid was invented for something as mundane as keeping insects out of beer, you would never know that from the overwhelming awesomeness of those who use such lidded beer steins. Likewise, when you see someone smoking with a wind cap on their pipe, you assume something like, “Oh, that’s the type of person who fought in a World War (or three).” Then if you let your mind wander a bit you can come up with even more possibilities.
Probably they have climbed the highest mountain ranges in the world in defense of a good cause and used a wind cap to keep their pipe lit through countless blizzards forsaking family and friends to fight for the things they believed in.
That, or they became accustomed to a wind cap when walking next to a tank somewhere on a rainy morning after spending the previous evening in a fox hole desperately trying to stay warm.
Then, there is a good chance they traveled across Central and South America in the back of a freight truck (using the wind-cap to protect from the wind) as they hitchhiked to the most remote parts of rainforest and then searched out undiscovered beaches in search of a long-lost love.
Certainly this person wasn’t just trying to keep insects out of their pipe.
Surely this person wasn’t just trying to keep ash from making holes in their wholly (holey?) unnecessary woolen sweaters and socks.
No, the wind-cap donning hero has been places most can only ever dream of going. They’ve seen things most hope to never have to see, but lived to tell of them in calm disaffected ways around family gatherings. They think back on the best years of their life with trembling, and severe windburn.
Or, at the very least least, that’s what people will think of you when you start using a wind cap and then somehow also manage to sleep at night knowing the wool you buy is a complete waste of money.
Whatever.
Seriously, buy some cotton t-shirts,
Hank
Dear Hank,
I live in a country that is hostile to pipes and everything else that is fun. Is it time for armed revolution?
And more importantly, if it is time for armed revolution, should I favor Latakia blends, or Virginias, in the hope they will improve my aim?
Thanks, Brett
Dear Brett,
If the country you live in is hostile to pipes, first, pause and take heart–it’s highly probable your pipes will never know.
Most of my pipes (while caring and giving of themselves endlessly without ever asking for a single thing in return) are about as aware of their social surroundings as a rock. That is to say, they seem to be not in the least bit bothered by the fact that I prefer some of them over the others. My most expensive briars appear to not have even noticed that I much more often smoke my shortest, least expensive, and smallest cobs.
And there are a few whom I haven’t cleaned in far too long and they have yet to complain in the slightest, let alone unionize and go on strike.
All things considered, I would argue that armed battle is hardly necessary to defend the honor of our humble briar servants. I can, however, accept the possibility that I have somehow slowly collected a particularly dimwitted set of pipes, and perhaps yours are more offended than mine. If that’s the case, and you feel it is your duty to defend their honor with guns, who am I to stand in your way?
Oh, and the smokiness of Latakia is far more suited to battle (and aiming) than Virginias. But bring along some spare perique. You never know when you’ll need it.
Just talked it over with one of my pipes right now—yeah, he still has no idea I’m not allowed to take him to restaurants anymore,
Hank
Dear Hank,
I’ve built a small shelf for my growing tobacco collection, and my pipe rack sits next to it. The problem is, when I pick a tobacco, I take it down off the shelf and it never makes it back. I also pick a pipe from the rack, then when I’m done I just set the pipe down wherever I happen to be around the house. If I happen to be close to the pipe rack I tend to set the pipe on the table right in front of it.
Is it against a code somewhere that I don’t keep my pipes nice and tidy? Can I be an obsessive pipe smoker and also a slob?
Disorganized in London
Dear Disorganized in London,
Your room can be a mess. Your cubicle or even your office can be a mess. Your car can be a mess. And even your life, your marriage, your parenting style etc… can be a mess, but if your pipes are a mess can we accept you as a pipe smoker?
The short answer is no.
The longer answer? Pipe smoking was created as a hobby for the obsessive compulsive amongst us. Pipe smokers almost always have everything just so. That is to say, they wear near-perfect attire every day. They iron their clothes, even if they’re just wearing a white under-shirt. Most have hats for every single occasion (even if that’s a solitary yellow trucker hat). Almost every pipe smoker will tell you they manage their dating lifestyle, family lives, and their marriages with perfection. A pipe smoker seldom makes a mistake.
In our rankings have been presidents, scientific geniuses, writers, football players, millionaires, and …. probably other people. These folks rose to the positions of power they possessed through meticulous care in every detail of their lives.
So no, you cannot be a pipe smoker and accepted by the greater community when you are a also a slob.
Except… there is one catch.
The way to be welcomed back in to the community is to have a very strong opinion about something absurd and related to the hobby, and then you should regularly communicate that anyone who disagrees with your view on the matter is somehow “less of a pipe smoker”.
For example, insist that no pipe should ever be smoked three times in one day, but then (at the same time) also insist that a pipe always smokes it’s best when full of it’s second bowl of tobacco in a row. Two is the golden number, but three is downright sinful.
These are the kinds of opinions that drive conversations at pipe-smoking gatherings, and your ability to participate in shaming others proves you belong amongst the ranks of the best of us.
Why do you think a tobacco should never be pinched but instead should only be scooped (or the other way around)? Or why do you think so many people insist on the Frank method for packing a pipe? Is it also true that you must separate your Latakia and aromatic pipes from the ones you use with your Virginias? Or were all of these opinions merely offered by other pipe slobs fearful you would find them out?
By the way you’re doing it wrong,
Hank
Till next month….
Written by Kevin Godbee
Smokingpipes.com Updates
12 Fresh BriarWorks Pipes |
36 Fresh Rattray's Pipes |
36 Fresh Brigham Pipes |
48 Fresh AKB Meerschaum Pipes |
60 Fresh Neerup Pipes |
Recent Posts
Welcome to The Pipes Magazine Radio Show Episode 604. Our featured interview tonight is with Jon David Cole. JD is the Owner/Tobacconist at The Country Squire in Jackson, MS, and he is the former co-host of the podcast, Country Squire Radio, which ended their 10-year run last year. We’ll have JD with the “From the Country Squire” segment talking about all the new things happening at the store and in the business in general. At the top of the show, we’ll continue our audio tour of Brian’s pipe collection.
Before we begin, I should tell you: this tobacco review is being written by an A.I. Not the fancy new GPTs or their ilk; no, this is last century’s meat-and-bone, all-organic model. To be fair, a large part of what we call knowledge is merely the accumulated perceptions and impressions gathered from a life wandered through, synthesized into a spongy mass of what-it-is-that-we-think-that-we-know. The algorithm for this prompt is simple enough: pump thousands of bowls of smoldering plant matter into a gaping maw, cross-reference the chemical sensations with all other matter previously ingested or inhaled, sieve it all through the diffuse and fractal twin lens of memory and emotion, and churn out a panoply of adjectives that attempts to convey the sensations to someone who hasn’t experienced it yet. Odds are that a diligently trained monkey could succeed half the time; if this reviewer nears fifty-one percent then that would qualify as an unrivaled success. There must have been some similar musings perambulating through the mind of Per Jensen when he began his mad scientist routine at Sutliff with the Pipe Force project, which brings us to the current mixture under the microscope—Sutliff’s Pipe Force: Episode I. Here again are the unusual ingredients that engendered the series, with the stoved Rustica being the defining voice in this composition. From the tin: The Latakia-forward English mixture offers plenty of smoky flavor from the fire-cured leaf, which is artfully harmonized with floral, earthy Stoved Rustica. A mixture of high-grade Virginias imparts a natural sweetness. Katerini, the sole Oriental component, offers herb and spice notes bringing complexity and nuance to the flavor profile. It’s certainly Latakia-forward, with the stoved Rustica doubling up on the rhythm section like a second bassist. A first whiff from the tin releases the aromas of shoe leather and hide glue in a base of clay soil with a campfire wafted over it like last night’s beach party. Once it’s been accustomed to oxygen again, subtle hints of sweetness poke through from the Virginias: lemon rind, light milk chocolate, the dregs of a peaty Scotch, and muddled cherry. Old regulars like fresh-sawn oak and tilled earth are there, of course, with distinct notes of truffle, creosote, damp peat, and pine bark mulch. As an aside, I’ve been re-potting my camellias and the similarity of aroma to the ericaceous soil mix is notable; the Katerini really brings the unique depth of its vegetal complexion when supported by the Rustica and afforded more voice in the mix. The smoky Cyprian Latakia, in turn, is backed by equal earthiness from the Rustica, which overall exhibits a profile similar to dark-fired Kentucky; it leans more toward the woody and vegetal end of that spectrum, echoing and amplifying those traits of the other constituents. The tobacco is presented pressed and cut into a couple of thick, hearty flakes in the tin, lightly moist and easily crumbled to prepare—I prefer mine with a bit of drying time. The out-of-this-world tin art for this episode in the series is Major O’Meara smoking a cavalier. In the absence of confirmation, I’m going to hazard a guess he’s of the Ithklur species. The first taste from the light is sweet, with hints of that milk chocolate dancing around the edges. The Virginia leads the smoke through the top of the bowl, and orchestrates it well. Thoroughly smoky with lemony, grassy highlights from the Virginia spectrum, it soon segues into the mid-bowl profile: heartier, smokier, with the flavor leaning to the mildly acrid and tangy tinge that is the campfire-esque signature of English blends. Caution advised, it can turn overly bitter if pushed—this is where one’s sipping technique is required to maintain the fullness of flavor through to the heel. I did tend toward a lot of relights, though it may have as much to do with technique as with the blend. Pacing is also important as the nicotine starts to manifest; though the Rustica’s contribution has been tempered well by the stoving, it can certainly upend an empty stomach. At the end of every bowl, the mouthfeel somehow gets better. The balance of sugars in the tobaccos would seem to be spot-on in this regard. I started out my tasting in cobs, then cut short an unpleasant bowl in a meer, and finally landed on my best instrument with the lovely Dunhill 4427 pictured, a quaint group 4 shell briar with a gentle curve and Cumberland stem supporting a perfectly executed acorn bowl. It surprised me here, as I’ve learned through the years that I generally have the best experience with English blends in large, wide bowls. With this blend it seems that to get the best out of the Katerini’s somewhat diaphanous influence the smaller bowl fared much better. Room note is very English, so the company you keep will either love it or hate it, and it doesn’t linger too much. I find it paired best with a strong coffee; Sumatran beans complement the flavors well, as do Ethiopian if a lighter brew is preferred. Overall impressions of the blend are that it’s a curiously interesting take on the English genre, almost a reductive reconstruction of the theme using the unique components. This blend, if nothing else, expanded my vocabulary of sense perceptions with the uniquely treated leaf. While the average human can distinguish approximately one trillion (1,000,000,000,000!) different aromas, multiplied by seven basic tastes, and wholly dependent on variables from body chemistry to atmospheric conditions, our overworked and underpaid simian brains can’t effectively catalog them all. Our pet adding machines are exceedingly good at this, however, and someday soon they’ll be the ultimate and unequivocal authority on what something tastes, smells, looks, or even feels like. Until that time, friends, revel in the moments that can be stolen to savor over a bowl of Pipe Force: Episode I.
Welcome to The Pipes Magazine Radio Show Episode 603. Our featured interview tonight is with Rick Newcombe. Rick is a well-known author of several pipe books, and he is currently working on his third book. He is a prominent collector of Danish pipes, and vintage tobaccos. He has traveled the world visiting pipe makers, and learning their different techniques. He is also the founder and chairman of Creators Syndicate, which currently represents more than 200 writers and artists. At the top of the show we’ll have a Pipe Smoking 101 segment discussing best pipe shapes and sizes that are best suited to certain types of tobacco.
You know the olde saw: April’s showers bring May flowers.” Just to let you know, Pundit is all in on May and the flowers. Not that Pundit is a knowledgeable horticulturist, but walking about the woods on a bright sunny May day with wildflowers blooming and blushing whilst puffing a particular pipe is what spring is all about. So, to properly prepare in April, Pundit begins cleaning up several pipes that will make the wildflower walks this year. And never mind that I receive strange looks and snubs as I lean over to view up close and personal a beautiful wildflower and snap a photo. Pipe firmly clenched, natch. For good reason, spring brings to mind a couple of notable characters. First is the poet Robert Frost and his poem Birches. One could do worse than be a swinger of birches, is the last line of this wonderful poem about young boys climbing birches and bending them down to nearly touching ground. This lovely poem by the four-time Pulitzer Prize winner brings back memories of a crew of ragtag barefoot country boys swinging tall, spindly pine trees to earthly experiences. Yes, and falling from said pines, as well. Now, Pundit is uncertain whether or even if Frost was a pipe smoker. The history of this is a bit confusing. The other great original is one Yogi Berra, the Hall of Fame catcher for the New York Yankees, who played 18 seasons with the Bronx Bombers. He was a 15-time All-Star, a three-time American League MVP Award winner, and a 10-time World Series champion as a player. It is fairly well documented in photos that the great Yogi smoked cigars from time to time. The Baseball Hall of Fame calls Yogi “a cultural icon whose fame transcended the baseball diamond. “Yogi-isms” such as it ain’t over till it’s over and a nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore have found their way into everyday vernacular for baseball fans. This neatly brings us to Pundit’s favorite Yogi quote this time of year: When you come to a fork in the road, take it. Let’s just call Yogi baseball’s Phrase Laureate. I take the forks along the trails, looking for the rarest of wildflowers. Getting lost in the woods away from the madding crowds keeps dirty looks and slights shielded as I walk, huff and puff. That’s precisely what a pipe-puffing Pundit does on his May wildflower walks. You never know where you are likely to wind up, but you will know when you get there. My best Yogism, doncha know. You can thank me later. And the best pipe that takes me along on these nature walks? Why a White Spot, a Northern Briar, an Ashton, or a Cavicchi. At times I also attempt my best Holmesian pipe look with a Peterson Calabash shape with its iconic flared rim. Or all of the above, and then others tossed into the camera bag for good measure. It’s a big camera bag! And now that we have had a nice walk in the woods, it’s time for some Pipe Smokers of the Past. Starting things off is not a personality so far back in the past, J. Robert Oppenheimer, was born April 22, 1904, in New York and died Feb. 18, 1967, in Princeton, N.J. The famed so-called “father of the atomic bomb,” the Oppenheimer movie just walked off with a plane load of Oscars in this year’s tinsel town extravaganza. The biopic won seven, including Best Picture, Best Director for Christopher Nolan, and Best Actor for Cillian Murphy. Oppenheimer, celebrated pipe smoker and theoretical physicist, was director of the Los Alamos Laboratory in the thick of the Manhattan Project in World War II. The atomic bomb was fully enabled by July 1945 and dropped on Japan in August. It was the first nuclear explosion in history, created by bombarding neutrons with plutonium and uranium which resulted in a nuclear fission explosion. Uh, Pundit doesn’t profess to know fission from fizzling. Allegedly, one of Oppenheimer’s most famous quotes, Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds, was either around the time of the first bomb test in 1945 or shortly after. Another, softer quote from the great scientist, is Genius sees the answer before the question. And finally, author, Gunter Grass, winner of the 1999 Nobel Prize in literature, was born Oct. 16, 1927, in Danzig, now Gdansk, Poland, and died April 13, 2015, in Lubeck, Germany. Grass, also a poet, reportedly smoked Stanwell Extra Fine, an old Danish pipe tobacco popular in Germany, as well as W.O. Larsen Classic, Three Nuns, Mac Baren Navy Flake, and Dunhill Early Morning Pipe. I’m always astonished by a forest. It makes me realize that the fantasy of nature is much larger than my own fantasy. I still have things to learn—Gunter Grass. And a parting shot: Pipe smokers are the mind workers of the world!
Welcome to The Pipes Magazine Radio Show Episode 602. Our featured interview tonight is with Kevin the Hobbiton Piper. Kevin was originally on the show in August 2021. The Hobbiton Piper YouTube Channel has 9.24k subscribers and over 120 videos with pipe and tobacco reviews, box openings, food, drink, and more. Kevin’s interview was one of our early novice pipe smoker features, so we’ll check in and see how his pipe smoking and YouTube channel have progressed. At the top of the show, we’ll have an “Ask the Pipemaker” segment with pipe artisan Jeff Gracik.
Welcome to The Pipes Magazine Radio Show Episode 601. Our featured interview tonight is with Rich Esserman. Rich is one of our regular guests that has been on the show many times, and is returning after a 15-month hiatus. Rich has penned innumerous articles about pipes and tobacco for several publications, and he is known for collecting quite large pipes. We’ll get caught up with Rich, and also get his take on some of the same questions we asked Steve Fallon on his recent episode. At the top of the show we’ll have a tour of the tobaccos that Brian is most coveting in his collection right now.
